Poetry from 2000
All poems copyright Charleen Johnston
Porcelain Anjal
You are my one constant happiness.
To see you smile and to hear your laughter
is to know innocence.
I never imagined I could feel such love
and adoration for someone of this world.
You hold my heart in the delicate beauty
of your existence.
You mean so much more than the world
to me
for the world was meant to be seen in the flesh
and you are so much more than a physical being.
Your essence draws me to cherish you,
for you are my one constant happiness.
With your birth came my enlightenment.
I had never known love before
you touched my soul
with your frail innocence and delicate smile.
Your beauty flows through me
cascading waterfalls over my soul.
I am flooded with life as I watch you bloom.
You are so free. You are perfection
where perfection does not exist.
You are the sun casting an undying light
upon my tragically empty heart.
I will always watch over you,
as I always feel your essence around me-
surrounding my physical being
with a subconscious happiness.
January 2000
**********************************
At times I feel the hard, cold steel walls
that surround me
crack, and
begin to fall
I cannot think- my mind
has been interrupted
my thoughts are not
sane
It is like ivy climbing
the walls of my soul
choking me
until I am conscious.
Then I begin to see
and am emancipated.
At least, I think so.
but then I realize
it was a false alarm.
1-9-2000
******************************************
Inside this crystalline tear
I find my love grows clearer
and clearer.
Roses in the bright light
of the eternal sun
whispering a promise of life begun.
In this day, this blue
fraction of eternity,
I find a desire to sit and dream.
I am prompted by the crisp
sweet air that only could be found here-
in this paradise for the mind.
And all the while
my bright smile learns to stretch
beyond its bounds.
It is all possible here.
Rastaman says
'Have no fear-
you can look into a mans eyes-
beyond that their soul resides'.
Cramped into limited space...
but the contents of the subconscious
shows upon the face'
Again,
I smile.
February 2000
Jamaica
********************************
Reality ~ Satori
Silence can be broken
into small worlds-
each of which belong
to the
One.
And sometimes Silence
is the only means
to the
End.
I watch all the motions
of all the beings
of this world
and I understand
that it is the
Way.
And though our senses
tell us it is real,
I know that
Life
as we know it
is an Illusion!
Fact is nothing without fiction.
Harmony is absent without Chaos.
I am nothing
except a manifestation
of my subconscious mind.
If you take away Space
we are one Being.
Take away Time and
we are one Moment.
Therefore,
we are all
One.
February 2000
Jamaica
***************************************
Taken out of context
I must seem a little strange
some people say I'm fucked up
crazy
a little deranged
but they are not sane
They are still crying
trying to dry the rain
and the pain
and I just walk by silently
though hysterically laughing
they just snicker back at me
thinking I am just a freak
a waste of flesh
the insanely obsessed
and I fidget a little
stuck in the middle
cant play the violin
but I can play the fiddle
Ive solved the riddle
its sinking in
like christian sin
burning my flesh from within
Karma like the cosmos
pimps and hoes
jocks and pricks
and ordinary Joe Blows
pumped up on some nicotine
adrenaline
straight mescalin to the brain
sniffing lines of clump cocaine
drive a person mad
still trying to forget what I had
or never had
my past lives weren't so bad
But all that I had
is all that I lost
and life has no cost
until you die
and the price you pay
is always too high
But still the stars smile down
from the skies
the same old stars
the same old sky
the same old bridge
between you and I
and I may cross- attempt to try
try to attempt to try to die
without fear
with open eyes
and then I awake
in reality
reality which isn't really there
awake and open
clued in and aware
Rasta man says 'watch the eyes'
cradled in your heart lies
a vast ocean of emptiness
eternally mysterious
eternal bliss
only, you cant understand this
your ears are clogged
your eyes are fogged
your mouth is numb
and you cannot talk
Life is an illusion
and illusions are fun
but you run
you can't own peace
when you own the gun
I laugh now, while you cower in fear
at least have fun here
it isn't so real
and I am just an Ideal.
February 2000
Jamaica
*************************
The dark and the light
the good and the bad
the up and the down
the living and the dead
the duality of human nature
It is all a part of the great Tao
You cannot have One
without the Other
To condemn one thing
is to condemn all things
For one thing cannot exist
on its own
Everything is a part
of the sphere of existence
Everything is energy
mass ceases to exist
without space
and space doesn't exist
without matter
Nothing is solid
but is an array
of ever-moving particles
which make up an atmosphere
of Life
The marriage of good and evil
the interactivity of positive and negative
is an acceptance of life
for what it is
a world of symbolism
and illusion
grasp the light
realize reality
and be happy.
February 2000
*******************************
Personal Nothingness
When I sit here
In this chair of wood
I think of all the things
I am capable of thinking.
In that vast ocean of
knowledge,
which resides in my brain
(as far as science is concerned),
wanders my lost self.
Sometimes I wonder what,
if anything,
could be wrong with me-
that I cannot find
that Self
which I once knew so well.
Maybe the Self
is the one thing I
need to lose-
in order to grasp
the knowledge
which
constantly
begs me for
companionship.
February 2000
Jamaica
************************************
Uncomfortable Silence
I sit silently,
watching all the people
inhale their food
without a thought (except
the occasional whimsical
notion, which they try
to hide beneath their
extra serving of rice).
I stop fidgeting,
stop worrying about
being uncomfortable,
and I notice the
cockroaches mingling
half-heartedly (I
think they notice
the infestation of
people here, as I do).
They see me staring
at them and begin to
whisper and I know
it is about me.
All the people are
pretending they are real.
Ha. I smile perversely,
almost, as I watch
them (the people)
dance in their insanity.
I think they are
now using that Instant
DNA technique
invented by the doctors
(who were taking a chance
in ethics-trying to
play God)
and I think Baby K
is feigning for her
daily dose of Ritalin.
Then suddenly I am
pulled from my thoughts-
I think nanny heard
me drowning and threw
in one of aunt G's
silicone implants.
Now I'm safe. In the
comfort of the bosom.
But now my mind
is fixed on the idea of
a strange troll-like man
ironing clothes
at my side. How Ironic.
Just when I was
trying to get my life
straight! What luck!
I am sure that down
on wall street they
are still climbing-
but they'll never
reach the top. And I
know that Lord Krisna
would not approve. But
then, he's in the back room
with Jesus.
They are discussing
who will be the antichrist.
Jesus told me once
that I was a nice girl-
I couldn't agree-
but then he told
me that he was
a drag queen
and that got my
attention quick!
So was he a feminist?
Lord Krisna, Im sure,
is smiling and silent.
And then I realize
I am still sitting in
Uncomfortable Silence.
February 2000
Jamaica
************************
Sin
Sin. Sin. Why cant I be like you?
Why cant I deny the truth?
Why cant I be just like you?
Sin. Sin. Again and again.
And again and again.
Out of sight- out of mind?
The urge to live- or the will to die?
Parade me around your town.
Show me off to all your friends.
Take my money, my pride, and my sin.
If you want the karma- use the Klan.
Only then can you organize a plan-
your communion.
Ten year reunion.
An astrological confusion.
A manifestation of cosmic union.
Sin. Sin. So freely there.
So exaggerated- so despaired.
A life unlived. Beware. Sit and stare.
Understand: Sin is to life as life is to man.
Its a dream. Wake me.
Break me. Take me in,
shield me from your mask of sin.
Open my heart and climb on in.
Take off your shoes
and don't forget to shut the door.
Shut me out?
Sin is here.
Blackout. Backdraft.
Last man standing on the life-boat raft.
Day of wrath.
Judgment upheld.
Life is on trial, you've been expelled.
Repelled. Like Raid;
Your antics are romantic but way over played.
And I am dismayed.
Sin is a part of the game-
and still I am saved??
2-08-2000
****************************
Do you know whats inside
Do you know whats inside of me?
Look into my eyes and tell me what you see.
Can you see my soul....is it pretty?
It it like yours....or is it free?
Can you feel my heart, one beat at a time?
It is pumping, pumping, pumping-
in a metered rhyme.
I ask you what you can tell of me
just by my face-
Do you see peace? Love ? Harmony?
Or do you see disgrace?
Are you sure you are looking into me,
past me, under me, and through me?
Or are you looking at yourself
but judging me?
The answer isn't easy- and rarely does it show
until you've seen the truth- until you really know.
Do you know whats inside of me?
Do you see the same thing-
the freak that the rest of the world sees?
Or can you look past that, past the adornment.
Can you learn to love me-
or will you always scorn me?
Think about that just for a moment.
Is it really me that you are looking at?
Or am I a mirror, a reflection of you?
Can you feel the same blood running through?
The same life that flows in me, flows in you.
Only, in my eyes there is a glow
a truthful radiance that everyone should know
and in my heart there reigns the One
and I Surrender, yet I have won.
Do you see whats inside of me?
Or will your blindness forever be?
2-21-2000
**************************************
My freedom, My Dream
Take my hand little girl
follow me inside
come into my little world
where in the dark you'll find
the light only shines
from your inner eye
if you can't see now
there's no way out
Look at me, little girl, I'm free
step inside my dream, now
forget what you've heard
and forget what you've seen
and become one with the energy
wake from sleep little girl
open up your eyes
do you see me standing here
praying for your sight?
The light only shines
from your inner eye
if you can't see now
there's no way out
Look at me, little girl, I'm free
step inside my dream, now
forget what you've learned
and forget what you've been
and become one with your energy
Break their chains little girl
how much can you take
understand your heart and mind
the truth is your escape
the light only shines
from your inner eye
if you cant see now
there's no way out.
Look at me, little girl, and see
you're your own dream, now
I've opened your eyes
and I've show you the light
and now little girl you're free
2-21-2000
***********************************
Am I only as good as they label me?
What is my worth when I am free?
They insert their tools into my brain
searching for answers
they are caught in the game.
They don't understand pleasure and pain
but they are quick to say 'she's insane'...
and I am not afraid to die
that's one more dream to wake up from
that's one more blink of the inner eye.
So what is my worth when I am free?
Am I only as good as they label me?
2-23-2000
******************************************
I stand Alone
I stand alone
flesh to bone
trying to break
my heart of stone
and then I smile
is it real?
Do I feel?
It'll take some time
but I will deal.
I need a partner
I need a friend
someone to love
till the end
someone to touch
someone to hold
till I am old
and freezing cold
without a body
just a soul.
I need some warmth
I need some love
I need a message
from above
from the white dove
I need some hands
to hold me tight
I need a lover
in the night
all these things
I need
I crave
I'd be a slave
to love
if I could find a soul to hold
to caress
to escape into bliss
what is ecstasy?
Is it free?
Is it inside of me?
Is it real?
Is it fake?
Will my heart break
into pieces of stone
if I remain alone?
I'm searching for someone
who will understand
that I may be crazy
and still hold my hand
someone who knows
that I am not sane
and still they'll join me in the game
dancing in the rain
cold but warm
a love that is born
of pure bliss
two souls that kiss
merging for eternity
two lovers dancing with insanity.
2-23-2000
*******************************
Dehydrated I stand
liberated from man
keeping away from the five year plan
If I succeed
eternal good deeds
no more pain
no blood to bleed
I am freed
craving nothing
elegance a waste
can you see the light upon my face?
Feel my grace?
Within me the fire burns
my stomach churns
we are all a cycle
taking turns
and when we die
we are still alive
inside our minds
feeding upon the infinite lie
of reality
its an illusion
can't you see
no darkness
no light
no mortality
only One can give
knows the way
how to live
for It is life
It is death
it is coke and crystal meth
its is rock and it is soil
it is water brought to boil
it is all things
it is inside of me
it is inside of you
we are all
all is each
this they teach
is divine
everything else is a waste of Time.
3-2000
***********************************
So when does it happen
I'm cursing
and I'm smiling
and I'm begging to see the dream
and what it means
I'm fighting for control
for assistance in filling the hole.
You exasperate me
bring me pain
force me to go deeper inside my brain.
Now I am insane.
And its not all bad.
Solitude in the corners
with all the peace I have.
A little smile to flaunt my disguise.
Can you tell a liar
by the vagueness in his eyes?
Or lies?
Metamorphosis; change me now
rest your head upon my brow
Its over now.
And still I'm here
and hostile
for all the fear in my head
is turning my blood red
and I fear I am never to be dead
she said
as she opened her eyes to see the light-
it blinded her eyes
and she was now trapped inside
her mind-
the fortress of time....
and its mine.
March 2000
********************************
Heavenly blue...heavenly blue...heavenly blue...
ah. Morning Glory-
you've come. Have a seat inside my home.
My temple.
Ive waited for you.
It really is a treat, to see you here.
Ive wandered long and I've traveled far,
only to find my way back here
to my temple;
and then I come
to realize
I never really went anywhere.
How silly is that?
Morning Glory-
my Waker.
My, has it really been that long?
6,000,000 years?
(I must be getting old-
my memory isn't what it used to be)
Heavenly blue...Morning Glory.
Particle by particle
I watch you slip away.
I was like you
once.
Huh.
I was you once.
Full of dreams.
And here I am.
You again.
But oddly enough, it doesn't look
like you.
Or me, for that Matter...
am I slipping
down
that
infernal
hole
once more?
Am I really out there looking down
upon all this
stupid bullshit
thinking “what the fuck
am I doing down there
wondering about bullshit
like this?”
3-2000
***************************************
Jezebel
paint yourself, a picture
leave nothing uncolored-
a mask, a picture of hell.
“Rid yourself”- they shriek
“the demon must fall”
around my body they swarm
casting their hatred
like stones
to bury me.
I am Jezebel.
I am your sin.
I am the demons within.
Caress my solitude
with those soft, delicate hands-
father time?
Mother earth?
Holy ghost?
…haunting the world
and its hells
I beckon you
master divine
to let your lips meet mine.
I'll swallow you in lustful kiss
and wrap you in sinful bliss.
You cowards,
afraid to create your own heaven-
but willing to cast me into
your hell....
How cruel my fate-
to be Jezebel.
March 2000
*************************************
Journey to the center
of the earth.
Past the crusty shell
to the core,
where the heat
is intense
because it is pure-
and it is nothing-
nothing more
than our heart.
March 2000
********************************
Life is a game
of Jeopardy
We already have
All the Answers
and still we cant stop
asking questions
march 2000
******************************
I'm insane i'm insane i'm insane i'm insane
close your eyes and what do you see?
Your pathetic life......demons of me?
You're choking on plastic, synthetic reality-
you fit your own mold-
the plastic
sticks to your bones.
3-2000
******************************
I lose myself
in myself
sometimes.
I stare into my mind-
searching for the light
that I know is
there.
I can feel it
sometimes.
I want to be it.
And so I lose myself
once again.
One day, I will
not return
to the outward existence
of
Me.
3-2000
**************************************
And that's the way it is.
Maitreya my lost daughter
where have you gone?
I know you are near-
somewhere close by.
And he awaits behind you
waiting to return
to me.
I can feel him caressing
my thoughts
and
playing music with my heart.
When I breathe,
he breathes.
When I dream,
he dreams.
Our past life was short
but we knew
we'd get to be together
again.
And he calls to me
now
after all this time...
and I am ready for him,
as I am ready for you.
Maitreya.
My lost daughter.
Your red hair flowing,
cascading
and those green eyes glowing.
I love you.
March 2000
********************************
The Sun: a metaphor of the Ego on the run
Go away bright sun! Go so that I might see
leave my soul to wander free
since my birth here in this strange land
you've come to blind me of who I am
The stars all cry to be seen
they yearn to reach me, to become part of me
but you! You blasphemous fool!
You shield me
you blind me from the truth.
Only at night when you fall asleep
do I come alive and start to see.
It was there all along
I was here all along!
And there is nowhere else to go but here.
Because here is there and I am all
and all is in me.
Do not rise again, bright sun
you false god!
You give your light and ask for praise!
You hide the truth beneath your fierce gaze!
All your sisters are able to be seen
beneath the skies and in-betweens
where only the meek and humble scream
from my soul, to my soul, for my soul.
Go! Stay away, sun!
You have falsified me from the beginning.
You have made me so distant
from my Mother
my sisters and brothers;
you have separated me from myself.
My All-Self!
All because you want to be unique.
March 2000
**********************************
The voices captivate me
elevate me
even try to concentrate me
but they cant endure
this mind is pure
eternal door
of the nothing-more.
My third eye is on fire
opening higher and higher
til even my mind is the liar
and now I don't know
who to believe
I smile though
while I know I'm being deceived.
They try to talk to me
try to preach to me
thinking they make sense to me
but their mind is on the green
making me sick-
bitches be caught in between
the here and the there
cant they see the here Is there
it doesn't matter where.
They run from life
they run from death
what else is left?
Some in-between
a placenta sunbeam
orange Sherbert ice cream
for the healthy daydream?
a prism of nothings
and somethings
that don't mean a thing?
except the words that define them
contain them
like an ass caught in denim
blue jeans to split your seams
Its all a three-ring
circus full of shiny things
to make the eyes gleam
make the bitches squeam
feign
sell their souls for the American Dream
dripping like ice-cream
from the high beam
of the American side street.
Freak show
come and go
can't say no
they get disgusted but they still go
cause they're afraid to see
what their own lives mean
chasing the green
they do a double-take when they see me
they're afraid to Be
what they want to Be
and they wont admit
hey don't like what they see
when they open the screen
to the in-between.
3-2000
****************************************
Me you he she them we it
all one together eternal infinite
never-ending energy synergy
god messiah Krishna Buddha
Jesus Christ Satan angel
devil Allah Muhammed
light truth saviour grace
divine swami yogi Brahma
lamas monks priest robes
ministers preachers nuns sins
karma dharma soul Atman
Jehova Jah we them us
we are all one and the same
and all are infinite
and all are eternal
Only the hypocrites
and bigot and idiots
and insecure religious
fanatics refuse to see
that they are part of the
one energy.
We are all
connectedandinfiniteandwearealloneandweareall......
we are just a different aspect of the same
situation.
march 2000
*********************************
This is my song
of Truth Divine
I've sang this chorus
since the birth of time
the earth is my melody
the skies my eternal chords
each person in this song
is a note or a word
to complement the sounds
of existence
and persistence
and this I sing
with eternal spring
and fall and summer and winter
from crust to center
from hollow to filled
this is the song of my Will.
I am all, and all am I.
Within your thoughts
my shadow lies
Within your words my smile fades
as though silent upon the glades
and when the song ceases to play
so ends another day
and the melody grows distant
the notes grow weak
the words have lost meaning
and my eyes no longer speak.
This is my song
of Truth Divine.
I will sing this chorus
till the death of Time.
March 2000
**************************************
Tongue in cheek again
grinding my teeth again
trying to remember when
but nothing shows
till my feet blister once again
from stepping upon your Christian Sin
going where no one else can go
no one else but you
who?
Why do I still try to get through?
My enemies are dead again
my fists pounding my head again
looking for my mind again
it's run away to you.
Maybe I'm the one who lies
maybe time really flies
maybe its not all in the mind
can I leave this land behind
and return to you?
Until the mountain does the dew?
And the windows open to me
to my lack of sanity
exposed to humanity
unlike the water that Ive seen
where my reflection seems to gleam
like a steady stream of broken dreams
false gods
plastic souls and golden rules
bent to fit my needs
til the fuckers bleed.
My veins are swollen with filthy greed
I've been infected with lifes' disease
now I scream
silently
tongue in cheek
eyes closed so my soul don't show
trying to awaken from your fatal blow
but I still don't know
why?
Why be born just to die?
There's something more
a hidden Door
I'm sure
but where is it?
What is it?
Why can't I pass through it?
Because I am You
and you are It
and I will always be on the other side
no matter which side I stand
until we all are one again
until the day the Sun shines in.
March 2000
****************************
A shadow of me-
he follows behind.
Caught in the trap
with the rest of mankind.
Wanting so badly
to understand;
wanting to believe
all he is told.
But because he is
a shadow of me,
he seeks more.
And I hurt to see him
alone
and confused.
Because he is a part of me.
3-11-2000
*****************************************
I've killed mySelf
Over and over again
I've seen heaven and I've seen hell
I've seen a thousand angry sins
Laughing at me
I've watched myself in the mirror
The universal Seer
Reflecting upon me
I've watched disgusted
I've run away, afraid
Then I see it's just a World
A World that I have made
And I've seen heavens
And I've seen hells
I've seen things few bare to tell
I know that I am dead
Or never was alive
A holographic heartbeat
Played out in my Mind
And your Mind
Ive killed mySelf
Once more
Sacrificed pleasure and pain
For immortality
I've died a thousand deaths
Since the beginning of Time
I've sang a million songs
Of countless names and rhymes
I've flown the skies of heaven
I've walked the fires of hell
I've seen that they are one
Inside this Prism Cell.
3-21-2000
***************************************
Mother do you want to hold me
Mother do you want to hold me
mother do you want to hold me
mother do you want to watch me
watch me as I grow old
grow cold
do you want to hold my hand again
lead me back to land again
hold me and never let me go?
Mother do you want to kiss me
mother do you want to kiss me
mother do you want to feel me
feel me as I fall apart
fall apart
do you want to put me together again
fix my pieces and tighten my tether again
hold me and never let me go?
Mother do you want to hear me
mother do you want to hear me
mother do you want to listen
listen as I cry these tears
do you want to know my fears?
Mother do you want to find me
mother do you want to find me
find me alone
with no heat in my soul
just an emptiness where you let go?
Mother do you want to hold me
mother do you want to hold me
mother do you want to know me
know me once more
know me like you did before?
Mother, do you want to hold me?
3-21-2000
************************************
How far can one go in getting found?
How many times will the bells
resound?
I am in the middle of
Crisis
of Mind
and still I cant find
a way out.
I'm sinking in
deeper
until nothing but smoke is left.
3-25-2000
********************************************
…I am cleansed...purged of that immortal sin
called existence.
Ha! Maybe.
Beneath my feet I build a temple.
A hiding place when she marches through.
I crawl through the dermis layers of earth
its skin folding over me
again and again
as I make my way to the core.
The illusion lures me into a vortex of Time
and Space.
I've even forgotten how to Remember...
My fingers have clawed through the rotten dead
buried deep
in the earth.
I have invaded their dreams and leapt upon their
purgatory-
their wagon of waste
on a straight road to the pits of their being.
They are digesting themselves
like men trying to detach from their shadows.
I can almost see the center,
the core.
The lighted path seems to be in no hurry
as it pulls me along.
I am walking into myself.
Getting closer and closer.
Ah! the Core
is but a clear, endless sea
reflecting my image!
Ive been wandering forever
traveling far,
just to find myself merging into myself-
in that sea of consciousness.
And I am cleansed......
but do I still exist???
3-25-2000
******************************************
A million flat pieces of perfectly stable ground
billions of brilliant colors following the sound
woven into the masterpiece time and time before
still the web continues to ebb through the eternal door
partially hidden and suddenly full and not quite clear
but in my head I see the bed that even death has feared
And I lay myself down and go to sleep in peace
allowing a moment of silence before I release
spiraling ecstasies and a vortex of bliss
hissing at my solitude and begging for my kiss
I caress the bleeding beauties as they seep into my skin
answering to the Master that I have now allowed in
The flames are fluid and reality is small
the fear of death is greater than the fall
And through it all we find heavens game
pleasure after pleasure with nothing to gain
except a pocket full of bullshit and lint
regrets and sorrow for all the time you spent
My eyes still open My mind still there
I follow the path that leads to where
inside my mind Ive planted the seed
allowing the dancing beauties their soul to bleed
Cultivate a garden of love and open up your eyes
and look before you cross the road-
because the chicken always dies.
3-28-2000
*******************************************
Whatcha gonna do when they come rushing in
when they come rushing in
trying to imprison you
capture you with their claws
suck you in to their half-wit laws
where can you hide when they know your name
when they know your name
and they're looking around
to bring you down
take away your freedom again
They've come equipped with felt tips
erasers and a Paper Clip
They've got your name on a list
and they're counting down
gonna track you down
and obliterate you-
you'll cease to exist.
Whatcha gonna say when they erase you
when they erase you
take you away
away from the world
How you gonna live if you don't exist-
when they've taken your name off the list.
3-28-2000
************************************
Look at me. I'm walking away again.
I'm trying to die again.
I've lost a lust for reality.
Again.
You've got me on your leash.
You've dragged me in the dirt
and left me in the rain.
Now I'm not so sure
if I'm even sane.
What does it mean
when you're laughing in your brain-
running from the Masters
who force you in the Game?
Isn't it real, to me?
Cant I see.
Cant I be
what I dream so easily?
Free and awake
and learning to take
my time
before it takes me.
Because what if its not so real.
What if I've already eaten the orange
before I've gotten it peeled?
Look at me.
I'm asking for an answer
or at least an explanation
or a place to die.
Die to myself-
forget my memory card and start again.
It never ends.
3-28-2000
*********************************
Laughing
and crying
and wishing
and praying
why cant I be her again
I'm drowning in this world again
and it makes me sick.
Laughing
and crying
and talking
and lying
about the things I never did
and all the things I really miss
and if I die before I die
let me remember this.
Laughing
and choking
and dying
to myself again
waiting
and watching
and praying
for something to set me free again.
A stage to play the world again.
And it makes me sick.
Laughing
and crying
and smiling
and prying
wont you open up again.
3-28-2000
********************************
That little girl over there is staring
awkwardly
and without a trace of awareness
on her innocent face.
She's playing with the moon
and the stars
in her world.
She has announced to her heart
that there is nothing else.
She is content to be alone
as long as she is free.
Free to dance in her insanity.
Sometimes I wish I were that free.
Again.
And I turn the page.
There she is again.
Mesmerized by the reflection
in her own blue eyes.
Staring in deep silence
at her own cloudless skies.
And I see that shadow
hiding behind her smile
it was just a little while
ago
that I could feel that perfection.
And where am I now?
I look at the picture
of the little girl in the front
she is backwards in her mind
but at least she's found the reflection
few others
ever find.
3-28-2000
************************************
Upstairs
where the light stays on
there's a picture plastered-
pasted to the
Sun.
Bright ewes
Bright I~s
glistening like the
placenta sunrise
trapped in thisguys
mind.
Blew the clouds
Read the whines
few the prouds'
humble lines.
Upstairs
where the light stays on
there's a fixture
a plastic mixture
plastered to the
Son.
April 2000
**************************************
Father, where have I been?
I've been circling this moment time and again.
All that I see is vague and unclear
I am astounded by the things I hear.
This way or that- which way is which?
I am revolving around this human glitch.
I call it ignorance, darkness of mind
A world of things, governed by time.
April 2000
**************************************
Talk nothing of the sun
for it shines always
under the blanket of darkness
peering out at the world.
I want to become the Nothingness.
I want to become the Void.
I want to infiltrate the Sun
and become it.
Through the light is the void,
and the void is pure.
Talk nothing of the world
for it knows only you.
The daughter sleeps
and awakens
day after day
night after night
longing for her father.
She has gotten lost
and even the sunlight
is not enough
to bring her back.
Talk nothing of the darkness.
For it shall be no more.
April 2000
**************************************
Ive grown my wings
Ive busted away my cocoon
Ive stamped it into the dirt.
Only memory remains
of those mentally binding pains.
I'm free now.
I flutter aimlessly, above even
myself.
Ive taken to the sky- learned to fly.
It's beautiful.
With every breath I become more of you-
I become more integral in the chain.
Death matters not.
My wings are here- and I am
free of that existence.
The light magnified a thousand
times-
no gravity to hold me down.
I float toward the limitless universe-
bound by nothing.
I am attracted to the light-
I don't know exactly why-
but I cannot leave it.
I fly, closer and closer
to that big ball of light
that orb of energy
I call Home.
I've grown my wings.
I've flown away.
I'm coming home.
April 2000
******************************
Just like a Joker praying to his Sin
Waiting for the drum-roll again
like a king marching in
taking time off from his temporary sin
dancing in the moonshine
eyes meet mine
strike up the rhythm and get in line
even the roaches rock the rhyme
like the robins
chirpin in the trees
singing of lifes disease
humanity's fleas
got even my Mama on her knees
begging just for a glimpse of reality
choking on the fallacy
I can't place the blame
sweating like a madman working in his brain
playing chicken with the state train
still dancing with the tramps in the rain
my ears vibrate
ring with pain
as my thoughts migrate
stagnate
even over-populate
Ive got to cleanse myself
purge myself
learn to live without begging for help
listen to ya
whining like a hoe
choking on the shit you forgot to know
chose not to show
puffing on a nugget with no place to go
so
what does it matter if I already know
does it make a bit of sense
to break my flow?
Till I'm convinced
that even my judge needs defense
sniffing lines of sugarcane
straight glitch to the junkie brain
even ignorance leaves a stain
dancing with insanity on the tip of the plane
fighting for reality
in an endless game
forgot to see the casualties
buried without a name
waiting for the drum-roll again
just like a Joker praying to his sin.
April 2000
**********************************
I dream
of walking among Indian Mystics
and Tribal Saints
in dim moonlit wilderness,
feeling only my oneness
with eternity.
To walk over the rolling hills
and plains
on into the dark forests
where the secret lies waiting
to be discovered.
I dream
of a man so deeply connected
that I can look in his eyes
and see myself
as all things
and him
connected and interwoven
in this fabric of life.
The light
gleaming from his face
like the radiant reflection
of the sun
on an endless lake.
I dream
of wasting away in his arms
under the stars
telling him every crazy or silly thought
that pesters my thinking.
He would just laugh
and add his own stories
as we inhale
the fruit of the gods
and lay among the trees and flowers
and dance silently
in each others hearts
while the rest of the world
hurries along
with their somehow meaningless
lives.
I dream
of my children
beautiful and pure
and radiating such love and sweetness
that I giggle
when I am near them
their innocent minds untouched
by societys cruel hands.
Open only to the Truth
and Nature
and God
and Love.
I dream
of many things
and in all my dreams
I am one and the same-
just another glimpse
of the All.
And are my dreams any less real
than me writing this now?
Or are they more real?
April 2000
***********************************
My being suddenly splits
I speak in fragments
and think in bits
one sister takes the stage
all the worlds her play
she's gone behind
the walls of time
and she now seems ok.
Whats it cost to be free
when all you've known is
normality?
The other sister
sits alone and undisturbed
she keeps her distance-
she's been there and
she's learned.
Unaware, I sit alone
pondering the game
once again the time has come
for me to go away
deep inside myself
the halls of inner lore
begging me to open the door.
The walls breathe
hurriedly
as if they are afraid of me
and my being splits.
I'm separate, and sore
and here I am now
opening the door.
April 2000
************************************
My children
I am coming for you
I will bring you home
I have been bleeding
without your presence
to mend my heart
april 2000
**********************************
Cluttered ThingKing
constant chatter
growing matter
can't stop the reign
pitter patter
up the latter
aiming for the pane
chuckle, child, chuckle
chortle with the wind
fear the knuckle, fear the buckle
but never fear to bend
stuck in the muck
of the Much
clasping the leg of the crutch
smelling of (s)laughter and such
buried in Things
clipped of Wings
sipping drinks of punch
wake the pain
and kill the Cain
who's deprived of touch
winking blinking
cluttered thingKing
staring at the mess
tangled vines
stuck in minds
exploding in distress
Ok hears the word
Absurd
observe the swerving curve
deserving the Nerve
to fear the Burden
the bush
feel the push
fill the pool
to the top
to stop the fool
with the mop
before the Bird
has chirped it(s)word
and clamored
to the top.
April 2000
*********************************
Of course I know you love me
dear...
that is why I came to you
you know how long its been-
since that contagious smile
has graced my perception
and stunned my consciousness.
Am I yet awake?
Or am I deep inside....
amidst the deities
and figments of my mind?
Am I lost or am I found?
Wake me
and tell me of your love
Have I waited too long
to know of
this?
April 2000
********************************
If you look hard enough
you can see everything
in everything.
Every shape yields a thousand more
if you squint just right.
Transfigurations of Time and Space.
The sounds you focus on are clear.
But when you hear all at once,
voices turn into pitches-
and soon all you hear is one loud
c o n t i n u o u s Hum.
Like that of silence penetrating your mind.
And if you stare too long
at a reflection
you become lost inside it
as if it were substance; real.
Do it long enough and you become
good at living backwards and upside down...
the view is so much more interesting
because the Old becomes New again.
And if you get good enough-
the shapes and sounds
merge into one spectacle
and when your eyes open fully, you will
See
that life is just one big mass
of Space- oxymoron? Of course.
But all this
which feels like a lifeTime
is but a mere moment
a mere millisecond in the
cycle of existence.
Unless you merge into the infinite. Then
It Is Bliss.
April 2000
**************************************
W....a.....NderInG...
away from myself.
Looking for myself
inside the world.
Been looking for so long.
Lifetime after lifetime
I search.
Awaiting an answer I am
already aware of.
Your eyes are crystal clear-
like lakes formed from
a Virgins tears!
I catch a glimpse
of myself
in them.
And my eyes tell me-
that I must look for the world
inside myself.
And suddenly the tears dry up
and my eyes become the
eyes of the world.
April 2000
************************
“Come on, little one, lets take a walk”
and I go.
I somehow feel awestruck by this invitation.
As if I am doing something naughty.
“take a bite of this apple”
This seems familiar.
“Come on, its not so forbidden- unless you like ignorance”
Now I remember.
Once long ago I was surrounded by beautiful trees.
All of them bearing fruit.
All of them willing to feed me.
And I ate of them. Many of them.
But the one. The one was forbidden.
And I ate anyway.
And I felt ashamed. Not only had I been exposed,
but I now bore the seed.
“What's wrong? You look spooked”
I'm sorry.
Its just that,
In the beginning of time,before their
was sin,
before their was you or me-
I ate of that fruit.
And now here I am. Again.
And I'm still not me.
Does it ever end?
“You have eaten of the fruit”
Well, sure. So have you.
“Yes, and isn't it beautiful?”
I suppose so.
Everything is more beautiful when you see
It through millions of eyes.
“Because we are all the same”
Yes. May I have another bite?
4-13-2000
*************************************
She claims the sky
her wings spread
unforsaken
she is wandering
getting higher
and higher
til the sun is beside her.
Traversing the world
she knows she has
no burden
to bear
no weight to hold her down
she is lost out there
somewhere
high above the ground.
They aim for her
clip her wing
she is stunned
by the sudden sting
as she falls
helplessly
plummeting thousands of feet
to the barren ground
where she is broken
into tiny fragments
of sorrow.
The sun is no longer beside her
but behind her in memory
as the life she knew
slips silently away.
4-13-2000
**********************************
I am lost in the particles-
the microscopic fragments of reality
They dance in front of me
like graceful prisms on a stage
made for me.
I slip past them
to where the light is peeking out
from behind that dark sheet of silence.
I absorb the light
and I am mesmerized by the bliss
and ecstasy of nothingness.
Particle by particle I slip away.
My world consists of endless patterns
of beauty
swirling endlessly around me
enticing me to join the dance.
My breathing synchronizes
with the heartbeat of existence.
The energy transforms me
from flesh
into magnificent rays of light
and I spread myself out over the world.
I envelope and consume all spaces
all masses and all dimensions
until I can feel the pulse
of every living thing
inside my veins.
I can hear them calling to me.
Trying to distract me from this fantastic
existence
until their voices penetrate my rays
and strangle my light
And I am once more
peering out through my physical eyes.
4-13-2000
******************************************
Crazy Little Girl
eyes cold as ice
a storm in another time
peering at the dreams
frozen in rhyme
Madness makes masters
of men who wake up
learning from the dreams
that free them from the muck
crazy little girl
crazy little girl
paranoid
hypnotized by the world
swept away
swept away
lost inside the void
A heart as warm as fire
burning- alone, alone
dreaming, flying higher
outside the lines she roams
wake up, wake up
see the inner skies
awaken your fragile heart
for freedom from their lies
Crazy little girl
crazy little girl
lost inside her world
freedom without
freedom within
wake up, little girl
let the world in.
4-21-2000
***************************************
As only you could do
you bring me close to bliss
I fear there is a part of life
that somehow I have missed.
you wrap me in your pelican arms
shielding me from harm
I sit upon your nest
eggs warming
beneath my bare flesh;
my body soft and unprotected
from the rough world
the sun shines omnipotent
as if it believed it were god.
I have been cast away
from the world I knew
everything now
is done for you...
may 2000
*************************************
If they find me will they tell me
lift me up and propel me
open my eyes so I will see
that maybe there is substance to reality?
If they find me will they kill me
teach and instill in me
fear of their mortal laws
before I perish from their claws?
May 2000
************************************
Crawling crawling
on my knees
choking on your disease
and now it seems
I'm free
Ive escaped brutality
normality
sometimes I forget to Be
forget to See
they cant understand
the life I lead
the blood I bleed
but I'm freed
from misery
no physical identity
except for love
except for light
shining even in the night
grasping for the heights
up the ladder
growing madder
can't break away
from the platter
you've been served
unNerved
fed to the Bird
the worm has been killed
blood spilled
laughter filling the window sill
how does it feel to be real
stuck inside
your own ideal
cut away from the shield
blackened and bruised
torn and used
flattered beneath the eternal
excuse
break away
save your day
make your life a shade of grey
cant believe you're so far away
gone for sure
locked the door
dead on the shore
the tide rolls in
breaking thin
collapsing upon the fertile sins
suck it in
suck it in
breathe with your fins
you're underwater now
I'll show you how
how to swim
beneath the river of him
I'm in the water
floating in
on top of the waves
I'm braver than the slaves
Ill never be in chains
and here I come
to help you out
to help you in
burn your sin
flesh dripping like liquid tin
and now you smile
but only for a while
here comes the end
you've walked the last mile
may 2000
*******************************************
I walked into your dream
from across the room
I took your thoughts
straight from your mind
Inside the daze we felt smug
timid yet curious
and ever so ready
to succumb to the fire.
And now I feel your heartbeat
taking my breath
I try to cry
I try to sleep
with your head nestled in my breast
thump thump
like a hollow drum
beating in rhythm with the worlds lungs.
Time after time
you come to me in fear
you beg for my protection
and I wipe away your tears.
Inside this dream we are one
Inside these thoughts, we breathe
awaken from this Illusion
and our spirits shall be free.
5-3-2000
************************************
Where in this existence am I?
Out wandering beneath the sapphire sky?
Crawling on my knees
digging in the dirty disease
of life
taking turns with god
in the neon light
of the turquoise dream
finding the ocean beneath the stream
my eyes bleeding from constant sight
unwavering in the dark of night.
Countless days I've spent in vain
bathing in the acid rain
peeling my skin from my brittle bones
plastered to the iron stones
of Life.
Where in this existence am I?
A diamond in the sunlit sky?
Casting my shadow across the barren ground
pretending to be a god
in the world that I have found?
Inside the embryo
I wallow in blood
awaiting the push of the eternal flood
into a life where feelings are stone
and bitterness of the unanswered quest
leaves me cold and alone.
5-4-2000
************************************
Symptoms of you
You come around
head in the clouds
lifting me off the ground
I aim for you
I am to be of you
Some days are sweet
when the fragrance of you
tickles my heart to replace my blue
little by little I swallow you down
little by little you come around
Ive got symptoms of you
where do I hide
symptoms of you
killing the sickness inside
Ive got symptoms of you
the fever is strong
symptoms of you
pushing me along
You come around
mimicking sound
mesmerized by the clouds
I embrace you
I embrace the truth in you
Some nights are warm
when the stars comfort me
whispering secrets you hold for me
sun by day you fade away
moon by night in the golden ray
Ive got symptoms of you
how sweet it is
symptoms of you
to deliver me from this
Ive got symptoms of you
opening my eyes
symptoms of you
soaring my skies
I fade away
into you
I fade away
into truth
into truth
Illusive dreams
are all that's left
hanging from lifes' noose...
5-8-2000
***********************************
And what did it mean
when he said
its all in your head?
Was the black right
wrong too
all the way back to you?
Light
explicitly
entangled, confusion, synchronicity
the humility of indignity...
can they become you
given Time
to eat their way through?
Sunlight drawing them close...
magnetically sicked in-
its all in a dose.
When in Time
it becomes plain
to all who See
that time is Me
or time is Be
cyclic or chronologically...
Its been negated
duality outdated-
the Bride has been subdued.
5-26-2000
*************************************************
If you cant see my secrets
how can you tell
if I'm headed towards heaven
or headed towards hell?
Ive got some things hidden
in the back of my mind
safely tucked beneath the grey
where no one else can find.
If you can't feel the treachery
in knowing the game is through
how can you pretend to know
what my mind can do?
The fire engulfs those who run
they can't escape the pain
until they face the honesty
of lifes' brutal game.
The water quenches only those
who know the hidden sea
where only love comes above
the water depths of me.
Sit down young friend
tell me what you know
let me be your mortal end
when the last wind blows.
And if you can feel my secrets
don't forget to tell
for we are one and the same
and heaven is a part of hell.
6-13-2000
greyhound departure day
*****************************
I most utterly
think
that I am getting there
slowly.
Mind, warp speed-
pressures forgotten,
heart freed.
For instance- this night,
storm blows cold
air conditioner on
full blast
whilest my skin
shrivels like
a raisin
with the chill.
But even now
I am still.
Calmness,
sea of tranquility-
eyes aware,
hands sore
from constant activity.
And I am most
utterly
happy.
Despite the rain.
Despite the cold.
I am following the storm-
because we are one.
6-14-2000
********************************
Bus ride just like
flight
Luck must not be
right
lost baggage once again.
Going to arrive
smelling
and dirty
in three day old clothes
with nothing to change into.
Man, what a lousy situation.
But my mind is intact
my body is healthy
and my determination
to make it work
outweighs my aggravation
at the whole mess.
I'll pick up my things
and set off
on foot
in search of something
good
that surely must away me.
Failure is not an option
this far from Home.
Ive taken the plunge
and now I roam.
6-15-2000
*****************************************
Once upon a time in a nursery rhyme
I drank tea by his side
squiggled a little
stuck in the middle
little by little
I solved the riddle
6-15-2000
greyhound
**************************************
The Fate of Four
Thee tired travelers traversed in tune-
the harmony and the rhapsody held the moon.
The saint became the minstrel-
the buoyancy of the boom-
and joining forces they tamed the horses
of the highest doom.
Fission splitting, missing hitting the Mother
in the Womb-
The four did start with each a heart
and now they part too soon.
The first, who teased the tastes of the Gods
now crept upon his way-
leaving nothing but his essence
to them who fared him well that day.
The second, the beckoned, the lost dream,
scorched and burned in flame-
said goodbye and fluttered high
to reclaim his name.
The third, the minstrel of the dawn,
her song is grace, as grace is swan.....
but moving on, unfettered, moving on.
And the fourth, who continued and assisted
the minstrel on to further ground,
is waiting silently for this poem,
which has just been written down.
6-15-2000
greyhound
*******************************
I watched the demon come in mask
I didn't even try to ask
what he wanted
why he was there
I could see my past in fear filled air
I wonder why
I wonder where
if I could cease to feel scared
perhaps I do
perhaps I do
perhaps that demon belonged to you
6 15 2000
greyhound
***************************************
I Dreamed It All
A midnight mood came to me
asked me what I wanted to be
all I knew was nothing at all
and so she watched my angel fall
Again I sing in sweet repose
treasures are hidden where no one knows
Fairy wings spread and flitter
through the cascade of summer glitter
I dreamed it all
I dreamed it all
I dreamed creation
I dreamed the fall
Angel tears washed me dry
kept me clean and purified
I closed my eyes and began to see
just a little and nothing more
faint shadows crossing the plains
heading for the ocean shore
where does the secret lie
where does my secret lie
dormant beneath the rainbow
placid in the sapphire sky
Angels know
angles know and they can tell
walk beside you
ring their bells
the shepherd is gone
the sheep are lost
vulnerable to the threats
the cold midnight frost
Can you break into me
pry open my disease
find your way inside
give me your secret keys
I dreamed it all
I dreamed it all
I dreamed creation
I dreamed the fall
When I awake I'll start again
I'll make my world new again.
6-15-2000
greyhound
**************************************
Awaiting the Fate
And so it began another game
a dream just the same
he held her heart in his hand
and now traveled to further lands
They said it would be
they said it would be
they allowed her lonely heart to see
this man who would claim her sea-
this ocean of emotion bubbling free.
And did he know?
And did he show
the way that it could be?
Two old lovers at last with one another
but one still couldn't be free.
And so she wept in silent cry
to see her soulmate wave goodbye
she knew he would remember soon
the face reflected in the moon
and seek her yet once again
to bring to harmony the wildness within.
She let him go, with one last gaze
into his deep green eyes-
the rose he gave to his babe
now lingers at her side.
The scent of him teases her
into a dream once more-
just to see his perfect face
again outside her door.
And so becomes another love
a love that was once before-
and now she waits till the fates
giver her her lover once more.
6-16-2000
Greyhound Bus en route to San Francisco
*********************************************
Mr. Toad
I met myself on the road
said hello to Mr. Toad
without a warning it trickled down
toad and me on the ole go-round
the shutters shutting suddenly
toad and me pinched between
the window sill and silver stream
of shadowmen lurking within
counting slowly one to ten
cycle spinning without intent
only toad knew what I meant
when the sapphire sky spoke to me
and told me of the Golden See
I met myself on the road
but said goodbye to Mr. Toad
he was the prince of my despair
a travel of travels with him I shared
the trip it seemed was from the past
but it was deemed not to last
Mr. Toad and Ms. Me
babbling bubbles of insanity
to pass the time or time the pass
of which the fire would burn to ash
In his eyes I saw the green
and in his soul a reflection of me.
6-16-2000
greyhoud
************************************
People scattered
randomly
like oil spots on a
city street.
Facing the light,
each one sings
his own tune.
Am I but one of these-
existing only within the landscape
of the earth?
Or do I feel their fear
and comfort their woe?
The cascading city waterfalls
are teasing me
I close my eyes and
depart to the wilderness
at the waters roaring
call-
then I awaken and
once again am in the city
light.
Fresh breeze
even within this polluted muck-
seems so perfect.
It tickles me to know
that I know
white flowing freedom
from the void-
drowning out my dark.
Here I am free-
yet entangled in the breeze.
6-20-2000
***********************************
This city makes me want to speak
no longer silent words on blank sheet
voices captivating entire rooms
...this I feel is to come soon.
This city makes me want to laugh
to share my joy with the other half
spirit exuberant, reaching high
anything is possible here
only have to try.
Sometimes I feel their eyes upon me
picking apart my limbs
again and again
breaking away that facade
that plastered itself to my day
so long ago.
So long it was.
Now I'm free
And now I know
that words are nothing without the rest
an action to pass the test.
Thoughts stagnate without air.
Manifest those brilliant glares.
This city makes my face glow
from the sense of freedom I now know.
And everywhere.....everywhere, my friend
lies another task waiting to begin.
Don't stagnate-
action is everything
when the thoughts have circled themselves
over and over again.
6-20- 2000
***********************************
These City Streets
You told me they build steel bars
and cages around their homes
and businesses,
and even their gardens.
You did not tell me they build
steel bars and cages around their hearts,
their minds, and their bodies.
To keep away the danger,
the unwelcome visits,
and the occasional vandal.
Or to keep away their passion?
Is it the cold world around them
they are afraid of?
Or is it the cold world inside
them, that concrete haven
of empty or broken dreams?
In those high-rises, those expensive showcases-
plastered head to toe with the Great Facade-
Inside the picture perfect mold that surrounds
them, I can see their core.
It is desperately seeking emancipation.
“Release yourselves from these cages! “,
I want to scream;
would they listen?
The unsympathetic clitter and clatter of jangling
business suits and brand new boots-
chitter, chatter, racket in constant movement.
Afraid of the silence, afraid of the dark-
they surround themselves with
millions of other Lonely People.
Share the silence! Share the solitude!
Inside, where I can see, they are crying.
Crying to be home again-
here again?
Lack of emotion
toughening them into soldiers
so they can function rightly in society.
Pull their handles, flick their switches-
the reaction is conditioned...
A conditioned stimuli and constant
surprise! Oh, surprises, can they not be real?
You told me they are watching me-
the Shadowmen, from within.
But did you mean the ones I find here,
in this cold, grey, silently screaming city?
The ones sleeping at every street corner
begging for a fraction of hope-
the ones being kicked and bruised
by the winds of fate?
Or do you mean the grey ones.
The grey and black coats
with matching bottoms
who wear men like wealth...
as if the men are real?
They- who don't understand the value
of a friend....or a dollar?
Who march in tune with the maestro
who laughs at their pride at every move.
And which is which?
I can see my own Shadowmen
watching me
In every face I see peering awkwardly
back at me....
just demons of me?
You told me not to act tough
here
because that is not the way.
Did you tell me to bend at will, then,
amongst those flags of fallacy?
If I bend, I may be ok....but
too stiff, surely, I would crumble.
Oh, my dark prince, delivered justly to me-
but removed before my eyes could
set you free.
Are you not with me now,
are you not my words?
Are you not the redness, the flush
in my cheeks
as they burn for you?
Are you not the last twinkle of
innocence in my bluest of blue eyes?
I am yours at will.
But please, do not fight it- do not try-
for it was you who made you and I...
Those green eyes warned me of my Solitude,
they summoned my greatest gift-
they gave me meaning where nothing exists.
If not for you,
then why am I?
Am I not this smog filled sky
littered with the peoples disease?
Will it be here that I find you once more-
here in this maze-
this concrete and steel heaven,
haven
of emptiness- in groups of a million-
all starving for illness?
Wrist watches no longer keep the time
but catch the crime
of these city walls....city halls-
everything cold and grey
even on the hottest of days.
Where there is no shade
except the ones man made.
Are you not here, with me.....
eyes- the windows to every soul?
To my soul?
IS that what he meant when he said
the Inner Eyes were staring back at mine?
I bid you goodbye, dear,
just for awhile.
I beg you come another time,
to my hearts delight.
I carry your essence day and night.
You told me that you loved me-
but you didn't tell me this
in English,
or any other language, but your own.
Love may bring you to me once
again-
to mend the solitude of these
city streets.
6-26-2000
******************************************
Ah, my stage! Everything always falls into play!
Action to action- day to day
I'm making my living in my same old way-
Ha! Taking my giving and tossing it away!
I can see them watching me;
I can feel them contemplating me and what I bring;
They know I know they are just actors on my stage-
players in my game.
Things happening so fast
I can barely pass my own tests,
let alone manipulate the world for the rest!
From their eyes I see the glow-
the burning, itching desire to know-
and in me they see that flame-
unperturbed by that sick sad game;
And, oh my stage! How petty yet brave!
How genuine to feel the time
as it shrivels up my human mind
like a prune awaiting the prime.
Is it here on this wooden plank, dark and dank
with musty space,
that all my dreams are made and forbade?
-All that commotion I've shut out...
Ive crept up into the attic
where I rest.
Ah, to pass the test!
To crave the crest of the unbroken tide!
Always willing to go along for the ride.
And yet again- My stage! My stage!
Everything always falls into place-
action to action, day to day
I'm living my making in the same old way.
6-28-2000
****************************************
I am silently obliterated-
my Being splits fragment by fragment
til nothing is left but the truth.
Is it these cold, hard streets
or is it the solitary swing of my silent song?
The rusted man, walking stiff
hustling and bustling and racing towards it-
knees, joints rusted like the metallic man-
robotically imprinted with their static plan.
From years of harsh, cold thoughts and actions
he is now stiff and rusted
and needing oil.
These eyes....the windows of the city-
thousands overlooking the jumble, mumble
of the majestic maze-
they peer out....some open, some closed-
but no one is home.
No movement inside them, inside the grey walls.
I want to go in and awaken each one.
I want to show them how to turn
on the light-
The mass is mesmerized by the model
of missionary madness-
bitter, bare, unwelcoming glare...
they seek comfort- but
wary and full of fear.
They surround themselves with dreams
molded after the Master Plan-
the Establishment.
And I am silently obliterated,
in these bleak streets-
trying to make the city
not quite so grey.
6-28 2000
*****************************************
I am sitting here and I don't quite know what to write.
Seems my words are not summed up by the uprush of creative thought.
My tongue aches to touch the tears of those distant hearts-
those distant fears. My sword sharpened by sweet surprise.
These pigeons of my Within, pecking their way out-
crumb by crumb, deaf and dumb to the pleas
and disease of the men and women who sleep in their streets.
Those square streets. Blackened and bruised feet
hardened with defeat.
My words build up till only my heart can explain them-
too full to contain them, my soul maimed by them
if they linger too long, stuck in silent song...
with only the mournings to push them along.
Something has been awakened in me, creeping in
or on, or out of me-
peeking in at the blend of sins I've freed.
Ah, what is sin, anyway, but a different shade
of the same old grey?
Just contusions and intrusions into peace,
begging for release into the city streets
to gather the grimy, gritty grease
of so many dreams lost and deceased...
and fallen upon the hard ground.
In my heart I hear the Sound.
But my hands do not feel able
to make the words stable
and solid for others to read.
First my heart must pick apart the messages,
and freed- allow them to bleed.
Then, ah! To succeed! Dearest success,
much blessed and finally detested
from my heart to my soul to my mouth to my hand
to my heart all over, up, and down again.
6-28-2000
************************************
Infinity, on its side, divided
taken away from the present
but ever-pleasant
and always on time.
Is this me? Is this my rhyme-
broken and unsympathetic
to the distant chime
of their bells?
Ring. Ring for me. Ring for free.
Allow their cold hearts to bleed...
warmed and freed
they will stand.
Joined.
Hand in hand. With me.
Eternity, vertical uncertainty-
plastered with the same disease
I knew once
long ago
before Time was
time to go.
In the deserted hallways,
alleyways, fallways and mall haze
I see the cloud
arise again.
That bitter wind, smog grey fog
of the tantalizing sins
who pester me
fester inside me
yearning to be released.
So they can claim once again
the hearts of men.
6-28-2000
*****************************************
A window separates me from them
a hard, silent window
smooth and thin.
They sit outside in full vest
covered in wantonness.
I alone; silent- other side-
peering out
at them with their cold minds
and strangled hearts.
Or am I the miser, the transgressor-
searching for my bliss?
-missing the point they
all forgot to miss?
The window is foggy now,
a little fragile and scared-
I'm making my way in
over to them
into where
they feed-
and breed
until freed
and then I assume their shape
their face
their race and their time-
until in the end
the race is mine
and there is no thing called Time.
When the window breaks,
shattered-
and separation is battered
and confused.....
the One will assume the Two-
the few who always knew.
6-30-2000
*************************************************
Can't I watch it glow
without having to know
when- or what or where-
if it's in every place you go...
my star is smiling softly
tonight.
Wavering peacefully to and fro.
When it gets to the point
of amnesia-
it's time to turn on the alarm.
Open those windows; smile,
we mean no harm.
The tricycle is lost again...
Little Billy was born blind,
so he hid it in a place
where only he could find.
But my start burns brightly
tonight-
applauding the days wage-
still smiling in her innocent glow
beneath the sapphire stage.
and still we may never know
til we've read the final page.
6-2000
****************************************
The butterfly has been spotted
seize her wings, they say!
She alone could break the bones
that hide beneath the grave.
6-2000
******************************************
What bitter wind is this,
which penetrates my soul to the core-
erasing memory and silencing the song?
My heart is but a vessel, a home inside a home
where I capture the bitter wind that chills my bones.
Outside these walls I fear nothing but ignorance.
Outside these walls I am awaited, perforated to the plan-
ah....perfection in a placid land!
And does my song speak silently, softly-
allowing you to crawl through?
I am an image, a dim lit mirage
to those concrete eyes, concrete lies-
a plume without shape, a shadow of the light
that never dies.
How is it that the song is so sweet,
so strong, yet so subtle from the tongue
of the Great Mother?
The cold iron fists of fate, pounding upon the head
of reason.....knocking....
awaiting my call-
but alas! I have long been gone-
swept along
by those bitter winds penetrating my soul.
Pulled, tossed to and fro-
no set place to go-
silencing the sacred words I've always known.
I am here, in the arms of the Mother....
cradled beneath her breast-
safe now from the concrete cess.
7-12-2000
**********************************************
I'm holding my
life on a
S
T
I
C
K...
watching the strife
grow thick-
and the stick
b
r
e k
a s....
f
a
l
l
i
n
g down-
uncertainty touching
g r o u n d.
8- 2000
**********************************
Were they right
I'm staring at the sun when the sun don't shine
I'm looking in the eyes of a blind man
how many times till I get it right?
I'm walking in the steps of my shadow
crazy when the days pass so slow
I'm still on time but I still don't know.
And were they right when the told me to cry
when they told me to die for the things I want
and were they right when they told me to lie
when they told me to die for the things I want
and when I see your face in my my minds eye
I think I see some tears that have long been dry
and when I think of my my hands in your hands
I catch myself in the dream that never ends (again)
I'm sitting in the center of the spiral
wishing the night weren't quite so long
watching for the sun when it rises again
to look in the eyes of a wise man
And were they right when the told me to cry
when the told me to die for the things I want
and were they right when they told me to lie
when they told me to die for the things I want
Rock Star
Rock star Solid Energy
Rock Star sing to me
Sing me a song if you feel the need
there's a light in my eyes cause I know I'm free
but don't hesitate to hold my hand
with my soul in your soul we'll never fall again
8-01-00
**************************************
Virgin Lake
I've set sail on a Virgin Lake
from the tears I cried when I tried to Wake
Sometimes In my dreams I find someone
and I see the world is just illusion
I take a bath in the aftermath of a dream gone bad
cant remember now what I used to have
Sometimes it seems that in my dreams
my blues have turned to red-
I'm bleeding you- sweet in my veins
I'm feeding you- the bread of shame
Touch me, touch me one more time
touch me, touch me and I'll be alright
Crimson smile and sapphire style
flowing upward like the Nile
never too much when the dream is such
that I am awakened by your touch
My sails are strong but my ship is lost
into the storm I am tossed
without a light and without a friend-
do you think I'll sink or reach the end?
Touch me, touch me one more time
touch me and tell me you will be mine
8-5-2000
*************************************
When you have nothing
you have everything you need
when you are not bound by hate
and not bound by greed
you have all you want
and all you want, you have.
A rich man has his home inside his heart
filled with the treasures
of golden friendship, silver dreams
and gentle compassion.
These things are priceless
and if they are being bought and sold
they are fallacies.
When the flame burns simply
to burn
that is existence at its greatest.
Life is to be lived
and lived with no end in mind.
The means, when actuality is realized,
is the end in itself.
It is like a path.
If your eyes are always on the end of the path,
you will stumble on the obstacles
directly before you.
Though you can only see
a hazy aspect of what lay in the distant future
you can easily go around the stones
that lay in the middle of your immediate path.
If your eyes however are on the end of the road,
you will trip over the stones
and end up worse than you started.
8-7-2000
*******************************
...born in a bustling blue dream
she escaped the clutches of the earthen queen.
Her hands, leather, yet soft
smooth and strong.
He eyes could penetrate
any cold steel heart or mind.
Her eyes- intense isles of amber gold
-ambiguous and outside the mold.
She wanders with a gypsy heart.
Nomadic and free, she roams
the earth, from mountain to sea
with only her hand to give
or her heart to share-
peaceful serenity entangled in her hair.
Once, she was bound,
found alongside her soul; scared
and weak; her heart in shreds
from her illusory misery.
Did she ever know what she could do?
Did she understand the power
she held deep within her soul?
Now the bells no longer ring...
the birds no longer sing-
unless she is there
with the love she brings.
Gypsy heart. Gypsy soul.
8-10-2000
**********************************************
Shut off- shut down
feeling the insanity bouncing around
stuck inside
the small metal cage
brains rattling-
battling the rage
make a choice, to make a way
let me hear your voice
.-the words you want to say.
Pissed on- pissed off
.-passed out
in the public pause-
understanding nothing of their
primitive laws...
Crying- inside the towers
.- craving the company
of a million sunflowers-
Drying- and trying
to ease the pain-
the tears that are flowing
once again.
She smiles, upside down-
turned around-
ego battered and beaten down-
for the knight of lust
who broke the trust
and played the circus clown.
Shut off- Shut down
feeling the sadness bouncing around.
Stuck inside
the small rusty cage
brains bleeding-
feeding the rage.
8-10-2000
********************************
Upside down
downside up
drinking life
from a paper cup
inside out
outside in
fill up
the cup again
tic tac toe
pitch black snow
falling from the earth
touching sky
falling high
awaiting another birth
mister mister
little sister
brother mother too
dig your grave
you poor slave
and sacrifice the truth
around and around
and around again
flitter flitter
babysitter
lost the kids again
touch the earth
feel the sky
ground yourself
so very high
upside down
downside up
drinking life
from a leaky cup.
8-11-2000
********************************
On the verge of convergence- they created
Diversion- like a cosmic surgeon they
removed their laws...
Crippled with pride they tripled their side
and once again found their flaws...
Awaiting backstage- in the shadows-
the Mage- who would bring light once again...
But for a moment It paused
and He
lost his cause and his love turned to Sin.
A simple plight turned to fight when one side
refused to give- and so together they
tightened the tether- each wanting to live.
And in much hurry,with sudden fury they
dwelt in their uncertainty...
till once again they lived in sin for all
of eternity.
And in transgression- fighting for possession-
the mortal man must die....but if he
succeeds, mentally freed- he will surely
Rise.
8-12-2000
************************************
Ah, what calmness, what freedom
lies beneath that translucent blanket of blue-
what perfectly placid swiftness easing past you-
to a place where even dreams are free.
And does that sheet of soft silk
stare back in awe at you and me?
Dancing, swirling endlessly, she has only one thought-
to be helplessly caught
and devoured by a blue moonflower
using a name borrowed from the wind,
flexible, pliable- willing to bend,
for only the wise shall rise again.
Oh, that screen where only night could come between
reality and the the unseen dream-
playing hide and seek with the constant stream
of shadowgods hiding between
the paths we've trod
and the untouched green.
Come home, come home
angel queen, I'll bow to you
I'll hold on to your voice of truth-
dancing with my amber smile-
constant adornment of gypsy style
wandering, looking for that sky-
Sapphire doorway, inside the high
till all that's left is you and I.
8-18-2000
*************************************************
Wasted
Tasted the seed
waiting for me to bleed
understanding the omen
and when to take heed
over the ocean but under the sea
after the secret before me
wasted
in the wake
of a mortal mans dream
tasting of the demons that imprison me
hungry eyes
starving for an adventure
awaiting the fates of the three twisted sisters
ah, the craving...
the caging of the animal within
running from the cunning angel of sin
laughter, the voice of the Gods
devil after devil, across the drunken pods
divine with the taste of immortality
sacred to the touch
and precious to see-
the moon goddess accepts her humility...
shes been
wasted...
tasted the seed
bitter from the human greed
saturated to the bone, broken
enough to steal the token
of paradise
without paying the price.
8-18-2000
*************************************
Take a look back old woman.
Can you see what is before you?
Or behind you
can you feel the world around you
are you an observer
in a state of disarray...
broken down and carried away
choking on tooth decay...
at last, you see
focus your eyes on me
can you see that little girl
she used to be beautiful
starlit eyes
a million smiles
and all the while
a million waves goodbye...
stumbled sometimes
fumbled once or twice
kicked around but never down
and always paid the price.
Twisted up now
neck peeling from eczema
smoke bellowing in your lungs...
armed with stale cheese
and dry gum
pluck those eyebrows
sado-masochist
aunt Mary
Mother Teresa
feed me one piece of truth
teach me to feel
without feeling loose
tie the noose
carry the shame
take the blame for yesterday
just one more day
yes, old woman
look back in memory
see the child you used to be
appreciate your fate
and let it be
scraped knees and pigtails
button nose and torn blouse
dirty knees and runny nose
always the first
to claim she knows
listen to me old woman
those translucent hands
have seen the light
they have tasted light
felt the velvet aftermath
and you once were young
and beautiful
and still you sing
and dance
and laugh
just like you did
once
long ago
8-18-2000
******************************
Shes out in the meadows
chasing butterflies
let the little girl go
where the secret lies
hidden beneath the stone
hardened, like ivory, bone-
stiff beneath the feet
of a girl all alone.
Shes free again-
no chains remain-
bondage broken once more-
freedom from the pain.
She's out playing with her shadow-
the only friend she's known
staring at the sun
dreaming of her home.
Mother, don't be afraid-
father, rest your tired head
your little girl is safe
tucked into her fantasy bed.
She's got a few years
she's got a few tears
she's alone enough to know
the comfort of the words she hears.
And all about the forest
and all through the trees
she's following her voice
as it ripples with the breeze.
She's out in the fields
chasing butterflies
let the little girl go-
she knows where the secret lies.
8-18-2000
**********************************
I forgot to remember the future today-
lost in my mind I lost the way
stumbled upon some sacred texts
awaiting the fates and the nearest next
twice I cried when the canon fired
once inside the metal wire
as the general searched for me....
but I forgot to remember the future again
as the girls sauntered out and in
men, careless, untidy indeed
in bed with the Red Queen-
scared of the covers and whats
in-between
but then I forgot once again.
Crawled in, forgot the knob, stuck on crack
in a raging mob...
unlikely bastards, arrested once again-
my mind is far behind the pen.
Wait, one second, if you don't mind-
forget the slack of all of that
and let yourself Breathe,
take it from me, try it and see,
death makes it easier to believe.
But I forgot to remember the future...
or I remembered to forget-
either one, better yet-
neither one quite completes it.
Wasting away,
desolation, state of Grey-
break the gates and run away.
8-18-2000
************************************
And Still It Breathes
It breathes with me
decayed fragments of a lost future
its mountains spilling over the greyed sins-
and the blue wisps of thought whirl endlessly,
dancing a dance long forgotten,
enticing me to join-
I would, if I could break from my nest.
The smell of pungent madness...
The stench of wasted Time and Energy...
The fever of a million gods-
all burning to bide their time.
And still it breathes...
its ruby eye, bleak in this dim light
swells with each regret-
swallowing the fumes of lost innocence.
And it chokes me.
Its claws curling around my windpipe-
clenching; and submerging itself
into my atmosphere, it breaks down.
It breaks me down.
I, The Fool, the painted clown-
laughing at my own disguise-
(waiting for its demise?)
for just a moment I am found
I feel my lungs twist around-
squirming to be free.
And still it breathes.
A decayed dream,
rapidly disintegrating
before my very eyes.
And it comes as no surprise.
8-18-2000
****************************************
I sit cross legged, in a daze-
a crystal colored haze
penetrating my maddening gaze-
moments like this are eternal.
Time blooms like a flower
before my tired eyes. Eyes
which have been left on, (for too long?)
or perhaps I am just dreaming...
fighting my demons; but I'll
never win. Purged of my sin- I shall
roam free- allowing the winged
devils to follow me... or stomping
upon them with my boots of steel-
steel blisters puking from the
constant crawl....along the painted
field- crazed and clueless.
A broken angle- another point of view-
how many opinions must I be put through-
before I've leapt free of
their hatred. My hand begins
to ache- and maybe tremble-
words forming unconsciously...
comatose, free from infection
my grip is firm, my stance...
doesn't exist. I have no pride
or no pride to hide?
Still, I am here. And I sit
cross legged- limbs folded unexposed...
creating a shield around my
ripening fig. Should it fall, I
mustn't mourn- for
what is Death but another Form?
8-18-2000
*************************************
Little Jenny lost her penny
and found a Cracker Jack
up she went, without a cent
but go sent right back
the bank, she said, was very mad
because she lost her bank account
now the day is breaking away
and little Jenny is out
Cracker Jack smoked some crack
and lost his gerbil friend...
down he went in search of it-
on him he did depend.
Dreams Are Real
8-18-2000
*****************************
Papa papa where did you go
I've looked forever and still don't know
you've hidden your pearl from me
did you think that I would never see?
Papa papa why do you run
have you not had your fill of fun
can man be free if he is found
or with your chains are they forever bound?
Mother mother I need you now
I need to find father but I don't know how
I know we've been unkind to you
and battered you with rusty boots
but all in all we know it is sin
to even search for love again
And father hasn't shown his face
proud is he, who created this place?
Unable to contain his own greed
in planting another living seed
he will not answer my dying call
perhaps he was injured in the Fall?
Papa papa where did you go
I've looked forever and still don't know
you've taken your presence and given me sight
but still something doesn't seem right
Papa Papa, Mothers on fire
she's been exposed to your live wire
If you don't come very quick
I fear mother will fall sick
papa papa come here please
rid me of my mortal disease
show yourself in the rising sun-
to let me know we are still one.
8-18-2000
**********************************
Jesters and Gestures and festers of pain
clowning and frowning and drowning in the rain
pouring the liquid into my dreams
picking my soul apart at the seams
around and around and around I go
up and down and here and now we know
Jesters and Gestures and hot acid rain
festering and blistering your scared little brain.
8-21-2000
**********************************
Crawling, bawling
fits of blame-
numb me, shun me
with your shame
warped up and wrapped in
and tarnished to the skin
8-24-2000
***********************************
My world glows bright(ly
ing) tonight;
or does it?
Twinkles fade
when dreams are made
(all but each follow the maze)
Sudden craze
spilling over me.
Only my everything feels
the sting(yness) of life.
Smoke curls, swirls
around my tanning skin.
Gladly letting the demons
in(terestingly enough) I've
found the hiding place.
Crushed with flushed with
hushed with lace
pushed inside the metal
em(brace) of the
gentle face
of the moon(less night)?
Ah, but my world
grows brightly
today (never came)
; I'm stuck in(until)
the wind calms
and the chill stills.
Only everything, but nothing more
than all, can come
inside this mind
when the time
calls.
8-24-2000
*********************************
I have absorbed you, your fate
your unhate, and your
skin into my within
and I like it- love-
could anything always be so grand?
When the pull of hush
grasps my hand
your hand(some face)?
Summer is creeping in
feeling thin and,
oh, my friend! What comes before?
Tis only always nothing more
than everything that craves the core(sponding catch?)
Click like clack
and tic like tac
and toe don't know where nail is at-
in the wrist-
pinned up, fist to fist
against the shift of tide
where In I ride
with silver horse, silver moon
(silver dream comes too soon?)
Crucified in a dream
freedom from the lie
freedom from the thief
crowning unfaith into belief-
concentrate(demons falling) need
to see them calling
crawling in on all fours-
into my skin- (where only you
are allowed in).
8-24-2000
****************************************
(young sterile dream of love) where are you hiding?
Is it worth my mental birth for you to confide in?
Confuse me confound me
search all around me
my eternity is yours to keep.
I want only notsleep
awake to take a gentle peek.
To know is lie, to lie is hate
to hate is futile
(and futility awaits)
(Sweetinnocenthope) of which I ungrasp-
grasping tighter but lighter still
than ever you will...
How often does our love ride
upon the horse of doom?
Sweeping away the hopethetrustthehumanlust
with the cosmic broom?
Pity! Oh Pity! Those who fell
were well ahead of the rest!
Skipping the ripening feast of fest(ering cries)
stagnant and pregnant with lies.
Deliver me, oh deliver me-
Softly lay me down beneath the tree-
where its arms comfort me in the breeze-
the breath of mortality.
I ask not to be (forever be)
but moreso to feel thee-
here and now-
no whenbutwherehow
and all I ask is to love thee-
with all my heart radiantly.
8-24-2000
********************************
And what shall I write, when I
have no light (to read by)
except this cheap
rolled cigarette
burning my fingers.
I guess I could sing of love
for my heart knows no boundaries.
Can I be found
when I am lost in his presence?
I am dropping ashes on the bed
watching as the cigarette burns dead.
Gordon sings the songs
that touch my heart-
voice so sweet my ears
are lost in fantasy.
And these white pages
slowly turn to red; blue; black
I don't even know the color of
my ink.
I think I may be absurd
to attempt the written word
in utter, complete blackness.
This must be how god felt
when he said “let their be light”.
Glory and creation come from
darkness.
So here I create.
With the light of my heart.
8-25-2000
*******************************************
Did you ever know that I love you?
Do you know the abyss
I'm coming from?
So utterly deep.
So sadly dark.
But you are a refreshing light.
From your rivers I drink
drowning in your affection.
To be a god is easier
than to be a man
and to be anyone else
must surely be easier
than who I am.
But oh,
these words blindly speak.
Blindly I write
in spite of me.
Thoughts and words seem much easier
to come by in the dark-
as if they are not ashamed
because they know they cannot
be seen.
No fear of ridicule.
It is like the wild beast
Who only shows his face at night-
for this I am thankful.
8-25-2000
************************************
Potty trained am I?
God only knows
and no one knows why...
but here I sit
pondering shit-
dismal doom in the bottomless pit.
Pigeon shit outside my window-
fleas and mites in my pillows?
But these things worry me not.
All things are as they are.
And all things are perfect,
except the contempt of Man
and his 'brilliant plans'
to become a God.
And is he not a god?
Here it comes....
the same old shit.
Literally, I sit
on porcelain throne
on my own (God knows this
is a solitary duty)
for no one else could help me with it!
Sleepy eyes are far from me.
The night seems so endlessly
s l o w.
If only into dream I could go
to rest my tired bones.
But, Alas, the shit is done!
And I can now go back
to the darkness and comfort
of my bed.
But will sleep lay down my weary head?
8-25-2000
***********************************
Sunflower Eyes
You set my circuits burning-
a tingle up my spine,
whenever your body is close
and your lips meet mine.
Your skin is like ivory-
smooth as silk moonlight
dripping on my soul
and lapping up the night.
Wrap me in your affection-
smother me in kisses
and I'll show you immortal ecstasy
in the form of sensual bliss.
Oh the sunflowers in your eyes
they aim for the sun-
they grapple my heart
and again we merge as one.
Whenever you are near,
my body yearns and burns-
your essence is so very dear,
you make my world turn.
You set my circuits burning,
a tingle up my spine...
I'll wrap you in a blanket of bliss
if you show me you'll be mine.
I'll protect you, I'll love you
I'll caress you softly into the night
Ill make you a part of me
and we'll bathe in ecstatic light.
Forever- in a single moment
Forever- in a single night.
9-13-2000
*******************************
Cat Lady
I'm staring at the hordes of
people
walking in front of
behind beside
and around me...
they hustle by ignorant
of the cosmic situation.
Is it any wonder
they overlook the
Cat Lady-
purring as if she, too, were actually
feline?
Divine but untamed.
She, in her wheelchair
and unwashed clothes.
She, who, though lacking
any social status-
probably knows love more
than the masses.
I witness a lost soul trying to save
other lost souls.
The blind leading the blind.
The kittens squawl, sickly
from beneath her bosom-
their festering eyes producing
infection like cells giving birth.
It makes me sad.
And I kneel
to pet a healthy looking Tom,
Orange and beautiful
and I bump my pupils
on the tin can
that reads 'donations'.
So there's the catch.
Is it really sincere-
the whole idea,
or is it no less
corrupt than the
grey suited ones....
they and their cosmic Walmarts.
If a lost soul with
nothing to do
but guard her pride
needed a Cover,
would they go to that extent?
Nah.
I think I
have faith in the Crone.
And I am
Sure the poor
cats have
nothing
better
to do.
9-16-2000
*************************************
The Bubble
We were laying in the park
sun shining
upon us
hot and bright-
all the good things in life!
And then we saw it
coming towards us.
A small iridescent bubble-
and we watched it.
We followed its journey
across the park
and up
up
up
into the trees
till finally it disappeared.
It was magnificent.
It beckoned us on;
Its magnetic flight
engrossed us
while it lasted.
Seldom do we see
things as such.
Bubble-
free-
following the wind
as it breathes
till finally
its journey
comes to an end.
9-16-2000
****************************
Sometimes when you think
you are getting somewhere
on
the spiral
the plot thickens
and Life starts to seem
like a hazy memory.
I feel that way
a lot
these days.
I look to my left
and see two men.
One is an alcoholic
with a childish heart...
a man I watch
slowly fall apart.
The other
a sunflower field in midsummer
a brilliantly blazing figure
of beauty
reflecting only good heart.
He, whom my body resonates
at the sight...
He who has set the mermaid free.
But days like this
there are always two sides
to the story.
Sometimes when you imagine
that two paths
are interloping
and interwoven
you come to find two
completely different
worlds.
Days like this
you understand all that.
Does any day
really ever
begin?
What is night but another
dress
for the empress?
Its it Truth
I feel reflected
in that effervescent glow
that belongs
to the boy
with sunflower eyes?
Or is it my own face
praying that it
is?
September 16, 2000
*********************************
When I watch him sleep
I smile.
His calmness
his smoothness
comforts me.
He is like a small boy
holding my hand
ushered into dreamland
and I like it.
I like him next to me.
His body- soft but strong-
breathing gently.
His chest rising
and
falling
to the rhythm
of my heartbeat...
the heartbeat of eternity.
His arms still entwined
around mine
holding on
for the ride.
I will never let him fall.
I will always
catch him
and bathe him
in my love
and kisses
til he drifts off
to sleep
once again.
9-16-2000
*****************************
Within these walls within these walls
within these metal plated halls
I have crawled for centuries
please oh please set me free
from the cosmic penitentiary.
Oh now, the moon is doing fine
yes, the genies on her way
basking in the burning flame of day
wondering what her father would say.
9-16-2000
******************************
Crazy Lazy schizo
how does your garden grow?
Place me with your tulip lips
and watch how I blow.
Pieces of pieces
and lots of messes
and silly little puppet shows...
all these things
with me I bring
to plant your garden new.
Itsy bitsy Mitzy
fell into a fitsy
and threw her soul away;
inside, the pride,
did rot and dry
and fall into the grey.
'Enough of this'
said little Miss
as she sat upon her Tuffet
She gave the slaves
a brand new grave
and set them in a huffet.
Crazy lazy schizo
how does your garden grow?
Little pansies and upsy daisies
and roses filled with snow.
10-24-2000
**********************************
Whisked
away
like
smoke of grey
into
the
center of the
Day
...broken down
into sound
inside
the words
you say...
October 24 2000
******************************
Delusions or
Illusions or
Conclusions of craze
Seclusions and
Inclusions and
Intrusions of the grave...
wisp me
wasp me
whisk me away
fits and wits and strange of days
can cover up your musky daze
and slip you into
the maze
around and
around and
around you go
twiddle twaddle upsy daddle
until you find the show.
Decisions and
Precisions and
Incisions in the mind...
filled with pills
and killed with thrills
and left for the dead to find...
10-24-2000
*************************************
The essence of time
crawls up my spine
and forces me to see
that all is vain
from pleasure to pain
until your mind is free.
Trickling down,
the rhythmic sound
drenching my golden skin
tickling the brown
beneath the gown-
the crown of natural sin.
Inside the world
their lives a pearl
awaiting a day of peace-
dig in deep
and awaken from sleep
and the pearl shall be released.
But all in vain
the king shall reign
until the night has lifted
and the sun shall spray
its golden ray
upon the wise and gifted...
till all is won-
til we are one-
and the curse has been lifted.
10 -24-2000
************************************
I can't see the spiral
from this point
the landscape
absorbs me
and the confines of
creation
bind me
to a dream
and
the sinking begins
twi
sti
ng
Downwards till
the sun is dim
and
the horizon is blazen
with
questions
of why
but when the answer comes
my eyes are swollen shut and dry
10-24-2000
*****************************************
When days are cold and no one knows
And always the sun shines from your eyes
Oh, my sweet, where have
You gone
When winter pierces my lonely soul
If only time could take my hand
and lead me once again to you.
Where are the stars
When the sky is closed
From my sight by my darkness
Of heart.
If you can hear me now
Just give one small sign
And my eyes will close
In peaceful slumber.
December 2000
******************************
Who knows
and who cares
anyway
(some might say)
because only God
knows the way-
hmmm...
I'm only a child
weak in the knees
self contaminated speck
on deck
for a new kinda ride
stuck inside the high
wondering whispering watching
the clouds roll by
talking quietly
to myself
pulling the appendages off
my body
one after another
until I am just an inch
tall....
December 2000
********************************
BlissNinja 