Poetry from 1997
All poems copyright Charleen Johnston
***************************
Something happened
inside my brain
I heard a voice
calling my name
all went silent
all went dark
my mind went numb
while trying to embark
upon all my thoughts
and what I feel
nothing makes sense
nothing seems real
yes, something happened
inside my brain
my emotions were falling
just like rain
a light came on
and I came alive
something happened
to open my eyes
and now I wonder
just what could be
the cause that made
my whole brain see.
**************************
I can see shadows
but what are they from?
Why do I keep waiting
when you never come?
I look at the clock
its seven forty-four
I am waiting to see
if you walk through the door
a minute has passed
and still your'e not here
and falling to the ground
is one lonely tear
it falls like lead
and soaks into the floor
it disappears quickly
and I prepare for more
the tears are emotions
coming through...
and all of those tears
I have cried for you
*****************************
Caressing sadness
to calm the fear
crying puddles
but not of tears
words pour like water
through a faucet
dripping on my soul
I listen as darkness falls
and my feelings I console
reaching desperately
grasping pain
soaked in despair
falling like rain
************************
Desperately I run...
desperately I hide...
to myself only, can I trust...
to myself only, can I confide...
trying to succeed,
I yet fail again...
no one to ask for help,
to myself only am I a friend....
******************************
I want-
I want of the heart
a truth that will last.
I grieve-
I grieve of the heart
a pain born of the past.
Do I have to beg
to be happy?
Do I have to get on my knees,
so that you can laugh at me?
Crying, I do what you ask
for the heart is a mask
which fools the eyes-
but a heart never lies.
I want-
I want of the heart
a truth that will come.
I grieve-
I grieve no longer
for my heart is numb
*************************
Moonlit creek
calling my name
but I am weak
and you're to blame
I could be happy
my heart alight
but you hold me back
and I do not fight
starlit mountain
begging for me
I want to go
but I am not free
my heart yearns
but you hold me tight
and yet I've learned
not to fight
***********************
Kiss me
kiss away my pain
kiss with a truth with nothing to gain
take your arms
hold me tight
scare away my fear tonight
stay with me
make me love again
tell me you'll be here til the end
kiss me
kiss away my sorrow
hold me tightly, like there is no tomorrow
**************************
In a stupor
in a daze
running confused
through this maze-
around very corner
hatred hides
I turn away
fears aside-
in remorse
drawn into sorrow
I am lost
no more tomorrow-
deceit calls
I do not hear
my mind overtaken
filled with fear-
I close my eyes
I start to shout
I am stuck in this maze
I will never get out.
*************************
…..preparing for war
my weapons are loaded
what are they for
if they are eroded?
Wounds will heal
death will prevail
your life I steal
there is no sale-
my enemies will die
who are you to decide?
I sit and watch you cry
you cannot hide.
I point my gun
at your heart
no harm done-
just a false start.
Go home and pray
cry your tears
I have mercy today
to honor your fears.
**********************
Intoxicated with madness
taken by surprise
you can tell a liar
by the vagueness in his eyes
someone help this heart
warm it with loving care
no one will understand it
life just isn't fair...
************************
What is happiness
if I cant share it with you
what is love
if I don't feel it for you
what is contentment
if you don't share it with me
what is a kiss
if thou kiss not me?
************************
A betrayal of the heart
I weep
the tears form a river
which flows swiftly over the earth
my emotions hidden
my trust broken
and does he even mourn?
My eyes don't glow
my skin don't shine
I have endured pain-
suffered a loss
…...so great.
Greater than any before
and I weep
the salty tears forming an ocean
a murky ocean
of darkness
and I try
to swim, to live
but I drown
in my sorrow.
Its gone-to the bottom of the sea
***************************
Madness overcomes sincerity
a fragrance lost- unto the earth
a scent that lingers
hanging onto truth-
urges of anger explode-
yet, under control, I contain them.
Should it last? Will it last?
Maybe-
love has one true form
-the form of happiness
and I am not happy
I am not in love
yet I hold on
grasping trust
and then it breaks
and gathers dust-
********************************
I hear heavy breathing
I turn to face it
it is you-
you have been running
from fear?
From love?
You now lay here
limp and helpless
why don't you move?
Are you tired?
Sore, ready for help?
Just ask and I will give
I will slow your heartbeat
I will calm your fears
I will install trust
into your heart
and then you will come alive
awaken-to the sound of teardrops
they are mine-
and they are for you
**************************
-almost over the edge
hanging onto the thread of life
chance is with me-
so if I slip, will you soften my fall
will you catch me if I ask
-if I pray?
Almost under the ground- 6ft
solid stone above me
my name carved in it
my life falling
last bucket of dirt...
dumped-
goodbye
*****************************
A face so dear yet not so soft
a mind so small yet so strong
it dictates the world
it is a slave-driver- unknowing of sin
facing reality is something
you know nothing about...right?
A little girl heart- in a grown body
the heart so frail yet so experienced
should not be so fluctuated in society-
so unknowing it seems
maybe too good to be true
but what about the world?
Will it just wait?
Will it keep turning, spinning, unraveling?
Maybe- if nothing happens
but soon the doctor is sick
*************************
Are you sane
or unaware
that a face so soft
could scream 'beware'
a heart so pure
or just ignorant
could it be luck
or is it talent?
A word or two
to break the ice
a fire to burn
just roll the dice
cards aren't worth a dime
just lay em down
hidden beneath the chair
you don't look around
as you take the chance
just a glance
-to make sure....
-that the heart is really pure
*******************************
Escape with me
to the place
where we will be free
so free, so free
unbelievably
happy
so close
and so sane
helping hearts
feeling no pain
seeing no pain
knowing no pain
just rain
washing emotions
down the drain
******************************
Capturing the moment
still as the water
forcing emotions to show
showering gifts of love
and giving thanks
to everyone that we know
someday the world will see
that the earth is round
and that the wind does blow
and on that day
we will all believe
and our faith will grow
****************************
So ordinary yet out of this world
a piece of mind which doesn't come easy
so untouched by darkness
so oblivious to the naked eye
a firefly dances in my chest
a thump thump beats the drum
like an awakening just awoke
like a word not meant to be spoke
a loser in the winners seat
and what do I do but cry for you
I race against the runners of time
I'll never win but I'll continue to try
false pretenses and vulgar emotions
erupt, and form a bridge across the ocean
the sea of unreality and imaginary ideas
where nothing comes easy
you must look past that surface
it fools the eye and tricks the brain
and once you find the inner self
the cold snow from the winter storm
will cover your sins and wash away grief
but only to those who can pretend
********************************
Elevate the possibilities
the endless priorities
to accuse circumstance
of leaving too soon
if a number of minorities
prove to be the majority
then hanging onto the edge of chance
is a timely loon
with unending possibility
**************************
For My Friend
I sit in my cold dark corner of a room
all the warmth left when you walked out
the shadows now hang above the bed deceitfully
the candle which once shone bright has burnt out
I lie crumpled and shivering
clutching my cold heart
what once was so beautiful
has now fallen apart
My thoughts include nothing but you
I keep alive the memory of us together
I remember the days when we loved
I thought we would love forever
your shallow words were just an excuse
yet me ears ache to hear your voice
just one last time saying my name
breathing into my soul by your choice
I stiffen tired and hungry
I have not eaten since you left me
since you dropped my emotions into an eternal pit
you have imprisoned my heart
and I will never be free-
to love again.....
2-14-1997
*******************************
After the rain stops falling
and the wind doesn't blow
I'll search deep inside my soul
for someone I do not know
I'll look at my face inside the mirror
I'll feel inside my heart
maybe someday I'll open up
and then life will start.
For now the rain keeps coming
and the bitter wind is cold
and I will continue searching
until my days are numbered, and
I am old...
****************************
After the sun disappears behind
the horizon
and your memory has started to fade
I whisper silently to my heart
I ask “why was your love forbade?”
my heart is silent and doesn't speak
I start to cry because I am weak
a cold wind grabs my soul
it chokes the tears out of my eyes
I try to escape but I cannot run
I try to talk but its all lies
then I see a vision of you
you are wiping your own bitter tears
I realize that all my sorrow
came from you all these years.
2-19-97
*************************
A smile stained the face of an innocent soul
a soul never touched by the dirt of this land
eyes which never saw an unclean act
hands which never before touched another hand
the smile slowly started to dry up
the eyes began to wearily close
the hands folded behind her back
her beauty wilted like the petals of a rose.
Time touched the young maidens life
time weakened the unknowing heart
time was all the young girl knew of
time is what tore her apart
a faint whisper from her mouth
and a visible blink of the eye
let us know she was aware
that in time she would die....
****************************
There will come silent days when the sun doesn't shine
when the shadows of night hide in the pines
there will come lonely mornings without him by your side
when the sickness in your heart refuses to hide
there will come mournful moments when you want to die
when the last breath you take is a forceful sigh...
there will come beautiful nights when you will realize
that there is more to your life than hearing his lies
there will come a needed minute when your heart is thin
that you will tell yourself you wont suffer life for him.
*****************************
The petals, withered and old, fell from her hands to touch the ground; the river of tears carved a path in the earth...the rose was gone, like the love, the love which was once so grand- shared thoughts, shared moments, shared hard times and good-but... The satin robe which he gave to her was no longer a brilliant white, but a deep red, from the saturation of blood pouring from her broken heart; the heart which was once so alive, so awake and restless. The heart which once belonged to a man, but was cast aside, no regret, no remorse, nothing but betrayed desires. But....Her hair which once flowed with the wind now lays limp over her shoulders, the smile which once was bright and wide was now dark and thin, just a shadow across her face. The rose she held was from her forgotten love, a love which so easily slipped away, which so cruelly tore two souls apart; she thought to herself “ I should have held on” but no, that would make things worse....
So as the days went by and the weeks turned into years, not a thought in the world could dry all of those tears, which were shed so long ago, but left a stain on the ground on which they fell. As the years passed the world grew silent, dark, and mysterious...and so each night before she fell asleep, she would look at the stars and count them, and wonder if he may be staring at the same stars, somewhere far away. Now as she grew tired and weak with old age, lonely and decrepit , she recalled a day when she was young and beautiful, so full of life and hope...and she remembered the last words spoken between her and her forgotten love; “I love you forever, and I will never love another, so let me die with these words”. And he replied “ our love was once so strong, yet I must move on, but I will always remember the day when you kissed my soul....”.
And with those words he departed. And with that memory, her heart filled with happiness, for she lived by her words and she would die by her words. And that night she took a walk, past the grocery, past the theatre, past the park to the gate of the graveyard, where she stopped. Some force told her to enter, so she did, and as she walked along looking, she noticed a dull grey gravestone in the midst of weeds and rocks. Her face turned solemn as she read the words:
RIP
Forgotten Love
1979-2049
“Love is Suicide”
Her heart fell to the bottom of her soul, and she felt dizzy. She laid on top of the grave and closed her eyes. She was no longer alone. Yes, they would meet again, she thought one last time, their souls would kiss for eternity......
**************************
I saw a hearse coming my way-
it seemed to be moving so slow-
I began to think- to run away-
but then I thought 'where would I go?'
So as I faced death brave and proud-
a smile spread over my face-
my heart thumped hard and loud-
as I followed death to my place.
**************************
Somebodies old socks have torn
and I never meant to be a bag
with a hole in it-
not the least bit of cares
but a worry undutiful to the mind
with your beefcake junksters
riding in the passenger seat
and you hit the gas
no movement as you jerk the wheel
across the road your dignity ran
(at least you know you had it)
but as the wind sweeps
and the sun goes down
a tiny tear is used to wash my cares
and I find a rose under the stairs
it has my name on it-
like a hero from the movies,
a none other than comical character
I see that I have been born
and my mother eats panty hose
to keep her warm in the winter
my sisters all laugh
and my brothers aren't alive
(I never had any)
so as I cough up integrity
I try to close my eyes
without shutting them
and I chase away the worry
and I don't complain....
**************************
I watch the small creek carve a path
in the earth,
the stream flows with a roar-
every day It gets bigger, flows faster.
I am reminded of myself
I carve a path in Time, flowing
freely, unstoppable
every day I grow, and as I
grow, my memories add up,
and I run faster through time.
I am a swift stream of
water flowing into the largest
pool; heaven
*************************
I feel deceitful without a reason
I am no longer intrigued
or expecting
not wanting, not waiting
just deceiving
probably being deceived.
Just alike-two (us)(me) you (him)
how long putting in trust
when there's no attraction?
Feelings, yes-attraction, no
such an uncommon mixture
a freak show
I guess?
What do you say?
No more lies
no more pretense
no more expectancy
just freedom
its the greatest....
freedom, ah freedom.
*****************************
The rose wilts by your side
the petals are like tears
you try to hide
falling limply to the ground
unshed by fear but let go
streaming in puddles all around
the rose blooms before your eyes
the petals like memories coming alive
you try to forget
who really cares
but you are chained to bewares
******************************
Like the canyons and mountains eroding
with time
filling the rivers with mud and sand
the feelings in my heart are decaying
swept and strung throughout the land
A piece of feeling here and there,
keeping an eye on my heart
straining to hear the words you say
as you silently depart
like the time, running, flying, anywhere
but behind
the trust I thought was forever
is something I can never find
you never gave me a chance
you never said goodbye
I can never love another- why not die?
***************************
Alone in the world
an aura of hate-
trying to suck you in
to the everlasting fate
of being at the mercy
of a savage beast
who knows no mercy
of the bitterly deceased
now into the land of remorse
where the ancient plumes rule
and the laws of the cursed
are obeyed to the full-
the prison steps which lead
to the shackles and chains
are encrusted with filth
and disease from the blood stains
of those who sought yet feared
and tried frantically to escape
yet their emancipation turned to preparation
as the plumes began to take shape
all that's left are stories told
and legends that remain unreleased
of that land here foretold
which thereupon reigned a beast.
***************************
Phony
they all pass with unknowing glances
they only stop to laugh, they take no chances
their eyes cast a peculiar glow
shadows form as their hatred shows
they whisper as I pass, making no attempt to hide
I just keep walking with a confident stride
I know in myself that I am alone
I have feelings that have never before been shown
the outer world doesn't accept me, they call me a freak
does that mean that I am decrepit and weak
I look them in the eyes, I stare into their soul
I know every misery, I know every hole
they attempt to make me feel sorrow
they try to make me feel their hate
but I wont be dragged into their mortal fate
I refuse to be a part of their twisted material games
I will not add mine to their list of names
if only they could see their own phony lives
maybe they would understand
that mine is not a hand that will ever join their hand
*************************
Seeming as an angel
coming to you in the dark
the world is full of secrets
keeping you hidden away
from the truth, the trust
and the holy dust
which gathers every day...
from our hearts and souls
where every emotion must be consoled
in and out of slavery
and through the chained prison walls
the drafts sweep in under the doors
and freeze your emotions-unbearably cold
and unreasonably dry
floating like clouds
through the eroding atmosphere
the castles of hate loom in the distance
and tower over every mortal being
because time doesn't understand
time doesn't care
there is nothing on this earth that proves
that love exists there
************************
Intense feelings of sorrow
dripping from her brow
tears formed from deceit-
slowly peeling from her skin
was she untouched by sin?
Washing away the memories
of the days when she was proud
were a few drops of carelessness
evaporating into a dusty cloud
so unclear was her life
so confusing was her heart
emotions controlling the decisions
which killed her from the start
************************
Welcome, to your mortality, a blissful reality
Trapped within the walls of time
his sepulchral face peering through the glass
his clothes dripping, soaked in blood from his broken heart
he tried to get over you, it just wasn't the same
he tried to obey the rules to your selfish game
his once blue eyes have now turned to black
no mercy shows, he'll kill to get you back
the hands which used to hold you tight
now are covered in blood ground into his tears
he chokes on the words he tries to get out
begging for another chance, for forgiveness
you turn away into bitter darkness....
welcome to your insanity, escape from vanity?
Mind over matter, what's it mean?
When you are living your forgotten life
trapped inside a dream
welcome, to your mortality...
a blissful reality?
*************************
Are you sincere?
Are you kind?
Are those your tears?
Which always shine?
Can we not touch
the outer surface?
Am I not much
closer to perfect?
How fast does a star fall
how high is the moon?
Will you answer my call
if the call is for you?
**********************
It withered before my eyes
dragging my feel behind me
and digging up the ground
surrounded by regret
there's nothing else around
turning away from fear
got to shield my eyes
corrupted by deceit
deafened to the lies
ahead I continued
losing all strength
body getting tired
no maternal instinct
the heat was intense
and the sun was high
the water was all dried up
no clouds in the sky
as I stumbled into life
and made my way around
I thought really hard
about all that I had found
my journey was intense
my will was strong
only my dignity
to help me along
as I reached my destination
of a world unleashed
I noticed the unfamiliar
house of the deceased
as I passed the graveyard
chilling in my bones
I wandered aimlessly
stumbling over the stones
I noticed something bright
it was calling my name
it wasn't something beautiful
but distracting just the same
I picked it up instantly
and it let out a cry
and as I stood there wondering
it withered before my eyes.....
****************************
Why lie
why cry
why say goodbye
why care
why share
why go anywhere
why ask
why know
why wonder
where I go
because I lie
because I cry
because you never said goodbye
because I share
because I care
because you aren't anywhere
because I ask
because I know
because I wonder
where you go....
*************************
A Void
in our hearts
this world
just darkness
awaiting....
my thoughts are silenced
by the rush of people-
in a rush
a rush for
what?
As the bright moon
folds its arms
over
me...
I am filled
with hope.
Hope
in a land
where hope doesn't exist-
all a Void
a tangled mess
of
confusion.
I am a Void....
************************
Slowly but surely
you will adore me
slowly but surely
you will love me
I can't see you
I can't hear you
I don't know why
I cant be you
one day you'll see
I will be free
free of your chains
no guilt remains
slowly but surely
you will adore me
slowly but surely
you will love me
*************************
With or without you
sometimes I just wish I were you
so sweet. Just sitting there.
Alone and nice
with a big smile on my twisted face
just hoping....that one day I'll be like you
but what are my chances when I'm a void
a great gaping hole without feelings or emotions
I am frequently accused of forgetting my manners
but no by you
-though sometimes I do
I just want a friend
I just want an inch of hope, a speck of trust
not pity, hatred, or lust, but then-
you don't know what I want or need, or have
except a large hollow heart and giant twisted smile
to see you with
when I get hungry I just ask for your beef
got any? Know where I could get some pancakes
without syrup....its sticky and dry
but now I'll ask how you want to die
with or without me, alone or afraid, now or then
the sooner the better.....right?
It doesn't matter because I am already dead.
******************************
Here I sit
impatiently......waiting
no one else can see me
except for you.
And you choose to ignore me
you look right through me
and I call out
I speak your name
your time is up....
you walk away
under the bright streetlights
I see only your shadow
and I lay my head in my lap
and weep.....
and still I sit
impatiently....waiting.
******************************
Why doesn't anyone hear my calls?
I wait alone, under the stars as they fall
my eyes are open but still I don't see
the spirit within, calling out to me
I count the stars and make a wish
I pray I'll awaken with a kiss
as I fall silently into sleep
breathing smoothly as my shadow weeps
why doesn't anyone want my heart?
I'm willing to risk being torn apart
but still no answers as I cry my tears
drowning my sorrows and flooding my fears
You don't have a name that I can say
I don't have hope for this new day
I can never again let loose my soul
for this time....it will not return whole.
******************************
Where is She
death was all around
it was taking up old debts
they wheeled her away
as if
she were dead....
I stared after the white stretcher
thinking to myself
“ I wonder where she is?”
Her mother hugs me
(tears flowing, like the Nile)
and tells me she loves me
and she loved her
and I ask her-
“who?”
she smiles through foggy eyes-
“it will be ok”, she says
she leaves.
That was years ago
and, sometimes
when I get lonely-
I wonder
“where is she?”
***************************
She wonders
why
she wanders
where
she thinks what
she knows
when
but why wonder where wandering
leads when thinks what she
knows, then?
*****************************
I am asking not of you
but for you
I only want you to know
I can not make you see, or understand
everything you mean to me
but I will try, as long as you listen
I will not stop for anyone
except maybe for you
but then, anyone's not you, is it true?
Just for your care I yearn
but how many times until I learn?
Like touching fire, I jump back
I bounce from pain only to do it again
and again- I am asking for you-
not of you....
*******************************
If you were to leave
what would I do?
If they took you away
where would I go?
If you left me here
who would I hold?
If asked if you care
would you even know?
*****************************
Please call my name
if ever you need a friend
always look for me
and I will lend a hand
smile and wipe away that frown
dry those pouring tears
I am not with you
to calm all of your fears
*****************************
What is happiness?
Can you give me an answer?
Is it love?; is it fun?
It is contentment?
How does it come to be?
Does it just appear?
Does it grow?
Do you have to search?
I know not what it is, therefore
I can not feel it.
Or can I?
I love and am loved
I have fun
I am content
so am I happy?
Still waiting for it to appear-
or to grow,
for I will not search....
if it exists,
it will find me
*****************************
Cast your shadow
out the door
watch it disappear
open your window
and watch the moon
if the night is clear
fake your happiness
just to feel good
but I can see
through those lies
that you have misunderstood
why are you here
if you don't want to be
a true friend....
which I need
til life on earth ends?
*************************
Found a home
among the wildflowers
where peacefully I will rest
speaking quietly
watching restlessly
putting myself to the test
sounds of laughter
and cries of fear
wake me from my sleep
and as I rise
to curiosities door
I cannot help but take a peek
Love in the rarest form
has followed me here
and will not leave
as now I must run again
away from this place
far from love and grief.
******************************
Pain
(personal)....problems
(agonizing)...answers
(intentional)...infliction
(neverending)...nastiness
Sorrow
(sinful)...sadness
(openly)...ordering
(remorse)...repaying
(reliving)...reason
(ordinary)....overreactions
(watching)...wisely
Hate
(hectic)....hell
(aching)....attributes
(truth)...temptation
(evil)....emotions
**************************
By candlelight I read your letter
the writing has started to fade-
my eyes are not used to darkness
anything but the light was forbade
But struggling on through dripping ink
I hear your sorrowful words
into my heart I store the contents
of the letter, word for word
the flame flickers and all is dark
I fold the letter and put it away
I fall sleep thinking of you
and I dream that I will see you someday.
***************************
I think I've found it
if it is what I think
this feeling I have acquired
is happiness...
how do I know?
Because no longer do I dread
the useless drag of another day
no more is the pain I felt
that never went away
now I have laughter
now I have fun
now I have love to give
and hate, I have none
What could it be that showed me the way
who could have known what I dreamed
wherever it was that I found happiness
is the place I want to stay
********************************
…physical pain means nothing to me
it doesn't bring tears
it's not one of my fears
and it comes and goes often
real pain is of the heart
it torments you, it laughs at me
it teases you, it cries to me,
it brings tears to my eyes
it is a suffering I cannot deny.
Replacing sorrow and deceit
the wound slows me down
I thought I had it made
and then the punishment was found
ripping away my independence
making me feel like a cripple...
I am strong mentally-
no handicap....of the mind?
A strong will to survive
and again I'll come out on top
physical pain means nothing to me
it is emotional suffering which
makes me cry
and if I had to be crippled
it would be physical, lest let me die.
**********************************
Under the stairs
I wept for you
I thought my dreams
would never come true
my tears burned holes beneath my feet
I almost slipped
but ran from defeat
the closer I came to myself
the farther I was from you
I ran so far I was almost alive
but I fell so hard I almost died.
Now I'm alone
sitting with no one but myself
my soul sings a hymn
and my heart begins to cry
Footsteps break my loneliness
as they stomp down the stairs
and I just turn around,
away from you
as if you are not there.....
*************************
The inconsistent lies you tell
will pave your way straight to hell
morning comes and still you sleep
in your dreams you whine and weep
falling from that one lost star
that gave you proof of who you are
and now the night is bitter cold
and you lie awake growing old
no one comes to your rescue
your death has come, and do I miss you?
*****************************
Love and Lust
may turn to dust
but I will stay alive
Truth and Lie
will surely die
but my soul will survive
Happy times &
Nursery Rhymes
will soon fall apart
Hope and Faith
are never safe
within the lonely heart
****************************
A fear of living
an apprehensive way of life
the trepidation that I feel
will never become real
Only
thoughts
or possibly sounds
keep my solitude from breaking down
The repudiation of love
acting on impulse
the exposure of my heart
has silently fallen apart
Faintly
I can see
and possibly hear
my eternal lack of fear....
*****************************
A black hearse carries my feelings
the sad, hopeless, lonely feelings of death
sorrow making muddy the graves
with my pouring tears
heaven and hell are both my fears
darkness haunts my soul, the black
morgue of hypocrisy;
I weep, my heaven is your hell
my sadness your escape
and the black hearse drives on
******************************
Crawl out from underneath your sorrow
it traps you
it will not let you move
have faith in a better tomorrow
don't dwell on the past
head forwards, not behind you
look at the bright side of each day
and the longer each one will last
break free from your imprisonment
of guilt
run away fast
don't look back
just keep going to the temple you built
you will find me there
just waiting
only for you
so that my feelings I can share
with you
I love you....
do you love me?
**********************
So many things gone wrong
life is out of control
I need an angel to help me along
to help me carry my soul
things use to be just fine
everything like meant to be
but then I followed the wrong sign
and now I'll never be free
*****************************
In flagrant actions keeping time
silently filling my glass with wine
I'd take your hand if I knew I could
I'd give you a kiss if I thought I should
****************************
Like the tip of an unlit match
I am waiting for a spark of trust,
of happiness- to prove to me that love is real,
that I can feel it and know it's here.
Unknowing as the weather, maybe rain,
maybe pain, maybe slaves pushing the train
that continues to move on-
silently, like the clouds in the dark skies
floating directionless,
just peaceful and beautiful;
smothered by the filthy air.
A waterfall in the distance splashes
my body with drops of fear,
I am so unaware and unprepared for
what will come,
and like the sun I come and go
and like the wind I continue to blow-so?
As I fall for you, my balance broken
by your smile, I pray that you feel
the same way.
*************************
Once Called Friend
I have recoiled into my useless past-
into the crypt of my imagination,
strung from deceit, condemned into hate
waiting impatiently for the outcome, my fate
A hunger still lives, eating its way from the inside out
the lies keep feeding the beast
and the twisted morals grow hungrier, wanting fed
Who to feed, but the deception of the dead?
Cancel all worry, there's a protective wall,
should it fall, the way unknown,
where would I live, where would I die-
would I see the end, would I feel the need to try?
My soul aflutter, my heart waiting to beat,
to pump the life....no time for defeat.
Shaking from the spirit-and never asking why
the savage needs of the outer hope would sprawl
taking everything, taking it all,
pride and integrity;
torture to the soul- never looking back
I see a light- I am drawn in-
Goodbye my once called friend
****************************
Across the mountains of deceit
I rise and stare into the sea
the sea of remembrance
I notice that there is a flag
waving in the sand like a strip of love
flowing forever freely
crossing vacant shores
not knowing what is to come
or who is to come
or where it is to go
but as I search for the secret
the secret of why I am here
I am drowned by one huge tear
and I didn't ask
for your half-hearted smile
or your picture, like a green tomato growing
like a wind blowing.
I stare at the blurry faces
I smile
despite it all I cannot be bitter
your tangerine lips that swallow the world
I could make it in three days time
but I choose to take it slow
I drag my biscuits and sorrow behind me
I take a deep breath
is this what it is all about?
Now there is but one fly left
to sting the cleanliness of my life
I take down my window shades and smile
now I can see
now I can feel the sun on my skin
and as I run my fingers
through your babyfine eyebrows-
I wish..upon a star...that is burning
I wish to be free
and then to be an astronaut
but those days are gone
just like your beefy jerky
and we don't complain.
****************************
In touch with the inner self
connected to the emotional nucleus
struggling over mountains of trust
all to become a loving fool-
bred by savages with no sense of mercy
a slave to the world, a slave in your heart
forced into life unknowing...
of what lies beyond.
Have you ever asked yourself
'why am I here' and not found an answer?
Everyone and no one will know the truth
but still you wait.
With a sweet fragrance ripping and tugging
trying to pull you away from your thoughts
as you struggle to be free, you wonder
'do I want to be free?' or do I
have a secret pleasure
from the chains wrapped tightly
around my heart?
Can anyone ever know the truth
or will it be lost forever
the other side of the mountain
it awaits exploration
but first you must be free
weighed down by nothing but your own bondage
then the sun will rise
then set
all. at once upon your face-
emancipated and ready to fight.
***************************
I heard your whispers when you could not talk
I saw your smile when you could not see
I felt your love when your heart was numb
I tasted your fear as you awoke afraid;
What are feelings if I do not feel for you?
What is love if I do not love you?
What is a dream if it doesn't come true?
What is death if I don't die for you?
Frightening words escape my lips
I try to silence them
I try to pierce the darkness
with images of your beauty,
I try to hide my sarcasm
with your fury...
if I cried your tears
would you wipe my eyes?
If I chased your fears
would you stop the lies?
Visions appear in the night
but they are too dark to see,
I try to uncover the meaning
of my dreams of being free....
2-11-97
****************************
The sun is my light-
its rays shine into my eyes
to form a sweetness
the earth revolves around my light
the warmth fills me with laughter
and with thoughts of summer fun;
water to quench my desire
and my thirst-
I drink the excitement
and swim in the heat
and again, the sun is my light
****************************
Julia
my blonde younger sister
with her fair skin and blue eyes
an innocent freshman, not yet wise
hopeful in the serenity and love of family
a student to the ways of life
her slim reasoning begins with fun
my bond is secret and unknown;
for a decade and a half
my blonde younger sister has grown.
***************************
Innocence is a perfect beauty
the birth of a child
an infant full of life
breathing only pure security
an unfamiliar strength that grasps you,
and pulls you under....
to the barrenness of the student of desire
a young feeling of unawareness
the loyalty of a new mother
an innocence shared by parent and child
an unspoiled life at birth
and again, at death
alone in the grave
unspoiled and pure
******************************
Butterfly
I am living in a cocoon
ready for the change-
but afraid to move on.
I dream of being born again
inside my heart
like a caterpillar to a butterfly
I yearn for innocence
-the true form of love
but I am held back-
by the feeling of temporary fear
and in my vision I see
colorful wings gliding free
graceful beauty filled with warmth
and the sun peaks beyond the mountains
it is spring
and in the warmth
my cocoon begins to crack
and new life warms my skin.....
*******************************
War
Inside my soul I am fighting a war
the casualties are internal
not the death of men-
but the murder of emotion
the red of the bloody sins.
It is winter In my heart
-and my broken dreams cry
like children in the cold.
My mind works as a bomb
firing against pride
my own self as my enemy
but as Crane said “War is Kind”
but not this type-as is mine-
the fear of death does not abide
My war is internal
and my soul cannot hide.
*****************************
There was something
and where would it
how far could you go on one tank of gas
far, would you be there
how fast would
stop pretending
I don't
*************************
Upon a time....
familiar story
ending isn't rare
nothing new
fight
love
help
resolution
temptation
all too familiar
all too similar
life
*********************
After the storm there comes the rain
Mostly water mixed with pain, so
Because the love was really true, will
Each memory become a a tale in the saga
Returned from hate to be alone, or did love win?
************************
The Obsession
As though he always seemed to know
what was on her mind
he always knew what to say
to maker her leave her sorrow behind.
And every day she took his hand
and told him how she cared
and he answered in a sincere way
that she answered all his prayers.
So she thought their love would last
but soon that thought grew dim
and she realized that her life
has since revolved around him.
He explained as gently as he could
but that wouldn't sooth the pain
no matter how she tried to forget
life would never be the same.
As he lived his life without her
she followed secretly by his side
and she pretended that the love they had
never ceased and never died.
His annoyance turned to anger
her pain turned to obsession
she wanted him to love her
he ran from her possession
She feared that he had never loved
and that his words were lies
but that would not slow her down
she will chase until she dies.
The day was warm and the sun was out
and she searched for a sign
a sign that he wanted her
but she feared 'he will never be mine'.
And so as the sun went down
and the night grew cold
she felt in her heart a love
that would live to grow old.
Some called that love a force
others said possession
but in her heart and to us all
it is known as 'the obsession'....
2-23-97
**************************
I have an indescribable hate inside of me
formed while unconscious
the roots bound to my heart
this hate never leaves
this hate never dies
this hate was formed from months of lies
I look for a deliverer
a friend who understands
alas, I have found....
but she understands too easily
there is but one for whom this hate is directed
a thief of the night
stealing a beauty given to us by god
something for which can never be returned
never replaced
now I must face this hate
I must challenge the one whom I despise
my demeanor is truly unpolished
I choose to hide instead of fight
this hate is deep
it refuses to leave
my body rejects it but it cannot win
this is a hate never felt before
this hate was once thought to be love
these roots continue to grow
Lord, replace this hatred with forgiveness.
Je ne t'aime pas.....
**************************
I love the rain
its gentle touch upon my skin
warming the blood within
like emotions released by pain
the condensation forms
and the rain falls, like tears
streaming so freely down my face
just a form of expression
to calm the soul-
I love the pain
the pain I feel from making a mistake...
I learn by wrong decisions-
the everlasting guilt and shame
which results is eternal
and internal- feeding on my heart
never understanding the cause
and not caring of the results
I find a way to cover the pain...
the life-filled rain washing the stain
but the guilt will remain.
*************************
Sounds of life
a new baby cries
a poor mother smiles
as her son opens his eyes
blessed by a miracle
in the form of birth
the mother thanks god
for this gift of the earth
sounds of death
an old mother dies
a poor baby screams
as tears form in his eyes
cursed with sadness
in the form of death
the baby doesn't understand
why his mother left.
Sounds of redemption
another soul is free
this child has grown up
and lives happily
blessed by an angel
in the form of light
the young man has won
this ungrateful fight.
Sounds of lie, death, and
redemption...
all a part of the cycle.....
*************************
She thought she'd have some fun
she never thought of what could come
but then her body disagreed
and she could never again be free
she gets scared
she starts to cry
she feels as though she wants to die
Her friends are supportive
her family is angry as sin
she must make a decision
about the seed from within.
It takes all day to get there
shes made the decision
she doesn't want that shame
she doesn't want the guilt prison
but its too late
the choice was made
she opens the door
and stands afraid
she goes through with the plan
the doctors say its safe-
but in the process of abortion,
the mother dies....
was it worth it?
*************************
For never being what you said
Or for making my heart feel dead
Remorse and sorrow growing strong
Getting worse as the days pass along
I know what you meant to do
Vicarious decisions made by you
Even in the roughest of times
No one but you ever whines
Ending with this message from me;
Serves you right for what you did, but
Somehow I've found a way to forgive .
*************************
Laying on the cold pavement
still, not moving a limb,
she slept like a child
so free of pain and sin-
the cracks were filled with grass
the roots grabbing onto the ground
producing cold, violent urges
never meant to be found.
Her eyes slowly opened
and her soul took form
she arose from the cold sidewalk
as if she were just born.
She had been laying motionless
her heart was asleep
she was pretending to care
she was digging too deep.
Now the dizziness sets in
her legs can not hold
she has slept her life away
she is now wilted and old.
************************
It appears to be a routine
not just something that happens
am I like a force
which pushes everyone away?
Why do they all come...
but they never stay?
When will they understand
that I do not need them
that I am independent
I have finally decided
to move on
forget them and their lies
griefs, and problems...
I am only human...
you know.
*********************
The stench of loneliness drifts
through my heart,
the sound of fear running wild
should this world go on?
Continue with this hate?
Or should a force overthrow
this hell-hole and let love win-
That is the way
just wait
the day will come
when the Earth and Hell are one....
***********************
Crushing enthusiasm- is it real?
Is it possible to know or to feel?
Is it unbroken like a rod of steel?
Untouched by the outer peel?
Is it life which actually we fear?
Is it the things we hold most dear?
Is it our hearts, is it our tears?
Should we be silent for this many years?
How much longer to be afraid?
How much longer before we are paid?
Should I have gone or should I have stayed?
Better there than the life I have made?
What left to do but cry?
To feel deprived and want to die?
To understand without asking why?
Are these all reasons to keep you shy?
Where again on earth do we need
a home to live, a heart unfreed
so tempted by the unplanted seed
unaware of the hearts that bleed.
*************************
Is it uncommon to see or to know
the ways of the world
and the places you go
does it take skill or just good luck to understand
and give a fuck
only once in a while can we really laugh or smile
without feeling perpetually young and hostile
Or is it all a joke played on the best waiting for
some kind of jest
to keep us alive and so-called well or is it
a lie we continue to tell
something to ease our pain,
we may find it or at least try
we will look until we die
for what good is living if you live full of fear
waiting for the new-coming year
you will grow old take my advice, you
better live now or pay the price...
**************************
I am a forceful reason
seem like a person, please?
To be a freak is easy
be a cat.....for me?
Your family is supportive
only your mother cries
hope I don't get soap in your eyes
please try again
don't be afraid to ask for help
let my reasoning begin to deal
it may come as a surprise....
go west or you may die....
read every first word in each line
to understand fully this witty rhyme
**************************
He draws you near
you tremble with fear
as you try to hide your tears
the closeness terrifies you
and you
become aware
that sometimes life isn't fair
the ones you love the most
are the ones who die first
and you
are forever reminded
of them.
His lips caress your skin
your darkness from within
covers all your sins
and your heart aches.
You tattoo your heart
inside his mind-
maybe this will last
but time flies by fast
and you're still living in the past.
His strong arms are folded
around your tiny body.
You want to hide
from the sickness inside
that forces you to care-
for him.
Now it is time
he draws you near...
forget all your pain and fear
the time has come to pass through
into the world of Nothing, New.
*************************
When I see you I look away
Will you smash my will to stay
This fight is a battle I cannot win
World war two lost less men
Understand my sympathy, it is real
That doesn't mean that I can feel
Time grows weak as the earth spins
Doesn't matter if I lose or win
Care seems unheard of , it is a lie
And you are my reason to die
Life just isn't the same when you feel
Means nothing to this heart of steel
Nothing matters to me anymore
To find love is to shut the door
The nights of darkness are here for me
Insecure feelings set me free
Man is waiting for total destruction
When the day becomes the night
Will every soul remain alone?
Truth can unchain your fear, let it go
Become an angel to everyone you know
Real isn't fake, fake isn't me
And all my life Ive dreamed of being free
Hate is all this world knows
Fade away as the darkness grows
Away from insecurity and all who know.
First word in each line
****************************
My mother is calling
and I never tried to hear
all my life I have lived in fear of fear
seeing only red
the color of blood
watching only for the rain
to cleanse everything with mud
I have been waiting for so long
just to find you here
waiting so many years
wanting nothing but to torture you-
into loving me....
my deepest , darkest fear
is that you will not know me
that you will pass me by...
and then my eyes will cry
but not me....
for my heart is not a heart at all
it is but a mass of sorrow mixed
with blood...
and now I am waiting for the
filth cleansing mud.
**************************
Upon my throne I sit
hiding from time
closing my eyes
and ignoring life...
my throne is but a rock
a stone carved from hell
(it fell one day when it was raining)
time is out to get me
or is that love?
Time has sent its warriors
to destroy my chances
my chances to survive
I will telephone you
if I need help
and maybe
you can win?
I wont understand if you say no
because you are supposed to love me
right....?
or is that someone else
but....you look awful familiar,
who knows...
maybe time has already won?
**************************
Preoccupied with thoughts of you
Against my will I follow through
In your footsteps , at your beck and call
Never looking back, just leaving it all
***************************
Away from here
I see you smile
I feel like talking
but only to you-
if I could dream of only one
you would enter my nightscape
but fearing you
and the distance you want
I live in my own hole
only leaving on special occasions
like to see you walk by
and wish I could hold you
but now I am stoned and cold
feeling the ground rise
under my feet
the rhythm of heat
burning against the walls
of my chest
I then whisper your name
just to see....
and like I expect-
you keep on going
and you don't look back
or say hi
so I crawl back into my hole.
*************************
Sometimes when I smiled at you
you looked and waved hello
I felt a certain hopefulness
that no one else could know
And once or twice you passed my by
and said a word or two
I thanked god you acknowledged me
and I didn't know what to do
*************************
The hitchhiker
over the rolling roads
engaged in thoughts
never thought before
laughing at the ignorance
of his own mind
pretending it were a war
smoldering smoke drifting through
the thumping of a car
speeds past his blank face
anger washes over him
his brow grows dim
where is this place?
Crawling now
over distant sands
rocks, sharp and jagged
thick, in the ground
he stumbles over his twisted thoughts
more than the jagged rocks
a moment comes
and he must hide
running from his only ride
miles
and miles
of winding road
no trees to shield
when hours and days
pass with a craze
and he's lying in a field
no hope left
he'll never arrive
he's still not sure that he's alive
but he's not dead
because he's here
and he wants to be There
among pigs, insects
swarming all over the city
like bees in a nest
stench of filth and loneliness
and still he yearns
and dreams of being There
patience has gone down
sweat drops to the ground
and drowns the sickly flies
and among the fields
on the highway
a desperate man dies
he lies stiff for years and years
and never fades away
the man of the road has died
and moments later,
coming through the fog, is a car
it stops, but the man has missed his ride....
*******************************
You know I want you to be here
but, then I want you to go
my thoughts are deranged
and my feelings are queer
stupidity laughs in my face
everyone has run away
except for my own damn self
I have chosen to stay
corrupt people are trying to live
and trying to be alive
but I must get rid of them
no one will survive
they are all in my head
tricks of fear in my mind
but in my soul there is a war
and I've left my friends behind
over and over I tell myself
that this is not worth death
but what use is it to live
when you cannot feel your breath
my knees peel from soreness
my fingers now rot away
my eyes have gone blind
and I silently begin to pray
make this world leave me alone
everyone go, except for you
I want you to die with me
and I want our love to die true.
**************************
Heaven
To some it is a paradise
but most who think
they will live there
will never know...
To some it is a vision
but those are the ones
who die trying,
yet will never go,
To some it is a joke,
and these cynical persons
will die and fry in the smoke.
To some it is a belief
and those could be
the ones who will
finally be free...
*************************
We are who we are
but who are we?
If we cannot see ourselves
how can others see us
as we are?
************************
A blind man is more gifted than a rich man
A deaf man is wiser than a millionaire
a dumb man has more to say than a scholar
so why, then, do we not wish
to be blind, deaf and dumb
more-so than to be a rich, millionaire scholar?
A bee is a true kindred,
you see?
*************************
True happiness is in our minds
it is not a talent
or a gift
but a dream
but....it never comes true
our cancerous hearts eat away
all thread of peace...
our greed pushes out the hope
no longer do we sleep soundly
or wish to dream
because what use is it to dream
of happiness...?
How does a person know what
happiness is....
when the dream has never
come true?
*************************
Those I have loved
are merely shadows
hiding in the corner of my heart.
Those I have loved
were cast aside
all alone out in the dark.
Images I use to see
meant nothing more to me
than a breath of air
or just being free.
Those I have loved
are only images
in the back of my mind.
Those I have loved
were so different
and so hard to find.
************************
Some say she is an angel
straight from heaven
and, its hard not to agree
but those are the people
who do not know
that she -is- me
and...
sometimes you see in her eyes
a strange glow-
as if she is accepting something
or someone
or some way of life-
that is when she is aware
of her own mystery
and of her history
of broken hearts
she poses no threats
to a shallow mind
but her ability to reach within
drowns the souls of men
with depth
and that is when
she is an angel....
*************************
His name is Willie- he is sadness
he comes to us all at one point
and he knows who is weak-
and who is not,
but at times he can kill,
he is, actually, very tormenting
and the result
begins with pain and ends
in pain and lives and dwells
in the rain of tears falling
from the soul of himself-
Willie the great terror,
wretched and haunting...
forcing us into the back of
our own minds.
His game is real- he is a pro
he tells us when and where to go
and he knows the way-
and why not,
at times he is a stray
and he is, actually, very distant
and then it begins with
happiness and ends in tears, and
remains untouched by all your
fears....run from Willie...
he is sadness
************************
Something is blocking a passage
to my brain...
this person I care for
who has no name-
yet I know the face and still
cannot place this person who
is actually a disgrace-
to me;
I care for, yet I hate
I love, yet I run
I cannot distinguish
feeling from fun-
and now hes gone
a sign of goodness
and I am fond
of our memories
(though few) and sacred.
And again I am reminded
of that void
(in my heart)
where once he stood.
************************
I write
I write some more
all for what?
Just words jumbled
depicting how I feel
-if my judgment is real-
and it is-
so...
I write
and still I write
and now my hand hurts
from the pain of
transferring
emotions to paper
without the help of you-
only me
my heart
my brain
my hand,
and my pen
stand
between
emotion and paper
so,
I write, and still
I write....
**************************
The fear of closeness is my self-depression
I scream in the blackness of night
cold and alone, screaming for love
yet running into isolation
just
to cry myself through darkness
and the relationship between death and fear
seem to continue to reappear
as I scream into the blackness of night
*******************************
This is a poem to K, my dream man
whom I have thought about a thousand
times
whose gorgeous smiles and soft blonde hair
have gazed in sweetness at my beauty.
Tall, strong body standing
unmovable in obsession, smooth
face
bent in smiles, once crying for me
because of my basketball skills.
I have obsessed through summer
and searched the streets
time and time again
for his red Beretta when I needed to see
his sweet smile, but he hurt
me because
he thought I knew
he thought I was beautiful
my blond, curly hair and bright eyes
but now I see that it was
never true
his obsession was with himself...
his athletic body takes hold
and I believe that we could be be one
after a while, especially in truth...
so I write this for K, my love,
forever
***************************
Like a flower you bloom and die
and like a woman I ask you why
inside your heart you feel untrue
so I am no longer in love with you
**************************
Stomping my trust with boots of steel
all that I am is all that I feel
trust is nothing
sounds of hate
in my vision
dreams of fate
flights inside my own world
flying bitterly over my soul
hustling up and over and through
the walls that keep me from you
***************************
I believe I am a bat underneath
a creature of the night
blind in every way
but a keen sense of sound,
an ability to detect by feel
and noise, and smell-
I believe I am a cat underneath
always longing to be touched
petted, comforted
always fighting for attention
and always ready to love-
I believe I am a rat underneath
sneaky and deceptive, but only to a few
always hiding some emotion
always carrying a nasty secret
like a disease I cannot rid-
I believe I am a person underneath
somewhat human, somewhat sane
maybe a girl without a name
with a queer smile
and large eyes
hiding from fear, hate and lies-
I believe I am me underneath
whoever that may be.....
*************************
I am being sucked under
this undertow is too strong
my mind has been spinning for too long
I grasp for truth and I run from hate
I cannot seem to seal my fate
in the darkness my palms
stretch outward-
wont you pull me out
wont you help me?
Have some pity, just save me
I am hearing bells
they are ringing in my ears
maybe just the voices of fear?
*************************
To you it is fun
to me it is real
I pretend not to care
but I cant help the way I feel
you think I just want to play
and I guess it is true
but deep inside there is more
there is a strong bond between me and you
it may not last
It's probably a joke
but I will risk my feelings
for it all to go up in smoke
to you I am someone
to me you are you
we are just human
and we do only what we want to do
****************************
I am not here
not writing this
not alive
not dead
but somewhere
out there
between life and death
love and hate
truth and deceit
somewhere
can you find me?
Just try
don't cry
or ask why
but look
make me real
let me feel
the way you do
is it you
whom I love
or hate?
*******************
There is something inside of me
that needs to come out
I need to open up
and let everyone see
the Real me
there are some who say I don't care
that I will take what comes-
just because it's there.
Do they understand
that I am not like them?
There is something Ive been
hiding
inside of my body
inside of my soul
It is trapped
and I like it
an now I must go
back to my Self
for I am now lonely
or am I?
Only you would know-
for you are me....
***********************
Is there a door out of here
can I leave, and reappear
somewhere else-
someone else?
Is there a choice left to be made
will this love be forbade
forever-
of us?
Somewhere I hear a voice
it is crying out in shame
this faceless voice
shares my name....
Out of here, away from this
I dream of being clean
waiting foolishly to be seen
by you-
forever?
Is there a door out of here
can I really disappear
into darkness-
or into the sun?
*****************************
It starts out on a normal note
same ole, same ole-
I starve to get your attention
while wondering if you even care-
occasionally you return my stare.
By and by you start to change
are we playing some kind of game?
You become different
in unexplainable ways
and I become upset-same ole, day after day
Then I regain my self control
and you return to your innocence
and I forgive your quietness
and again I crave your touch
and you return the favor-
only wish I could hold you forever.
I have not decided how I feel
or whether my feelings are for real
but I do know that my heart
has a steady beat for you
and I will continue to desire you
as long as you remain true
*************************
My hands are cracking and becoming raw, I can almost see the bones,
somewhere outside I hear your voice, it is striking me like stones.
The hatred that I sense is fear, staggering into my own soul,
with my rotting body I continue, burrowing deeper into this hole,
The constant drum of acid rain, the never-ending storm of fear,
all these thoughts enter my mind, all become dull and disappear.
Still I push on afraid to stop, afraid to rest or to eat,
my decrepit body is growing tired, stinking like rotten meat,
And then I wake up from this dream, from this heinous nightmare,
my eyes no longer feel heavy, I focus in on your stare,
Your eyes pierce me like poison, I can not turn away,
Therefore, my enemy, my friend, we must join one another today.
******************************
Crazy as it seems
I am busting at the seams
my threads are torn and worn
and my thoughts have turned to steam
no one is real
inside of my mind
no one can feel
like the one I left behind
somewhere I will walk away
I will live another day
and begin to crack
when I forget to pray
As weird as it sounds
my solitude has found
a way into your heart
and pinned you to the ground
***************************
For Gabe
The world fights its own
murderer of minds
stalker of dreams
nothing is ever what it seems
terrors are born
but not of men
-demons who wear nothing but sin
into the minds of those alone
needing the pain to suffer the Stone
the tears they cry are not wet
the sounds they make are not words
the inner peace is never there
two eyes never stopping the stare
this war within
comes not from the world
this battle we find
is all in our mind.......
***********************
Sometimes I think I must be crazy
to think that I am real
sometimes I think I wish I were dead
or just unable to feel.
My legs move in constant stride
my eyes see only pain
I really cannot feel myself
only the down-pouring rain.
I consciously feel the guilt
that no one else could know
I know that while I am dreaming
I am awake also.
Sometimes I think I am dead
or maybe just insane
just your voice ringing in my head
thrashing and crashing into my brain.
My senses are slowed to a stop
my awareness begins to disappear
every muscle in my body
fails to react to fear.
My blood is ripe with rage
my heart is but the core
just tell me that I am crazy
or my brain will shut the door.
*************************
Cold and alone we sit
arm in arm
waiting for the sun
waiting for this world to rip us apart
away from one another-
just another brick in the wall?
Time and again I see myself
with someone
with you-
but this time is for real
we are one
joined by heart and soul
never again will we be cold
or stoned and alone
but together free
and happy
in a good state of mind.
Cold and alone we sit....
but only in memory........
****************************
From the beginning without a doubt
I knew I would live to come out
alone
strangely innocent yet undecided
an inner turmoil beginning to form
while my feelings unravel
into a big ball of shit.
In the end it is found
that I am alone on the ground
eating the dirt
that I was treated like
while the sun beats down on my skin
and bakes my soul within
which was on its way out-
Now, its over
and the beginning was
the End....
************************
Someday maybe I'll be there
I'll live in peace and tranquil air
I'll serve my dreams as they serve me
maybe one day you'll be me
living in a world of trust,
secure and without informal lust.
Someday maybe but not today
I'll grow my wings and fly away
I'll fly so high I'll not come down
then when I'm you I'll hit
the ground....
***********************
In this world of hatred and war
we all wonder what life is for
killing and stealing, filth and disease
in the ground or on our knees
************************
I am desperate-
I am looking for a friend
a true friendship with no end....
I am meek
I know my strengths-
that I am not weak....
I am a memory
of a child so free
just a shadow
pretending to be me...
I am a lover
lost in the stars
in your eyes-
taken away by your lies...
I am a mother
my dream my child
so hopeful and wild....
I am a sinner
though I try
to stop my wrongs before I die...
I am a saint
marching with my friends -
leading them to no end...
I am your hell
you can never leave
until I hurt you
and make you bleed....
I am your goddess
you pray for me
I am someone who'll never be free.
***************************
Something I have been hiding from
has been following me
I guess it doesn't matter anyway
considering I was never free
I close my eyes and wish it away
I know, though, that it will stay
in my dreams it is so real
I think it may be you
but is it possible to feel
if dreams never come true?
************************
Sometimes I see myself as just a user
sometimes a loser
but all is the same when you don't feel
when all you do is pretend to be real
sometimes my eyes are too dark to see
I am so unaware of what you think of me
I try so hard to become a friend
to promise companionship until my end
those days are long and some are hard
I run so fast but don't make it far
sometimes I lose my sense of pride
and I take everyone along for the ride
unaware that I may hurt
and treat others no more than dirt
but if only others could see my pain
the inside anger driving me insane
maybe then they would understand
that all I am asking is for your hand.
****************************
Scream
scream at me loud
so that I may hear-
fight my anger with your fear
show me
the way
in to the hole you call a heart
I never wanted this from the start
Cry
real tears
drown your fears
sleep away all those years
spent in pain
or the rain
all of the guilt feelings of shame
Scream
yell the truth
I am unaware of your care
and all I can do
is sit and stare.
************************
I am spitting out my brain to get your attention
I am choking on my heart to gain your love
I crawl through caves of sarcasm
just to reach inside your mind....
and even then I do not find
a reason to follow you, to try and touch
your heart- to become you, or me.
I spit forth my feelings and control
my desire-
all just to prove that I am real
don't try to tame me, or maim me, or
force me to be normal-
for you can see
that I am not...
***************************
How many days must I spend asleep
how many dreams to make me weep
how long till you realize my need
how much time til you make me bleed
when will the sun rise and fall upon
your subtle eyes....
how many nights are spent alone
wondering where love lies?
If it is possible for you to care
to break my solitude and make me aware
why do you stay so far away
so long ago, so many days?
Sleep next to me my friend and hope
and let loose your grip on Lifes' rope.
*************************
Consider me your only friend
I control your life- there is no end
I wipe the tears that I make you cry
I save the regret for the day you die
I preserve the hope you left behind
I make yours all that is mine
I take with me all things past
I want to love you , to make life last
Everything that you want, can be
all that you love must be me
I salvage trust which you forbade
I hide the memories that we made
tell me now that time is fake
and I'll take my time before you wake
to forgive your sins and my sins too
if only I knew why I love you....
***************************
Nighttime is when my soul awakens-
because there is no light to shine on
his face. So dark he is hidden from
the world
nighttime is when I pray-when I
thank god that it is not day
when all is dark my mind is bright
lit by the smell of your sweet lips-
kept hidden by your large
heart that takes such good
care of me-
and then the sun comes up and
I awaken from my bliss-
and all my memories fade away
like a wandering cloud without
a home.
*********************
Why am I pressured to be
what I am (not)?
Why does everyone want me to
feel if really I do not?
When can I choose who I want to care
for me, for my heart, my life-
when in this world will I be clean
set free and untarnished with vanity?
Why does the heart which beats for me
beat so foolishly?
Why may the heart for which I care
be so completely unaware?
Why am I honored
why am I looked up to
when all I am
Is a poor
selfish
bitch?
*************************
My oval shaped mind is caught in a wire
my feet are sore, I can get no higher
I am falling twenty feet or maybe more
I am aiming straight for your back door
the fire in my heart is out-
I can no longer be me
my desire for what was
will no longer be-
I can hear with my thoughts, as I
can see with my pain,
no senses or sights can overtake my brain
purely emotional I stand tall,
like Goliath I will fall,
and like a leaf fallen down
I will remain on the ground.
**********************
Like a psychedelic boy who has no toy
I play around with my mind
in all the time I spend alone
I still continue to find
that I am zero I am none
I am dirt under the sun
I am shit that you don't want
I've been left here just to rot
I am nothing to all but me
why then, am I even me?
Sitting alone like a Stone
higher than the telephone
I watch the walls as I sit
bare feet, bare ass, eating shit
I just ate you, now you sleep
and I laughed as you began to weep
I finally learned how to find
the fact that I had left behind
I am zero I am None
I do not live to have fun
I am shit that sat and dried
Ive been alone, I have cried
I am fear in the midnight sun
why am I me, if anyone?
**************************
I am wet
like a puddle of spit
just a waste in everyone's eyes
I grow meeker with each lie
as time goes by
and still I cry
I reach my decision
to become dry-
cleanse myself and purify
nothing left
all is black
no need to be so shy
my nighttime has come
and I will sleep
no longer do I weep
and no longer am I wet
like spit
from the pits
of the stomach of fools
I am dry
and purified
and I am thankful
that my flesh has died.
***********************
Sometimes I breathe you in
I abduct you from your skin
I steal your heart
and eat it carelessly
unknowing of the scars I have left
when all I wanted was hope
but now I am swinging from this rope
and it is unraveling
I am hanging above a pit of snakes
all my thoughts quiver and shake
my heart is an earthquake
now I've been saved...
by you!
And again I use your love
as a weapon
against myself
and in my mind I dwell
hiding from pain
and the scars I left in shame
from the face of
a devoted soul-
and I lure you in
on my fishing pole....
***************************
Nighttime is careless of the casualties
it's taking debts and charging fees
it forsakes you onto a mindless path
heading straight for the day of wrath
when all you know is all you lose
as you walk sipping on your booze
trying to figure out the cause
when suddenly your life seems to pause
a flashing light gives you air
and you suck it in from everywhere
Nighttime will come for you
stealing your soul and tearing it in two
burying memories of the past
today's the day.....the one and last
****************************
Something has erupted
inside of me
a wall has been formed
and I will never be free
there are mirrors
that graze my image
and constantly I am reminded
of my life-- a huge mirage...
This wall is pure and hard
and cannot be broken down
even the hottest liquids
could not melt it down
I am trapped within
my soul slowly withers away
there are so many things
that I would like to say
but this great barrier
continues to warp my mind
under every emotion
is a path leading through time
If you attempt to climb
these electric walls of steel
be prepared to feel
pain you never dreamed you'd feel.
**************************
What has love done to you?
Have these things become untrue
that amongst us is a dream
a hatred for the world?
**************************
Scatterbrained
I whisper through my doughnut hole
my eyes are blue
have you noticed?
Can you be my happy heart...
a clown in my three-ring circus?
Synchronize with me
underline the sentence
that belongs to Me
I cry through a paper cup
I know there's Time where you are
is it nice where you are?
In this world of crude
crust is in the oven
so does that mean you?
Or me?
Or a soul without deformity...
peanut butter spread
on my igloo
I never traded you for
an ice-cream cone...
***********************
Gabe
He is in my heart
his fingers touch my soul
as I gently weep
his eyes burn holes in my mind
so deep
that I lose my memory
all that I am
is all that I know
He is an angel
he came swiftly from the night
and the time I spent wondering
could be spent Being.
He is in my heart
his face is outlined
as though it were traced
-the feeling he provokes
and evokes
is whole
and natural
He is an angel
of the dark
and he will live forever
inside of my heart...
***************************
I stare at your blue eyes
am I infatuated with unreality
so abused that I lose touch?
Lonely and depressed and other such?
But who could know besides myself
only the one whose love is real
I can not understand what I feel
can you believe my red lips?
See inside my face and blush
my temporary pride is a rush-
pain ignites and I am dead
**********************
Sometimes I think to myself
why am I not like everyone else
I feel the pain of Acid Rain
drenching me (a dirty stain)
The wind is colder on my side
the shadows weep and yell and hide
my world is dark
it is absolved in hate
please shut the door and seal my fate
I just wanna be alone
I just wanna cry
so wrap your heart around me
and we can fly
I just wanna live without you
holding on to dreams of love so true
no one else could make me feel this way
so take off your shoes and stay
*****************************
I do not want to leave my footsteps
in the sand...
I would much rather leave them
imprinted in your heart
if you will not remember me
what good is experience?
Why shall I, being of cruel nature, breathe-
while, alone, you smile and stare?
Have I not caused enough
torture......
heartache......pain......
to last 4 lifetimes?
(what good is 4 lifetimes, isn't 1 enough?)
I do not choose to isolate myself
just because I am better
or more respected
than you …..
it is something
that just happens.
**************************
Like a battered wife I pretend
to smile, pretend to laugh
pretend I'm normal-
then like a spreading fire
I turn on myself
I no longer play the game
of life or death
it is Now
sanity or insanity
Are you complaining?
****************************
Something is missing
and I know who it is
and you know too-
you know where you've gone
and left me-
but only I know the pain.
Only I know the wondering, and the anxiety-
how could you possibly know how much I care?
One kiss could not prove
a sincerity!
A forced impression of pure perfection
is my first instinct
but I am caught off guard
and drawn into a moral respect
for you.....
something is missing
-my heart-
for it is with you
so far away
***********************
My heart is my best friend
it is the core of my happiness
there are no arguments
except for love
there are no secrets-
I know all
The truth comes out
and we share the trust
and the security we get
from each other.
My heart is my partner in crime
my sins are his
and his are mine
there is excitement
and there is hope
We dwell not on the past
but we look through time
into the future
and what it holds.
Our thoughts are the same
our memories unnamed
and I hope to care forever
for my best friend.
6-6-1997
*********************
God only knows how much I care
Are you even a little aware
Between the sky and ground I lie
Repeating words from you and I
Inside my heart a light comes on
Even if you cannot stay
Love will always find a way
Before you let me say goodbye
Are you going to cry-
Killing time within our souls
Entering through our mind's black holes
Return the vow and I am yours...
July 1997
**********************
Dark Clouds
storm clouds
any clouds
are our clouds
dance with me
build a castle
swim the sea
make a man
this is our
city in the sand.
For Gabriel Baker
July 1997
***********************
A frown could be an open door
a place where we could hide
a smile could be a dark pathway
where we could continually ride
a heart could be the core of pleasure
a place where love is found
a name is a certain identity
to which we are all bound
an escape is an act of courage
which only comes to the strong
a success is a larger moral
than just 'getting along'.
****************************
It was unwanted
like the pity we get from strangers
it was accidental
like life sometimes is
but I like it
now....
and who is to say that it is
wrong?
Who is it to say that
it is a game?
I was unreachable
and he was shy
I have joined the circle
and now shall fly
He has been brought away
from his own fear
of closeness
and I alike....
we both will survive
and living a part
of each others lives.
****************************
Someone is knocking on my brain
the fear rings out
It is hollow
and I can hear it vibrating
someone is watching me
through my own eyes
and beyond my heart lies
a firefly...
it is not free
it is not free
no, and it will never be
Again I hear footsteps
and they also are hollow
and their sounds follow
the tracks left by you
on my heart.
The screams have been caught
and caged in
and my fear has been brought
to the eyes of the men
who have left me here
in total fear
that one day I'll disappear
Someones knocking on my brain
and I am not going to answer
but I will lock the door.
**************************
I ( as in myself)
can no longer be the (who) that I Am
no person has what it takes to go any
longer than they have to, to
fight their own Judgement.
My (as in me) Will is gone, I
need a hope, an answer
for life is so unkind
love is so hard to find
and I have pushed away any attempts at
companionship or closeness
but now I must break free
first I will try and Be
I (or Me, or Her) it will not be easy
Must I forget all Ive learned ?
Undo all Ive been taught?
My understanding is that it is simple-
Lies (my Truth) shall not prosper
and I will one day try to
come to my Senses and I will Be
Clean (in the sense that I am Free)
*************************
Abortion
They hover above me, but still I am not seen
They argue about my life, and I am
stuck in between.
I have not been given the chance
to speak, or to cry, or to
love, or even to see.
Yet still so many choices
about what to do with me.
The end is near and you have decided
the choice wasn't even hard,
I know that I am just a problem,
but shouldn't I at least be heard?
Now I choke-
on your blood and mine
the line between life and death is so fine
I am being torn apart
killed mercilessly
Although I have not had a chance
to live.
It is not fair;
I try to scream
but you don't care
only my heart hurts
for you never gave me a chance
and my death is not quick and easy.
I lay in a puddle of our
intermingled blood
soaked in desperate red,
I have not yet been born
but I am already dead...
*************************
Under the dark blanketed skies
the moon gathers me in,
for a moment I am without sin,
cradled in complete darkness...
I know no fear
I know no hate
the outstretched arms of hope
give me warmth
and support my heart
for my heart has been
weakened from deceit
but now I am encased with power
and in the darkness I call for you
*************************
I cry out in agonized pain
something is treading on my brain
my eyes have gone blind and I can no longer hear
my thoughts are deranged, corroded with fear
No one hears my desperate cries
soon my brain weakens and dies
and does anyone mourn for me?
Only the voices of hypocrisy.
************************
I am floating
above a lake of dreams
the life that I know
is not what it seems.
I must return
to the ground
my love will spread
the peace around
and over the mountains
of great pride
I shower feelings
which I cannot hide
all my grief
will come to an end
all because
you are my friend
**********************
I am discouraged
I know that I can not be
real
my eyes are shutting
and I cannot
feel.
What is this?
Your underwear is burning
and I smell coffee
is it really time for bed?
Or is it in my head
more immoral thoughts
ringing out in fear
and I appear
to reappear
then disappear
and you
what are you (doing) ?
**************************
Broken thoughts
divert my eyes
from seeing through
all those lies
constant worry
frantic hurry
sporadic movement of the wheel-
can you predict how I feel?
Never assume
or never ask why
never die to be prepared
but always be prepared to die
of course
life must end
so, with this, friend
I must assume that.....
uh oh, I have assumed?
My emotions are confused
my feelings chatter
with my heart
life is a play and I have
played my part
**********************
My one friend has begun to cry
heart broken and ready to die
is she fake or is she real
being stunned and unable to feel.
Eaten, with red soul rising high
away from life into the sky
by night she is in constant fear
your conscience is burning, death is near
carelessness, envy and pride prevail
like the moon her face is pale
cancer has won this internal war
now she wonders what life is for?
First word in each line
***************************
************************
I am nonexistent.....I have been annihilated
by my own stubbornness.
I devour the emotions of men and
spew the remainders into a
pit of devastation-
as I watch them perish into a
sea of darkness...
I know not what men consider beauty
for I am of the flesh; ugly, distorted
inelegant-
floating in personal fulfillment
I grasp for form, but my brilliance
does not outshine the sun
and I am again returned to the
darkness of my self-destruction.
My soul is empty
wanting a friend
a lover- a perfect person,
but I am apathetic
to others demands-
it's as if I am rabid,
on the run, ready to die...
so I warn, keep your distance,
for I may bite.
8-23-1997
*****************************
I am time. Literally. Everyone looks at me as
if I am heartless and cruel. Uncaring of them.
I must say, that it is partly true. I must fulfill
my duty-to pass as quickly as possible and
bring as many people with me as I can. In
saying this, I mean Age. I must make everyone
experience me. Live through me. Die through me.
Everyone thinks of me as cruel. Believe me, every
time I bring along with me some poor, beautiful
little girl, who in my hands, ages to a wilted,
decrepit old woman, and eventually to a stiff,
lifeless body...it hurts me. But it is my duty, my
job. And, as a doctor must not get upset over the
death of his patients, I must not dwell on the
victims of time (me). Yes, In a way I am a
killer. I do not wait for anyone. I do not speed
up for anyone. And, above all, I can never be stopped!
My name is time; my duty is time; my life is
time... and yes, I do have feelings.
10-20-1997
**********************************
The world was at the mercy of an
unexplainable force. It could not be stopped.
It could not be helped. All in all, it was
a beautiful thing. Like when the edges
of the dark sky lifted and let out a
small amount of light, enough to
recognize the features of inanimate
objects. When the sun, after days of
refusal to shine, finally busted through
the thick clouds. Like life, fear was everywhere.
All I could hear was my own voice repeating
yesterdays actions. As it goes, it goes.
And it too shall pass. And as we
all know, it went carelessly. The world, again,
was decaying. It was being broken down.
For the better. There was nothing like the
stench of rotting life.
The murder of time. Fearless enemies
of youth. It is beautiful... the ruins.
All in all it was a beautiful death
(of the world).
10-27-97
*******************************
We eyed one another in silence, then we died
we huddled our bodies close as everyone cried
everyone knew that life was gone
no one understood what went wrong
the fire in the city glowed in our eyes
burning the outline of every single lie
The never-ending stench of rotting flesh
remained embedded into our heads.
Our minds went fuzzy and dark
and all our memories fell apart
we eyed one another in silence, then we died
we knew how to live, but never tried
our souls began to drift away
becoming more distant every day
we prayed for life for death was dull
yet nothing compared to our own souls
when the sun fainted behind the sky
and all the life prepared to dies
we eyed one another in silence, then said
'now life is over, we are all dead'
10-28-97
******************************
Dancing on the Pale White Moon
The time has come. The end is near
all our lives are filled with fear
dancing on the pale white moon
shows that death will be here soon.
'come hither all ye noble men
whose lives are pure and without sin
come stay with me inside the night
and pray for your deliverance tonight'
...and no one came. And no one came.
No one lives without sin and shame
Fire burns, water cools. Darkness prevails.
Your soul is free, your mind is not,
your heart is impaled.
'All ye whoso knoweth your fate
Follow me and abide by faith
whilst I dance on the pale, white moon
praying that death will come soon'
And with that the time came
and there is no one for to blame
the moon explodes and life dies
this is the world through my eyes.
11-28-1997
*******************************
In front of me there is a lamp
it hovers over my bed
I am wading in the light
bu my mind is in darkness
I am unknown to you
but I love you
and- you love me
at my side there is a clock
it keeps track of my life
I am alarmed by its accuracy
do you care?
“no- I don't”
well, you should
even though
you do not know
that you know me....
**********************************
I have been savoring you
shedding my skin
only just to absorb the light
I have been threatened by your absence
tonight
the moon has shriveled
and hangs limp
lifeless
among the pines
among the clouds that can not be seen
by you
I have been waiting
for warmth
but the sun refuses to shine
I am blistered by the cold,
dark, wind
where is the care you promised
to send?
*****************************
Somewhere
you smiled
somewhere
you cried
is this the place
where I have died?
Someone
has left
someone
has grown
is this the person
I have known?
***********************
A constant relapse
into a state of abnormality
I face the ghosts
of my own darkness.
I am forced to witness
my own execution-
gazing at the demise of my soul.
You hover above me in horror,
sacrificing your own integrity
to apprehend my soul.
I am living in a revelation
and I am reaching out to you
in the hour of my destruction
************************
The days of my youth are gone
only remorseless memories remain
I am battling with constant rage
only just to stay insane
What is it like in your world?
Is the passing of Time real?
Here I am pressured to act in routine
generally the opposite of what I feel
My reveries have become my life
everything else has passed away
would you be willing to sacrifice your life
so that I could be normal some day?
********************************
A dark cavern
full of broken hearts
its cold ground
chills the feet of those who enter
Love is the name
of the architect
whose brilliance
is the founder of this dark chasm
**************************
Serenity
peace
illusion
life is just a mirage
hearts are a truth
and the truth has been broken-
has yours?
*********************
I am sardonic of this idea
of this life
of horror and death
of women and men
of the world
of this tyranny of truth
of all men who know
of all the things
of this life
I am sardonic of all this...
**********************
Virtual Insanity
Insanity is psychosis, an aberration in the mind
is my harsh world really that hard to find?
Taking advantage of time is abominable and severe
over and over I memorize my fear
my own dignity cannot withstand destruction
life will end in helpless abduction.
Vanity is something unneeded in my place
is there hatred in the creases of my face?
No feeble human can take advantage of me
more grievance will come to those who do not see.
Will I ever be normal, or even sane?
This is a question which will always remain
impurity of my soul has washed away all desire
ever-lasting deceit makes me a liar
end this game and start anew
my sinister heart belongs to you
only one can truly know how I feel
friend, my only friend, is my insanity real?
First word in each line
12-15-97
********************************
I can see you-
so are you real?
Do you know what it's like to feel?
-
Do you understand life-
or death?
Or the effects of crystal meth?
Me neither-
me nor-
I cannot open that door
that leads to the world beyond.
Before us is a face
of no one race
there is a trace
of blood-
and the creases form a barrier
which will not break-
there is a mistake
I cannot take
your hand....
this face is mine
I am slowly dying
and I can no longer feel-
so-
am I real?
*****************************
Calm me, my majestic lover, and cool me in the Taj
have sympathy for my ignorance, and my blind love too
are you aware of all that I am, of all I am associated with
reason cannot understand, and I don't understand your reason
leave me here to die in regret, listen to my anguished cries
envy me with your green eyes, but do not watch me rot
even I, dead and gone, can sense your presence; who
never forget my last words, my aged companion
12-15-97
first letter in each line , last letter in each line
*******************************
In your sincerest moment
in my darkest hour-
I understand your regret
that our love had to sour-
I know that you are real
and that I am not-
so sit aside my friend
and watch my soul rot.
************************
Instead of pain
instead of grief
instead of fearless disbelief
instead of doubt
instead of tears
instead of worry through the years
give me love
give me care
make my heart feel aware
take this piece
take this thought
take these dreams I have sought
keep them locked away
let them see darkness
keep my pain
and set me free
if you care-
rescue me
*****************************
As I cried to myself
I noticed a new sense of fear
within these walls I call a shell
I can see my way darkened by hell
I feel so alone yet I can only imagine
life that is free
no people, no chains,
no feeding remains
I cry to myself
I cry tears of blood
I have rinsed your life
or mine
with blood
can you see me
can you save me
will I ever
just desecrate
into hopeless bitterness
or will I survive?
******************************
Sensing fear I run away
I beg again for light of day
the angels of darkness cannot see
my inner pain killing me
I turn to face the sun
the shine blisters my soul
I am filled with suspicion
as I watch the evil toll
Through the fog I see you cry
you begin to walk my way
I move forward to meet you
I don't know what to say
I take your hand and close my eyes
I picture your face, so dear
I wonder again why I run
from stupidity and fear
you reach out to me
you take my soul into your hand
I fall into your subtle eyes
as my body turns to sand
once again I run away
I pray for the darkness to end
my angels cannot find me
now I must pretend....
***************************
Political reveries will never
come true
worldliness will murder you
science of mind
and history of fear
make light again
for the new year
Insane pupils
habitual offenders
raiders to the mind
they swallow hope
and choke on love
and leave the truth behind...
************************
I like you a lot, I cant speak of love
I've never loved anyone before
I don't know what it is
I care about you, I cant make a promise
I've never promised anyone before
I don't know what that is
I can give to you all you
need,
but I cannot assume
the thoughts,
I can make your heart bleed,
but I cannot hide what you have
sought.
The end.
**********************
Here comes the rain again-
it is closer than before;
Its acid seeps into my skin
and hides in every pore.
I am drowned in my desire
to become pure and free-
but the scent of evil lingers on
and dances all around me.
I pray to god to help me through
this world of lasting pain-
but every time I think I am free
I am re-united with the rain.
The rain is cold and freezes my soul
into a block of ice;
and to free myself of all these evils
I must pay the price.
Deceit crawls up my sleeve
and clutches at my heart;
It strangles every vessel
until my features fall apart.
And every strip that hits the floor
leaves a bloody stain;
and I lay dying, piece by piece,
in the pouring rain.
1997
*************************************
I think that maybe,
possibly...
I wonder if somehow...
yes-I have found my way
I am no longer a stray
a nobody castaway-
someone has rescued me
but who could that be?
Myself and my own pity?
I think that probably
maybe I
just learned
that things take Time-
and now I've found
that all around
there is hope-
and now I am happy....
*******************************
If I ask for a chip
from your bag of Doritos
will I get one with cheese?
****************************
Fauna
I struggle to breathe. My lungs ache. Pain
fills my body as I drift in and out of
consciousness. My heart has been crushed
by the insensitivity of Fauna, the one
whom I blame for my death. I now
lay here hanging on to the last thread
of life. Thoughts enter my mind, but I
am so stricken with pain that I can not
concentrate. Fauna has taken her words
and ruined my life, taken my life
and picked it apart, detail by detail.
Fauna is still a mystery. She dares
not show her face, for her beauty
would be revealed to the world, and
as is her insecurity, may be taken away.
The reason for my death is simple. I
got too close. I became wise to the
ways of Fauna, and she got scared.
She had to destroy me, and that she did.
I will lay here for days, probably-
wishing that my death would come
sooner. Yet I know that I must suffer.
Struggle to breathe. Pretend I am
dead. For it is my fate. And it has
been fulfilled.
12-1-97
*******************************
Crowned by the angel of darkness
I have come here to be a bride
Systematically drawn into death
I will take you along for the ride
caring not of pain or fear
If I must, I will stay here
only to relive the thoughts
deranged to the world
this angel of darkness
has come
and will stay
forever today
b
e
c
a
u
s
e
I have been crowned
by the angel of darkness
torturingly losing all sense of morality
12-3-1997
*************************
A piece of you
a piece of me
flesh is burning rapidly
the catalog
of life is expired
the shopping malls
have all hired
camouflage adorns the streets
angel dust in driving fleets
across the streets
brains are scattered
torn lives
bruised and tattered
stinking life
in forms of pain
left to drown
in the acid rain
A piece of you
A piece of me
flesh is burning rapidly
**********************
Unbelievers
fill the room
with unthoughtful words
can we
not
make them understand
that they are
deaf
to what they've heard?
No faith,
no hope-
well, I ask,
what happens then,
when you are dead-
tattered and soaked in blood?
Nonbelievers surround
me-
I cannot believe
that they
do not
believe.
******************************
Broken heart
I stare at the pieces that you have made
they are shattered, broken and torn
I feel the coldness that you knew
I feel as though I shouldn't have been born
Why did you have to leave me here
alone and without a friend
why did I fall so quickly for you
when I knew it would soon come to an end?
Where are you , while I sit and cry
while I stare blankly at my wall
are you doing to another the same as me
will you act so selfishly to all ?
My heart bleeds and my soul cries
and you do not even care
you have left me with a broken heart
and you are apathetic and unaware
***************************
For Mother
For years your worn and dry hands
have caressed my soul with care-
your soft blue eyes have comforted me
when no one else was there.
Your smile was such pleasure
and it brought such joy to my heart
now that I am all grown up
I realize that you have done your part
You have led me through
the fields of promise, love and praise
you have held my hand inside your own
and led me through life's maze.
You have sacrificed your youth and beauty
all to let me join life's race.
And now I believe in my soul
that there is no beauty
like the light upon your face.
You have held me when I've cried
you have wiped the tears away
and If it had it to do again
I wouldn't change a single day.
So mother, let me tell you now
just how much I care
and that if you ever need me
I will always be right there.
I love your smile, I love your heart
I love the truth in your eyes,
and if life is all just a game
I have won the grand prize-
you.
I love you!
1997
********************************
A cursed experience
and a bottomless pit
an angry friend
with a loss of wit
a crazy place
and a hot red fire
across many lands
many hearts tire.
***************************
As darkness peers over the moon with
its shadowy face
it reaches out to me and gathers
only empty space
Space which contains so much fear,
that the heavens forbid the lone embrace.
As the darkness begins to hide
from the newfound light
which is beginning to shine and peer
through the outstretched arms of fear
it turns the blindness into sight.
***************************
Fear
of what
of the world
of death
or maybe more
afraid of life
is it love
that makes me shake
is it hope that keeps me
alive?
1997
**********************
I am sorry
that I swallowed you whole
its just that
you looked so sweet
and innocent...
1997
**********************
Is that you I think I see?
Is that you on that cloud...cloud nine
am I freaking out and seeing things
and feeling things I shouldn't feel?
Or am I paranoid to think that you are real-
I see a boot that has just run away
it's stomping on me, crushing my pain
a watermelon rind is singing
and an orange is calling your name
but is it really you on that train
coming for me
waiting for me
making me think you really care
and then I see a dark cloud
it covers the whole sky
blinding my eyes
making me wonder why
and a coconut cream pie asks for a fork
it's just not fair
so unfair to see a plate that's not for me
or for you....just a tease
freezing my bones like an icicle
melting away my tears
which have formed over so many years
would you call if you had a phone?
Would you be the ice cream in my cone?
1997
**********************
I shall walk beside you
I awoke from my sleep and heard you cry
I whispered softly, I asked you why
you turned your head away from me
at that moment I could see
you are alone although I am here
my visible presence will not stop your tears
I decide to leave, it is the only way
and while I am gone I will pray
I will pray for you and for me
and for the love that ceased to be
for in my days of youth and play
I never once heard you say
“I will never leave you”
but now I know it is true
You would never leave, unless you died
you rather suffer despite your pride
but that's Ok, because life goes on
and I am happy, yes I have won
I no longer remember your face
I do not long for your embrace
I do not cry over the past
yes- I recovered rather fast
But you, you come to me in pain
you yell at me, call me insane
But I am strong and I do not fade
I ask you why our love was forbade
you answer me with a voice so weak
that I cannot hear you when you speak
you then come close and whisper in my ear
and I feel the warmth of a single tear
as it slides down my cold cheek
and soaks into my heart, now weak
I break down and begin to cry
I realize that my love never died
I understand that my heart is for you
and I cannot stop it from being true
You whisper to me so soft in my ear
your words calm my only fear
my fear that you will die alone
yet that fear was not my own
you did not want to fade away
without a soul in the world to say
'he was a good man, true and sincere
he lived a good life thru many a year'
yes, I answer, I will be there
I will love you true and fair
but only if you promise me
that you will never leave
that you will never cry again
that you will repent for your sins
that you will love me till I'm old
that you will cherish me more than gold
that you will hold me as I die
that you will look into my eyes
that you will stay forever with me
and love me always, hopelessly.
You take a deep breathe and nod your head
now I know our love is not dead
I know that we were meant to be
and that happiness doesn't come for free
then you tell me, and promise it true
'I shall walk beside you-
I shall hold your hand and sing
I shall give you everything
I shall make our love a song
the past is over I admit I was wrong
those days were hard and I was weak
and therefore I could not speak
but now I know you are my light
you are the fear I will not fight
you are the moon, you are the sun
in my heart you are the only one
you are the stars, you are the earth
I promise you all I am worth
that my love is sincere and true
and I shall walk beside you'.
I cry so hard that you open your eyes
I know these words are not lies
I take your hand and kiss your face
and I long for your embrace
Now I know my life is for you
and I am no longer feeling blue
…...I love you
…...only you
…...and you love me too (?)
1997
************************
BlissNinja 