I added the Autobiographical Fractal Framework and Trip stories in this volume because I wrote them during the span of time that is encapsulated within this particular book. The trip took place at the end of 1999, and the autobiographical framework stopped at the trip. As I continue backwards through time, in a sort of 'Dreaming Back' as W.B Yeats would call it, it is vital to the understanding of my Art and my Story in this timeline. Everything that I experienced in that disMemberment and reMemberance and shamanic initiation, has continued to unFold within my neurology and biology, and biology becomes psychology, (just as psychology becomes physiology). My whole life has been an attempt to Integrate what was ripped open that day and night. I was quite literally shattered completely. I was already painfully sensitive but had now become a Raw Exposed Nerve Ending in Synaptic Rapture. The Current that had run through Me, was to take me the next 20+ years to finally Ground and reWire. It's all Current, See.....the Currency of this Dream.
For years now the need to complete the Story where I left off in the telling, after the trip, has been haunting me. I laid only the bare bones skeletal framework of my childhood and adolescence here, so that also will eventually be fleshed out. For my whole life has become a sort of Recapitulation of all the most intense Lifetimes that have been Lodged within my Fascial Matrix carried over again and again in crystallized synaptic patterns that reWeave Selves from Seams I have been unable to Let Go Of in this NeverEnding Story.
There are certain repeating patterns that loop over and over. I have tracked them and wooed them and played their game so often, and l am taking a step in this Incarnation to completely Clear the Vessel, so that the Seed that I drop in the fertile soil of my Matter Matrice WombTomb shall bear Fruit of an Entirely new Expression of Being. It is the purpose of me ripping open all of my seams and letting the filling fall out, sanctified, purified. I want to be completely transparent by the time I leave this Dream as Charleen, so the Light that pours through me can shine effervescently and without inhibition.
It is an entire Life's Work. It is the Magnum Opus. There is no other task. Every single thing I do in this playground is connected to that single Vision of prostration to the divine invective Kun! Be! And I have learned that to Be, Fully, one must be Free of the tangled memories and moments that bear narratives that weigh One down. In the telling of the personal Mythology, there is a redemption of the vessel. In the creation of an Alchemical Athanor, we are transforming the Matter of Self, and EveryThing Matters, literally, if It is to Know ItSelf.
I came to realize through the years in which this collection of poetry and writing came to be, that In a sense I had 'MK ULTRA'd myself. I had broken down my own consciousness in the same way that has been done for long periods of time by the Powers that Pretend to Be; I had overloaded my system and shattered the foundation with psychedelics. It was a slippery path and a razors edge of stitching myself back together in a sovereign manner and not giving way to external programming...
….in such an intensely sensitive psychic State for so long afterwards, the field was fertile for succumbing to the matrix manipulation of the overriding program of disempowerment. I definitely became extremely intimate with the various Alters and Sub-Personalities that made up my Psychic Tapestry. I would spend many years in a whirlwind of moods and madness and manic depressive pendulum surfing, trying to ravel myself back together in a functional way. I entertain the idea that I had scripted it in from the beginning, when I undertook this living dream, in order to assure that my life followed the trajectory I had chosen. It is all in my Natal Blueprint. Woven in. Healing and Wholeness and UnFiltered Expression of the Sovereign Self was to be my Life Mission, and in order to make that possible, I had to literally and metaphorically dig myself out of the purgatorial realms and navigate through every fractal landscape of my own darkness over time, slowly allowing myself to Let Go of all the painful narratives and myths that have shaped me. I am still undergoing that Great Work. For Alchemy never ends. And That Art Thou. We Are The Process.
Some of my most painful relational lessons were unfolded in this time period between 2003 and the end of 2016. It was a time of constant New Growth and New Letting Go and unbearable emotional darkness in many ways. I made some of the most painful decisions in my life thus far, during this time. I also made some of the most empowering statements of my sacred intention to live Free and in devotion to my Vision of sovereignty. I am grateful for all of the Pain and the Joy that have been a part of my Grand Dream. And I'm still Dreaming.
I am still making the Word Flesh. I am still learning to Embody more and more of what and who I am. I have always had a strong mental nature, and a tendency to intellectualize and become tangled in the vast array of my Mental Reality. The work of these years here contained, has been foremost the work of Leaving the Ivory Tower and Coming Down To Earth. I spent so much time building castles in the sky, so utterly dissociated much of the time into vast internal realms where I was disengaged with the physical realm. When I went through the initiation of pregnancy and birth, I had undertaken the most incredible magic of my life. It helped to configure me into this more dense and slow realm, one in which terrified me; for the wings of the spirit are so unfettered and swift, and the plodding path of the feet on the earth of the mother, can seem so desperately slow and torturous when the Self one is Playing at Being has at it's disposal a Mind that can travel the lightening path and disappear so easily into different dimensions, Hermes Quicksilver playing tricks with light and with thought. Thoth Psychopomp finally midwifing my own Spirit into Body as I birthed my Son into this World.
What a Sacred Task. And what a Mirror, as I brought the Light of my being more fully into Form, I literally brought the Light of my Heart, the most precious gift of all lifetimes, the Consummation of all my beautiful pains and sorrows in all timelines...through the portal of my womb and into this Earth Playground, with spirit unbroken, with body and soul and spirit intact and unfettered. Our Sacred Contract. The roles we have played for each other: "I will bring you through the Hymen of this world in sovereignty and protect your divinity until you can carry the weight of that task on your own.... ....and you will help me to ReMember my Joy...... You will help me find my PlaySoul...”
For I had grown so ancient, in so few earth years, this time around. My Consciousness had been inside the LiveWire for millions of years, for Aeons, and the small daily tasks of Living in Body seemed so overwhelming.
But through Mothering, my Heart grew so large and so full and so raw and so overwhelmed with the Beauty of Enmeshment in Flesh, that I became Wide Open to Life and to Love and to Light and to Laughter. The Puella Eterna finally grew up. And part of Growing Up, and Growing Out and In, is making choices and taking responsibility for those choices in Saturn's kingdom ....within the skin. And where skin touches skin. Where the All Sinks In to become Woven in Time and Space because that is the Marriage Bed.
I went from ‘hating the confinement of this PrisonGame' to the 'Absolute Adoration of the Beloved That is Everywhere and Everything' and I am filled to bursting with the Desire to Share my Descent and ReAscent and all the winding paths between. The Road goes on and on...And I look forward (and backward) to the Infinite Adventure...
I Thank you for being Witness to my Journey, and invite you to follow me further in Dreaming Back, and Telling my personal Mythology, through the next Volume of my Poetry and records of Psyche's Tasks.
BlissNinja 