Poetry from 1999
All poems copyright Charleen Johnston
*******************************
Weep for me
Slow intrigue
crying with vitality
end your life
with the knife
and fear your mortality
'cause I am going away
I want to, want you
want you to stay
away
carry me
cherish me
pierce me with your sanity
let me die
die in peace
comfort in my slow release
the pain it seems
is grasping me
and clutching at my soul
poor soul
down in a hole
waiting for the death toll
Run from me
silently
let your footsteps cease to be
or I will win
and you shall sin
all to let me conquer you...when?
1999
*************************
She sits alone
Undisturbed
Petrified and
Perturbed
Agitated she glances
My way
She sees me staring
And turns away
I look at
Her
Into the pane
of glass-
the window.
Now she knows
what she needs
to live her life
and succeed.
Agitated
I turn away
It is my turn now
to pray...
1999
*************************
Forsaken Angel
She cries out in fear
of going over the edge
her mind has been warped
her blood no longer red
she anticipates pain
enough to overwhelm
so she hides in spite of vigor
as the guardian of her realm
She now has lost sight
of what little hope she had
the skys' dark clouds thicken
the heavens have gone mad
this little girl lost
was a seraph unknown
and now she shall return
to the skies she had flown
1999
****************************
Asking for my casket
to bury the hatchet
of my distrust of you-
do you think
the thought is sick
that I do not love you?
1999
*****************************
The bitter wind, it takes me down.
Down from my cloud
down from my high....
Whacko, Im a whacko...
complete with straightjacket
and chains.
I interpret you
like an english teacher would
marking your flaws
in red.
Make me a priest
so I can decipher your intentions,
mystically, in the now.
Poor bitch-
they all run away.
Your desperate attempt
to communicate
is once again in vain.
Try to remodel your face.
1999
*************************
You creep up my spine
the way the cold teases my body-
erect nipples
weakened knees
all this for a tease.
You caress my body with ancient lies-
and things
you cannot give me....
I suffer now under your touch-
for only you can relieve me
of my sinister desire for you....
and in a trance
my dreams come true.
1999
*************************
The crimson of my hatred
for you
is seeping through my clothes
I didn't know
the truth would come
to be so exposed.
1999
*****************************
How can I keep pretending
that everything will be fine
besides
what is fine?
How do I know
if I've been choking on desperation
all my life?
And I need now
just to understand
what it is that I don't have
because there
is something missing
and I can't keep pretending it is you.
I am asking around
for my lost child
the child
in me.
The child I left alone
so long ago.
The child that used to be so happy.
Why cant I be that child
just one
more
time.
1999
***************************
I am once again labeled
as a whore
nothing less
and nothing more
I am cast among the
skanks of the streets
and I am overwhelmed
by the feeling-
pure disgust.
I am labeled because
I am secure
and they are not-
because I show it
and flaunt-
And I care not
let them converse
in secret
about me-
it is they who are
alone and afraid.
I am just free
that's all.
Nothing less
and nothing more.
1999
***************************
I am such a bitch
I don't know why
I feel this need
to make you cry
drown me lover
with your tears
lick my body
swallow my fear
Something is going down
I feel it going around
I sense your presence near
Are you here
here for me
here to take me away
to be free
Take a look into my eyes
is there a world
is there a light
Light It up
just one more smoke
my heart is in chains
they almost broke
I know you're here
to take me home
don't run away
don't run away
don't run away
Meet the little boy
with the psychedelic toy
and the fucked up point of view
the subtle shapes of love
have drawn me to you
no doubt I need you
why not stay a while
don't go so soon
Let me see you smile
Something is going down
I feel it going around
I sense your presence near
Are you here
here for me
Here to take me away
to be free
1999
****************************
Living just for dying
dying just for you
can you hear my silent cries
when you stare
deep into my eyes?
Every day I sit and wonder
how my life used to be
every day I pull you
closer
please stay next to me.
1999
***************************
I breathe your essence
and taste your desire
your soul seeps into mine
and fuels my inner fire.
The moon is limp
and hangs its head
and I find my shadow hiding
from the demons in red.
I catch you staring hard at me
trying to understand my mind
and you are close, oh so close,
but you've left your heart behind.
And so now I must give in
to the pressures of my lust
and again my soul hangs its head
in fear of inner trust.
And the moment goes as it goes
and the night fades away
and I breath in your essence
as I begin to pray.
Your desire is tasting sweet
and your soul is feeling free
together our spirits weep
for the fire that keeps you from me.
1999
****************************
I remember mom and daddy
they are walking with us
to the river
to watch us swim
just like fish
I remember mom and daddy
arguing because
Daddy got drunk
I remember mom and daddy
playing with us
as the summer sun
beat down
I remember mom
as she yelled at us
to come in and
take a bath-
school starts tomorrow, she says.
I remember daddy
carrying us all
on his back
into the woods
to pick blackberries
and then he carried
us back out
filled with excitement.
1999
******************************
The depth of my internal being grows...
the eyes of my soul close
my heart burns
and my bones ache
I am waiting now for them to break.
The desire that rests at the bottom of my soul
awakens and begins to swell-
those eyes are now opening...
beckoning the path to hell.
My body is being overtaken
by these demons of loss-
for life we must pay with death
and sorrow has no cost.
I cast these demons aside
and the eyes of my soul awaken
the fervor in my heart now is dead
and my broke bones are forsaken.
I feel that I am in hell
though I know it is but life in which I dwell-
and in this hollow graveyard in time-
I hibernate inside this shell.
1999
***************************************
Your coldness touches me
Like the winter breeze you chill my soul
but instead of blowing
you creep up from the floors
beneath my feet-
your coldness touches me...
I am moved by your attempts to remain alone
though we both know you are miserable.
The heat of the fire from my heart
begins to melt the ice
which has formed around your heart
and you are now soaked in wet desire-
desire to touch me,
to feel my passion,
to know me.
And like the sun on a winters day
I am reflecting upon you
and I have almost become a mirror
to your own identity.
Thank me, for I have opened your heart.
I have given you warmth.
I have broken down those ancient glaciers
which have encrusted your heart.
Thank me, for I am your joy,
I am your pleasure-
without me you are nothing
and yet with me you are bound-
chained to your love for me...
a prisoner of your own desire-
all because I have opened you eyes
to a world of beauty...
and I could walk away at any moment,
from you,
from us,
yes, at any moment;
but I shall walk this road by your side,
to keep the barren seas of your heart from freezing over
but once again.
1999
*********************************
I met a girl today;
she was beautiful and refined.
She told me that she was unhappy
and then she said “nevermind”.
I looked at her confused, but said
“well what exactly do you mean?”
and she began to cry.
Thinking it my fault, I apologized.
And she began to speak.
“If everyone could just know”
she said,
“how it is that I feel,
then maybe they would not insist
that I can not be real.
I am not a facade, I do not wear a mask;
I am just a person,
and that is all I ask...
to be treated human, not like some queen.
I have spent my whole life
trying to wake from this dream.
It is like a giant fairytale
that never seems to end.
They say that I am beautiful,
they say that I am sweet.
They say my walk is elegant,
but I just move my feet.
I do not play a part
in some stupid play,
I do not rehearse what it is
that I shall do and say.
It kills me to look at you,
how happy you must be
to live a life all your own-
oh how lucky it is to be free.
And you say to me
that I have it made,
and I hate to disappoint you,
to rain on your parade;
But I am just a person,
nothing special nothing great
in fact I am lonely
I am bitter
and I am almost insane.
I am crying out in sorrow,
I am crying out in vain.”
Wow, I thought
she must have it hard.
And to think that I thought
that I was so scarred.
I gave her a hug
and my eyes blurred,
I thought I was going to cry
but then I walked away
and realized...
That I had been standing
in front of a mirror,
looking into my own eyes.
1999
******************************
Ok buckle up:
this ride is gonna be dangerous
are you in or out?
You cant change your mind
once you've locked the door
and ain't no one gonna save you now.
Ah, how serene it is
life inside one big high
it ain't like it used to be
ain't no cares
no worries
relaxing ease
and complex thoughts that remain
hidden
to all but me.
The chatter of useless words
ringing loud in sensitive ears
heads in the cloud
of smoke
left over
from that little bit of fun
which will last for a while.
Ah the world is beautiful
if you can see it as I see it.
Buckle up
because nothing lasts forever
and we are dispensable
just like a high.
1-1999
*************************
...and sometimes the days are
much too long-
and maybe the years pass so slow
and troubles may seem to be everywhere
in ever corner of every place we go
and sometimes the nights
may leave us cold
searching for the meaning of life-
attempting to solve the mystery...
but we try forever,
never making progress...
...and sometimes the days are
much too long
the winding path we walk
seems to go on and on
forever-
but in the end we find
ourselves.......ourselves....
the one thing we
thought we knew
all along.
1-12-1999
***************************
Mirror
Is she the devil or the angel?
Is she the good or the bad?
Is she the one night stand
you wish you'd never had?
Is she the dark or the light?
Is she the warm or the cold?
Is she that one small secret
you wish you'd never told?
Is she the rain or the snow?
Is she the sun or the moon?
Is she the crucial decision
you know you made too soon?
Is she the ocean or the land?
Is she the mountain or the shore?
Is she the little child
you wish you'd never bore?
Is she the pleasure or the pain?
Is she the nightmare or the dream?
Is she the pretty face
you wish you'd never seen?
Is she the beginning or the end?
Is she heaven or is she hell?
Is she the dark secret
you promised never to tell?
Is she dead or is she alive?
Is she You or is she Me?
Or is she the face in the Mirror
that we all are afraid to see?
1-12-1999
******************************
Her eyes are wide
her tongue tied
she watched her friends
as they died
but she never cried
and she never smiles
even once in a while
I believe her face
belongs to a child
She does not mourn
though she is torn
and, wishing now
she'd not been born
and her legs are strong
her arms are long
and all along
she knew we were wrong.
And now we sit
pondering it
as it falls like shit
drip by drip
down our faces
and it's all too clear
now that she's hear
because she knows
the sky rains her tears.
1-12-1999
********************************
Purify Me
Someone please
purify me
and set my bitter
mind at ease
cleanse my soul
and bury the troll
and let my heart freeze
in the bitter cold.
Purify me
or let me be
free
to wallow
in self pity
and accept the blame
to end this game
of cat and mouse
and fortune and fame.
Purify me
from my disease
of morbid thoughts
and slow release
take from me
the desire to be
the girl who died
yet lived for free.
Purify me
my friend
and my hierarchy
and let me
suffer no more
in this world
of pure hypocrisy.
1-19-1999
*************************
It is time to say goodbye, dear
it is time to move on,
I've fought this feeling long enough
but again freedom has won.
It is time to kiss one last time
for our time as one is through,
but as we drift apart as lovers
as a friend I shall always love you.
It is time to say goodbye, dear
it is time to walk away,
no matter how bad I want to
I just cannot stay.
It is time to tell you one last time
just how much I care-
You are my friend forever,
but it must end there.
1-19-1999
***************************
I wish I could return
I wish I could return to my innocence
once again united with dignity
but instead I lay here shivering
the ghosts of my soul are rid of me.
It seems to always hit me
as I am laying in bed
just wondering what would happen
if my world just went dead.
But then I realize the truth
that I will always be alone
because I cannot accept comfort
-it is not what I have known.
I am afraid to get close
because I know how I can be
and I want to protect those
who mean something to me.
I wish I could return to my innocence
A bright blue eyed child
but now I am but a nymph
stubborn, impatient, and wild.
I have asked everyone
that I do not really know
what is is that binds me
to these feelings I hate so?
They do not answer my question
they do not attempt to be
a friend, or a companion
they just want a piece of me.
I wish I could return
to the comfort of my soul
and break the barrier that keeps me here
dark, silent, and cold.
1- 19- 1999
***************************
I am a butterfly
grace in my wings
beauty hidden
in my wanderings-
sunlight shines
and illuminates me
My brilliance so strong
that few do not see.
I am a butterfly
fresh from my cocoon-
I savor my freedom
but death shall come soon.
For all things beautiful
shall come to pass
and my freedom is precious
but it shall not last.
I am a butterfly
feel my grace
can you not see
the beauty of my face?
Wings like the sun
warm and bright
and still though I try
I cannot win the fight.
1-19-1999
***************************
I stumble into my own trap
once again
life is sin
when I speak
from within.
I fight the nightmares
that bind me
blind me
tear me limb from limb
but I can not
be free.
I know it is my fate
to die here
in a puddle of my tears
soaking my soul
with all my fears.
I stumble into my own trap
only to break free
and begin to see
Reality;
for the nightmares have ceased
and the demons released
and my soul now bears
no disease.
My fate now sealed
with secrets revealed
I begin to shield
myself
from pain
as I revel in my
amnesty
once again.
1-19-1999
************************
Fever
I jumped off the world today
holding my parachute
in my hands
not really planning to use it;
Just in case
I change my mind
but as I fell into nothingness
I knew it was right
I even began to see things
hear things
and I almost thought
I could feel things.
Images flashing before me
like a slide show
of my life;
My mother
pacing me as I cried
as a baby,
in her arms.
Some things you can never replace
(especially those things you never
remembered before...)
My father,
I watched him as he worked
building our home
with bare hands
no regret
no remorse
no sorrow
and no feeling that maybe he
could have had a different life.
I even saw my brothers
and my sister
sitting in a circle
asking my mother why?
Why did she go?
And I started to cry
because I was gone now
and nothing could bring me back.
No one could make me happy...
or could they?
Maybe my parachute will work?
But then what?
Where would I land?
On another planet?
On the sun perhaps?
Or maybe on the roof
of a blind mans home
where he shall call for me-
ask me who's there...
or maybe it will be in an alley
of some goddess of some other world.
(a sharp pain, my body stings...)
“what is it, what's wrong?”
it is my mother,
and I have been crying
“was it a nightmare?”
no, mother, I thought,
it was a reality.
Maybe time is different for me?
Maybe time goes by faster
or maybe in a different dimension?
"breakfast is ready”.
1- 23-1999
******************************
The teeth of the toothbrush
frighten me
sometimes things like that
can draw blood
and paranoia
seems to me
to be
the secret characteristic
of personality.
Everyone is scared
that everyone else
is after them
and when something is done
good- or -bad
one must ponder
upon the Real Reason it was done-
an ulterior motive.
But me.
Yeah me.
I hate that quality
in people.
Like,
why can't things
Just Be?
1-23-1999
****************************
Inside I always wanted to know
you?
Or just one like you?
But then I wandered
into your domain-
and found myself
playing your game.
Ahh, it was sudden
like death
but for me it was new-
and sweet.
And as I explored the caves
that I never knew before
I found myself swept away.
Was this my dream coming true?
Although my mind was
not strong
I knew what I was doing
and I knew I liked it.
And so did you.
And inside I had always wanted to,
I guess now I have,
thanks to you.
1-23-1999
***************************
Dream V
As the darkness covered me
I felt so alone
my angel was away
and I was dazed and stoned
I felt his eyes watching me
but I wondered if it could be
my one true angel
coming back for me
I thought he had left
and walked out on me
but I realized that it was I
who was too blind to see
that not only did I need my angel,
but that he needed me too,
and so with that realization
came a moment of truth:
that forever and ever
until the day I die
I need to feel his presence,
I need to feel his eyes
watching upon me
to protect me from wrong
and I realized then
that the wind was his song
he would shake the trees
to show that he was there
he was in the water
he was in the air
I could feel him sometimes
when I would stand still
and I would close my eyes
and begin to feel
his arms around me
though he was but a breeze
and that moment of preciousness
would bring me to my knees
and so as the darkness fell
but once again
I could feel the presence
of my angel within...
1.23.99
******************************
Hypocrisy
Bigotry
They all give it up for free
they put your money
in the stock market
selling your babies
on the black market.
Blaming
Defaming
while your mother they're shaming.
Sepulchral
Adultery
the news at Six is sultry
blame it on the president-
stocks went down 3%
now the boss cant pay his rent.
Cocktail parties
while mamas at Hardees
the neighborhood thief
wearing Armani
Its all Politics
crooks and pricks
get a raise-
suck their dicks.
February 1999
**************************
She finds herself out of place
perhaps she was born too late?
The contemporary world of today
isn't sufficient for her taste.
She is amazed
by the full service gas station attendant
wearing an Armani suit-
it is all idiosyncratic to her-
she finds it all out of tune.
And the couple down the street
together since '32
find that on the contrary
they were born too soon.
But still she gets along
and enjoys it just the same
and even I know
the internet is not to blame
for I myself was once run over
on the information super highway
I can see why she's afraid.
The 1920's record player
she found by chance
is out of tune and badly bruised
but that's the type of thing she fancies.
for Leanne McDaniel
February 1999
***********************
Dwelling in my ample mind
I ask questions
that are never answered.
I seek yet I do not find.
The earth is my ship
and it is beginning to sink.
The storm is so strong
that I cannot think.
The world is vast
and I am a speck.
But I live in my mind,
in the captains deck.
And I preach not my beliefs,
but I pray to my god,
and I understand not
the paths I have trod.
But for all my knowledge
of the world and my ship,
the storm overcomes me
and forces me to submit.
I can swim these seas
and pretend to be ok,
but pictures speak a thousand words-
things that I shall never say.
In my ample wonderings
and wanderings inside my mind
there remain such precious things
that still I cannot find.
And if this storm sinks my ship
and I have been subdued,
the absence of my mind shall end
my arrogant attitude.
2-15-1999
******************************
I have crawled beneath the ledges
and pillars of truth;
I have climbed the mountains
and valleys of the obvious;
I have seen the world inside and out.
But I am still not wise.
How is it that my mind moves
at such a rapid pace,
a pace that my physical being
can not follow?
My impulses and desires torture
my well-being;
For I am human and have worldly needs,
but where is the underlying control?
Why can I not defy my desires
just once,
and do what, in my mind, is right?
I know that I am educated
in all the ways of the world.
I have done all that I can foresee possible
at this time
and yet happiness has yet to be revealed.
I have swam the lakes and oceans of denial;
I have almost drowned in my own fear;
The core of my being remains fragile,
yet the crust, the shell that binds my spirit
appears frigid and firm.
I have been tormented by ghosts of my past
and I have won the war of wondering
what the future holds,
but in the final battle against temptation
I have had many casualties.
And now my conscience cannot rest.
I have accepted the consequence of my actions
and yet I still do not feel whole.
And my feline tendencies increase with age.
I revel in my ability to attract attention
whether it be for good or for bad.
I make my own decisions
and I take my own risks.
And I may have nine lives,
it seems so, sometimes;
And like my feline companions
I may saunter in and do as I please
expecting everyone else to understand.
Yes, egotism runs strong within me;
Or maybe just a self-realization
that I am an object of envy.
I have caused my own unhappiness
for the most part;
And can I even say that I am unhappy?
A constant smile adorns my placid face
and I cannot say that my worries are severe,
or even numerous.
It is not the world that scares me,
or even tempts my soul being
but it is my internal armies...
the North vs the South.
And it seems to me that the south
has prevailed...at least for now.
But the north will not give up.
For the north is where my ideas unravel,
and then they travel southbound
into the perils of the unknown,
into the dark caverns of temptation
and pleasure.
The prime purpose of my life
is to help the North conquer the South
and then I may finally be Free.
This internal civil war has
already
brought down too many casualties,
and I fear that I, too, may be next.
2-15-1999
*****************************
Can you feel me fucking you?
Can you feel me plucking your teeth
from your bleeding gums-
swollen from impact
of sticking your foot in your mouth?
Suck it dry
suck it dry-
all the water from the lake
spit the pollution from your mouth
onto your dinner plate.
“we can't please them all” you say
Hysterically, I agree-
but I like watching you bleed.
I like fucking you in the ass.
Sell your soul to the kkk
to pay off your welfare checks-
the idea almost sounds attractive.
Clean your plate
before you leave the table-
and don't forget to say your prayers
before bedtime.
Fuckhead.
February 1999
*****************************
I looked to the sky
and saw the ocean
full of mermaids
swimming in synchronized circles
aiming for the surface
where I could see
and feel
the sun glittering upon the water.
And I felt happy.
I smiled and I could not avert my eyes.
A fuzzy warmth spread over me
and I realized I was in my own reality here.
And I walked along
arm in arm
with a nameless man
who seemed, at the time,
to be my own.
And the lollipop fields and trees of crystals
and roads all smiled
at me.
They all knew.
And when I closed my eyes I saw
the answers
to the questions I've always asked
(and never gotten answers).
But, funny, and even contradictorily,
when I closed my eyes they were now open,
to many wondrous things.
Things only few can handle to know.
Things only clear to those of us
who like mind expansion
and the gift of experience.
And then I found the truth.
That we are all amoebas
swimming in the cankerous sore
called humanity.
And most are sucked in.
but I, no I cannot give in.
I will be free, in the end.
3-2-1999
***************************
The eyes of god are forever
upon us
and the scent of evil
lingers
but to experience the extreme
to reach inside ones own mind
and pull from its shallow depths
the euphoric meanings
and feelings
of ones true Self
is to truly know Reality-
is to truly begin to understand
the life
in which we live-
to see oneself in ones essence
to know the meaning
of ecstasy...
to be the feeling
and only the feeling
and to feel but oneself...
ones true nature.
Experience;
it is the essence...
to experience all
is to truly have wisdom
to look back upon life
and know
that you
did your best
so experience
all sides of the life force
and all sides of the argument.
Close-minded mites
carrying the names
of our mothers and fathers
and sisters and friends,
superficial beings
with superficial thinkings
all unaware that there is a greater
plane...
a greater understanding of life
and of oneself.
Experience.
To experience is to Know.
And the freedom to experience
is a necessity.
3-2-1999
*************************
In a dream I was alone
fighting the limbs of the trees
that reached for me
trying to pull me in
trying to swallow me
whole,
and somehow I escaped
and ended up in the forest
naked and cold
but not alone.
Someone watched from the trees
as I shivered
and cried for help.
For 18 days I wandered
bruised and torn
and starving
and praying for my salvation.
And I was found
almost dead
not much left
inside my head
for the ailments that I suffered
were all in the mind
and I woke up in a sweat
in the comfort of my bed
and it felt so real
that I just could not shake
the feeling that someone
was there
still
and maybe there is,
and maybe it is just my shadow...
3-2-1999
**************************
I rectify your error
with urges of despair
I watch your body disappear
into the nighttime air
I hear your shadow weep
as your ailing body sleeps
and I know
that you can not know
that I am watching over you
protecting you
from the truth.
In constant state of madness
you toss and turn and cry
and my duty to defend you
appears to be a lie.
I crush the morning sun
with the darkness of my heart
one cannot be alone
with the faint of heart.
And now the sounding of the harp
and then the final war
and in the days to come
we shall heed the whore
and time will stand still
and the rivers will run dry
the moon shall hang limp
weeping as we die
for life was meant to end
and the ending calls us near
and so, my friend, that is why
I have followed you here.
You shall be the final act
upon my silent stage
and you shall thank the world for me,
your brutal, honest sage.
3-2-1999
*****************************
October Rust
October
a cool medium;
not too hot or too cold
a time of change
with many colored leaves
falling to the ground
but always being swept away
by the wind
to some foreign place,
but it's just as well,
for boredom does not suffice.
Rust
the orange golden layer
of Time
adorning
the metallic states
that we all live in
at one point,
the contamination
of purity
yet beautiful
and it imprints itself
on whatever it touches.
Me
confused yet wise?
Prone to experience
anything
and
everything,
at once?
Yearning for affection
yet hiding
when it seeks me out.
Strong yet weak,
influencing those around me
imprinting my image
into their minds
to remind them
who
they
are-
Be.
That is all.
The secret to life
to Be.
Be whoever or whatever.
But don't be afraid to discover
and explore
and experience
the beauty
of life
for the October Rust
shall rub off on all
and the orange flame
that burns
in me
shall ignite
the stars
and become too hot
to bear,
and the breeze
of autumn
shall once
again
B L O W M E I N T O
foreign lands
to be reminded
of who I am,
and to understand
that I must Be.
And I Must.
For I Am
October Rust.
3-7-1999
************************
I'm sitting here
out of my mind...
in a haze of
purple velvet,
anticipating
waiting
trying to find
my piece of mind
only...
I cannot understand
what drives me
to do
the things I do...
and so as the
minutes
and
then
hours pass lazily-
I understand
this.
And soon after,
the haze is
gone.
3-20-1999
***************************
As a paradigm of natural selection
and survival of the fittest,
the government exceeds the usual limit
of power for one species.
What can we do,
being lower on the food chain
and higher on crack,
our views distorted with visions
of freedom,
and perhaps, feelings of neglect.
What can we do?
We can voice our opinions
while we are hunted,
approach our beliefs
with the utmost care
and smallest amount of bias
as possible,
without ruining the possibility
of entrapment.
We can hide like cowardly
pigeons
and pray that we are left alone
to our own immoral world
of standards
and ill-communications.
We can sacrifice our babies
so that we
can remain on the guest list
of the democrepublican party,
(they always have good entres...)
What can we do?
What can we do while they are
raping us of our individuality?
While they are disgracing our values
and beliefs, all because
we do not conform,
and on the other hand
we are not supporting their fundraisers.
Give to the people! They say.
Contribute to the common cause! They scream.
Let us control you! They ask.
And I, I sit back in my lazy boy-
(well, the couch I, uh, borrowed from the dorm lounge)
and I smile.
I am not bitter.
I really am not all that interested
in the good of man.
I am not going to conform to their
wishes and their systems
and I am not going to pray
to their 'checks and balances'
and I am not going to
sell my family
on the black market
for the price of popularity
among those who hold seats.
I have my seat,
and it is just as comfortable.
I am not going to raise my voice
as they raise their flag,
I am not going to clench my fists
as they clench our purses.
I am not going to curse my god
as they curse the poor.
I am not going to open my mouth
in disrespect
as they open their wallets
to pay off the mob (or whomever else).
I am not going to bury hate in my heart
as they bury their scandals;
I do not care of their deeds, their transgressions,
their feeble attempts at seniority.
I do not care for the taxes they put on me,
my family
and my friends
for I shall pay.
I do not have anger in my heart
directed towards them, let them
go about their ways as I go about mine.
For I understand things which are not clear
to most.
Their minds are still in the larval stage,
they have not yet evolved;
I just sit back, smile, and say
“the caterpillar cannot understand the butterfly...”
and it is true.
But just as they do not understand those like me,
the majority does not yet understand them.
For though they may be dirty in their ways,
and false in their statements
and dishonest in their work,
are they not in power?
How did they get there?
Who put them where they are today?
It is the people who put them there,
and now it is those people who complain.
The people are being played as fools,
by the 'government',
and bitterness takes over.
But I, I do not concern myself with those matters.
Those matters are of no interest to me.
I seek knowledge, understanding, and Truth.
I seek tolerance, wisdom, and salvation.
And I do not look to them,
for they are of another dimension to me,
and I displace myself from that interaction.
I shall not conform, but
neither shall I disrespect.
3-28-1999
**********************************
The times I've tried
to live and die
amount to sugar
in the sky.
The world, although
it is, I know
dying, In vain I try
to see, without believing
when it is that it will die.
But first, I ask, copping a feel
'is this world an ideal?
Is it just a cliché
or even worse,
a yesterday?
Are we just puppets
on a string,
doing everything
that can be done
(that's not to say
it is right).'
Although I understand
that to live a life from
someones hand
depresses me
And so I try
to defy
all the bullshit
that everyone buys
for we are men
and far too few
people know
what we can do.
Defy the hand that hold you down
don't be their birthday clown.
They play you for
the fool that you are
and you cannot see
nor can you feel
that this earth is round
or even that it is real.
But I understand
as many do not,
or perhaps they all
just forgot,
but either way,
I see, its true
that power is cancer
eating through you,
and leaving the mark-
a dirty stain-
easing the sorrow
but not the pain.
3-28-1999
********************************
Support the homeless, let it be of
Yours that they eat. Donate to the
Local thief; Generosity is the
Drug which is most addictive. The
Dealers of bullshit use their tactics,
The lies, as their drug of choice.
Government agencies pretend to care, but who
Has ever fed their children with senate policy. They
Raised our taxes so they could take a vacation.
Their children eat of their disgrace.
Taxes are intended to erase a culture,
To support a perfect Race. To
Pay attention is to pay the price; They get
Off on watching the poor man beg,
The sick man cry; While they invent the
Deficit to keep our pockets dry.
(First word in each line)
3-28-1999
****************************
Ok, ok, ok
you've heard it all before,
so what exactly happens
when the reapers at your door?
Invite him in for a cup of tea
and you shall soon be free.
Try to hide upstairs,
and lock your door,
well my friend, that just means
that you shall pay him more.
For if you try to run,
and if you try to hide,
Death will just chuckle quietly
as he makes his way inside.
Open up the door for him
and ask him for a hand,
tell him that you need a date
to the promised land.
Do not tell him how great you are
and do not try to boast...
for it is that which never fails
to bother him the most.
But tell him that he looks good
'is that a new shirt?'
It may not get you to heaven,
but it surely will not hurt.
So you've heard it all before
and you want me to leave?
Ok, ok, ok
but I hope that you believe.
I gather up my jacket,
and I head home once more,
'Uh, one more thing, ma'am,
there is someone at your door...'
3 28 1999
****************************
Last night I had a dream
of chocolate ice cream
and silicone pants
busting at the seams
frosted flakes in whip cream
uh oh, now look,
granny lost her teeth.
I saw the moon
as American cheese
or American sleaze
but that didn't bother me...
as long as its all for free.
The sky was bread, ten days old
the stars were mold
and the sun was cold
the trees were toothpicks
and the leaves were sticks
and all the birds
perched on dicks
but that didn't bother me...
as long as its all for free.
The ground was wet
with stinking sweat
and all the rocks
drank vinaigrette,
but much much to my dismay
the bricks refused to lay
because, they say
they think my dog spot is gay.
But that didn't bother me...
as long as its all for free.
3-28-1999
****************************
I would not, but for a moment, wonder
who it is that I am
I know that I am woman
born of wife and man.
I know that I am independent
though I may not be wise,
I can think for myself, at least,
and I do not feed off lies.
I am what you think I am,
whatever it is that you see,
that could be your individual
definition of me.
I am the past that never seems to fade,
the eternally damning promise
that you should never have made.
I am what you want me to be,
go on, fantasize,
but what you pretend I am
does not change what I am inside.
I would not, but for a moment, wonder
why it is that I am...
maybe I am a government secret
or another policemans scam?
You seem to think you know,
who it is that I am,
so why do you think I AM?
I will tell you,
I am not here to wonder about
silly things like this,
you have me asking questions
when Id rather be taking a piss.
I am just me, and I am because I am,
and I do not eat green eggs, do I Sam?
So I have, but for a moment, wondered
who and why I am,
and yet still I do not know
or even give a damn.
3-28-1999
*****************************
I am a transcendent sea of reality
I am that which exists
purely for the art of pleasure
how can this world be solid
if that which guides us
is so insoluble
4-1999
***************************
My mind is a vortex of emotion
thoughts appearing to me
as a spiraling string of senses...
I am a force beyond recognition
creating illusions....my reality...
a confusion of normality.
And still, the vortex spins.
Awakening the fire inside me
which burns in place of a heart.
For so long I have hidden
behind this wall of protection...
all for what? To keep this vortex
spiraling awkwardly inside my soul?
It yearns to break free,
to reach the surface of my being
and conquer my fear of love.
I am not ignorant of this fear,
and now I desire the closeness
I have not felt in so long.
I yearn to free this vortex of emotion
and perhaps add to the illusion...
of my reality.
4-12-1999
**************************
Daddy
I want to tell you
how much I love you
before I have to go.
I don't want something
to happen to me
before I let you know.
I know you know
how much I care
although it hasn't been said
but I want to say it
right here, right now
before life finds one of us dead.
4-12-1999
**************************
Crossroads
I am laying in a bed
my bed
which is floating
weightlessly
in the red sky.
It is hot,
and I feel the heat deep
in my soul,
yet there is no sun.
There is no light.
I am afraid,
I feel alone and helpless
on
my bed.
Then a force grabs
me,
an invisible force
trying to suck me
away from my bed.
It is strong,
but I resist,
desperately clutching to my bed
trying to hold on
to life.
But I know, that I am dead.
I know, but I do not accept it.
The force eventually lets go
and I am once again
returned to the comfort
of my bed,
exhausted and scared.
Where am I?
Am I in heaven or am I in hell?
Which way am I headed?
I sit up,
ready to leave,
somewhere,
but I am smacked
in the face
with black emptiness...
nothingness.
A void.
And it throws me back onto the bed,
dizzy and frustrated
and I suddenly am in my own world
again.
Yet, no one acknowledges me.
No one knows I am there.
I am dead,
and non-existent to them.
I try to talk, to scream.
But no one hears.
And I know that I am dead.
4-14-1999
*****************************
Waiting
I wait
endlessly
watching
the time
as it ticks by
slowly
I stare
into the
blank sky
searching
for an answer
but finding nothing
but an emptiness
much like my own
hollow
monotonous life
I crave
meaning
and truth
but my soul shall
wait
forever
to be satisfied.
Time has begun
to run together
DayByDay
WeekByWeek
MonthByMonth
and my life
remains incomplete
sullen
melancholic
thoughts plaster my mind
and I am still
Waiting.
5-28-1999
************************
It is a tale of self-destruction
self-indulgence
self denial
and self acceptance.
It is an attempt to be real.
To be free.
To be one
with eternity.
June 1999
***************************
Necessary Solitude
Only I can fathom
the contents of my mind
So many try to reach me
but my world they cannot find.
My solitude is detrimental
but only to my soul
and I shall subdue, in time,
the freedom that they stole.
The emperor wears a smile-
a permanent facade-
while he rapes us of tranquility
in this matrix he has made.
But his synthetic reality
shall not force me to submit-
I will not fall victim to
this political bullshit.
I am aware
that nothing here is real...
I do not need society
to tell me how I feel.
To me, everyone is a puppet
complete with plastic soul
the emperor is the government
playing its fascist role.
My solitude is effective
in keeping my mind real-
for, living a life inside the box
to me just doesn't appeal.
6-12-1999
***************************
The more I think about life
and people
and things in general,
the more I realize
how absurd I am.
I have the characteristics of
a flower pot.
Well, not really,
but I thought it sounded good.
See? That is absurdity
in and of itself.
The more I think about you,
our friendship,
our one year of memories,
the more I realize
how lucky I am.
You have the characteristics of a worry rock;
If I am anxious or worried,
I just grab you,
and hold on,
and rub you,
and the fact that I know you are there
makes me happy again.
See, it is luck.
I wonder how long it took for the sky to
fall
on Penny the Hen?
Perhaps the sky did not fall
at all?
Maybe instead the ground rose.
You cannot dismiss the idea.
I have found that the most profound
thing I know
is that you cannot fit a Cadillac
up your nose.
And also,
the more you try to reach the moon
the more you will regret not just looking at
It and
appreciating it
just for being there.
And so, absurd as I am
to have a mind that works as it does,
and as lucky as I am
to have you,
I must just sit back and feel thankful-
for, the caterpillar cannot understand
the butterfly.
So it may as well not even try.
And I don't care about why a
Cadillac will not fit up my nose,
but I do care about you.
And that is all that matters.
I love you always,
Dear Friend;
you are my soulmate, my angel;
and you will always be thought of.
Even if I cant touch the moon.
For Nate
6-25-1999
*****************************
Forever I revel in my appeal
I pay the price
That lets me feel
I am impatient in my futile attempt
To love
Devilishly
Without remorse.
I feverishly devour all that stands
Between me
And my reveries.
And my dreams are decorated in
The blood
The sin
And the passions
That scorch my soul
And heart within.
7.11.99
*****************************
Those little men
who work the gears
to my brain
are working overtime
tonight
desperately caught between
the desire to do
and the desire to be
those little men
are sometimes
the only people
who
really
know me.
7-16-1999
************************
Little girl bit
her lip
and held back
salty tears
to keep the secrets
from being
revealed.
She still doesn't
know why
she is desperately
holding on
to those tiny
puddles of
sorrow.
Just move on, little girl....
7-16-1999
***************************
Cremation of Isolation
The dank homeland of remorse
lies in the feverish
cracks in my brain.
Fear flakes from my skin
like peeling flesh
after a blister
or a rash,
scattering in the wind
to pollute the atmosphere
with fear and sorrow.
All I need in order to survive
is stored in my mind,
but my inability to
accept that
forces me deeper into isolation
from my own reality.
7-27-1999
***************************
Time and its only flaw
By one definition, time is
the duration of ones life;
the hours and days which a
person has at his disposal.
Looking back now, on my childhood,
I realize how unsympathetic
Time is.
Like sand swept from sea
to shore,
I have, like my siblings, been
thrust from the world in which
I knew for so long
into the reality of
the coming of age.
I watch the scars of Time,
and of error,
in the creases of my brothers face.
I once looked at the innocence
and purity
of a small boy,
who was destined to be great.
And now all I can see is desperation.
I do not have pity,
yet it makes me sad to see him,
years older than he should be,
fighting for a life free of strain.
He is running from the hands of time,
refusing to be a man,
refusing to accept the responsibilities
of adulthood.
And then I see my younger brother,
almost an exact replica
of a younger Jeremiah.
Only, Peter is years younger
but at the same time,
years older.
He is older at his age now
than Jeremiah ever was...
at the time.
Or maybe it is just the
passing of time, faster,
in larger cycles now than before.
And there is me,the tragic daughter,
the (im)perfection of humanity
forced into desperate destruction?
I don't even feel like the same
person;
The wide-eyed child
that once dreamed-
now I am a dark soldier
in the war against time.
And the only flaw in
the destination of
Time, is
Me.
7-27-1999
**************************
They all gasp and look away
I am the Asp who haunts Luray
I stare them down,
one by one
and watch them shrink
in their insecurity
as I weaken their already shallow
minds.
Their smile turns to frown,
my moon their sun
and I begin to think
of all the reasons
why everyone of them wallow
pathetically
in
self denial.
If I could help them I certainly would,
but for now my image
remains misunderstood.
They call me a lesbian,
they call me a whore,
they would call me other names
if they could think of any more.
At first it irked me,
at first I was mad,
but then I realized it wasn’t quite so bad.
I would rather be called gay,
and I would rather be a slut
than live close-mindedly in this
hellhole, this rut.
They don’t understand 'different'
and they label you fast,
they don’t understand the present,
yet they hold on to the past,
change is unheard of
to these people, this disease-
Don’t let them rob you of individuality,
just do as you please.
8-25-99
**************************
Here. Always. Somewhere Else
Here.
Always.
Somewhere else.
…..hidden beneath the pillars
of confusion.
The weight of my thoughts
form a contusion.
The mass of ideas which
circle my mind
create an illusion that no one
can find.
I remain
B R O K E N
into t i n y p i e c e s . . .
my heart craving
love, devotion-
all the things I left behind-
merely because I was blind.
My soul a mess
my life in shreds
of missed opportunity.
My main concern
is my escape-
back to my home.
My refuge from disgust.
This place of broken trust.
I am
Here.
Always.
Somewhere Else.
Hidden beneath the pillars of
confusion.
8-30-1999
****************************
Can a life which understands only that
which it sees
ever really become totally free?
Or will it remain synthetically happy
with no intention to ever Be?
I am an Echo....
A reverberation of you.
September 1999
********************************
I will touch you like no other
I will feel you from the inside
I will taste the salt of your skin
and in every pore it tries to hide
I will eat the demons from your flesh
I will swallow your innocence whole
and when I've finished seducing your body
I will attempt to fuck your soul.
September 1999
********************************
Creating and degrading and coming of age
this land is the land in which we slave
hardened hearts crippled with lies
tears of resentment falling from the skies
and all but the insane are crazy in the brain
forever we see in our own reality
believing the lies that we are free.
9-12-1999
**********************************
I can see the beauty in the mist that lingers on the pine.
I can feel the freshness of the sweetest wine.
I can touch the freedom in the October air
but I can never hold you, for you are not there.
I can see things which cannot be seen
and I can hear the whisper of a thousand dreams.
I can envision a lifetime of serenity and peace
hiding from the demons everyone has released.
I can melt into the flames like an orb of pleasure
and I can count the things which cannot be measured-
but even in the brightest smile;
In the happiest dream;
In the most generous kind- I still am lost
because it is you which I will never find.
9-12-1999
***************************
I live in a world of symbolism
and Illusion
all that I know
I know in confusion
Signs for this
and words for that
all things synthetic is where its at?
And I thought I had been free
I thought I understood
and I should
but it was a dream
and now it seems
that I am not free
I play the role
of that which I am
and it is the way
it's always been.
You know, those times
you think you're
your own
and come to know
you don't function alone?
I still live in a world of
symbolism
and confusion
all that I know
is just an illusion.
9-12-1999
****************************
She waits for the moment
when she can break free
her mind spins in frustration
for what she can never be
the voices are all around her
whispering and giggling in disgrace
but when she turns to face the crowd
she stares into blank space
The torment of her demons
stains of the innocence she never had
and the scent of evil on her skin
threatens to drive her mad
Forever she waits
and prays and lies
and wipes the bloody tears
from her eyes
She's forced into isolation
for this world is not her friend
and she shall sulk in solitude
until the bitter end.
9-14-1999
*********************************
I saw a cornfield in the sky tonight
I guess it is waiting to be reaped.
Maybe it was a hallucination.
Doubtful.
I have once again had a revelation:
the longer I stay here, the longer I stay here.
I must get out.
What do I have to lose?
9-19-1999
*****************************
The crisp air carries the voice
of a thousand princes-
caressing my body and telling
me how sweet it could be;
it says Surrender
yourself:
But, no, I cannot.
The wind rippling through
my skin
like a passion
unknown.
I grasp it
but only hold an image
in my mind
of what it would be like.
The sky fills with
fury
as the air desperately
clutches my lungs.
And still
I remain on the ground-
touched by the voices
of a thousand princes-
but unable to
succumb
to the crisp Autumn air.
9-21-2000
*******************************
Spill the seed and let it rot
beckoning a world of waste and disgust
bring it into the realm of confusion
where love is just an open illusion
and frustration persists
and even I insist
that to take the fall is the hardest of all.
And I give up and I give in
and I give out
and again they win
and again I sin
and still my heart remains untrue
to life itself
and I make adjustments where need be
and I make it all to try to be free
and still the demons catch up with me.
9-27-1999
**************************
I think I'm slowly dying
Inside, my heart is crying
and I'm trying
to stop this eternal lying.
When the undying light dies
the woman with no soul cries
in spite of all the years of fears
and unmatched solitary tears
she finds herself still trying.
And here I sit in awe of myself
no flaw, no hell
no magic spell
just me trying to be free
and all my tryings and all my fears
and all my clothes soaked in tears
slowly fades away...
another chance for me to Be.....
I think I'm slowly living
and barely breathing
and still my heart is breaking
as my lungs are heaving
leaving no room for meaning..
Desperately I try to defy
but my life is a lie
and that is a truth
I cannot deny.
9-29-1999
*****************************
Its that ringing again
I can't stand the ringing
make it go away
take it all away
leave nothing but the day
and let the day be gray.
I cannot see in color
I cannot love in vain
I cannot hear you calling
when all I feel is pain
the sun does not shine for me
the sea does not wave
the meadows are green with envy
and I cannot be brave.
Make that ringing go away
make it all just go away
I cannot speak in lies
I cannot stand up to fear
I cannot feel your presence
whenever you are near.
Something is telling me to go
just leave it all behind
someone is following me
they've gotten inside my mind.
Only I can see it now
no one else can understand
only I can feel it now
the touch of someones hand
only I can hear it now
the voice of something new
only I can say it now
to the someone that is you.
There they go again
the bells are ringing
ringing ringing ringing loud
and I am looking down upon you
from my little cloud.
9-27-1999
********************************
They are all so transparent.
I can see right through them.
Do they think they can manipulate me,
fool me, play me?
Whats the matter with my life
that they do not understand....
only fools believe they know
who I am.
9-27-1999
*********************************
Killing me today will not save you from tomorrow
Peel my skin from my face and tell me what you see
insert your tools into my brain if it will set you free
twist and tear and cut away the remainder of my flesh
then stare at me in complete disgust as you rip away the rest
cut me into pieces and let my blood soak your clothes
I will surrender at will, my life is yours to dispose
Take whats left of my tattered body and let my begging soul go
bury me in some far off land where no one will ever know
I give to you the chance to be the person you've always wanted to be
I have no remorse, no regret, no resentment as you take my life from me
In honor of your strength of will to leave my life in shreds
I go by choice into the earth as you bury me in dread
but remember this, my love, my desperate dear angel of sorrow
killing me today will not save you from tomorrow.
9-27-1999
*****************************************
How we find sex between whisper and scream
You say to me
“pleasure is the
language of love.
The naked body of a woman is beautiful;
her frailty
her smooth golden skin
glistening like a wet kiss
in your embrace.
Her passion burning
dripping slowly, like feverish sweat
from her soft, velvety face.
She craves your touch;
her pale nude mound
wet with desire
in agonizing anticipation.
You are gentle,
bathing in her wave of pulsating ecstasy.”
I swallow the night as I become Her-
devouring you ravenously,
tasting the sweetness of your skin
as you melt into an orb of pleasure.
As one, we are invincible;
our world consisting of nothing but pure bliss.
I am entangled in your flesh
sharing the beat of your heart,
drowning in your warm, wet kiss.
If our wild
ferocious
animalistic sex
satisfies our hunger for power
and eternal boundless ecstasy,
then relax;
for we now reign in
unrestricted Divinity.
And
I say to you
“ It is only through
anguish
that one understands
the true language
of
Love.”
October 1999
****************************
She parts the waves with her ferocious aggression-
piercing eyes- and starving soul.
She cannot contain her desire to know it all.
She looks through the walls of your insecurity
picking apart your flaws, one by one.
She even attempts to fuck your soul-
partly because she craves to witness
your desperate confusion
when you experience the ultimate.
She rapes you of your defense
and hides behind her immortal presence.
She, only she, can part the waves
of Earths' denial-
and she fears only ignorance.
October 1999
****************************
Isolation of sensation ~ Characterized manipulation
With a facade of friendliness
she caresses your thoughts
with gentle, disturbing lies.
She manipulates your soul
in an attempt
to free herself from pride.
She understands the concept
of creation by relation
and she knows no danger.
With leaden hands and a cold heart
she massages your warm body
into ecstasy.
You have no idea
that you are about to become
the victim.
10- 12-1999
***************************
And my silence turned to confusion
as the two ends of my lifeline grew inward.
One to the left and the other to my right.
And as I watched the game-board,
occupied by pawns, bishops, knights, rooks and
queens and kings
I begin to strategize my move.
Each move would have to be made in complete positivity.
One false move could lose the game.
And then I remember
there is no game.
Or is there?
Me, and one & two.
One and two equals three.
But what equals me?
They argue, or discuss.
And I am still desperately seeking an answer.
What do I do in a situation like this.
How can the two opposite poles of my personality coincide
so as to make me inconsiderate
of the innocent bystanders?
And the ones who posses the qualities
that fulfill my soul being
are so closely connected
and distract my world so completely.
And yet I refuse to choose
because that would be
Game Over.
10-13-1999
**********************************
My reveries become my Reality
I cannot distinguish fate from free
the world as I know it is an in-between-
on one side You sit and on the other is Me
fact or fiction
truth or dare
everyone knows that life isn't fair.
But dreams are an escape
through just a silent ride
and I have fallen from grace
I am now at your side.
Illusions are my only truth
as reality is my pride
but soon the day shall turn to night
and you shall be my bride.
You transfix me
and transform me
into a transcendent form
and my heart remains
unbroken
and pure, and warm.
10-13-1999
******************************
Doctor doctor look in my eyes
tell me, is there anyone inside?
I cannot see I cannot dream
I cannot explain what I mean
Is there something wrong with me?
Prick my finger keep my blood
inside my veins I feel the flood
My organs are drowning in blackened pus
yet I feel normal under your touch.
Doctor doctor look at me
tell me exactly what you see
Am I dead? Do I feel?
Am I plastic or am I real?
Can my life be center stage
With one request- that you're my sage?
Feel me feel me tell me how
I do not understand the spotted cow
I cannot see in subtle shapes
in my mind I fear escape.
Doctor doctor let me in
tell me not of my sin
let me hide behind your tools
grievance and lust are for fools.
Play it safe, let me live
operate.....to you I give
my heart my soul
my mind control.
In surgery I must confess
never before have I cared less
with you here I may die
and still I would not cry.
Doctor doctor bury my in bliss
close my eyes with your fatal kiss.
10-17-1999
******************************
To my distraction
of ordinary life:
you cut my freedom
with your rusty knife
of tortured
knowledge and
weakened knees
and still I beg
for your disease.
10-17-1999
**************************
Knock knock
grannys at the door
she's come to pay the scarlet whore
she carries her pride in her purse
and she carries you to your hearse
whisper whisper
what do you hear
eternal emotional lack of fear
pray for me
pray for you
pray for all at once
granny has a gun in hand
you better go repent
rain rain
in my brain
telling me that I'm insane
tic toc tic toc
ticking once again
the whore has hidden inside your skin
mother father sister brother
carry me away
grannys' little feather boa has lost its way
and Time is counting
one two three four
again she's knocking at the door
smile and grin
say hello
then wave goodbye
and watch her go
and tell yourself
that you have won
then polish grannys' golden gun
inside the worm
there lives a man
inside the bean is a bean can
for every one there is a two
for every me there is a you
for ever fear you try to hide
granny will find her way inside
she'll be wearing a mask
a bright facade
you'll laugh to death
at the assumptions you made
and in your brain
you shall find
a link and tunnel
to my mind
I shall send granny to you
seeking knowledge
seeking truth
and my mind
shall clutch your soul
and I shall gain
total control.
10-17-1999
**************************
And the first apple fell hard.
And it hit me square in the head.
But then, the second apple was confused
and said
“Gravity”.
And for so long I had thought
it was Newton.
And maybe there is no one out there
like me.
Gravity pulls me closer
toward the center of my imagination.
Causing me to forego
an entire-familys-worth of biscuits.
And still she sings to me.
So beautifully.
My arm aching
from lifting the weight
of my confession
from my toes- Reminding me
that I am human.
Though oddly enough
I want not to be of this special variety
of homemade tea.
Sweet, that is.
And in my innocence I call to you.
Let me be.
One apple is enough
for me.
October 1999
**********************************
In Prisms
I see your face
plastered around me
you are here
beside me
in essence.
And should I fall,
would I be gathered in
by your gentle hands?
Or would I crash
fatally
into the cold
barren ground?
I focus in on you
I see past the flesh
and I know
you are there.
I dreamed of you
Once.
I begged for you-
and you came
Alive
in my world.
October 1999
************************
The whole thing I think is sick
when there is one,
in a world,
and the world
is a void
and the one
is an it
in a place
in a time
and the it
is a one
who loves that place
who, at the right time
is any it
all its
it is one
and the world
is a void
and the time
is now.
October 1999
*******************************
Your World
I float through your world
weightlessly
spinning around and around and
around again
It took me so long to find this place
and I am now locked in
I have broken down your atmosphere
desecrating your perfect air
in attempt to escape from here
But your walls do not fall down.
Your eyes are oceans of purest blue
I swim and swim and swim
in hopes of getting through
to you.
But your skies are painted dark
and your storm sucks me in
and now I'm drowning once more
sinking to your ocean floor
my body engulfed by your unforgivable sin.
Your lips part like the red sea
beckoning me
promising to fulfill my reveries
your voice is transparent
your message is clear
I crawl inside your crystalline tear
urging you to join me
as I slip down your cheek smoothly, calmly
hiding from my only fear.
Your aura attracts me
distracts me
makes me think that you are free-
just an orb of energy
to gather me in and suck me dry
so that you can watch the world float by
in your lonely, barren eternity.
10-25-1999
*****************************
You don't know how to play the Game
Can you hear the clock ticking
tic tocking
laughing and talking
whispering threats into my ears
a symbol
a mockery
a paradox of fear
I'm taking it
faking it
making it mine
It's not easy but its not a crime
I plead insanity
I'm going mad
I didn't think it'd get this bad
but here I go
the devil hoe
on the road to drop a load
the drug money is rolling in
like a rolling pin
rolling on my tin
you say knock knock I say come in
wipe your feet at the door
leave the drama outside
this is my world
my place to hide
puppets they are
hanging on a string
they dance and sing
for the money it bring
I'm cold and alone
tweaked and stoned
petrified that I'll blow
DUI
midnight sky
love to live
livin high
In the car
who you think you are
a movie star from Hollywood Boulevard?
Sista please
on your knees
grovel in the city streets
hands on the ground
get ya ass down
I ain't playin around
you hear that sound?
That's my refugee back in town
bam bam
shot in the head
stupid mother fucker
now who's dead
what was that you said?
Going crazy
Going sane
clock tick tocking
in my brain
nobody wants to take the blame
its a shame
you got the name
you got the fame
but you don't know how to play the game
so play hookie
hide under your bed
they'll put an extra bullet
in your head
begging me
telling me
crazy bastard don't fuck with me
siren siren
stop your cryin
this shit gotta stop before I be dyin
but still Im tryin
to make my way
dreams of a past life in L.A
The Cisco Bay
acid dreams every day
liquid reality
too real to be real
show me how to feel
trying to stay away
from the clear-cut deal
supposed I die
here in my sleep
do you think my dreams Id get to keep?
Locked inside
never really die
they can try and try
but this bitch don't lie
Stop your cryin
you're makin me sick
shoulda done away with ya
fuckin trick
and the gunpowders thick
but I ain't stickin around
to watch the fisherman drown
shoulda stayed in a small town
Going crazy
going sane
clock tick tocking
in my brain
nobody wants to take the blame
its a shame
you got the name
you got the fame
but you still don't know how to play the game.
10-26-1999
***************************
You come to me in a dream
and you speak
in whispers
of your love for me.
I embrace you
tenderly
and promise to love you.
It makes me so happy
to hold you
to kiss you
to know you are mine.
And then in a moment
I awake.
I suddenly feel alone
without you
beside me.
I tried to convince myself
that I do not care
that deeply
for you.
But now it is clear
that it is you
who holds my heart
in your hands-
be gentle.
For I have never
felt this way before-
and I may be
easily broken.
10-27-1999
**********************************
I watch everyone (zombies of this life)
as they mimic the routine
passed down from generation
to generation.
They seek only pleasure.
My pleasures are of another plane,
another dimension.
I seek other realities,
I seek to know It....
All.
And in their eyes
I am the Ignorant One.
Let them bleed into a black mass
of plastic souls.
Let them seep into the Earths floor
and contaminate that which is pure,
beautiful.
I will continue to watch
as my light grows brighter.
They are zombies.
November 1999
********************************
Its scary sometimes how the silence
seems to penetrate
you.
It breaks you open
until you cannot think sanely.
The darkness
saturating your skin
forcing your mind into submission.
The loneliness of Silence
the maddening gaze of nothingness
the intolerable mystery of the nothing;
all this can be emancipating.
It sometimes is comforting to know you are alone,
aloud to think
and ponder to yourself
about reality.
November 1999
*********************************
Why wont you smile
little girl?
When the world just silently stares
at
the creases of your face.
Why wont you speak
little angel
of all you've seen.
Why cant you understand
little one,
the reason I must leave.
November 1999
********************************
I fuck myself raw
and then I beg you
to fuck me and fuck me
and fuck me too
why the eternal mindfuck?
I am my own worst enemy.
November 1999
**********************************
...And all around she could feel the tingle of unspoken words
as they drifted in and out of her thoughts-
she was barely conscious
and could not trust her first instincts
though she knew they would lead her to truth
...and she cried and she prayed
and she begged for an opportunity
to discover life in her own way-
and for a moment
she thought she had been blessed
for hundreds of colorful butterflies
now swarmed around her body
neither in fear nor in trust.
...and she reached out and touched the wing of an ancient tale
a legend of its own accord
but she could not grasp the creature
and she was left
with only a fraction of the wisdom
contained in the beautiful great monarch...
November 1999
**********************************
A winding path of obstacles
obstructs my view of you
Challenges penetrate my brain
and force my mind to obliterate you.
Am I crazy or am I sane?
Or am I just another being,
another thoughtless brain?
My search for the Truth
is an escape from simplicity-
to achieve the knowledge of the mystics
would finally free me.
I live in a liquid reality
the chemicals dance and twist
and contort my normality.
November 1999
********************************
For Gransmacks
She asks me where my bag is
my bag of tricks
she wants a piece of ecstasy
she's dreamed of heavenly bliss
she don't know where it comes from
only where it goes
but ignorance is better sometimes
keep hidden what most don't know
But even now she's feigning
her Paxil don't do the trick
shes given me all she has
and now she wants her kicks
so I say- toke it up granny
smoke it all down the drain
explore those unknown places
the chambers of your brain
smoke it down granny
feel that eternal rush
breath it down your windpipe
and see the orange crush
you never thought you'd see
the way Ive explained it could be
and now here you are
you've wandered far
only to realize you've been here all along
but only kindness to you
and only peace and rest
smoke it up and don't forget
that bliss is always best.
11-1999
****************************
Suddenly everything is so much
more beautiful
so much clearer
everything now is so obvious
strawberries are sweeter
and the autumn breeze more crisp.
The sky is enchanting
when you know
what it is all about.
Myself
is more beautiful
more free
more tolerant
of
Everything
and Everyone.
Let go of your judgment
and you can see, too
that
Life
is Beautiful.
But only if you
understand it.
11-7-1999
****************************
November 18
This day has come so many times before.
And each time it is no more or less important.
But for some reason, I now understand it,
for, it doesn't exist.
Why should I measure my existence by their laws-
by their physical ruler?
My life need not be mapped out by some
ignorant, unaware society.
(and today is no different)
I do not celebrate the day I came into the physical.
For I would much rather have remained in
the mysterious unknown,
where I would not be a freak for understanding
the difference
between reality and dream,
for there is none.
And today is no different than any other.
11-18-99
****************************
Jacob
He said he'd grab the moon-
take it from the sky
and put it in his pocket
for me.
He said he would hold it
till I see him again.
I'm sure he still has it.
He runs to me to be safe
from the dinosaurs,
he says they are coming.
And I know that they are,
for he can see everything.
I hold him in my arms
and hug him till he becomes
a part of me.
He says he is my good boy.
I agree.
He tells me all the things
no one else
could think to say.
And now that the moon
is in his pocket
he will shine on forever
inside my heart.
11-26-1999
******************************
I'm waiting for the captain
and his little brown satchel
to take me by the hand
lead me to the other land
Hes got a bag of treats
to share with me
hes gonna set me free.
December 1999
****************************
Paper or Plastic
My head feels as if it is stone
the coldness of the night
seeps through my bones
I am still recovering from the cyclone
the Universal Telephone
Dial it up
choke on your words
stampede with the rest of the herd
Congressman
Henchmen
working for the pension
desperate for attention
arresting individuality
and punishing with prevention
Working the mainstream
flow like honey in a daydream
things you never seen
pop culture dancing with the green
enough greed makes a man mean
plastic souls in a plastic world
plastic little puppets
less real than the Muppets
hear them squeal
see them steal
do they believe they are real?
Synthetic society
living for the price of prosperity
nothing seems right to me
must be some way to break free
paper or plastic?
Access denied
live in this world or live in your mind
they mold your souls
and pull your strings
on key you sing
in the choir
in the herd
don't understand the meaning of the Word
They don't understand and wont believe you
only deceive you
while they follow through
this hollow void
they call life
more dull than a butter knife
at least the knife has got a grip
accepts the quirks and the quips
understand me this
you better break free
you are so far from reality
and even reality isn't reality
for reality is what we cannot see
what we cannot be
just an illusion
a contusion
an image in your head
see with your mind
not with your eyes
believe not the truth
but make true the lies
take off the disguise
sing with the magpies
eat your cake and drink your brew
forget not what the people make you
Paper or plastic?
You can choose
the world soon shall diffuse
and you will lose
plastic melts
and plastic dies
but paper returns to the skies
to the soil
to the earth
it will be free from profit and mirth
you are choking on plastic
cant you see?
You sell your soul just to believe
that you are real
that you are tough
and still the plastic is not enough
to make you happy
to make you see
Break the mold
only then are you free
Paper or plastic
reality is drastic
don't be their consumer
don't be their bastard
only you can open your eyes
to see your world as just a lie
and glory in the new-found light
for only then have you gained sight
live in the illusion
but know that it is disIllusion
and break away from the Synthetic Fusion.
12-9-1999
******************************
BlissNinja 