Poetry from 1998
All poems copyright Charleen Johnston
*******************************************
They call you crazy-
and well, I guess I'm just me
cast away from reality
we sense conspiracy
but we say nothing
we see hypocrisy
but we do nothing
they call you immature
unworthy of credit
underachiever and schemer-
what do they know of you, of me?
We soar above
(in every aspect)
of all those simple minds,
and yet we have been anchored
to the ground
by them, slaves of routine.
We cannot win
not now,
but soon
in the end
we will prevail;
With their souls we cast no sale
and while our hearts may be impaled-
the satisfaction of victory
shall set us free,
you and me
(no, we're not crazy)
it is they who cannot see.
1998
******************
I once met a woman who shared
her secrets of love and devotion
and she cried when her heart mourned-
on her sleeve she wore her emotions.
And I spoke to her in light
of the way that I have been taught
to be wary of what others may do or say
for I accept my grievances as my own fault.
And this poor lady, she cried
and asked for my hand to hold,
and she grew more miserable by night
for she knew that she was growing old.
And I treated this meeting with caution
for I too may end up alone
not because of over-shown emotion-
but because of my desire to be on my own.
1-12-1998
*********************************
Lovers Desire
Oh, you know how my heart beats for you
you know that I would die for you
you know that I will always be there
but you must learn that I can not promise...
I can not give my hand to you
I can not sacrifice my freedom
to be bound by your love
but I can tell you of my dreams-
that I wish I could be the one
who holds your shivering hand
I wish I could be the one
who wipes away your tears
I wish I knew how to love
like you love
like others love
I wish that I could learn
to accept my own selfish greed for freedom
when I also long to be held by you
oh, if only you could see
how true my feelings are for you
but also understand my tendency
to disengage myself from passion
for fear
of being burned
by that great fire
of lovers desire.
1-12-1998
******************************
Never Serene
Imprisoned in my own confusion
anger strikes and I slowly fade
only a hunger survives in my soul
that keeps me from going insane
I hear voices from faceless plumes
I try to cover my ears
but the fury in my heart revives
and swells into hot tears
Only the presence of my desire
for things I could only dream
keeps my head spiraling free
of all things which aren't what they seem
If you can understand the way I feel
let me join your side
for now my heart is peeling sore
of its twisted, stinking hide
and the memory of the times
when happiness danced in my heart
has faded into a black nothing
and is slowly breaking apart
I ask you to follow me
or at least to understand
cool my flames and quench my thirst
as I lay my soul into your hand.
1-5-1998
*************************
I can still feel the fear that I felt in that moment.
That moment when all was lost for me-
It started out as usual- greedy lust and
young desire- but this time was different.
Watching Independence Day
with some Mazzy on in the background-
you try to bring me to heaven
but instead you start my slow caper towards
the pits of hell.
I can smell the candles burning-
and you are playing Mr.Slick Dick-
fucking around with my mind.
And then it hits me.
And you don't care.
And then I feel nothing.
It doesn't matter anymore-just go on and
do your thing. Don't mind me.
And I watched.
And listened.
While you loved.
Or just while you fucked....someone;
was that me?
1998
******************************
As the harsh winds blow I call to you
can you not hear my cries?
I have found my way home-
back to your heart, where love lies.
1998
********************************
Carry me
over the river
through your heart of eternal stone
do not
set me free
if I will be left to live alone.
1998
*******************************
In your eyes I sense an evil
a creature of the night
and the darkness of your laughter
keeps me frozen with fright
you smile though, to calm me
and try to talk sweetly
and hide your evil ways
But I was not born in a daze
and I am not dumb
though my face is numb
with terror
and fear
and I try to disappear
to escape you.
There is something deep
within your soul-
a fire and a stone
and a bottomless hole.
Evil lurks still, I know
behind those dark eyes
and though I hear your laughter
I sense bitter lies
which I despise
and I hide
from your charm
to free myself
of internal harm.
1998
****************************
My heart aches
vomit forms in the pit of
my stomach
my eyes are swollen
from the many tears
my heartbeat is rapid
much too rapid
to be normal
and why?
An accident?
Oui, un grand une...
mais, c'est un accident?
Maybe-
but either way
my heart aches
my stomach churns
like butter
my life is melting-
and only one can
help me
out
of this....
1998
****************************
The tears I can not release
this fear that I feel-
it's as if I am in a dream,
nothing seems real.
I pray that you will help me
understand my need
for you.
Who are you?
You are everything.
And never again
will I go against
your wishes
for my own needs.
Please,
just help me
let me live
normal
but
relieved of
this fear
that
has formed
inside
my heart.
1998
************************
X-ray vision
is a simple statement
to see through lies
and intense hatred
to understand immorality
and to like the pain
to seize pleasure
without personal gain
to accumulate pride
in a fashion of meekness
to undergo torture
to cure your weakness
x-ray vision
an unaccustomed desire
so many people
fail to perspire
to seek revenge
on the evil one
the vengeance owing
to all but none
can we become
what we see?
X-ray vision
setting us free?
1998
****************************
Psalms of love in a detesting time
ages of ruin and meaningless rhyme
songs of fear and shouts of dread
I feel your heart but I weep instead
I dream of you wrapped up in silk
no use crying over spilt milk
I wish for you in my arms
no use trying to undo these charms
feel me here, feel me now
tell me what, and I shall
force me to be alone, and I will cry
ask not of what I give, for I will die
send me no flowers made of silk
no use crying over spilt milk
1998
******************************
Conspiracy
it is everywhere
I breathe it in the air
I smell it in the street
I taste it when I eat
It dominates
it is a disguise
I see it in your eyes
I sense it in your fear
It followed me here
Conspiracy
it conquers all
I watch them fall
I learn to flee
when it comes for me
I cannot escape
conspiracy
1998
*********************
All of darkness covers me
it is embedded into my skin
it emerges only to laugh at me
to remind me of my sins.
I cry dry tears
I curse blank words
I feel as though for years
my cries have not been heard.
I was once so innocent
an angel to all who knew
but in these years I've spent
alone, dreaming of someone like you.
Enter who dares into this heart
and chance yourself with lies
you can heal my soul
if you sincerely try.
Now I must lie down
into the darkness in my soul
and when I'm in the ground
please, secure my eternal hole.
1998
****************************
Just pretend that you really care
And send your promise through the air
Clean your soul without a word
Kill the rumors you have heard
Depend on me to make you well
And I will save you from your hell
No one may witness my execution
Instead I give you one solution:
Eternal salvation and infinite care
Leave my side to solemnly stare
Death makes us innocent
And we forget the years we spent
Wondering if our lives are free
So now, come and die with me
Only you can help me through
Never pretend that I don't love you
Just remember that I truly care
Remorse is no more, it is you, I swear.
1998
*********************************
At times I cease to care
unconsciously I sit, unaware
others stare
not looking at me
for me, just because I am there
but- they are scared-
of my presence.
I will promise you, I swear,
that one day I will care
maybe not....
sometimes life hates me
and treats me like shit
no, that's not it-
maybe I treat life like shit?
I don't care
I like living unconscious
and unaware...
1998
************************
Are you worried
that you're like them
that your life
is built on sin?
Are you afraid
that you're a liar
that nothing you say
will ever matter?
Can I help you
become you?
Can you stop me
from being me?
Do I want to help?
Are you worried
that you are like them
that your life
comes not from within?
1998
*************************
The lights are out
I am fading
no one knows what it is like
can these clouds rain
on me
or am I protected
by a parapluie?
Quiet
the lights are out
maybe the door will
shut by itself
just tell me-
is the sky falling
or am I seeing things?
1998
****************************
I watched through my window and looked into your eyes
I noticed nothing more than the quickness time flies
I wiped the tears that stung now because I began to cry
and then I watched as you faded and slowly began to die
how can I go on living when all that I love is dead?
When can my suffering cease and end the pain in my head?
Where can I put this waste, this skin that I have shed?
Will you drink of me, thirsting for the blood I have bled?
Or will you turn your head way, sickened with disgust
leaving me crawling alone, drowning in the dust
I fight my way to the end, and find that I cannot trust
all the feelings I felt before have now turned to rust
I close the window where I have stood awake and in a dream
I divert my eyes from your body to watch the snow scream
as it runs down your body, making your skin gleam
now I know that what I see is not what it seems
I confront you through the glass, my protective wall
for if you strike at me, my life will surely fall
and my emotions will weaken and I will no longer crawl
I will suffer for you, or no one at all.
January 5, 1998
************************
Bitter (missing thoughts) of you
why are you (leaving) yourself?
Why do you leave (me) with
so many goodbyes?
You really (were) are my (best) friend.
1-5- 1998
*************************
I died in my Life but I Live in my Death
I am alone
not in life
but in death
I feel the stone
not of the earth
but of the meth
I am sorry
not for dying
but for being born
I am sincere
not in my words
but in the heart you have torn
now
I am silent
now I am faint
I can no longer hear the moans
I can no longer be your saint
so...
be true for me....please....
set my soul free
1-5-1998
************************
Forced into death
my mind is dark and cold
my eyes are closed
I have since grown old
now I must face the end
a time in which I must cry
I may suffer forever
yet my soul shall never die.
Carried into the night
by an angel of the light
I peer into your eyes
can you forgive my sins
and bury my dirty lies?
1998
*************************
Sitting here in my own emptiness
I focus my eyes on you
I see through your cloud of lies
and understand what is true
I find that you
are just like me-
you fail to understand
that others can see
and they do
and they wonder why
you cry
when one day you will die?
1998
**************************
In nakedness we sit
we savor the scent of blooming love
one which is fooled so easily
must not give so soon-
I trust in you
you believe In me
and our stolid nakedness begins to fade
we see ourselves as one
together
forever?
As the scent of desperation departs
and our hearts burn the threads
the fervor in my body returns
and cooks my soul.
In nakedness we sit
not ashamed
but in love
or what seems to be love
it must be love
because I have never felt this feeling
before
I have never longed to be touched
by an angel
who, in my eyes
and in a Sense
is you.
We so freely exchange glances
trying not to smile
ugliness does not exist
and beauty dances around us.
Have you ever dreamed love could be so grand?
If this is not love, it is hell-
because nothing else could feel so hot-
so much like fire
and there is no escape.
Once the heart succumbs to the
life of another-
it is over
freedom can never again be attained.
In nakedness we sit
but we move closer
dancing in one another's shadow
and thirsting for a caress
of gentle lullabies in our ears.
Swamped in choice
and led by none
we still smile.
No one moves
we are immobile
yet secure.
can love ever be acquitted?
So many speak of love
but I wonder-
have they ever felt like this?
Now I know why a heart
can break so easily-
because one careless mistake
to a starving lover
can drown a hearts pleasure
and chain the soul to regrets
we sit in nakedness
arm in arm
heart in heart
soul in soul.
This, I assume,
must be love.
1998
************************
I have been robbed of a gift
that I cherish-
those souls who detest my
existence
have won.
They have cheated me
and therefore have
surpassed the deception of
every other living soul.
I wept first in tears
and then in my heart
but for now I must be strong
and win.
I must not give up
for then everything
would be
for
Nothing.
1998
**********************************
A cold rain beats in rhythm with my tears
I have not yet overcome my fears
these torturing moments of unawareness
fill me with hatred and bitterness
what can I do but lie here soft and still
afraid that life will change so fast
beneath my feet.....
why does the day go by so slow?
When I try to pass it and go
through these halls inside my mind
that is where you will find
the tears.
The halls are flooded
and now pour freely upon
this sullen ground
where once I stood.......
1998
**********************
Part 1: Dead
gone from just hanging there to stiff on the ground
no mortal being can bring me back
only one....1
and now.....have I given up?
Have I lost my way entirely?
In their eyes-yes
in their eyes I am scum
I am no better than the drunkards-
the whores and heathens.
Inside myself I agree.
Part 2: Truth
will they even care?
(enough to lend a hand)
or will they turn their heads in disgust
or am I destined to rot
like the flesh of decaying carcasses
part 3: Nothing Left
1998
******************************
I have been thrown out of my own skin
I cannot hear my heart
as it beats from within
I can only hear regrets
not of my own
but of those who know
that they have deceived.
(me)?
I can not help but feel bitter
I can not shake this feeling
my heart is shut, no one may enter
do you know how I feel?
About you (or about me?)
or what I do that you cannot see
I feel threatened
but not by anyone-
by my existence.
I have been thrown out
of my soul
and now I am not whole
because the one thing I had
has been taken
and I didn't give permission.
1998
**********************
If our hearts should meet
If our hearts should meet
would you feel free to speak
of ancient skies and burning eyes
and of all the things you seek?
If your eyes should catch a stare
would you feel able to care
of the times and of the rhymes
which have kept you living unaware ?
If our love should crumble and cry
and the sun fall from the sky
would you believe or try to conceive
that our love was meant to die?
1998
*************************
We are all puppets
we spend life in the hands
of those who are above us
we cannot control our own lives
yet we must accept the consequences
and be happy
for being alive.
Decisions are made
on the basis of power
those whose names are known
and fame is sure-
they will arise and
become our better half.
But we who are meek
(not weak)
must defeat those
who think
that just because they
have power
they are right-
yes. We are all puppets
and now I must
cut my strings
and perhaps die-
for anything is better than being
led by drunken, greedy swine.
2- 1998
*********************
For JD
Je t'adore-et toi?
My heart has longed for you
since my lonely birth
I have searched for you
across the lonely earth
my head is spinning
my eyes are closing
I don't want to sound desperate
or crazy, or imposing
my life now is filled
with tender admiration
I yearn for your touch
with stubborn impatience
can I become a part of you
and make your heart feel
can I take your hand and run
and pretend that I am real
the night is cold but you are warm
and your eyes seem to glow
your caress is gentle and soft
and your words are calm and slow
am I not in heaven here
entangled in your embrace?
Is there a greater beauty
than the light upon your face?
I am enchanted by your veil
of empty, forgotten cries
I sense your fear of love
and I read terror in your eyes
when you come for me in the night
and we love till the late morn
I feel so helpless yet still
because my love is newly born
Shed a tear for me
and I will wipe it clear
cry into my arms
and I will ease your fear
my own worries are put on hold
they are nonexistent and free
I focus on your insecurities
as you focus upon me
In all my life I've never found
(and I've looked long and far)
a heart so pure and true-
you are my lucky star
believe me when I tell you this
for I've never said it before
I love you, in my heart-
yes, I have won the war
I always feared that I would die
old, bitter and alone
because I could not find
a soul to call my own
but you have come out of the dark
and taken me by surprise
and I now see and feel you
without my hands, without my eyes
no sense in the world
could know what I feel
no eyes, hands, nor ears
could ever seem so real
but yet my heart still wonders
what this love means
is it all make-believe?
Am I trapped in a dream?
To understand this question
I do not ask of you
to love me like I love you
but just to say you do.......
2-26-1998
*************************
I feel strongly within the world
its faint glow of disgust
traps me
and I cannot breathe
I struggle to break free
and then I cry-
I cry to god
I cry to anyone who will listen
but my tears are still wet
and they soak into my bed
my heart still is broken
yes my heart is now lead
the world in all its deals
the world, so unsure
can we not break free
of this disgust-
of this rusty indifference
the world is unkind
and my heart has experienced
death
what is there left
lonely, I sit and wonder
but what good
is wondering
if it
does
no
good?
2 -1998
******************************
Just tell me you care for me
and let my worry cease to be
call my name into the night
kiss my face and hold me tight
destroy suspicion and smile for me
always pretend to always be
what can I give you that you need
stricken love that lives to bleed?
Only you can mend my tears
no one else can calm my fears
just tell me you will care for me
return my love and set me free
first letter in each line
2- 1998
******************
I am standing on the edge of truth
if I jump, will you catch me?
Or will you let me fall
into my own hopeless despair
begging for another chance
to love you
I am regarding you as if you are a saint
you have come to protect
me.
But...
you fail to understand my need
for security
and you watch me as I stagger
through the path of life
unstable and unworthy
(of your love?)
but now
I am standing-
on the edge of goodbye
if I fall will you catch me?
Or will you let me die?
2- 1998
**************************
I hear the bells as they ring for me
during the night
as I dig my grave
I fear the hell that awaits me
after this life
where I have slaved
I taste the fear that covers me
as I prepare
for my final bid
I waste the tears that I have cried
because of you
and the love I could not rid
I smell the anger in the air
as the moon hangs
limply over my soul
I tell the stranger that I have been
to follow me
into my cemetery hole
I see the lies which I have told
throughout my life
of angry, bitter distrust
I feel the skies which I have known
and flown
only to avoid the dust
I feel the sin as it burns my heart
and blisters my soul
into a shattered mess
I peel the skin which covers my deceit
this internal core
of tattered flesh.
2- 1998
**********************************
I Awoke from my sleep and heard you cry
I whispered softly, I asked you why
you turned your head away from me
at that moment I could see
you are alone although I am here
my visible presence will not stop your tears
I decide to leave, it is the only way
and while I am gone I will pray
I will pray for you and for me
and for the love that ceased to be
for in my days of youth and play
I never once heard you say
'I will never leave you'
but now I know it is true
you would never leave, unless you died
you would rather suffer, despite your pride
but that's ok, because life goes on
and I am happy, yes, I have won
I no longer remember your face
I do not long for your embrace
I do not cry over the past
yes, I have recovered rather fast
but you- you come to me in pain
you yell at me, call me insane
but I am strong and do not fade
I ask you why our love was forbade
you answer me with a voice so weak
that I can not hear you when you speak
you then come close and whisper in my ear
and I feel the warmth of a single tear
as it slides down my cold cheek
and soaks into my heart, now weak
I break down and begin to cry
I realize that my love never died
I understand that my heart is for you
and I cannot stop it from being true
you whisper to me so soft in my ear
your words calm my only fear
my fear that you will die alone
yet that fear was not my own
you did not want to fade away
without a soul in the world to say
'he was a good man, true and sincere
he lived a good life through many a year'
yes, I answer, I will be there
I will love you true and fair
but only if you promise me
that you will never leave
that you will never cry again
that you will repent for your sins
that you will love me til I'm old
that you will cherish me more than gold
that you will hold me as I die
that you will look into my eyes
that you will stay forever with me
and love me always, hopelessly.
You take a deep breath and nod your head
now I know our love is not dead
I know that we were meant to be
and that happiness does not come for free
then you tell me, and promise it true-
“I shall walk beside you...
I shall hold your hand and sing
I shall give you everything
I shall make our love a song
the past is over, I admit I was wrong
those days were hard and I was weak
and there were times I could not speak
but I know you are my light
you are the fear I will not fight
you are the moon, you are the sun
in my heart you are the only one
you are the stars, you are the earth
I promise you all that I am worth
that my love is sincere and true
and I shall walk beside you.”
I cry so hard that you open your eyes
I know these words are not lies
I take your hand and kiss your face
and I long for your embrace
now I know my life is with you
and I am no longer feeling blue
….I love you
….only you
….and you love me too (?)
2-1998
***************************
Dehors toi, je suis rien
mais avec toi, je suis bien
tu es mon amoreaux
et mon amour est nouveau
volonte tu sejour avec moi
et lais moi bais toi?
Je ferai faire toi un roi-
ton coeur n'avras pas froid.
Je donnais toi mon ame
et j'ai confiance en toi, ami
tu m'adore, mon beau bouton?
Parlez-vous vraiment, mon miel puopon!!!!!
Pour Jacques avec l'amour
2-1998
**********************
I call to you
I am begging for help
sick and tired of your hell
of making love in a shell
life has no meaning
let there be rain
me and mine, meant for pain
die for belief-
my own relief?
2-1998
*************************
Carefully
I rub my hands
over your bare
body...
my lips caress your
sweet skin- and
I leave a trail
of happy tears...
my time is coming to an end
and soon, my friend
I must leave
you
and you will be alone
to be caressed by memory
and haunted by the vision
of my lips
upon your
soft, strong
body-
carefully....
you smile.
2-1998
***************************
Congratulations- on your degree
a doctor of hypocrisy
a prophet in a hateful world?
Listen up boys and girls
class has started, get in your seat
on your minds they will feast-
Congratulations- on your defense
a detective of suicidal ignorance
become the world in what you do
and feed the demons inside of you.
2-1998
*****************************
Someone new has found a way
inside my demented mind-
an unknown force known as a friend
has helped me leave life behind
I come in peace, just to hide
to run from all the demons inside
a fortress of hate
it locks me in
I shall die to end the sin
this battle is a fight I cannot win
Someone new that has no clue
is trapped inside my brain
maybe I can steal this heart
and leave this world of pain?
2-1998
*************************
Pretty as sin
she awaits
the thorns pierce
her tortured soul
the sun beats down
the pain is severe
her mind is filled
with immoral thoughts
will she ever win?
She is cast away
from the average whore
she has no key
to unlock the door-
pretty as sin, she awaits
thorns piercing her soul
now she descends forever
into an eternal black hole.
2-1998
*********************
I have a tendency to over-estimate
hearing voices that I create
although my life is somewhat complete
there is something I must defeat
ending this fear of truth and trust
savoring sweet the flaming lust
again I sense an air of pride
resulting from blood we have cried
are there reasons why we care
how many children grow up scared
how long will I hate society
only until there is no hypocrisy
lovers are the flame of passion
sensing wealth and sick fashion
in these streets of blood and dirt
no one escapes life unhurt
going to the limits, staking land
everlasting regret clutching my hand
rested lives of old and new
are dancing circles around me and you
no one sees or even hears
delightful words of increasing fears
my life has so far been slow
sending chills wherever I go
so now I am going to leave
I pray you remember how to breathe
pray for me, that I will win
eventually deceit will have to end.
2-1998
************************************
If I cry, will you wipe my tears
if I beg, will you comfort my fears
if I fall, will you give me your hand
if I were crazy, would you understand
if I leave, will you come too
if I promise, will it come true
if I ask, will you give
will you give your life so that I may live
is this too much to ask of you
are you unaware of what I can do
would you like to ask for an answer
to why I am so bitter
or do you know, like I know?
If you have emotion, will you let it show
can I touch your soul with my heart
can I unravel you and tear you apart
if all these things are worth that much
and you feel alone and other such
succumb to me and my pleasure
and be the one whose love I treasure
take this chance to be with me
and I will provide all you need.
2-1998
*************************
Keep me hidden
under your stars
and feed me lies
but do not care for me
for I am unable to
deal with truth-
the truth that
in reality
someone cares
for me;
accept this as it is-
there is nothing deeper-
no hidden
meaning.
Just hide me from you.
2-1998
************************
Capricious ways
Have stricken her
Acting on impulse
Reaching too far
Let her believe
Everyone has a star
End the lies and tell the truth
Nothing comes for free
2-1998
***************************
It is a lie
we don't die
we just cry
without
understanding why
life is a dream
that doesn't seem
to be
in good hands (mens hands)
humans suck
we kill a duck
just to gut it
and shut it
in the fridge
men are pigs
women are whores
crawling in on all fours
its a lie
you know it is
drowning in
a mouthful of jizz.
2-1998
*********************
I asked the heavens to forgive me
for being who I am
I am not human
I am not man
I am time that doesn't go away
I am forceful in what I say
I asked my mother
for some ham
she cried and asked me who I am
I could not tell her
I could not confide
she'd know then
that I was fried
and alone
with a poem
cause she doesn't know 'em
and she don't care
as long as the cigs
still are there
I asked myself
how do I fly?
Time don't know
-ask goodbye!
2-1998
************************
I love you because
you need me
I love you because
you bleed me
I love you because
you care
I love you because
you are always there
I love you always
I love you now
I love you greatly
yet I don't know how
I love your eyes
I love your skin
I love your body
and the heart within
I love you
because
you are you.
3-1-1998
************************
She awaits her death in a dark room
filled with memories and lies
she reaches out to a man
she cannot open her eyes
the man is human, yet not sane
he is a new invention
like all men he breaks her heart
without a single intention
she prepares to die in peace
but that he will never allow
so again she hurts, in the heart
and her life ends with a frown.
3-1-1998
***************************
She stands alone
her eyes
piercing
(like daggers?)
her posture is
stiff
she does not move
she focuses her glare
upon the world.
Is there anyone
in there-
(in her mind)
behind those eyes-
her mysterious stare
warns the world
beware-
there is a child
trapped in there
but where?
Maybe in her heart.
3-1-1998
****************************
She welcomes
anyone
into her heart-
she is not afraid
she is happy
and the sun
lights upon her face
and makes her
pale hair seem
to shine-
her shoulders are built
as if she
were a slave
but only to life
for death
is not a choice
she will hide
in her
happiness-
and avoid
the sharp knives
that pierce
the world.
3-1-1998
**********************
This is a poem for my father
who has taught me well-
who always let me cry-
who carried me when I fell-
who always smiled at me
who laughed at all times
who is the epitome of man
and the subject of this rhyme
this is for my father
whom I love so dear
whom I cherish with all my heart
whom I have no fear
my father; my father
who is wise
and strong, and plays
the guitar for so long-
my father whom I dedicate
this book-
(too bad my dad cant cook)
3-2-1998
********************
As calm as the ocean
she asks for praise
she cannot beg
it is not her way-
but in this time
she's been alone
savoring the effects
of the heightening stone
but now she must move on
to other ideals
she must ask for a way
to become real.
3-2-1998
*****************
I know a woman who thinks she is dead
she wanders aimlessly
inside her head
I know a woman
who thinks shes in hell
but if she's not dead
how can she tell?
I know a girl
who lives in her head
she has started to decay
but she is not yet dead.
I know a girl
I know a woman
I know myself to
I know that I am
not that girl, nor woman
for I have things to do
3-2-1998
***********************
The sun grapples me
and burns my heart
the wind chills me
and covers my heart
the night scares me
as I am weak
the future holds nothing
for those who are weak
I am a cow
herded with the rest
but one day I will sleep
inside my gentle nest
3-2-1998
****************************
Someone cried
when I died
but they denied
that they cried
why would they lie
about a cry
when someone will die
before they lie
somehow I knew
that people do
not care of you
or me too,
but that they pretend
that they're a friend
but in the end
it will ring true
that death will prove
a unique truth-
that men are swine
and blood is wine
to the drunk buzzards
who live in time.
3-2-1998
***************************
It's amazing that more people don't complain
about the sting of acid rain
about the fear that rests in their brain
about the life of endless pain
It's amazing that more people don't understand
the fact that the world doesn't belong to man
that people do what they do just because they can
and that this life is all a scam
It's amazing that more people don't complain
and ask why love and hate leave such a stain
in the minds of those forgotten, inside the brain
where memories roll in out of control, taking the lives
they claim,
It's amazing that more people don't cry
when they watch their loved ones die
they don't understand, nor ask why
but they watch the tears fall from the sky.
It's amazing more people don't agree
that life is made up of hypocrisy,
bigotry, and selfishness...don't you see?
That life is dying and death is me...
It's amazing that more people don't complain
about the limit of knowledge in their brain
about the love that men have slain
and left alone to rot in the rain.
1998
**************************************
The musician is playing the music
the tunes for the day I die
for the loudness of the pitch
I cannot hear your cry.
I am finished with this life
and my fate is now so near
I beg of you to play your song
silence is my only fear.
Like an animal I eat my kin-
stripping them of their skin
but soon the moon shall fade
and darkness shall cover my sins.
Life is without function to me
there is no purpose to being free
only just to pretend to care
while really you yearn to bleed.
I accept my fate as the music plays
I have begun to make my bed
I shall soon lie down In my grave
with thoughts of death in my head.
And the animal inside of me
is clawing out my heart
the fierce teeth that adorns its mouth
is ripping my soul apart
Goodbye, goodnight- I pray for you
that you will live true and fair
and yet I hope that when you die
I will be waiting there.
1998
*****************************
Pretty little girl sitting all alone
why do you look so sad?
What could possibly have happened
to make you feel so bad?
'Well, sir, my cat just died
and my dog ran away
thank you for your concern
but I think I'll be ok”
1998
****************************
I want what I cannot have
I need what I do not want
I hope that someday I will change
and leave this crypt that I haunt
One man has conquered my heart
this man who has no name
he fills me with every emotion
and with him I do the same
but still I have this feeling of New
where I need to be just Free
I need to chase and be chased
I need for you to follow me.
1998
**************************
I constantly say
that I love you
I continue to pray
for me and you
I can now read
deceit in your eyes
I pray your do not
attempt to lie
just tell me now of
your evil sin
against me
and my heart within
Is it me that
you really want
do you fear
this body I haunt?
I love you, dear
in more ways than one
I cannot live
with your deception
Can we not
be perfect now
if I forgive you?
If I know how?
1998
Written for two friends in the
midst of their drama
***************************
My ghost
All my life Ive been the host
they feed off me
and devour my ghost
they bleed my soul
and digest the roast
only to prove they are the worm.
My ghost peers into my eyes
I cannot see thru the lies
that threaten my future
and my past
and I hold onto the threads
that stitch my life
and fill my head
with hate and dread.
My ghost is grey
and my ghost is cold
and my past is bruised
and my future is old.
All my life Ive been the guest
Ive left my heart
with my soul to rest
my ghost is shy
and stays away
and awaits its turn
to be my prey.
1998
***************************
A poem for the victims
We cower in the corner
clutching what's left
of our battered souls
we starve for an explanation
to why we were abused-
we beg for evil to take its toll.
We try to understand the reasons
why we cannot be free
and we begin to question God.
But in the end we find we are still alone
and we may live forever...bound,
and we may regain trust in God.
1998
*******************************
I crawl inside my soul just to take a peek;
I fail to find the comfort and the closeness
that I seek.
I am stiff against the wall and I can
hear my heart beat;
in every corner that I hide
I see the faces of deceit.
I reappear into myself and leave
my soul behind;
I realize that the things I seek
I will never find.
I peer into my heart in hopes
to find life;
But the blood that runs through me
cuts me like a knife.
I close my eyes to ease the pain
and to find an escape;
But in every direction that I look
I stare into the eyes of rape.
1998
*****************************
Jacks Sonnet #1
From the eternal night you have appeared
your eyes are sincere, your words are sweet,
you are the man that I've always feared,
stolen from heaven to sweep me off my feet.
When you hold me, I feel at peace,
when you kiss me my body melts,
I am beauty and you are the beast;
you've stolen me from the place I've dwelt-
you have brought me here to love me-
to keep me as your own,
and now I've fallen too deep-
love so sweet I've never known.
Don't be afraid to take my life,
In love I will risk it, I will sacrifice.
1998
****************************
Jacks Sonnet #2
Oh, thou art the life that I endure,
thou art the holder of my heart
thou art my essence, sweet and pure;
thou keepeth my life from falling apart.
Oh, mine eye, have they been deceived?
Have you pierced my heart with love?
Thou hath justified the words that I've believed
with the grace and beauty of the dove.
Oh, precious one, thou art the light in mine eyes
thou art the warmth in my soul.
Thou art the stars in my skies-
whose advice I accept without toll.
Wherefore doth my heart long for your touch?
Oh, so simple it is; because I love you so much.
1998
******************************
Cycles of Chaos
The knife twists in the flesh
the sky fills with blood
life oscillates in time
the young drown in mud.
Poetry of the seasons
and constant fearless rhyme
belong to the heavens-
a wall we cannot climb.
The cycles of chaos continue
the knife cuts deeper within
the muscle of time weakens
and the soul leaks its sins.
Laughter sounds far away
pain is felt like an itch
people complain, they argue
'isn't life a bitch?'
Compulsive liars are kings
serial killers are saints
these cycles of chaos
deserve no complaints.
The knife drops to the ground
the thread is cut free
these cycles of chaos end
as life ceases to be.
1998
*****************************
The empty bodies stand at rest-
casualties of their own flesh.
The thickness of the blood swells
into the crypt where the demon dwells.
The lair is filled with forgotten bones
broken and bruised by the stones.
The bodies now are in a row
waiting for their souls to show.
But as a carcass begins to rot
the bodies realize what they are not;
Alive is the way, and all too few
actually understand what demons do.
They crave the soul and will not rest
until they rot your empty flesh
and reign in the crypt of the demon king-
the lair that unravels everything...
including life, which we hold onto;
prepare to fight the demons inside you.
1998
****************************
The lamplight flickers
and glares on my pen
I lie here alone
somewhat calm
somewhat hysterical.
I feel almost empty-
and then I feel full-
something tells me
that happiness
is near.
Can I grasp it?
Will I try?
Will I experience it before I
DIE?
The light goes out
(but only in my mind)
for I have no room
for light-
only darkness
feels like home.
Goodnight.
1998
***************************
When you are near
When it is that time
to wake up each day
and the sun chases
the moon away
I open my eyes
and I wander through
the dusky morning
in search of you.
The most rapid sound
that you'll ever hear
is the sound of my heart
when you are near.
Your daze settles on me
and penetrates my soul within
while my heart goes crazy
pulsating through my skin.
And I long to touch you-
to kiss your sweet lips
but I have long given up
on romancing relationships.
So I stare wide eyed
writhing with fear-
basking in your presence
when you are near.
But never shall I touch
and never will I feel-
instead I shall lie sleeping
pretending you are real.
1998
*****************************
Amputation day
Amputation day. The doctor is in.
The patients await their turn
while they practice their zen.
The moon is full. The day is gone.
The sun will return before too long.
Blood and disease adorn the floors
the beds are covered, as are the sheets,
the wounded arrive as if in driving fleets.
Buddha is speaking. The Dali Lhama is here.
No time to think of fear.
No time for regrets. No time for sorrow.
No time for remorse, there will be no tomorrow.
There will be the lucky ones,
they will survive, but in the end
they'll wish they'd died.
Amputation day. Limb by limb.
Death awaits, in the room next door.
The patients wonder what they lived for.
Death just smiles. He is wise.
Soon death shall close their eyes.
He is a friend, he is a foe,
he shall escort their souls
to a place where no one wants to go.
He prays on fear, he leaches to pain.
He shall drink their spirit
as one may drink the rain.
Amputation day. Time is through.
No death shall come for you.
1998
********************************
A New Light
Like the winter breeze you chill my soul
but instead of blowing
you crawl up from the floor...
your coldness touches me.
I am moved by your attempt to remain alone
though we both know
that you are miserable.
The heat of the fire from my heart
begins to melt the ice
which has formed around your body
and you are now soaked in desire-
desire to touch me
to feel my passion-
to know me.
And like the sun on a winters day
I am reflecting upon you
and I have almost become a mirror
to your own identity.
Thank me, for I have opened your heart.
I have given you warmth.
I have broken down those ancient glaciers
which encrusted your heart.
Thank me, for I am your joy
I am your pleasure-
without me you are nothing
and yet with me you are bound-
chained to your love for me...
a prisoner of your own desire-
all because I have opened your eyes
to a world of beauty...
and I could walk away at any moment
from you- from us-
but I shall walk this road by your side
to keep that desert from freezing over.
1-12-1998
***********************************
I want to tell you that I don't hate you and I don't hold a grudge-
I want to tell you that I will always feel for you somewhat.
You were my first love and even though it didn't last I no longer care-
I care not what you do in life or who you do or when or where.
But I do wish you all the best and I hope you get yourself straight-
in me I hold no lost regrets or madness or feelings of hate.
Maybe we could even be friends and in the end we could forgive-
you hurt me and I hurt you but we must all hurt to live.
1998
***************************
The last delirium
2:30 am . No one is home but Who
When had already left at a quarter til two.
Who had a headache- a tumor it seemed.
He looked, but Who could not find When (screamed
in fear) because he was alone (it was all the same)-
the dots grew larger. They called his name
but Who could not hear, Who could not speak
Who could not breathe; Whos' soul leaked.
The headache exploded and left Who alone
but the termite of Time was eating his bones.
Withered he stood- Who was a man
but When had forgotten to tell him the plan
(to live and to die) but Who knew
and how Who knew When did not know
but Who suffered no more, he was now dead
and millions of ants crawled from his head
and flies and maggots and blood
and small children covered in mud.
And When now wished he had believed him-
for Who now suffered his last delirium.
1998
********************************
The pin has dropped
the eclipse is full, and my mind reels
in frustration,
crypts of corruption are turned to cities.
Cities filled with slaves
of broken dreams.
The world is pregnant
and there is no doctor to deliver-
when silence is deep
and the pin is heard
the crypts crumble into catacombs.
The cemetery where life begins;
where life begins
so much corruption end.
1998
*******************************
Uncradled Emptiness
She smiles despite her tears-
she will not let them win;
a personal haven of emptiness
so clean yet full of sin.
As they hang her from the cord
A strip of endless pain
She chooses to die proud
She will not lose this game.
Her tears form an ocean
Its waters deep and dark
And in it her soul drowns,
piece by piece she falls apart.
Will she live or will she die
Does she even care?
She faces a question so deep,
and she does it unaware.
1998
**************************
Once again I've been ripped apart
piece by piece, thread by thread
the despair is gone, as is the anger-
no emotion now- my heart is dead.
“ It is so easy” - and yet still
the hole gapes- waiting to be filled.
Desperation will not suffice-
tears bring only pain
and yet my mind reels in frustration-
no explanation -only regret remains.
“Queen of the legacy” or
doctor of hypocrisy
is it that hard to see?
Is it just me?
Have my eyes been blinded
and senses forced to a halt?
Is it me or they who hold the fault?
I search blindly for the pieces,
the threads of my soul
which have been torn relentlessly;
death remains the highest toll
for the chances they have stole.
Craziness. Is it true to say
that hypocrites always get their way?
Must be.
1998
************************
Creeping through
her heart, I eat
away the pain,
like a disease I
spread, like a
plant withering
in the rain,
I leave my mark behind.
Yet she is unconscious
and I have nothing
left to
hide.
4-20-98
**************************
Goodbye
Oh, so hard it is to say goodbye
to a heart that longs to be so near;
To love is to watch the cherished die
reviving the hope that life has seared.
Oh , so strong is loves great bond
two lovers joined in heartfelt pleas;
how fearful is the world beyond
that keeps us begging on our knees.
4 1998
***************************
Casual Inconsistency (1)
It crashed. My skull was shattered.
You said you loved me and I was flattered.
I believed you when I saw your tears.
But three words won't suppress my fears-
fears that you will run away.
It is too dangerous here for you to stay.
And so it crashed (and how hard it hit)!
The reality that I was too stubborn to admit.
But now you are gone. Hell, so am I.
The days are hard but I do not cry.
Never again will I fall so quick.
love so deep to make one sick.
But now as the day turns to eternal night,
I must claim defeat from this emotional fight.
The chain is tight, I cannot breathe-
my muffled cries you do not perceive.
My heart is bound and cannot be freed,
I am drawn into your carnivorous greed.
It crashed. I am dead. My life a memory-
A hollow crypt of casual inconsistency.
4-21-98
********************************
Casual Inconsistency (2)
It crashed. My skull was shattered.
You said you loved me and I was flattered.
I believed you when I saw your tears.
But three words wont suppress my fears-
fears that you will run away.
It is too dangerous here for you to stay.
And so it crashed (and how hard it it)!
The reality that I was too stubborn to admit.
But now you are gone. Hell, so am I.
The days are hard but I do not cry.
Never again will I fall so quick.
love so deep to make one sick.
It crashed. My mortal appearance left behind.
Searching for the world that I would never find.
I wither away in the dark of night.
Afraid to face the morning light.
Will this life ever end?
Will you even miss me, friend?
Your hypocrisy makes my blood run cold.
Motionless I stand. My body grows old.
In my heart I know that I will always be
suffering from your casual inconsistency.
4-23-98
******************************
A picture speaks a thousand words.
Things that I refuse to tell,
lest let my heart bleed clean
and let my soul rot in hell.
A picture speaks a thousand lies-
lies that no one but you believes
The story of your life is sad
and it forces me into dry heaves.
A picture speaks a thousand thoughts,
images unknown to your mind,
and I will let you suffer now
because I cannot leave life behind.
In short I tell you be true to life
for death can be your hell
and I can speak of better things
than pictures could ever tell
And in the end you will know
that I am the only one
I am fear, and I am pain
and again, I have won.
Sacrifice your heart and die
and you will die alone.
I will still look to find
a bride to satisfy my throne.
4 1998
**************************
If I had a clue
I would spend my life with you
I would understand the way you feel
and maybe then start to deal
with the reality of the love you give
to me, and the life that I live
is so unaware, and so naive-
all the fears that I conceive
could be, and will, yet not so soon;
for now I see the light of the moon
as it glows upon your face
I feel I am such a disgrace
If I had a clue to what is best
I would cherish you more than the rest
but young and stupid I fail to fall
in love with you; I am appalled
by your willingness to submit
your love for me- a loss of wit?
I wish that I could care for you
the way you feel for me- so true?
And I cry to see you hurt so bad
because I cannot give to you all I have.
Only you deserve my care and devotion
but not now; I must conceal emotion
from you, from the world
so that my heart be not hurled
into the pit of scum that is reality.
to change (I cannot) would be a clue-
And then I would spend my life with you.
4 1998
**********************************
A bowl full of cockroaches and a world full of bull
insanity and psychosis is the one best rule
torture and craze fills everyones mind
truth and justice is too hard to find
would it be too harsh to insist on pain
to cure the boredom of lifes' big game?
Is love the answer that would prevail
or is hatred the tool that keeps minds stale?
Once there was a fire which burned-
it killed and maimed, it took its turn
and before long the city just died
people sat scared but no one cried
Then from the sky an angel fell
and promised the earth soon would be hell
and then it left and never returned
as people remembered the city that burned
and the children who cried, who played
and the families who left, and those who stayed
but once time comes to a stopping point
people will feel evil inside every joint
and their minds shall wither to nothing at all
while their hearts and fears continue to stall
So let this be a lesson to all who dare
to look inside the world and actually care
that life will end and no one will remain
there will come an end to this stupid game
and then once and for all love will reign
and hatred will be lost with the acid rain.
4 1998
*****************************
I am silently moving in the
shadows...
watching you.
I desire your presence
yet I cannot
bare to approach-
love- it seems- does not know me
it has abandoned
me
and left me
hiding-
lurking in the shadows
following
you.
4 1998
****************************
In a crevice of dreams I sit
waiting for my soul to be reaped;
I do not move nor speak
on top of the pile I am heaped.
The garden above is dense;
the plants begin to fade-
the serpent now takes over
we have lost the game we've played.
The planet rotates in full;
the sun shines each day
the air is warm and humid
the earth is mud and clay
and in this crevice of broken dreams
I waste away in sorrow
I take my fate as it comes
I do not live for tomorrow
The serpent comes slowly,
his eyes are set on me
his great jaws open....
and in the garden I am free.
4 1998
**************************
It leaks from our pores
like pure sweet honey
dripping like water
on our souls...
it forms in our bodies
an ulcer of pain
a great sore that
makes us vulnerable...
it passes like the flu
and sometimes leaves
its mark, but once it
settles on you
you cannot deny
that this great
disease
is eternal...
and it cannot be cured.
For this feeling which
is spread so far
is nothing
more than
love.
4 1998
*****************************
Butterfly
In its wings
we find
peace. We
see grace.
We feel love.
In its peace we sense fear. In
its grace we feel secure. In
its love we find ourselves.
We yearn
to be this
free. This
pure.
With
its grace
it makes
us want.
It enchants
us and
makes us happy. It goes from
being a simple creature
to a
beautiful specimen. The
metamorphosis not
only changes
it...but it
also
changes Us.
4 1998
*************************
Deep in thought we see ourselves
Adapting to everything and everyone
Never do we look away in disgust
At someone who is different than us
Just as winter flows into spring
Or day fades into the night
Hearts climb that wall to love
Never retreating from the fight.
Some things never work out...
Times are not what they seem
Or we feel as though no matter what
Nothing can set us free.
In love as in war, there is a hope
Like a child with a dream
On every mountain there is a peak
Very prominent, as it seems.
Embodying love is to Cherish, to care
You will find a sweetness there
Or else you will fail to see
Unless you are in love, like me.
4 1998
************************
Pure hearts are calm hearts
false hearts are quick hearts
true love is trusting love
puppy love is jealous love
what are you?
What am I?
4 24 1998
****************************
I am proud to announce
that I have fallen
I feel my bones breaking
my ass is swollen
the bruises I have endured
have made me strong
The lacerations on my skin
tell me that we belong
The way my heart beats
the way it pounds
tells me that your'e the one
the peace that I have found
I try to raise my body
from this sullen earth
I have fallen from the sky
I have fallen since my birth
and now although I am weak
I have the strength to breathe
although I have admitted my guilt
my heart refuses to leave
I am proud to announce
that my heart has fallen
I feel my blood, warm and pure
and my soul is no longer sullen
4 24 1998
***************************
I trust in you
you trust in me
you understand
what I see
I feel you
you feel me
hearts are true
and mine is free
4 24 1998
***********************
There was a lady from Luray
she went to work ever day
her health was poor
and fingers sore
and she never had time to play
4 24 1998
*****************************
He who lives and he who dies
tells the truth and hides the lies
a terror unborn wretched and old
lives in beauty, health and gold
under the pools of dark fury
the hunger dies, the truth will bury
simple minds to gather the dust
built on fear and broken trust
the young will know the old will learn
as their souls await their turn
gripped by fear never released
to be fed to that hungry beast
known to you as the angel of doom
needing a bride to secure the groom
before the end, the day you'll learn
that earth is hell and you will burn
4 1998
*******************************
She throws her friends into the dark
she lets her life slip away
the friends she no longer needs
have long run out of things to say.
Like a lost kitten she wanders
she will go with anyone at all
and we watch her in silence
as we witness her life fall.
She carries the seed of evil
its roots are attached firm
she withers away in the mind
overtaken by Lifes' great germ.
She begs for help without speaking
she thinks that no one cares
but the longer that she lives this way
the longer she shall stay unaware.
Her pride and her life are at an end
both slipping down the drain
She's been through all this once
but now its time for her refrain.
Come, oh angels of life, and look upon her face
let her know that we are here to offer up our solace
and let us guide her through this hell
and get her back into the right place.
5-7-1998
****************************
The Olympian
I am watching the crowd-
the look upon their faces
then the gun rings loud
and we take our places.
Nine runners in the final heat-
my heart starts to flutter
'I've practiced hard for this meet'
I think with a shudder.
So far I've come, so many years
so many days and nights of sweat
and now I smile through my tears
as the starter says 'get set'.
I divert my thoughts to the track
the finish line seems so far
just 400 meters, without looking back-
listening to feet pounding tar.
The gun goes off and my legs stride
ahead of the pack is where I need to be
I cannot let down my own pride
I must win, I must break free.
Just ten meters left and I am ahead
but only a step in front of the pack
I cross the line, just like I said,
I've won the Olympics and I'm not even black.
5-7-1998
******************************
She parades around pathetically
in her own little world
Nothing or no one can touch her
on the inside.
Even love is cautious to enter
her heart
and that unbearable emptiness
settles and begins to ooze
from her pores.
The world doesn't understand
that she asks for nothing
but she wants everything.
She is celestial to some-
something they wish to acquire
to quench their desire,
but still to others she
can be quite sardonic.
And who can blame her?
For this life we must just
continue to let her
walk around unknowing
of love, and uncaring
of life- and we
must watch the emptiness
drip from her flesh.
1998
***********************
Encrusted with lies
overtaken by guilt
she awakens alone
her heart in shreds
she once was beautiful
but she now lies weak
in tear stained sheets
too tired to move
too weak to cry
hanging on to the shreds
of her life
she doesn't want to die
she wants to apologize
to the one man
who loved her
whom she tore apart
limb by limb
because of her selfish desire
for freedom
6 18 1998
**************************
To a certain Jeff
You are the kismet of my desire-
there is something about you that fuels my fire.
Could it be your apathy-
your careless approach to life?
Your innocence distracts me
It kind of keeps me wrapped.
You see me as a bullshitter-
my words are full of crap.
But you know you want it from me-
you know I'll show you ecstasy...
but it is love that you fear,
the kind of love offered here.
But don't run from sensation-
you are bound to finally feel
and if it is your fate
then it is your heart I will steal.
And if it is your desire-
your innocence shall soon fade.
And you will finally be free
though our love will be forbade
you are the kismet of my desire
I fancy you and I know you fancy me
So why do you still hide?
Just come to me and confess-
don't be afraid to trespass...
these gates won't lock you in
for they are welded with desire
if you're looking for exotic
you must look into my eyes
and if your asking for erotic
well, you could be a lucky guy.
Just give in and come to me
and let your dreams become reality.
1998
*****************************
Loving Mace
He comes to me to search for his soul
and I comfort him without toll
he tells me no one has ever been real
and that people do not feel.
But I tell him of all I've seen
and all the places and things I dream
and I tell him he is perfect and pure
and if life is a disease he is the cure.
He just looks at me deep in my eyes
and for the first time I realize
that within me there is a fire
and that it is he whom I desire.
He undresses me with his lust
and in his innocence I begin to trust
I sense fear as he lies nude
I am far from his average prude.
I take his desire into my soul
as I slowly discover a gaping hole
that has been waiting just to be filled.
And so I work and love and begin to fill
Then from my flesh his soul arises
and creeps into his own eyes.
It crawls deep inside those walls
which have been broken since love called.
Please forgive me and let me repent
for stealing his unwanted innocence.
June 1998
****************************
Is it crazy to even care?
Should I have been left unaware?
Should everyone that desires me be able to deceive me?
I am afraid now to be alone- to trust again would be a sin.
But I must get past this obstacle and reach my dream,
And I shall not think about those things which are not what they seem...
1998
****************************
I have felt death
swollen from limb to limb
aching eyes closed to the world
forced to live another day longer
and I have known death-
known his mind
his expressions of apathy for life..
his hatred for the world.
And I lay here
dying
in my own hell.
I pray to go
to destroy life
for he who feels such pain as mine
would rather die at any time.
8-1998
***************************
Dream IV
I was walking to the doorstep
of my minds best friend
when I stopped to see a dove
perched on a limb
as I stared at the bird
I then began to cry
and I knew that to live
each one must die
and I prayed for an angel
to deliver me from my hell
of personal dysfunction
and things I could not tell
and my own haven of emptiness
then began to fade
because a savior of hearts
in my bed now laid
and I looked into heaven
when I looked into his eyes
because there was a truth there
and truth never dies
and he reached deep inside me
and clutched my young heart
he mended all my wounds
and gave me a new start
and my soul cried out
for this angel, this light
to look after it and protect it
from the thieves of the night.
and on I walked through the day
and dodged the wind and rain
and I made it to the doorstep
in blinding empty pain
because I feared he'd run away
and leave my soul behind
and again I would be left alone
inside the emptiness of my own mind.
I feared the wrath of God
that I would pay now for my sins
so when I arrived finally
I missed the thoughts of him.
and I entered into peaceful night
and slept into the day
and the calmness of my heart
chased my fears away
because my heart knew all too well
that he would never leave
and I had faith in this angel
that he would not deceive
and so I staggered gratefully
to the temple of my own soul
and I prayed again for the one man
who could make my life whole
and now I wait in silence
for my angel to appear-
and until I meet my own death
I shall be waiting here...
will he come?
8.30.98
*************************
I thought I had you wrapped-
I thought you were in deep.
I told you that I loved you
and my promise I did keep.
But things can change at any time
Life isn't always fair
And though I had to leave you
you knew I'd always be right there.
And now it is me who cries
because I miss you so much
You were supposed to always care-
to always keep in touch.
You said that you loved me
and you said that love was real
you said that nothing or no one
could ever change how you feel.
But then I got selfish
And wanted what I couldn't have
And I let you go so easily-
while you cried I laughed.
And now whose tears are falling?
And now who is at the end?
I never meant to hurt you
I didn't want our friendship to end.
I guess I can't always have it all
I guess it's time to let go
But I regret every hurting you
I love you, and I just wanted you to know.
1998
*********************************
Angel Whore
I am an angel whore
I ask for it
and want more and more
and the more I want
the less I need
and the more I get
the deeper my greed
and I am still
an angel whore
my heart of rapture
is but the core
and the need
and the desire
and the pursuit
shall all tire
and the day shall come
when I've left this rut
and risen above
the average slut
the sky is stained
with angel cum
and my heart is cold
and bitter numb.
1998
********************************
Her
Jealous freaks
cross the creeks
of hope and desire
in hopes of reaching Her.
But insanity leaks
and madness speaks
before they ever reach Her.
Some have cried
and others died
when they could not get through
the swampy waters of Her.
And yet they tried
and prayed and sighed
and didn't know what to do
to gain the respect of Her.
One man crossed
when trust he tossed
and risked his life to be
the man who would save Her.
But all was lost
with love the cost
when he tried to live for free
inside the walls of Her.
And now the creek
is wavering weak
and no water runs through
the emptiness of Her.
And she lies meek
and does not speak
and does not know what to do
with the tangled mess of Her.
1998
****************************
I stare at you
cross-eyed
access
has been denied
the door is locked
and I'm shut out
nothing to do
but sit and pout
I feel for you
empty handed
I've given you
all you've demanded
Alone
I sit and cry
I am afraid
to say goodbye
even though
I am sure
that you
are the disease
without a cure
I still beg
on my knees
while you joke
and hide and tease
and I stare
now blind
at the lover
I left behind.
10-7-1998
****************************
A Dream(...of Nate)
I had a dream about you
you were climbing this huge wall
and you were trying to reach
the other side.
You were yelling my name.
I just sat on the other side,
Laughing.
I wanted you to fall.
I wanted you to break your leg
I wanted you to die.
You kept climbing
trying to reach
Me.
But the closer you got,
the farther away I stood.
And you didn't fall.
You refused to fall.
You held on barely,
so that you would live.
And I tried everything to make
you fall.
So that you would be heaped
into the pile with
All
The others.
I screamed, I cried.
I tried and tried.
I decided just to smile at you.
With my red lips.
And my blue eyes,
staring into your soul.
My hair blowing in the wind,
And my voice calling to you,
silently.
Smiling.
Just smiling.
And you slipped.
You began to fall,
but once again caught yourself.
And forever I will be
on the opposite side
from you.
Demanding that you love me.
And you say that you do.
And you plead to me
to let you fall
without getting hurt.
And I warn you of the consequences,
but as much as I warn
I want you closer...
I want to love you.
I want to hold you.
I want to pretend you will never leave.
But I know
that you know
that is just a dream
A dream inside a dream.
And then I woke up.
And I saw you lying next to me
in bed.
And I got scared.
I wanted to run,
to save myself from regret,
and to save you from
that great fall.
Instead of running, though,
I stayed.
And I prayed.
I prayed for you and for me.
And then you disappeared.
But I still hear your voice
occasionally.
And the more I hear it,
the more I miss you
and so I keep praying
for my angel
to take me out
of
this world,
and put
Me
into
His.
10-11-1998
*********************************
Ballad of the Nymphs
Twenty one
forest nymphs
standing outside my soul
trying to break
the crusty shell
that keeps my body whole.
Fifteen times
I tell them how
to eat my inner flesh
and for hours they feast
with lusty greed
and turn my soul to mush.
I begin to crack
and fall apart
so I cry to my dear angel
“make them stop
or I shall die
and my spirit shall be mangled”
and in return they said:
“on we tread
in light and dark
to gain this species love-
and down this road
and path of gold
we shall pierce the soul”
again I speak:
“away from me
you little nymphs
who pester me and drill
your little claws
into my skin-
in bursts of pain I feel”.
Down they crawl
into my pores
and drink my blood within
and I fall to my knees
and beg to God
to help me please-
to relieve my dirty sins.
And as he hears,
the nymphs, they run
and leave my body alone.
And I lay dying
in tiny strips-
my blood upon the stones.
1998
********************************
Lusty Heathens
Creatures they are
born of the night
stealing the innocence
and holding it tight
crying out in lust
pure greed
and tiring cries
that seem to feed and feed.
We are lusty heathens
Love is not the game
we play with your hearts
and we wallow in shame.
We care not of the price
which soon we shall pay
and we lust and grasp
and sleep the day away.
Creatures we are
in body and mind
leaving our purpose
for life behind.
Sweaty love and dirty trust
satisfying slumber...
Give in to your lust
and now we are free
to be the heathens
we were meant to be.
11-1998
************************
Another
has entered my
realm of fun
I shall devour and
tear till my
feast is done-
This one will take some
time- this time
I must chase-
but once I've got him
in my grasp
I shall swallow whole
his face-
And I shall rip from
thread to thread-
while he lay moaning
in his soft bed.
For once inside this
realm of mine-
he shall feel
chills run down his spine.
1998
*********************************
Daddy is gone
now I will eat you
no big papa
to protect you.
I will chase you down
and tear you apart
and eat your flesh
and chew your heart.
No one is left
to protect you
my dear
my dear
I am the whore
I am the want of you
And you will give in
to temptation
to the sin
because daddy is gone
and you are alone
and I will eat you,
silent and alone.
1998
***************************
Oh how I wanted you that first night-
and how sweet your full lips tasted,
I wouldn't trade those moments
for anything in the world.
Your hands, soft and smooth, exploring
everywhere that had been forgotten.
Your eyes gazing into mine
with such affection
and gentle desire.
From that moment on
I knew you could give me ecstasy.
I wanted erotic and I got it.
And you were great-
your manhood joining me as one.
And so it went for what seemed years.
And each time was better.
I must thank you for such
memories. Such pleasures.
God knows I am only human.
1998
**********************
I am your fantasy
I am your dream
I am the answer
you've searched for in vain
I am the goddess
I am the queen
I am the tormentor
who has you on your knees
I am your prize
and you are my game
I play you like poker
no hand is ever the same
I am your fascination
I am your piece of mind
I am the bad habit
you can't leave behind
I am the dragon
and you are the knight
you try your best to kill me
but you cannot win this fight
I come to you in the night
I crawl inside your head
you try to be rid of me
but you are chained to your bed
I look out thru your eyes
and I feel your beating heart
and I know that piece by piece
It is falling apart
You try not to fall-
you know that it is sin
but you crawl back to me
again and again
I am your paradise
I am your escape
I am the angel
in the demons cape
I am the seed
and you are the soil
in you I have found my roots
and I cause your mind to boil
I am your pleasure
and I am your pain
you are unAble
and I am Cain
I am your confidence
I am your pride
I can see thru you
there is nothing you can hide
So succumb to me
give in to desire
let yourself burn
in my eyes of fire.
11-23-1998
********************************
And still you hold my hand
I openly defy your attempts to grasp my heart.
To make me love again is simply not an art.
My faith in love has perished into forgotten lands-
and still, you hold my hand.
You try to convince me that you're the one I will always need
but I am stubborn and unaware and your heart continues to bleed.
I wish I could surrender but your hungry soul I shall withstand
and still, you hold my hand
I try to run away so that my heart may live-
but I have suffered a loss so great that I cannot forgive.
And though I will run from you until I am old-
it is my hand that you still continue to hold.
If I give in to you and accept your eternal care
I may become weakened, suspicious and scared.
And as I push you away just as Ive planned
you still continue to hold my aching hand.
1998
*******************************
Dark Angel
Are we one, united by desire
You so free, and me the liar
Not a moment passes each day in
An unconventionally pleasing way
Angel come to me and surrender your trust
Of love and hope and greedy lust
The time is now for you and me
Dark angel, please give your soul to me
1998
**************************
To Those of my passion
Have I really cared for you
and your stubborn lust?
Were those feelings of desire
weakened by sick distrust?
Was I using you or
were you using me?
The answer lays so plainly
that a blind man could see.
You were using me
for your own subtle desire...
While I in turn betrayed you
inside my hearts strong fire.
I hate you and I thank you
for all you've given and taken...
and I regret using those words
of hopeless love mistaken.
So pretend if you must
that you were so slick-
But I have known all along
that you were just a prick.
And though now I am ahead
while you struggle to hold on
I wish you the best in life
from the dusk til the dawn.
And to all other of my passion
for whom I did not weep-
I shall cherish all the memories
and store them forever to keep.
1998
********************************
At times I still think of you-
I wonder where you are-
and sometimes I wish I knew
what you were doing and how you are.
But time keeps on passing
and I still dream of you-
you must have been an angel-
the stories must be true.
Wherever you are I hope you are well
and I wish I could've known
what kind of person you were inside
I wish I could've been your own.
For now I'll keep on dreaming
and pray to see you again
although you weren't perfect
you were my angel within.
1998
*****************************
I am bound
to bear the mark of you
Unconsciously I exhibit deception
and though I dissociate
from the memory
I still know...
and I still feel.
I am forced to hate you
although I know
-that I don't hate you-
but
I am bound
by my denial
to regard your friendship
as pure and true-
even though
I still know
that I am trying hard
not
to forgive you.
12 1998
*********************
I feel as though
I am being picked apart
by some beast-
some man who
knows no consequence.
I feel so betrayed
by some beast-
some man with no conscience.
Will I ever forget this horror
this realty
this nightmare?
It is unfair-
but then life always is-
The numbers slowly rise
and so my chances grow slim.
But all my anger
develops toward him.
1998
**************************
If I could sing a song for you so beautiful
that it would make you weep
then I would keep a place in my heart for you
a place where love never sleeps
and if I could build a bridge of dreams
just to cross to your side
then I would lay each stone with my bare hands
and fasten them with pride
and if I could see my own reflection
in the tears that fall from your eyes
then I would sacrifice my heaven
just to comfort your frightened cries
But my songs don't bring tears
and my heart is just a stone
and my bridge keeps on falling
and you are still alone
and I could never see myself
inside a part of you
and your cries of sweet mourning
cannot bring my love to you
If I could be the queen of love
and make my heart beat for you
then I would gladly exchange kisses
and taste your desire, pure and true
and If I were the keeper of hearts
I would take yours as my own
and I would cradle every moment
as I sit upon my throne
and if I could make myself understand
that love doesn't come for free
then I would look into your eyes
and give to you all of me
But I am not a queen
and my heart is still cold
and my lips shall remain dry
until we both grow old
and I have not the room inside my soul
to keep a heart not mine
and I don't need to understand it-
you will be just fine
without me
without me
without me
I am just a burden
a weight that you must bear
so I will keep on hiding
because my heart I cannot share
with you
with you
with you
1998
*************************
Curiosity
I am curious
I am unaware
my mind is naked
stubborn and bare
My life is forlorn
my heart is sand
I am wary
of joining hands
My mouth is a smile
my eyes are fire
my body melts
in sweet desire
I creep from slumber
wide awake
I hide my heart
for my own sake
but...
I am curious
and somewhat sane
my heart is thunder
my tears are rain
I curse the world
for making me
a slave to this
curiosity...
of
Unreality.
12-11-1998
***************************
Happy
I am smiling
I am sane
I am sweet
I feel no pain...
Am I happy?
I am running
Wild and free
the world cannot
hope to contain me
so, am I happy?
I am joyful
In my sleep
I hide my tears
when I weep
But...am I happy?
12-11-1998
***************************
I wipe the smirk from my cold face
I cannot pretend
to criticize you
I want to hate you
and though I am cold
and frozen
In my own desolation
I cannot blame you.
For you are here because of me.
12-13-1998
**************************
To Prove I care
I can crawl upon this floor
and choke upon the splinters
all just to prove I care
I can sacrifice my everything
and ask for nothing in return
all just to prove I care
I can lie in a bed of flames
and let my flesh melt
all just to prove I care
But why crawl upon the filth
and pierce my flesh with wood
just to prove I care?
And why tear myself to bits
and cry tears of blood
just to prove I care?
And why sacrifice all I have
without anything in return
just to prove I care?
For if you really love me
and if you really know me
you will know that I care
and if you really want me
and if you really trust me
you will know that I care.
12-16-1998
*************************
I will make you beg
just to look at me
to gaze upon a goddess
shall not come for free
I will make you cry
and I will make you moan
I shall beat you into the ground
and break your every bone
I shall be the death of you
because I will always be free
no one can contain
their sweet desire for me
I will make you ask for mercy
while I stomp upon your heart
and I shall show no sympathy
as I rip you apart
pulling you limb from limb
all a mangled mess
“this is my one true love”
my wretched soul must confess-
to keep you trampled under
and beaten again and again
and throughout my life here
this shall be my only sin.
12-16-1998
*************************
Open Casket Viewing
Approximately four days before I died
I called your house
to remind you
of my funeral.
But you were not home.
And so I crawled off
into the woods
to die alone,
without social gathering
and without open casket viewing.
And the moment after
I breathed my last breath
as I began to drift from consciousness
I heard your voice
in the distance
calling for me.
But it was too late.
For I had already perished
into the depths of my own denial-
the denial that you cared for me.
And now I am dead
and I can still
hear you calling for me...
12-16-1998
***********************
Always in my heart
From the day we met
I've felt close to you
And I have loved you from the start
and though I am away
and you are alone
you are always in my heart.
Your friendship is the key
to my happiness
and to my piece of mind.
And I hope to God
and ask and pray
never to leave that key behind.
I want you to feel
the same way I do-
that we will always be true.
Because I do not know
what would happen to me
if I didn't have you.
Merritt, you are my guide
you are my star
and no matter what
whether near or far
you are always in my heart.
For Merritt
12-21-1998
*****************************
Why?
Why does it always have to be like this for me?
Why cant I have you but also be free?
Why must I cry to gain your heart?
Why must I then try to tear it apart?
Why am I aloud to live on this earth?
Why did I not die before my birth?
Why are you so beautiful, sweet and true?
Why can't I be more like you?
Why do you tell me that I am so great?
Why am I being overtaken by that weight?
Why am I so cold and ruthless?
Why are you so warm and flawless?
Why, in my eyes, are you the one?
Why can't I feel for you, and you alone?
Why am I an evil, bitter whore?
Why am I afraid of what is in store?
Why do I cry to be close to you?
Why do you then not know what to do?
Why do I keep asking why?
Why don't I just stop crying
and just die?
Why?
12-21-1998
***************************
To chase these demons away
I must open up my heart
and fear the wrath of love
and fear the progression of hate
to deter this ancient plague
from taking over my mind
Its bitter poisons are not merciful
and its purpose is to kill me
the mouth of the river is laughing at me
and its waters are my tears
I am running from demise
and I am hiding from life
but that will not save me
I am going to drown
in my own bitter emptiness.
12-25-1998
***********************
Come walk with me
talk with me
tell me how you are
Did you ever find
that lucky star?
Am I your angel
or your demon
in a dress?
Did I leave your heart
in a tattered mess...
like mine?
12-29-1998
****************************
I laughed as he cried
then his tears I dried
as I sat
in the cold rain
wanting to end
his bitter pain.
I thought nothing
of the damage I'd done
till I grew lonely
without him there-
to run my fingers thru his hair.
I realize now
what I was too dumb to see
that he meant
so much more to me
then I could admit
I fed him excuses
I fed him bullshit-
and now who cries?
Is he laughing at me?
I left him for freedom-
but am I now free? No-
Now I am bound
not by love
but by sorrow-
for I know that I
did not deserve him.
12-29-1998
***************************
I spoke to you
tonight
in my dreams
I told you to
write
a letter to an angel
to tell her how you feel.
And you replied
right to my eyes
that you are not scared
to fight
for me
against all odds,
against the gods,
and against the pain
that lingers on.
An I was happy.
I loved you then.
And I love you now.
But in my dreams
you were mine.
Somehow,
reality isn't so sweet.
12-29-1998
**************************
Oh if only you could know
the pain I go through
when I think of you
alone
and sad
feeling bad;
If only you could see
how God has tortured me
for leaving you
alone
and sad
feeling bad;
Oh if only I could tell you
how much I care
and I wish I were there
with you
hand in hand
to show you that I am
alone
and sad
feeling bad
without you.
12-29-1998
*************************
Why did I throw it away?
That piece of mind
I no longer have today-
that purity of my soul
which exists no more-
I left it torn,
thrown out the door.
And now I cry-
to hold his hand
to kiss his face
to say I'm sorry
in his warm embrace.
And now I know
that I am alone
that I am cold
that I will love him
till I am old.
Why did I throw it away?
For freedom, for fun?
For love on the run?
Why did I throw it all away?
My heart is now in disarray.
My heart is lonely
my heart shall weep
and once again
I shall cry myself to sleep.
12-29-1998
************************
One little thing
I forgot to say
to my one true love
as I walked away...
I forgot to admit
that I was afraid
to live in the love
that we had made.
One little word
I couldn't quite say...
“commitment”, ah, that's it!
But now- he's gone away?
One small favor
I ask of you, God...
Let me now tell him
that thing I forgot...
My own fear
has left me torn
for I didn't understand
the love I had sworn.
And one little thing
I forgot to say
May have kept him
here with me today.
12-29-1998
*************************
Pretty pieces of me
scattered all around
seeping into the angry
bitter, stinking ground.
Pretty pieces of me
floating in the air
tangled in the mess
of this angels hair.
Pretty pieces of me
I left behind when I left you
heartbroken and hurt
those pieces now in the dirt.
Pretty pieces of me
left cold and alone
battered, scattered and lost
upon the cold grey stones.
12-29-1998
************************
I hear regret in your voice
I sense despair in your lies
the crowded streets cannot contain
the burning flames of your eyes.
1998
**************************
Your naked body is before me
and I can feel the burning desire
in your eyes
as you undress me in your mind.
The way you look at me
makes my body weak
and I clutch at you
in a way
that makes you numb with passion.
I grasp your manliness
with my womanhood.
I use my sexuality like a beast
to devour your emotions-
leaving you senseless and wanting more...
you feign for my
nude aggression
which you know you may not have.
1998
****************************
I want to feast upon your body
I want to devour your passion
I will tear your soul from your flesh
and wear it as my fashion.
1998
***********************
I yearn to please you
I want to give you all of me
I have given up on my goal
to remain forever free
For now you have appeared
and I cannot deny this heart
and every piece of me
shall do its own part-
to love you
To make you feel heaven,
to make you want more
and I shall let you decide
to run or hide or shut the door.
For now all I want from you
is the chance to be the one
who makes your life happy
and who makes loving fun.
So do for me this one thing:
open your heart to me-
For I have sacrificed my heart
and killed my dreams of being free.
1998
**************************
It is not time yet
for me to die
for me to evolve
into a tangled mess
of tattered flesh
which reacts to nothing
and feels nothing
but when I do die
I want just to die
and to die in peace.
1998
*************************
Prayer by prayer
you tune me out
you thrust your sword into my heart
day by day
In and out
I feel the pain of your clout
You pierce me with your poison dart
of twisted lies
and make believe
I try and try
but I cannot perceive
Sun by day
and
moon by night
prayer by prayer
death serves you right.
1998
**************************
BlissNinja 