A mass of sorrow mixed with blood

My mother is calling
and I never tried to hear
all my life I have lived in fear of fear
seeing only red
the color of blood
watching only for the rain
to cleanse everything with mud
I have been waiting for so long
just to find you here
waiting so many years
wanting nothing but to torture you-
into loving me....
my deepest , darkest fear
is that you will not know me
that you will pass me by...
and then my eyes will cry
but not me....
for my heart is not a heart at all
it is but a mass of sorrow mixed
with blood...
and now I am waiting for the 
filth cleansing mud. 

CLJ 1997