I am a part of some kind of ‘mission’ and I am in some sort of room with a projector screen. I am being beamed with a light and my vibration is increasing rapidly…at one point it starts getting quite intense and uncomfortable but I remain still and calm, because I know I need to be prepared and that is what the experience is for. I am thinking that my right side, near kidney , is the sorest during this but I feel it is due to the intense ‘Cellular Change’. Then I am in this big building and Angelina Jolie is there and she is part of the ‘mission’. I am lucid, but passive to the dream content, and the building we are in is quite large and majestic. It seems we are a team. At one point I am watching with others as she is dancing and singing on a stage in a white dress….she has about 8 backup dancers and when the song ends she bites each one on the neck like a vampire….part of her ‘duty’…and the dancers fall one by one to the floor bleeding and dead. But everyone watching thinks it is all part of the show, and fake. We know we must get away before they realize what happened. Then Angelina disappears and I am in the rafters of the building keeping out of sight. I see people running and screaming then, they have realized the dancers are dead. I see someone carrying one of the dancers away in their arms and the body is already decaying and fading away…..rigor mortis had set in. Very strange sight. At this point I am lucid still and very agile and jumping and flying around all the rafters and up the walls etc. Some men come in and are looking for us, they seem to know who we are and that we were a part of it all. I am still in the rafters and I climb thru the ceiling and into a secret spot in the attic, where it is an auditorium sorta…with, again….a big Projector Screen. There is a middle aged lady with a little girl there, waiting for the ‘screen picture’ to begin. Most of the seats are empty. I take a seat after speaking to the woman….and again I am Buzzed/zapped/penetrated with a beam of immense and intense Energy that is hard to tolerate. I go back down thru the rafters and an older ‘James Bond’ type dude is there and pulls out a gun…he doesn’t see me…I swing down and kick the gun out of his hand…….which causes all eyes to be on me. People are trying to capture me then. I flee out the door of the building and It is dark outside. I fly and swoop thru the sidewalk and across the road and fly up into the night sky. I suddenly have the sensation in my dreambody that usually precedes an Out-of-Body-Experience/Astral Projection. I revel in my now even more enhanced Lucidity and deeper state of awareness. I Dive down toward the earth(which is something I have always done in order to dive into a wormhole/vortex/Energy tunnel to travel to some other place/dimension/etc or to deepen my lucidity/ or to try and regain my lucidity when I start to feel my Awareness or DreamingEnergy diminishing. ) I am focused and gaining speed and frequency and clarity and diving straight into an energy vortex. Suddnly I see a vision of a movie box briefly, with an image of Tom Hanks and Colin Farrell on it…both naked and facing each other…a closeup shot at a beach somewhere….I am drawn into that beach and then am walking around there. I then see a large water vessel, sorta like a submarine….I am intensely lucid and excited at this point and I feel I know where I am going. I pull open a huge heavy door and enter the vessels interior hall……going on around and thru till I see a section with seats almost like a bus. There are a few people seated….and the vessel is moving. The driver is far up to the front somewhere, but he can see me. I recognize the two girls seated near the back, and they recognize me (from previous Dreamtime experiences). One of them says ‘Charleen, I don’t think you are supposed to be on this vessel’. I feel I know that already, but I am just poking around out of curiosity. The driver then mentions that I am not supposed to be there, also…apparently because of my role in the previous ‘Mission’ at beginning of dream with Angelina Jolie. I ‘know’ that I am/was a part of the group/team that are on this vessel, but I have offended them or ‘strayed’ by taking part in that other ‘mission’. I say “ I know” and laugh when they say I shouldn’t be there……then I jump up and crawl right through the top of the vessel and I am on top of it…the two girls follow me up to speak to me. I am wearing a skirt and squatting….I notice that my vagina is quite visible and so do they….I laugh and say “oops! I guess I am being obscene, like a proper Inverness girl!!!”.’ They say ‘Yes, you are’ and seem disappointed and annoyed at my antics. I realize then that there is a group of people after me because of my role in the other ‘mission’ . I fly away then and seek out a certain building where I know Angelina Jolie is. I cant seem to find it/her though and the people who are after me are getting closer and I am trying to trick them and get away…..but it is hard because they have had the same ‘Training’ as I have. So I am trying to outwit them moving they various dimensions and frequencies etc. Eventually I do find Angelina. ……she is sleeping naked in the top room/attic of our apparent ‘hideout’ building which seems to be up in the sky. I climb in through the window and lay down with her…..she is sleeping but I embrace her and hope the people will not find us. Finally she awakens….but is confused at first. I am trying to explain to her about the people after me……she then says ‘I know you…..you are from my dream….?!’….I say “ YES!!!!!That is right!” and I am trying to get her to remember the ‘mission’…..she says “ yes! Oh my god! The dancers!” and I say “ Yeah, you bit them like a vampire etc” and at this point it all came flooding back to her and she remembered we had been ‘Dreaming together’ and that we had been long time ‘dream buddies’. There is a seemingly immense ‘erotic’ yet nonsexual bond between us and I seem very devoted to her. We know then we have to get away from there because the people are going to find us any minute….so we hold each other and phase lock and ‘Fade Out’ of the dream environment consciously.
Me and fellow Hostel dwellers from SF travelers inn summer 2000My first poetry reading at the Brainwash Cafe in SF
“Beyond a given point man is not helped by more “knowing,” but only by living and doing in a partly self-forgetful way. As Goethe put it, we must plunge into experience and then reflect on the meaning of it. All reflection and no plunging drives us mad; all plunging and no reflection, and we are brutes.”
💀Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death💀
🌟 I had just Plunged again, running from the madness of incessant reflection trapped within the refracted essence upon the stage ….. ran off into the unknown and ended up after 3 1/2 days of greyhound bus adventure, to the jungles of San Francisco, eventually landing at the skeevy Travelers Inn on 5th street. These were some of the wildlife also passing thru, and I ended up doing my very first ‘poetry reading’ escorted by Aussie Jeff, at the Brainwash Cafe; Beginning of July 2000 just a few weeks after arriving to SF and plunging headlong into another adventure…..
🌟One of the poems I read on stage was this:
Ah, my stage! Everything always falls into play! Action to action- day to day I’m making my living in the same old way- Ha! Taking my giving and tossing it away! I can see them watching me; I can feel them contemplating me and what I bring; They know I know they are just actors on my stage- players in my game. Things happening so fast I can barely pass my own tests, let alone manipulate the world for the rest! From their eyes I see the glow- the burning, itching desire to know- and in me they see that flame- unperturbed by that sick sad game; And, oh my stage! How petty yet brave! How genuine to feel the time as it shrivels up my human mind like a prune awaiting the prime. Is it here on this wooden plank, dark and dank with musty space, that all my dreams are made and forbade? -All that commotion I’ve shut out… Ive crept up into the attic where I rest. Ah, to pass the test! To crave the crest of the unbroken tide! Always willing to go along for the ride. And yet again- My stage! My stage! Everything always falls into place- action to action, day to day I’m living my making in the same old way.
At this moment, I am in the middle of my EXACT Uranus opposition……not only that but I have an almost exact natal Uranus/Sun Conjunction in first house Scorpio….so the Sun is being activated at the same time. They are all squaring my natal nodal axis in Leo/Aquarius (a wide orb of 11 degree)….among other transits. I almost always have strong vivid dreamtime and experiences, but over the years I have tracked that there are certain transits that bring very particular energies. And so out of curiosity I started to browse old journals, and noticed the amount of snake/serpent dreams I was having…and realized it was during the time of my Uranus SQUARE natal Uranus/Sun. AT the nadir of my chart. For the past 8 months I have been undergoing rapid transformations once again, reminding me of the period between 2001-2003 when I felt like I was also plugged into a quantum computer…..Kundalini going crazy…..having to ground the energy, feeling my life was at stake. So only using those couple years between 2002 and 2005 as my search vector, I went thru my archives and looked for all the dreams that referenced snakes, and then copy- pasted them here in order. For my own research, and for things I will use in the future as part of a larger project. (I am only up to Jan.21, 2006 date in Dream archive process, of typing all my dream journals into the computer!!!!!! I have 18 years left to transfer….haha….though there were a few large gaps of time wehre I was not keeping dream records, there are many more thick journals filled with adventures to go through. And the later journals get more and more detailed. Such gratitude for having undertaken this discipline so long ago….records of my subconscious alchemical processes for my entire adult life.
April 17, 2002
(Serpent Transformation)
Dreamed of Snakes. AT some point I turn into a snake. It is not a frightening dream but feels spiritual.
October 3, 2002
‘Coiled Snake Explodes’
I can only piece a few fragments together now. At a house with a lot of people, I apparently put out a joint roach in a Large Coiled Snakes mouth; Then I leave the room. As I am walking out, I Know that something is going to happen. I hear an Explosion and go back into the kitchen where the snake had been on the table. There is blood and guts all over everything. I am trying to clean up the mess.
Scene Shifts.
I am in the bathroom in my house and some guys are outside. One keeps opening the door while I am trying to use the bathroom. Finally I go outside and Gracie Ju Jitsu him to the ground!
November 19, 2002
(Focaccia Bread)
I am with mom, granny and Julia for the most part, and together we go many places. Granny is driving. At one point we are in some shop ordering stuff. We have a good exchange with the guys behind the counter. I am saying how the one guy looks like someone I know. They all seem to like us. There is someone else with us too, Julias friend? They seem to know them. I am acting very outrageous…silly and uncaring of what I say or do. The we are in this place again getting food. I ask to see menu and am reading the ‘dream text’. But I am thinking the place was like ‘Zoo’ down the street, with crepes. I ask for a bunch of berries in a sundae or something, but they say they have no water, so they cannot wash the berries! So I ask for spinach and extra feta in a pita or crepe. They say they don’t have it….say thay have focaccia bread. The whole time, I can see them cooking stuff. It is dark outside I go out thinking they are making my food. I get in the car and Julia is like ‘here, drink it quick!’ and has a small portion of milkshake. She acts as if it has alcohol in it, and she doesn’t want mom or granny to know. So we are waiting in the car for my food. Then we see the whole group of people who work there come outside as if they are partying. So we leave after I ask about my food and they have not made it. We are then driving up main street and I say something to the effect that there is nothing exciting or good to look forward to anymore, the way the world is. My mom says that being with Family is worth it. I then agree. We pull into Family Convenience store on the ‘hill’ to get something. I see Mandy Doruth in gas attendant uniform. We go in and it is now a snake place….with cages of snakes everywhere. I walk to the back and am looking at a white and black one. Then there is a loose one, big…and it spooks me and I run to the front, after jumping over another loose snake in the store. I tell the man I am nervous unless I know where the snakes are in relation to me. Seems we leave then. All the time in the dream there are many people around, familiar and unfamiliar. I was very boisterous and loud in dream.
I am in my bedroom and there are other people with me. A snake appears from somewhere/or someone has it with them. It is striking at the leg of the girl but I put my arm down to block the bite, so I get bit on the hand instead. The snake is clinging to my hand and it is starting to swell. It is a rattlesnake and I just know something serious has happened. Then, as if the dream fades for 9 months, I realize I am having a baby. I actually give birth! My mother is there and my sister. I want them to help me with the child. I am nervous about it. But as soon as it comes out and opens its eyes it begins speaking. Not perfectly, but good enough; and it seems it knows another language also. I am thrilled about this because I have been telling mom (in waking life) that babies were going to be born fully conscious, etc. She is amazed. So I have the baby and I am taking care of it. I flip out occasionally, worried I am not taking good care of it. The baby is absolutely beautiful! She has my eyes, they are huge and blue and she seems so spiritual. (I remember at some point looking at my breasts and feeling afraid that I wont be able to produce milk to feed the baby).
December 18, 2002 *In Ireland for Visit*
(River of Life)
I am at a river most of the time. There are lots of other people around, all having fun. Reminds me of a picnic. I am in and out of the water. At one point, I am out in the river and an older woman comes out but has trouble swimming…so I get her on some flotation thing and swim her in….halfway there Julia and another girl are swimming out and have brought some long float boards so I transfer the woman onto one of them and float her back to the bank. I am swimming then underwater and It is dark and I swim into a bunch of animals or something, they are furry and I can feel them on my face….they are kissing me! I am telling people about it when I swim back. Also, on a small dock there is something to do with a fat man. Im not sure what he is doing, maybe fishing, but when he turns his back I push him into the water! I am climbing the steep wooded embankment and at the top is a road. I am walking, when Sarah Holsinger and someone, maybe Annie Judy…come up with a volleyball. She hits it to me and I bump it back and we start to pepper with the ball. The ball almost goes down the bank but I manage to grab it. At some point Beefy is on the road with me and someone else, perhaps Julia, and we see a black snake and a copperhead crawling into the bushes. Good energy in the dream.
December 23, 2002 *Ireland for a visit*
(python snake)
Long vivid night of dreams but lost upon waking. All I can recall is that I had a huge python snake, and I can vividly recall the feeling of his scales when I would hold him.
February 9, 2003
(Rickson Commits Suicide)
Rickson, my snake, is in the pocket of my sweatshirt and is squirming around pretty aggressively. I notice him in there and pull him out but he begins to bight me and jump around. He doesn’t seem well, and is breathing hard. I decide he needs water. I put him up to a water bowl and he lifts his head up and is drinking when he stars swallowing his own tail, like the ouruborus! I don’t know how his tail gets in the water but it is. I feel he is trying to kill himself, in a way…..I pull the tail back out of his mouth.
NOTE: Feb. 10th, 2003 Rickson disappeared. I looked everywhere.
Further Note: Never saw the snake again, and went to stay with Liberty In June for her birth. While there, Beefy said Rickson came out of a hole in the bathroom, and was HUGE!!!!! HE had been living in the walls etc I guess, eating stuff. He ended up disappearing again though. Never to be seen again.
March 15, 2003
(Green Mamba)
I am messing with a big green mamba snake. It almost bites me but I catch its head with my fingers…it is moving around chaotically, when finally it slips through and bites my finger. I then start trying to smash its head between my fingers.
*note from the morning(‘the beginning of the great work?)
March 16, 2003
(PJ, Snakes & Rickson)
I keep finding my snake Rickson, and he keeps following me! Something about a huge Black and white snake too…PJ has been sitting in some twigs near a tree and I tell him to move ….that there is a huge snake.
April 14, 2002
(snake swallows fist)
*First part of dream had something to do with me being led in Light Movement or something….filling in some structure????
*I cant recall where we were heading or what we were on our way to do. I keep trying to get Beefy to have sex with me though, when we are at different places. At one point there is a huge snake in the Water near me. It seems I know it, or something(the snake)? It swims over to me and I speak to it! It speaks back. It tells me it/I am warm? Then it puts its entire mouth around my fist, just for a second, then lets go…..it is friendly and gentle and I laugh and joke with it then it leaves. At some point a girl who is with us leaves to go camping with two other lesbian women…one of which reminds me of Susan(Lori&Melissas old friend). The guy who is driving us around is sort of goofy….and he apparently has a crush on me….and thought beefy and I were just messing around/didn’t know we were together. He drove me to the bus stop in Luray and dropped me off, after asking me about Beefy and I tell him we have been together for 3 years and in love. He is sad about that, but seems to hang around still. I am with someone on the dirt road near the bus stop. Then Jeremiah is talking to someone and says he called so-and-so because he likes to hear what they are up to….he says that is why he used to like to call me…???? Then me and Beefy are sitting and eating and Ms.Petefish is there, I am excited…talking about how I am going to win all-state in volleyball….I introduce Ms.Petefish to Beefy as my 9th grade vball coach, ‘the best!’. She speaks with us and asks If I remember her name…..I do…of course.
Beefy and I seemed to get along well through-out dream, flirty and sexual.
April 23, 2003
(Snakes and Crocodiles on my body/Swallowed fist)
*last recorded dream from april 14 also had snake swallowing fist **
I am in a hotel room or some kind of dorm. There are about 5 snakes/crocodiles in there…..seems they keep morphing between the two forms at different times. They are somewhat excited….and very quick, moving around. I am trying to catch them or something. One gets out below the door and I see the tail (crocodile) so I open the door quick and grab it. There are people in the hall, and they see me, and say something. I realize I am naked. I come back in the room and then realize the snakes are in my clothes, and crawling on my body. They take nibbles and touch me with their tongues….which produces a very intense tickling sensation, but pleasurable. I am dressed again apparently, and there is a very large Boa type snake in my shirt, and it swallows my fist….then lets go…..as if it is communicating with me or something. I am learning to control the snakes…..they are more calm now….I am playing with the larger one.
May 2, 2003
(Bit by Rattlesnake)
Dad and I are in his house, in the living room, messing with a beautiful rattlesnake. I am wary of this snake because of its seeming Power. I try to hold it or something….or maybe trying to remove it from house….and it tries to bite me. I am fumbling with it in my hands for awhile, as it tries to get away. I end up being very rough in handling it….and turns out I am bitten twice…just scrapes…on the pinkie and on other hand too. I feel dizziness taking me, and I tell someone I need help because of the bite.
May 11, 2003
(Rattlesnake bite in Heart)
I am in a room with other people and there is a Rattlesnake. It seems aggravated. There is a baby on the side of the couch and I dive for it so It will not get bit….and at that moment the snake strikes someone in the heart! I am not sure who. Dad is trying to handle it and get it away without getting bit, but it seems it did manage to get him….he says he thinks he got bit.
May 22, 2003
(OBE, Litter of Puppies,Teaching Beefy to travel, Snake)
I find myself in my astral body, parting from my physical in the bedroom. I am excited and anxious when I realize what is happening. Something happens that makes me come back to my body……and I awaken inside a dream. There is a litter of puppies- all sizes…miniature…in a little cloth bag on the bed. Beefy had found them first ….as I am trying to explain to him the experience of me being in my astral body….and then waking to find the puppies. We are trying to gather them up. We don’t know what to do with them…..since we are not allowed to have pets in the apt, and are worried about them. Rebecca asks if her and speedy can keep them. There are a bunch of people around then. I run into a man at one point who has a child, and I ask him if he would like a puppy and he says Yes!. I am then being annoying to others around me it seems. I am sitting outside with some people and Becca Quadri shows up. I run over and give her a hug and speak a bit. Then there is something going on with the McGoverns….Beefy is going somewhere with Margot….everything is confusing. There are huge 18 wheeler trucks too……me and someone else is in a box on the hood of one….??? Most of dream is exhilarating and I have good control of my emotional state.
Then I am singing in the back of a truck with others….on our way to somewhere unclear now. I am then trying to show Beefy how to Mentally Travel. We are standing and we hug each other. I have a small Joint. I tell him to concentrate and picture himself going up in the air. He does, and we float. I then tell him to picture the place he would like to land. When we actually land, he has morphed into Rick Sloan, and Ive lost the joint. I am asking and looking for it, but Rick says not to worry about it. He has weed. Seems we are at Elliottes house in Page Valley by now. I climb or float up to a bird nest in a pine tree and there is a baby snake in it…so I grab the snake. When Im back on the ground, the snake has become Huge, and wrapped around my left arm/wrist…..black snake….It bites my thumb but I just stroke its head and transfer love to it and it lets go. Then Rebecca or someone takes him from me, but isn’t being gentle and I think she gets bit. Seems we have some big purpose in the dream. Very sequential.
June 6, 2003
(Pot& Cops, Jaguar Chase, Coiled Snake)
I am in some store and trying to pick out an outfit…it is an adorable black and white skirt with pleats and a shirt etc. The lady only has size Small and I need a larger size. So I eventually leave the store. I am in a car with some people….with a bag Full of pot, and a smaller bag too. We get stopped by the cops. Somehow I sneak both bags into bookbag and give to Tish to take as she is getting out of the car to go home. The cops look but find nothing. They leave. I grab the pot and pocket it?? We see two girls, who help us with something. I give them a huge bud of pot.
Scene shifts. I am near some road/forest and walking along….I see a big cat, like a huge bobcat or a Jaguar. I begin to run and it is chasing me…I am running so fast!!!! It is closing in on me. I am not terrified but I know that I do not want it to catch me. I try to divert it and go up a tree but it doesn’t work. I do not know how I finally escape.
I am then walking in the forest with some people and see two young children crouched down in a path leading up the mountain. There is a rattlesnake curled up with mouth open ready to strike. The kids know better than to move…..and I start walking up to see them, but they yell to stop me. That’s when I see the snake in the path. I distract the rattlesnake until it sorta chases me down the hill and away from the kids. I throw a stick on it and then put my boot on it. It seems to be a small baby rattlesnake. I reach down and pick it up by the head. I remove the snake from everyones presence and we continue on our way. The kids are grateful.
I felt confident.
June 18, 2003
(Notes/fragments)
*Mom cutting fingers off herself in someones beautiful kitchen
*Issabella bit by snake, the neighbor says…..but she was really bit by Jacob, and had to get lower lip removed.
*Tattoo ladys office
*Drive somewhere….see ship sailing in the sky….across the moon (like ET)….I try to take black&white photo but someone who is driving (mom?) keeps backing up and pulling forward and I cant get pic
*Cop passes us
*Can see girl climbing in the window of a huge house
July 2, 2003
(Lester talks about Dad and Pig/Snake)
I am on a bus with others, and Lester Addison is complaining that Dad is more willing to mess around with and possibly get bit by a rattlesnake than play with his pig? Apparently Lester gets a whole big issue started over this.
Then I am in a store with Mom, and bus is waiting outside for us. I am acting very outrageous and silly because I realize I am dreaming.
July 12, 2003
(Garter snake swallowed by cobra/kidnap)
Many people and much activity. I fly a lot in the dream, doing tricks in the air etc. I find a baby garter snake and catch him. He stays with me and is licking me like a cat. It leaves some kind of residue on my hand. Then he is crawling and I follow him and he gets swallowed by a large white cobra snake!
Scene shifts.
There is a man kidnapping an old rich woman in her car……he has a gun to her head…and he asks another man and woman from another car for a ride….?? They realize something is wrong though, and try to drive off. I am perceiving from another perspective though……birds eye….3 cars all wired together??
Scene shifts.
I am in Luray high school and going to the bathroom….it is a single room bathroom with 3 or 4 toilets and a mirror. A girl comes in talking about someone….last name ‘Darnell’…and I say that I know her….a Reporter……she verifies and says the girl came up to her and knew everything about her, even which kind of moisturizer she wears. Then we leave the bathroom and there is an empty shopping cart I am pushing. I joke about being an old bag lady, then I go downstairs on the back of the shopping cart….everyone laughing. I seem to be popular and well esteemed.
July 16, 2003
(Rickson Needs Food)
Dreamed about Rickson, my snake. He seems to change sizes throughout dream. He seems to be weak also. I remember thinking it must have been a really long time since I had fed him….then I am looking for something to feed him. We are listening to some guy speak somewhere outside…..there are a lot of people around. I am digging up potato bugs and grubs and stuff, throwing them in his cage, but he will not eat them. I stick my face close to him and he kisses me! He is talking to me also, but what he says is unclear. He also bites my finger at one point, but not out of maliciousness….and he lets go quickly. I feel anxious to feed him, and a bit sad.
Dreamed about my snake Rickson. I am near Jeremiahs old camper at dads house. I see him partly beneath the ground and I move the dirt and pick him up. Seems he has some sort of blisters or bubbles on his head. Then later I get him again from the ground and he is really fat in some spots as if he has just eaten. Again he doesn’t seem to be completely healthy.
Something about the show Jeopardy. A woman contestant on the show….has brought about 6 of her best girlfriends. They are all very beautiful. Then as if I am watching movie, they are rollerblading down these huge steps like a coliseum or something. I think how dangerous it is and how good they are at it. One is rail sliding all the way down. At the bottom they are asking if everyone is there. It is a sandy beach now. Then it seems we are on a very small island. Liberty is there. She is pregnant. Also something building. Dad is there building some sort of little house with stones or something. I can see the island birds eye view at one point and think how small it is. I am then with Liberty and we are trying to find some place for her to give birth…but first I find a toilet so I can use the bathroom. It is in a room that Tom Petty had stayed in on vacation. Liberty ends up laying down on a table a has someone pull out an egg from her…..it is about the size of two fists. She is relieved. It is on an umbilical cord. She breaks the shell and wipes off the yellow and white stuff inside and a tiny baby is inside. She is saying he felt better now, and it would be easy now. The baby is curled up with umbilical still attached. She lays him on her lap and rests. It is beautiful.
September 30, 2003
(Beach and Pool and Stallions)
I am with Beefy at a beach surrounded by a forest. We meet a man and woman who seem really cool. I find at one point that I am away from them and trying to find Beefy, but I have a backpack and I find it really hard to walk…..especially up a large hill that I am struggling with. I eventually find them again. Brandi Majeski is there with them now. Her and Beefy are talking to the couple we met about Hash, and how much money could be made by sending some to Jeremiah to sell. They are talking weights and money etc. I am annoyed for some reason. I feel like I am mad at Beefy and giving him a bit of the silent treatment. At one point I see a man working in the weeds, and I go down and there is a Coral Snake or similar, half buried in the grass. I just look at it and note its beauty and the red marks/pattern on it.
Scene shifts.
We are now at mom and dads house and there is a swimming pool in the spot where Jeremiahs camper used to be. There are a lot of people around now, wanting to swim. We are swimming and I get aggravated for some reason and leave. I then go into moms house after smoking a joint. I hear mom say that Julia is a bitch when she doesn’t get her way, or something like that. I want to go talk to Julia so I go outside. I have a joint roach in my hand and throw it down. I am then over in the weeds doing something, and I lose my black shirt??….in the brush….but I am weary of digging around because there may be snakes. So I am hanging on a tree reaching down when a man playing an instrument of some kind, brings the shirt to me from the brush below! I say Thank You and then go to look for Julia. She is at the pool. We are swimming, joking around about throwing each other in. I am going to do some flip or something , but jump off diving board and just land feet first. Then Julia jumps and lands outside of the pool on her side, she jumped right over the pool. She says ‘that’s sorta dangerous, huh?’
Then there are tons of people around again. There is a fat girl there too. And the couple we had met at the beach, who are laying on the diving board in the way. Which upset me for some reason. I am then chasing someone, I believe it is cindy doruth, through the forest, for doing something.
Somebody drops an orange in the pool and I jump up and dive straight in and grab it with my foot, and swim back up laughing…and give it away. I am moving people away from the diving board, telling them that they must respect the rules since we are responsible if anything happens. The people are somewhat mad at me.
Something happens and I am trying to get a huge white stallion untied….he is outside our house. I get him loose somehow but I am afraid of him. So I climb fence where piggles pen is, but there is a huge dark stallion in the cage. I climb high up near a tree but he is standing on the fence and is huge….right next to me. There must be some kind of mission or something, because the Dark Stallion says he will ride with the White Stallion….and off they go.
January 1, 2004
(Copperhead and Rickson)
Julia has a pet copperhead snake. It seems tame, but I hold it and it bites a few times. We know it is a symbol of Power and Transformation. The bites do not hurt, and I ‘know’ that I can ‘handle it’. It is an amazing creature. We decide it must not be poisonous anymore…? Julia has a glass aquarium for the snake, and I see that Rickson is laying in it. I am excited because I missed Rickson the snake!
April 10, 2004
Partying at Mansion with friends and family/Man with Snake/Some Lucidity
I am in some kind of city, partying or something. I am in a house that is either Beefys, or a relative of his…we are staying there. Our room is near the attic…..up the stairs and around and around. It is a huge mansion of a house. There is a man, an uncle to Beefy?, but he never comes down to talk to us. I am waiting for Beefy to get dressed so we can go out. Marya Williams and Chrissy George show up. Everyone is drinking and smoking and having a laugh. I go outside somewhere to meet Julia and Jeremiah and PJ and others. They have also come to visit and want to go out. PJ has his head shaved, as does Julia….and Me!!! We all look much the same…..haunting beauty….but PJ has some kind of glass patch over his eye…with a painted eye piece on one part. If you look through the glass you can see that behind it is a torn up eye. I ask him about it, and he says you can see through to his skull if he doesnt wear the patch. He is tall and very handsome. I ask Chrissy and Mayra if they think we look alike…they say ‘exactly’. I feel I have to keep an eye on Julia. I keep warning her to stay with us, and to be careful with who she associates with. We are somewhere walking, but some of us have roller skates on while out on the town! I am a bit Lucid throughout the dream. We are going up the road, next to a house, and those of us in the back can see all the way up front that there is a truck pulled over. WE can see the man has a gun and Seamy is handing the man his wallet into the truck….he is being robbed!So I scurry around the other side of the truck…as if I dont know anything is going on. I see the license plate. At first I think I will try and punch the man but then decide he may shoot someone, so I get his license number….there are only three characters…W(3)R or something…The guy pulls away. There are lots of people around who had seen what happened. I repeat the tag number and ask if anyone has any change so I can phone the cops or something. Someone comes out and hands me a big bill, but I need change…and remember I have change in my purse. So I am fiddling with change etc There is a payphone next to me. I drop 5p and then try to look for it. Not sure if I ever managed to phone.
Scene shifts
We are back at the house we are staying at, or somewhere else. We are asking the barman there for drinks etc. Everyone is getting along great…having fun. Mayra and Chrissy are looking for gay clubs or something. Julia is wanting to party more too. There is something weird about Jeremiah. At one point he is sitting in a chair, giving me something out of his pocket, and it almost seems he is someone else. He is very quiet. Brandy is there too and at one point I have to make her quiet down because she is being so loud and obnoxious. Then I am out messing around the house by myself…Lucid at this point. There is a burrowed hole sorta on the right side of the house at the back…I am curious as to what it is used for….I have a sense of knowing that it has something to do with pedophilia. I nearly slip over the edge and down the hill but manage to climb over and get around to the other side. At this point the man in the truck has come back and he has a Snakelike thing…and the thing somehow had gotten Gollum down in the swamp behind the house. I go back to the house to get someone, perhaps Mayra, and show her how to Lucidly get down the cliff…by creating energy rope or something. We are down there …I see loads of animals down in the water and woods. I see the snake thing on the other side and I make my way over to it. Gollum cannot get away. I grab the snake thing and it seems to have rubber teeth?! Im wrestling with it…….then I become aroused and am thinking of it in sexual terms…the teeth become sharp and hard and trying to bite me but I get it in my hands. I get Gollum…..and tame the snake. By this time I am getting even more Lucid.
I am in a huge field…I am in charge of cultivating it and plowing it etc. Beefy is with me. At some point I am walking through the field….(is seems to be dark outside)…and I trip. While in the field I realize that it is very overgrown and there are brambles etc. I have neglected it I guess. I am sitting in tangles of weeds etc, which are flattened from use of the field. I think I see a snake moving under the grass. So I lay down very quietly and try to not move, so the snake will just pass me by. I am laying there and it is crawling alongside me. I can see a shadow of its head sorta sniffing around my face….but it just leaves. I get up and go on my way.
2nd dream: (Football on the hill/yoga and digestion/prizes/waiting to go home)
I am with my mom and dad and others, we seem to be sorting through foods and things….I use the ice cream scooper to scoop out some ice cream to take with me and back to beefy. I notice there are several types of scoopers in among moms spoons. They have funny tips that seem to be for draining water. I put ice cream in a tub for Beefy for later. Then I am playing with an american football….but we are throwing it around on the side of a very steep incline/hill….with forest at the bottom. Someone is making jokes about me. I throw the ball once and it doesnt spin right so it doesnt go very far. I say to someone I am definitely NOT going all the way down the hill to retrieve the ball. Then there is something involving a tanning salon….it is next to us…..there is a whole crowd of us sitting and waiting for prizes or something. While we are waiting, someone asks me if yoga does anything for people food-wise?? I go into a dissertation on how Yoga speeds up the metabolism and actually strengthens the digestive system. While I am telling the person this (a male), I say that Yoga is more of an internal beauty aide as opposed to salons and all….which are meant for external beauty. Something is said about Tan, and tanning studio, but unclear what. Then Martina Hoye is there, she is pouring tea for our table/group of people. I am sitting with Beefy. We are being handed out prizes for something. I am asking which ones I should get….and give to dad…which ones will he like? There is a mini-billiards table that folds out…and also a triangular billiard type game….a model of a ship/yacht….and an Old Clock….as well as other stuff. I want the Ship, for my dad. Then Beefy and I are talking about passports…I am looking at mine and realize I had been given two….each a bit different, but both are valid. One of them is brand new, and I show it to Beefy, and we decide to keep it and share it. It is very exciting news. I cant wait to ‘get home’ because I had saved food from moms house.
December 4, 2004
(snakes and spiders and bugs)
I am in mom and dads old bedroom in their cabin…it is the way they used to have it years ago. There are all these pet-style boxes and cages all stacked on top of each other on the old dresser that is sitting in the corner. It seems I am looking for all my creatures to put back into their glasses/cages etc…they are a in the bed and under the bed and all over the place. I keep looking for my snakes and then see one climbing under the covers , and pick it up. None of the creatures are ‘bad’, they all seem important to me, as well, and I am worried about leaving on out and it getting hurt or something. One of the worms is like a grub hybrid GlowWorm with yellow and it seems to have bright green on it as well. I know someone has grabbed him from the bed at some point, and I dont want to lose anything else. The spiders are like two siamese twins or something…attached somehow…two different halfs…they are all fuzzy like tarantulas and very big. They had been fed something that looked like cat food and had thrown it up. I am looking at it and thinking I need to clean it , but then I see they are eating the vomited food, but kinda fighting over it, strangely as they are still attached to each other. I feel very close to the creatures and playful, especially with the snakes, there are many and they are small. The room is dark and I cannot really see what colors they are.
December 30, 2004
(Fenrir the Wolf/Serpent Earrings/Old Man)
I am out in the forest, the trees and leaves are colored lovely. I can see a wolf running up this very steep hill and I hear a voice explaining to me about the speed and strength of the Wolf. I see that it notices me and comes running over. My first reaction is to assume it will harm me, so I climb a big tree with a long limb reaching out from the top. I climb up and the wolf seems to jump right up to where I am. Something happens and I end up on the ground, but the Wolf is a friend and is licking me and is a very beautiful grey wolf. I am thinking What a splendid creature it is. I keep thinking of Fenrir the Wolf.
Scene shifts.
I am in a room in a building and there are things laid out , as if it is a shop. I am walking around looking at the stuff. I see a pair of Golden Serpent Earring clips…..I pass them but then go back and grab them and put them in my pocket. The hang and together make two zigzags almost like lightening bolts. I think they are Special. I am then leaving and I hug this old white haired man who seems to have helped me, and who is my friend, very familiar. I go and sit with a circle of people then.
February 25, 2005
(Scouting for Sex Place/Snake/Arguing)
Beefy and I are walking up the street at night, trying to find a place to have sex. We find all these wee nooks etc, but I dont even consider them. They are just not up to comfort standard. In one, like a barn, we see what looks like a snake, but I think it cant be because there are supposed to be no snakes in Ireland….. But then we see that indeed it is. I am wearing my winklepickers boots. The snake appears to be a rattlesnake but it is dark so I am not sure. It crawls out and looks at us, righ tnext to my feet. I am sorta nervous but then I telepathically communicated to it that we rae not going to bother it and that we are on our way out. We leave. We keep looking for places and I feel like Beefys being an asshole to me…disrespectful. I realize while walking down the street that I only have my black underwear on and the winklepickers. I ask Beefy for the hat he is wearing and I use something else too to cover up my boobs and ass. We pass all sorts of people coming home drunk from somewhere. Beefy is talking to them and they all are looking at me. I feel like Jodi Marsh and it bothers me and I end up sorta going fof on Beefy for treating me with disrespect. AT one point I punch him in the stomach/chest and say in tears ‘I hate you’ but know that I dont and am just being melodramatic, which lasts awhile.
June 16, 2005
(Lucid /Young Boy/Sex with Footballer then Beefy/Snake)
I am being shown all kinds of images of a house, different ‘views’ of it. I become Lucid and go to a house, with a small boy, who looks like PJ did when little. We are in the house I had seen. I recognize the views and the fireplace. Seem the house is in some way related to Rita? Me and the boy are looking through a drawer and desk….for ??? We go through a jewelry box and find loads of earrings etc. We put it back. We are going through other wee boxes of stuff. A group of people come in, unsure who they are or why the are here. I decide Id like to have sex, because I am Lucid and have high energy arousal. I leave the young boy and end up at a high cliff overlooking a sea. It is stormy feeling. The people that were in the house somehow ‘bring’ me this massive Frankenstein style man…..we end up talking up on the cliff. I have been Lucid since entering the house, but I decide Id like to be more lucid or OBE, so I lay back and stretch and concentrate and focus on leaving my body. I am then plunging into darkness at a great speed and building my focus and diving straight down….gaining Lucidity. I eventually am ‘nearing the ground’ at a big city and next thing I know I am walking down the street. I see a bunch of guys playing football and I walk over and end up grabbing one and ‘flying him away’. I tell him I am dreaming and just want to have some sex. He is confused, but up for it. I pull him under a pine-like tree that is like a canopy and a wee cave, like in Lurgan Park. This is behind a big building. I go down on him and he says something about the Nerves in his body and head have never been that awake. I end up leaving him then and find Beefy, who had been eating spicy food somewhere. I hug him and tell him he is in my dream. He is nervous, and I then am standing in grass. He says ‘where did that come from’ and points to a black snake in the grass. I do something with my hand and the snake ‘comes to me’ through the air and is In my hand. Beefy is amazed and now believes me that he is in a dream with me. I bring the snake over to show my and convince him. I want to have sex with him. We do, and it is great. The energy is wonderful. I know I am dreaming and dont care who sees us., out int the middle of the park. Then I am masturbating over a railing and grab a shampoo bottle, a wee one, and use it to masturbate. Then I wake up.
Note* Same young boy I dreamt of many times, thinking it was either young pj or jacob…….i am sure was Oisin, who ended up looking very similar to them at young age.
July 20, 2005
(Dream 1: Tattoo of Head and Shoulders)
Beefy and I are in a strange apartment which is painted blue inside and shaped funny, very angular. I am drawing a picture of Beefy with Dreadlocks. Randy Arvallo from SF is there and is talking about heroin and his habit and explaining stuff to us. He shows us a new tattoo he got on his left forearm. It is part of a big muscley man. He is then explaining the tattoo he wants to get…right above it and sorta mixing in with it. I say it could be like the Head to go with the tattoo he has of the shoulders?Weird. I remember thinking I have done a good job on the picture drawing of Beefy.
Dream 2:
(At the Pond Bad Girl Smothered by Thorn Snake)
Beefy and I meet up with Fiona…but she is a hybrid of her and Becky Millman, but also a bit different than both?? We end up riding in the back of the truck to their house in the country. I am talking with her and others about all sorts of stuff. I see 3 CDs for a computer…they are all some kind of encyclopedia disks. I think she must use them for school. I go into a back room and Beefy and her father are leaning over into a cubby like space pretending to fix something….but really they are sniffing coke. The man is apparently in rehab but sneaking it behind his familys back. HE gets up and starts to leave the room and I see he has coke dust under/in his eye and I stop him and wipe it off so it is not obvious to others. I then go to Beefy and I am angry because he is sniffing coke. We have a small argument about it. I am then back in talking to Becky/Fiona girl, but it is now more Becky. She asks if we want to go swimming and we say Yes. We get ready and are going to an indoor pool but then decides to go to outdoor pool/lake because she says it is better…..snobby people go to indoor pools. She insinuates some of her friends are in that category. We are then swimming in the pond behind Christian Goebels old cabin. She is talking about some of her guy friends who like her more than ‘just friends’, but she does not return the adoration. Something strange is going on this whole time too. We end up in the back of the truck again with her father/family and down by the river bank. We see an old lady sitting and looking at the river. She has crisps etc to sell…we had seen her earlier in the dream also, but somewhere else. I see the father get a bundle and throw it in the river…and I realize it is a small black baby…apparently dead. I know they are up to some shady shit. I jump out of the truck and begin to walk away, up the hill which turns into Daryl Skinners road. Someone is with me and we are talking about what we have seen. We end up back down at the pond again. There is a girl sitting in a tree. She is ‘bad’ in some way, and behind all the negative stuff. There is a big green Snake with thorns all over it, and it begins to wrap around her smothering her. WE are kinda glad. WE run to tell the others. She ends up getting loose, and there is a Lion, a Tiger, and a Bear etc, all these ‘huge wild animals’ and they are friendly with me and some of the others but seem intent on destroying the girl??? This all takes place on the bank of the pond. It is all very strange. The feeling of petting the animals is amazing.
September 23, 2005
Dream 1: (Storm coming/Cloud Serpents)
I am at mom and dads house. There is a storm brewing. I feel it is going to be abad one. Dad is asking my opinion. I tell him we should leave because if we dont, the storm will hit directly and we might not survive. We had been planning to all drive to Harrisonburg, so I suggest we go and by the time we get back maybe the storm will have passed. It is very foreboding. No one listens though and everyone stays. I point at the sky which is getting very dark and covered by black storm clouds. This geos on a bit and then I go outside and look into the sky and see three cloud-like serpents…parallel…a blue, red, and green one. They seem to be ‘racing’ each other. It seems important, and, still foreboding. I run in and tell dad and everyone goes out to see. Then I am watching birds-eye view as truckers on a big highway are ‘chasing’ the cloud serpents…….as if they can catch them!?!
Dream 2: (Smashing Pumpkins and Letting Go)
I am as if in highschool again. I feel I am a bit gaudy and geeky. I meet the Smashing Pumpkins, and am hanging out with them. I seem to be good friends with D’arcy, and I have a big crush on Billy Corgan. Darcy is trying to hook us up, but she tells me maybe if I was fitter he would go with me. I know its just for a shag anyway. I am then in my underwear running down the dirt road, as if exercising. I am about to hook up with Billy Corgan…..but then something happens and I am grabbing hold of a truck that goes by on the road. I know I need to Let Go and jump off into the grass but I feel it is going too fast and I am nervous but also realize the vehicle is going to wreck soon. The Smashing Pumpkins are yelling for me to jump. The truck ends up going over a fence and about to crash to the ground and I let go and just hope that I am able to clear the truck and accident safely. I feel kinda like a kid in the dream.
Dream 3: (Amy comes in)
Beefy and I are in bed sleeping and we hear the door open and Amy comes in. She comes up into the bedroom and asks for me to help her do something, which I do on the floor, then she leaves.
October 31, 2005
Dream 1: (Snake while Blueberry picking)
I am walking around on the road above moms house picking blueberries. I am trying to hide from someone at the same time. The blueberries are weild and taste delicious. I think to myself that it reminds me of being a kid. I am then in the woods right next to the road, sort near where the old basketball hoop used to be. I am standing there and have the thought that I should watch for snakes. As I think that, I realize there is a snake under my feet under some leaves. I grab hold of a tree and pull myself up off of it, and to the side. The snake jumps up to the road. It is a beautiful copperhead type, but there are oragne markings mixed in between its other patterns. It is stunning. I end up at moms asking if it would have been a copperhead and describing the markings.
Dream 2: (Mucous plug)
Beefy and I are visiting someones house. It is large and fancy and it seems the McGoverns may live there. We are trying to tidy up the room we are in. It has wooden floors. I am trying to fold my clothes. I come into the room at one point and Beefy has all his clothes folded in piles everywhere, and I am a bit annoyed because he leaves stuff everywhere. One of the people we are staying with comes in, maybe Seamus McGovern, and I say I am trying to clean because the room is hectic. I am then outside and arranging two sculpture-like things, Art, like long tall abstract women figures. They havng from a wire rack, and I am moving them to a corner in the hall so they look good. Everyone keeps asking me about the baby and when I am due , I tell them I have been having contractions but dont feel them. Then I am in the bathroom on the toilet peeing and I notice int my underwear my mucous plug, it is huge and shaped funny. The more I look at it , the more it looks like a fetus…tiny….and I think maybe I had twins but one never grew, or something. I know then that labor will start soon and I start to get excited.
November 9, 2005
Dream 1: ( Dancing snake goddess)
There is a nude woman, goddess-like, with a huge snake. She is erotically dancing with it and it is slithering all around her. It is three times bigger than she is. She is having an orgasm as it slithers all over her.
Dream 2: (Food Prep and Driving up steep hill)
I am with Mayra Williams in Luray. We are trying to sell food, so we are looking for a place to set up. We are near 7-11 but it is different. We each eat a ham sandwich and bowl of tomato soup. I ask people in 7-11 for two bowls and they give us them. I fill both mine and Mayras bowls with the soup. A bunch of other stuff is going on, and then I am inside 7-11 working with food, all sorts of cool little treats and snacks that look like petrified wood. Before I leave ‘work’ the girl lets me take a bunch. I leave, with my bookbag filled with stuff. I keep finding orange feathers of different shapes, that seem to come from a cat??? I keep them each time I find them, and put them in the bookbag. I am walking to my car in the parking lot, with someone, a boy….unclear who it is. Some guy asks me if Joel Miller is picking me up, and I say no, I am driving. Then a boy in a wheelchair is there too. He has been bit in the head somehow. We all go to the car. I am talking about how hot it is and that we should go swimming. The car is a dark convertible. I drive it out and it is a bit weird to drive at first. I finally pull out and turn to go up the hill near Family Convenience and the hill is so steep the car putts up it slowly. Then it is as if we are being pulled by cables, like a ski lift. It is a very cheerful mood in dream.
Dream 3: (Jumping Joyfully on mattresses)
I am in Safeway parking lot in Luray with Beefy and others. There is a big group of people, including Rita and Becky. I am in some sort of conflict with Rita and Becky, over a comment? There are loads of Mattresses laid out in the parking lot. I get everyone to lay them in a circle, and we are bouncing on them and having loads of fun, doing flips etc. I feel quite joyful.
November 10, 2005
Dream 1: (Full moon Volleyball)
I am playing volleyball on top of a hill with some people. To our right there is a massive full moon, absolutely gorgeous. I go and point and say ‘ isnt she beautiful!’, talking about the moon. I say something about it being in pisces and that the energy is intense. Something happens at the volleyball game and some of us are knocked out or something…it is related to the moon in some way.
Dream 2: (Birthing Snake)
I am in a bedroom somewhere and I can feel my belly wriggling around very actively. IT is different and I think ‘this is it, baby is coming’. Then a small snake is born and crawls from my vagina and out the bottom of my shorts to the floor! I am in awe, and find it strange at first but then I try to catch it and it crawls under the bed. When I look under the bed to see it, I has changed into a cloth snake, made of white fabric, and it seems to have a bit of patchwork and is sewn with thread and the eyes are sewn on etc. But it is moving around like normal. Then I grab it and look at it closely trying to figure out what it means. Next thing I know, it is a robot, with metal wires, and what seems to be microchips on it, all pieced together but a bit crudely. I think to myself that ‘Mother” has been experimenting again?!
(Disembodied Terror/ Magical Happenings and Self As Antidote- Consuming the Snake)
Dreamtime Feb 28, 2009
I am asleep and can hear B outside in conflict with a big mob of young people who are drinking and making noise and being destructive. I get up and look out the window, and eventually go downstairs. They have been fighting and hassling. I open the back door and say 'Thats it' really angry, and I throw and stone into their crowd in the street and it hits someone, but they see me close the door and then know who it is that has thrown it. I run upstairs, suddenly afraid of what they will do. B has gone somewhere and I am alone in the house with Oisin and I feel insecure and unsafe. I see someone climbing on the wall to get into the house. I look out the window and then someone throws something in ….they are targeting the house and me now. The next thing I know I am in the bed sleeping next to Oisin, and I feel a presence….unseen….and I am terrified. It is sucking me down the bed toward an invisible hole or something. I can feel the energy and palpable terror as I try to fight the pull. I am afraid for Oisin too. It seems to suck me to the door/wall and I know I am powerless in relation to this immense energy, whatever/whoever it is. At some point I am telling B about the dream of the kids and the terror, as if I have woken up. Then I am in a car with a man who I have met and feel in sync with …he is older and somewhat familiar. He seems to belong to some group that I have befriended. B and I are at odds and he has pretty much dissed everything I tell him matters to me. I feel so angry and I want to get away, so I go with the man. There is something about a girl, familiar either in Waking Life or in Dream, and we both somehow come to realize with are on the same 'Mission'. The man and I are supposed to eat dinner with her and her parents but something happens and we are really late. When we turn up, with Oisin, Oisin is really wired and running around and I feel self-conscious and that I am offending her parents because they seem quite ‘proper’. He walks right off a table at one point while I half-catch him before he hits the floor in such a ways that it makes it look like no big deal. The girl and I are in in her room then, but we leave to meet the man at a pub or somewhere. We sit down at a table with some people There is a blonde girl who arouses my rage and I punch her and get into a spat. We are waiting for the owners of the place to leave with us. Then I am with the girl again, in her room, and there is an assortment of objects on a table. We are trying to do something shamanistic, and I turn into a Bat and she is something else. It has to do with the objects on the table. I fly out, in a bat-like manner, conscious of the quick flapping motion of my wings. It is hard to remain in flight however. We feel compelled to figure out or do something that has spiritual/ magical undertones and involves the girls parents too. There is a scene where I am hanging from a ledge in water or some other substance and asking for help up…saying “please help me!”. There is one scene where I am with Oisin and we are walking and I see a timber rattlesnake…a small fat one …and I run over to protect him. I end up grabbing it and have it in my hands. I feel I must consume it for some reason. As I am holding it I bite down on its belly and it lets out a loud squeal, then I crush its head in my fingers and take a bite out of it. It has a magical feel to it. There is another rattlesnake that seems to jump and bite Oisin in the face but we dont pay any attention … It is as if I consumed the snake in order to use it as an Antidote to any potential harm it could bring to Oisin. I end up describing the experiences to the girls parents. They are amazed.
As I sat down to write this post, I put on some music. I felt suddenly compelled to put on ‘Travis’, a band I used to listen to profusely 20 years ago. I clicked on the song ‘Sing’, sorta randomly, but had to chuckle as it started to play and I was whisked back to another lifetime. In some ways. In other ways its the same old story, the same old ways of trying to stay sane.
Baby, you’ve been going so crazy Lately, nothing seems to be going right So low, why’d you have to get so low? You’re so You’ve been waiting in the sun too long
But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing For the love you bring won’t mean a thing Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing
Colder, crying over your shoulder Hold her, and tell her everything’s gonna be fine Surely, you’ve been going too early Hurry, ’cause no one’s gonna be stopped Now, now, now, now, now
But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing For the love you bring won’t mean a thing Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
Baby, there’s something going on today But I say nothing, nothing, nothing Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing So, now, now, now, now, now
But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing For the love you bring won’t mean a thing Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing Ah, baby, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing For the love you bring won’t mean a thing Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing
Francis Healy from ‘Travis’ the Invisible Band
Ive been going back and forth about how to frame the narrative that is starting to chip its way out of the prism cell that is my mind, so effortless it wants to flow out, and I could use any number of filters to see it and speak it and sieve it through. I have been going through old journals and writings from way back to barely teen all the way up through recent times. The running theme, almost frighteningly so, is madness and moods and the mercurial mind. And in light of that, I have come to realize that the only authentic lens to write from is the pulsating pendulum of the opposing states of Mania and Depression that have characterized my existence. Ive spent my whole life with a subtle deeply ingrained terror that the white coats would be knocking on the door at any moment. Ive spent 23 years now in deep research into psychology, neurology, spirituality, astrology, healing, pathology, trauma etc……..simply to understand my own Self and the ‘madness’ that lay at the root of all I am and do. Most people who know me identify who I am, with the Manic side of my nature. There are others, particularly me ex-husband/sons father, who would have a very different story I am sure. To be fair, I met him at 19, not long after the life-changing Trip (story at the end of this post) that I describe elsewhere, which ripped what semblance of a cohesive self I had at the time, into a million pieces. Which catalyzed my entire life since, into a journey of self-discovery, healing, and understanding the precipice I feel I have always teetered upon. He was the only stable tether for almost 10 years as I dove consciously into the underworld in obsessive preoccupation with healing and wholeness. I was a shattered and fragmented madwoman, essentially; My maddening moods and breakdowns were the undercurrent of everything, I was clinging to my highly lucid and lightening fast mercurial mind which attempted to carry me on its wings out of the oozing swamp of unconscious emotional energies and frothing underworld demons from many lifetimes; what little boundaries I started with in this life, were completely shattered at age 19 and I have spent the past two decades putting all the puzzle pieces back together, to gather all the soul shards and gain some footing in this strange place called Consensus Reality. It is not a comfortable place for me, I live more fluidly in the Imaginal Realm, and I know that my Intention in this lifetime was to go down into what I call the ‘psychic gulags’ and rescue all the imprisoned selves that have been splintered and lost for lifetime after lifetime. If I were to try and write the story that is my Life hereNow, without acknowledging the impact that my own wiring and disposition and temperament has played in the narrative, it would feel delusional. And there are so many threads, ‘too many clues in this room’ as Gordon Lightfoot sang……….that untangling them finally will free me to explore another reality. If I had not discovered and immersed myself in the deep undertaking of Astrology and Psychology, I would , no doubt, be locked up somewhere unable to exist in this world. I know a few of those alternate selves, I have been inside their lives in the DreamPlane, I have seen some of the parallel tracks my potential has played out……and I believe I am in the best of all possible worlds.
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Lyrics
Dear diary What is wrong with me? ‘Cause I’m fine between the lines Be not afraid Help is on its way A sentence suspended in air Way over there
Dear diary What else could it be? As nightshade descends like a veil Under the sail of my heart Be still, don’t stop until the end
Dear diary What is wrong with me? ‘Cause I’m fine between the lines
Francis Healy, ‘Travis’ the invisible Band
Astrologically I am a Scorpio Ascendent/sun/uranus/mercury. Sun and Uranus are in exact conjunction………in the first house. If you understand what Uranus represents and expresses, it will make sense, the Mania aspect. The Million-watt electrical connection to the All, that cannot be separated out from my basic sense of self and vitality. Mercury sits almost exactly upon my ascendant. in the 12th house on the other side of Mercury, sits Pluto and Venus in exact conjunction in LIbra. There he is, Hermes, the trickster, the psychopomp…….straddling the very line between the unconscious/conscious self………mercury the winged messenger, the only god who could safely traverse the underworld the realm of pluto/hades. Neptune and MArs sit conjunct in the second house of sagittarius, adds some more intensity. But the kicker for the up and down pull of the madness of opposing highs of euphoric ecstatic delight and the morose leaden disconnection of despair……is perhaps the Moon(Moods/instincts/primal experience of self) in Aries(fiery/impulsive/intense) in close opposition to the 2′ conjunction of Saturn(contraction/depression)and Jupiter(expansion/joviality/cheer)….Those are just a couple short snippets of some of the things I will unpack over the course of writing. Ive gone so deeply into all of it for years, but never articulated it in written form. Its a daunting task, really, when the mind is super mercurial and sees the infinite patterns and connections of everything on many layers, one single sentence can have me fighting to stay focused on the point at hand instead of branching off into a hundred other fractal directions of experience and understanding.
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Understanding myself through the astrological framework, has been instrumental in giving me some objectivity from my own temperament and even the gifts and traumas inherent in the very blueprint of Me. I had been convinced I was utterly insane and there was no hope, no way Id ever be able to integrate all of what was destroying me; in retrospect, I can see how far I have come in stabilizing myself and finally learning exactly what I need in order to have a functioning nervous system that is not destroying myself or others around me, and which can take advantage of the vast creative capacities I carry and have found expression for in the world. The terrible fear that I will die without having developed my talents in this life is the cattle prod that keeps me delving ever deeper into my Body and Soul in order to bring the two together in the arms of Spirit, to truly Bring the Fullness of my Unique Individual expression of Self into this reality.
As I laid on the floor in my blindfold bandana, 5 hours into bodywork and somatic meditation, It came to me how the see-saw had ripped me apart my whole life. But since I had started to prioritize Embodiment and working with my physical body in a variety of intense ways, I had finally found the path to stability, at least, as much as I am capable with this particular wiring and nervous system and astrological blueprint. I had tasted this years before when I obsessively did several hours of my own style of yoga/pilates/movement every single day……it was the only thing that saved me from leaving this reality completely, something to balance the Mind that drove me to madness. AT the time, for years, I still fought the twin demons of Anorexia and Bulimia, but the bodywork allowed me to get some kind of grip on my emotional dysregulation. I only rarely missed a day. I have a tendency toward OCD and my life is very ritualized in many ways, even still, so the over-control at the time of every single thing in my life was vital to regaining some footing in physical reality. AT one point, I woke every morning at about 5:30am, did two hours of yoga, showered hot/cold/hot/cold etc while doing more breathing practices, walked the two miles to West Portal (SF) to get the same Golden Dragon Oolong from Peets Coffee…….I walked the entire way reading a book…(I read up to 10 books a week, used bookstores being my favorite haunt….buying piles, reading, and returning some for the cashback exchange for more)……silently stirred my honey into cup for several minutes, in a sorta trance I would assume it looked like to others, walked back with tea and reading. That was my morning ritual for 1.5 years while living in the Sunset at that dwelling. I still have ritualistic things that I do, but I change them up now and again. AStrologically my moon is in 6th house in whole house signs, and in the evolutionary astrology framework my Pluto Point is in that same house. The 12th house where one of my my stelliums of planets resides is the house of the diffuse boundary realms/subconscious/deeply buried/dreamtime etc…….the 6th is work/service/the daily ‘chop wood carry water’ and the health and purification of the body etc. So it makes sense that the form my healing would take is through the constant and dedicated discipline of Bodywork and daily routine rituals; my natural tendency is toward the Dreaming reality and altered states of consciousness/OBE etc, Its natural, the challenge for me is to stay grounded. To BE HERE NOW.
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How many times over the years have I come out of the low tide, the chosen isolation and reclusive despair state where I have zero tolerance for anyone or anything outside my own company and grasping mind, to think ‘im free now. Im healed. I did it, Im better, Ive sorted it out, im finally totally sane. The sweet shift into mania and high energy and lightening thought and desire for human company etc, the proof that Im superhuman and flying high and from now on I shall accomplish all the infinite desires in my soul, constantly without fail and I can be depended on and life will never lose its golden glow…….’
And hovering one fractal dimension away, my Daimon laughs maniacally and watches as once again the inevitable plummet with wax wings burnt, and the cycle starts itself over again.
The only salvation, is the Body. When I am able to stay true to my bodywork every single day and my grounding rituals, I feel balanced and great and high energy, with excitement and joy and creative fire, I have patience for the daily requirements of living, I care about people and things and have great warmth and appreciation for everything. It is not the euphoria of mania, but the ecstasy of truly being embodied, and loose and feeling and experiencing life through the flowing fascial network of the bodies wisdom. Its as far away from mania as it is from depression. Saturns cold leaden fingers cannot get to me when I devote myself to being in the body, through fascia work, yoga, intense dance, playful movement. Over the past few years I have made a point that when I start to feel Mania coming on, which is usually when Ive left the realm of body and gotten lodged into the mercurial uranian lightening mind suffocating in the infinite patterns and possibilities of all that I can and should do and be and write and say and want and dream and the adventures I can create……I step back and force myself to go deeply back into my body. I trade the extreme highs for the less intense but embodied joy of the simplicity of life. I still cycle through the pendulum but the lows are more like chosen retreat and renewal and refocusing and resting of the nervous system instead of nervous breakdown and collapse and despair and terror that the white coats will be here any moment, to take me away finally.
There are those who somehow find some simple way of living that carries them through, enjoying the typical distractions of what this society dances around. There are others who come into this game with a fire that threatens to consume them, driven by creative intentions that rip them apart and taunt and mock; Moods that make everything and everyone incidental to the crushing weight of manifesting that which is within the mind and soul, clamoring to get out. There has always been a fine line, they say, between genius and madness, and a huge proportion of those who have left the most vital and inspiring and insightul works of art and literature have danced with the very same demons (or Daimons) that keep me pirouetting on a tightrope between chasms……..uranian multidimensional awareness pulsating through a fleshbody with neural synaptic rapture as the Plutonian Dark Underworld of emotional terrors rises like molasses and the Jester Mercury juggling life and death and light and dark tries vehemently to rescue all these personalities from all the lives from all the playground capers in this Infinite Time Game……and integrate them into a Whole New Me.
There is really nothing more to say when we come back to that beginning of all beginnings that is nothing at all. Only when you begin to lose the Alpha or Omega do you want to start to talk and to write, and then there is no end to it, words, words, words. At best and most they are perhaps in memoriam, evocations, conjurations, incantations, emanations, shimmering, iridescent flares in the sky of darkness, a just still feasible tact, indiscretions, perhaps forgivable….
City lights at night, from the air, receding, like these words, atoms each containing its own world and every other world. Each a fuse to set you off…
If I could turn you on, if I could drive you out of your wretched mind, if I could tell you I would let you know.
RD Laing ‘Bird of Paradise’
Back and forth Ive gone, trying to decide which framework to use to tell my story, to evoke my past selves, to conjure the spirits of my composted dead….the spells of words, words, words to wrangle language into incantation and summon sensation from the tangled threads. Best to start from the beginning, so there is proper context for the cycles and patterns. My intention is to psychologically and astrologically deep-dive through the mythic landscapes of my narrative, as well as using Dreams and other dimensional experiences…..and journals and poetry that span my life…….creating a Quantum Astropsychography.
This is really an extended Uranus opposition Ritual, a systematic series of inner journeys into the deeply buried memories that are tangled up in the fascia of my body and in deep underground psychic gulag that holds soul shards, waiting for my return and to be released from their Prizm Cells. 18 months approximately of transits that will shake up the structures of my life and ego once again, so that I can be patchworked back together in a more meaningful way, ready to start the next leg of my journey of embodiment here. I must let go of it all. Surrender the moments and mysteries and experiences that have sculpted me. And start anew, as a sovereign Self in the playground…..ready to create and to embrace all that Life asks of me in this new reality (with its ever-more-shaky foundation). Pluto into aquarius, is bringing the reflection of a way of life that will rapidly become unrecognizable. My sons descendant is 2′ aquarius and his 5 planet stellium in early aquarius opposing natal saturn has me open-eyed waiting for what magic and transformation he will undergo over the next decade. He just turned 18. I cant help but be nervous, knowing all too well the many plutonic crisis’ that define my own life journey. And wondering what sort of games the lord of the underworld has in store.
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I have watched sons Claim Their names beneath The sun, I have seen the same Done To me, I have been a child I have been a whore I have been a maniac Knocking on gods door, And in the neon The glow The bliss that sometimes We know I have melted like Wax And my heart has Dripped right Through The cracks in your Floor.
“As adults, we have forgotten most of our childhood, not only its contents but its flavor; as men of the world, we hardly know of the existence of the inner world” we barely remember our dreams, and make little sense of them when we do; as for our bodies, we retain just sufficient proprioceptive sensations to coordinate our movements and to ensure the minimal requirements for biosocial survival- to register fatigue , signals for food, sex, defecation, sleep; beyond that, little or nothing. Our capacity to think, except in the service of what we are dangerously deluded in supposing is our self-interest and in conformity with common sense, is pitifully limited: our capacity even to see, hear, touch, taste, and smell is so shrouded in veils of mystification that an intensive discipline of unlearning is necessary for anyone before one can begin to experience the world afresh, with innocence, truth and love.”
RD Laing ‘the politics of experience’
Many years ago when I was about 21 I discovered RD Laing ‘The Divided Self’ , which was one of many valuable books I read that helped me be comfortable with my psychological state and the way I navigated the world. Recently I picked up his book ‘The Politics of Experience’ and within the first chapter he brilliantly articulates what became obvious to me way back as a teenager. But on the eve of starting the deep dive into my own life via autobiographical storytelling, and the eve of my sons 18th birthday, I read some passages that really capture my reasons for making the decisions Ive made in my own childrearing and in all aspects of my life. Early on I saw the truth of the above quotation, and I vowed never to be the ‘normal man’. Ever since I can remember, my first memories are realizations that I was ‘mad’ and not like the creatures around me. As I got a little older, the fact of madness haunted me. Just beyond the curtain of everyday life, the Madwomans Whisper called to me, beckoning me to follow into realms little understood, and which excited me, yet also left me vulnerable to the alienation of the common crowd. And instead of cowering in the face of madness, I have done my best to live out my truth in defiance of the mediocrity of modern expression. Ive raised my son to be a sovereign individual willing and able to step away from the consensus, with confidence in acting in a manner far from the ‘maddening crowd’.
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“What we call “Normal” is a product of repression, denial, splitting, projection, introjection, and other forms of destructive action on experience. ..It is radically estranged from the structure of Being.
The more one sees this, the more senseless it is to continue with generalized descriptions of supposedly specifically schizoid, schizophrenic, hysterical ‘mechanisms’.
There are forms of alienation that are relatively starnge to statiscially ‘normal’ forms of alienation. The ‘normally’ alienated person, by reason of the fact that he acts more or less like everyone else, is taken to be sane. Other forms of alienation that are out of step with the prevailing stage of alienation are those that are labeled by the ‘ normal’ majority as bad or mad.
The condition of alienation, of being asleep, of being unconscious, of being out of one’s mind, is the condition of the normal man’.
Society highly values its normal man. It educates its children to lose themselves and to become absurd, and thus to be normal.
Normal men have killed perhaps 100,000,000 of their fellow normal men in the last fifty years.
Our behavior is a function of our experience. We act according to the way we see things.
If our experience is destroyed, our behavior will be destructive.
If our experience is destroyed, we have lost our own selves.”
RD Laing ‘the politics of experience’
How we experience ourselves and the world around us, including other beings, shapes how we act and how we think and how we create structures to contain our lifeforce. Our experience has been intentionally manipulated. The fog of delusion that humanity lives within is imperceptible to the average person, except through the vague feeling-sense of what is missing. In performing a ‘retrospective’ of my life, up to this point, at 43 years old, I intend to do soul retrieval to all those sparks of Life and Self that are trapped in the psychic gulag of my hologenetic Body of Experience. The act of re-entering these spaces, to free these selves, and to articulate and tell the story of my own Mythological existence, is to do my part in reMembering Wholeness. It is my Gift to the larger Body that I exist within, to tell my story and to untangle the knots of energy that bind my power to old dreams and dramas and to deliver my own Self as the birth pains of Sovereignty make any other life impossible. Theres no way out but in. Into the Body, into the Cellves, into the tIssues and into the Fascia which is the crystalline template holding the seed.
Ive been waiting for this day, and this time, to begin this process of birth……been holding out for the ritual moment. And here I am…..Exactly to the minute of the official birth time 18 years ago today, of my one and only child in this reality. My son turns 18 ……RIGHT NOW. I live my life in the borderland of the Imaginal Realm, and arrange important things in such a way that I honor the Kairos of Life. Ive been on a quickening descent over the past year, at least, preparing for the major milestone of Uranus opposition, in my case the Sun is exactly conjunct natal Uranus, so this huge transit will be powerful on many levels. Other major transits all lining up at this time to make the whole next 18 months a dance on the edge of sanity.
My son turns 18, officially an adult in this game now. Almost an entire nodal cycle since he came thru my watery womb into his own notion of Self. I became a Mother in that same moment, bearing the beauty and the burden of Other, in such an intense manner. So now, as he spiritually accepts the mantle of responsibility for his own life and sovereignty, I also Birth My Self……..into a new reality. I will always be Mother, but as of this moment, internally, the Spiritual Birth Canal opens…..and I ceremonially swim through with a vow of sovereignty and Intent to transform myself into the next stage of my evolution.
Something that has been pursuing me for years, has caught up, and holding me hostage. Something that I made a contract to complete in the space between lives, where patterns and matter play with possibility. Ive been hunted and can no longer evade this undertaking. Writing has always been my deepest love. And my deepest need…..to express…..to articulate in the magic of language, the powerful spaces my spirit dances in. At heart I am a storyteller. And I have lived a life on the edge of the chasm, never fully part of this world. At 43, as the Kundalini Serpent stirs once again, I feel my Mind and Personality turning to mush as the Cocoon forms itself around me, creating space for transfiguration. My greatest blessing has been the opportunity to face all of my life cycles consciously, always perched upon the precipice of paradox. From this moment forward, I make the deep commitment to start writing out my life stories thus far, this quantum astropsychography. So many things to say and to capture, part of the reason it has taken so long. Or perhaps its just divine timing, and this project will be what carries me thru the event of this sacred birth of Self into the world. Letting go of distractions, Surrendering to the task at hand.
The Madwomans Whisper has been taunting me for many years, pulling me toward spaces that threaten to consume me entirely, but I know that it is the voice of my Daimon, who cares not for my human frailties and failures, but drags me incessantly toward greater creativity and embodiment, regardless of the strain on my physical vessel. I have felt more and more that I am going to implode completely, if I do not start tearing the scabs from my wounds and weaving the words as a magic talisman to take me through the portal. My natal blueprint, its all there. The trickster who straddles the boundary of the mortal and immortal worlds. The Divine undertaking, to so fully strip myself bare in front of the world that there is nothing left under this skin that has not been exposed to the light. The Gulags, my psychic landscape that holds fractal selves hostage, deep within the knots of timeSpace that demand a prism break. I know now how to release them, how to deFragment, how to Come To Terms with Self. Ive carried these seeds for lifetimes. It is Time, Now, to plant them into the Soil of the Souls SalveAtIon.
We come from the land of dimpled smiles, the bridge between worlds, the tethers that tear at scar tissue and rip open wounds, so the tribe can be fed with the stories that wake their Souls. We talked often of this role, the single handed need to make everyone else’s Pain go away, be all things to all people, be the shoulder that bears the weight of all grief and fear. We made the journey over and over, from one world to the next. Your now my ally in the unseen. You’ve told me the nature of the twisted web, from your perspective at the fountainhead…. And I give my word that I shall speak it so that the demons can be free.
There is no monopoly on grief, we all carry a piece of each other, different than anyone else has, a part of a mystery, a magical thread, that no one else can see. In Life, you were pulled and unraveled by all The grasping fingers that rip at the covers, skinned by kith and kin over and over….in Death, the Same ……the same fragmentation , no one can live up to that projection, no one can carry that , not even Saturn or The sweet soul of Capricornian love of Other. I’ll meet you there, where there is no tugging. Where nothing is wanted from you, needed from you, asked of you, blamed on you, taken from you, or hidden from you…/ I’ll meet you there in the Nether, and we will tell The story as seen from inside the center of the Web. My friend, my Soul Brother, we’ve traipsed thru time together, for aeons, and I thank you for what you have blessed me with, by your sweet smile and the kindness and love you poured out. No strings attached, was our love and care, and perhaps that is the only place where real Sight can dare to stare into the eyes of Truth.
This year I’m going down into the RIpples to honor my 43rd year of Solar Cycling thru the PrismGuarded Realm…. I’ve been Hunting the Hunter who has hunted me for lifetimes. Last night as in the Ethers I was watching on observing an altercation, I turned my eyes back to the door as I stood and a sudden BaM!!!!! Felt almost like the time I was hit directly in the face by a volleyball that had been pounded by a very strong hitter , a dude at Rec bball in CT which knocked me back several feet flat on my ass;) a sense of calm as my awareness reflected on what had just happened, I was unsure but my consciousness hovered slowly lettinG go the tether, and I realized a Shot had come from those whom I had turned away from. A bullet to the face was a strange sensation anyhow.
I woke directly into this morning with the impact still throbbing. Then noticed that my entire jaw on the right side was more fully swollen with the impacted Wisdom tooth that rears up now and again. There’s nowhere for it to go. I heard ole Wotan tell me that the dance of Sun and fiery Mars sitting on top of my natal sun/Uranus exact conjunction in first house( head /face ) now opposing Uranus in Taurus ( neck/voice/throat) is inFlaming me, the Uranus opposition intensity being stoked as The Wisdom buried in the Jaws is trying to emerge. The Voice that is trapped in the throat , telling me it’s time to be born into this world. I have to Face it. Literally, had to do an hours deep intense facial fascial maneuvers including neck and shoulders, and then much of the swelling had subsided. The Pain Gone. Sleep came back to me, whispering that there is nowhere to hide, any longer…..that which is stuck hidden inside my jaws which hold my tongue and where stories are told, is Impacting the way I Face the World. The Stories must be Written and the entire fascial inTension released so their is room for Wisdom to Break on Through.
Some have told me to cut out and violently remove this Tooth, this reminder, so to make pain go away. But I chose at age 19 to never take a pain killer or allopathic medicine. And I’ve stuck to it, Felt Fully and Faced each Pain in the Embrace of Somas Palace. I follow it, it always leads me to the Selves buried deep within the Matter of my Flesh, where dreams are buried and beating at the door for attention.
My descent is in honor of this Dance, Seaming Fractals Dreamimg Me, Wearing the Masks of My Past and Glaring at the Mirror til they See me.
So my 43rd Solar return will be spent Alone in the Solace of Nature and Soul, deep in ceremony for the mysteries of Birth and Death, that which is wrapped tightly around the 18th and 19th of November for me.
Novem = nine /ninth month The Gestation Nov= ‘new’. ‘Ember’=small live fire , Hebrew’appointed by god’
What shall be born from these flames wherein the zodiacal wheel at this moment so intensely proclaims that The Time is Now For me To Open and Face The lost Scroll Within my seams
Here in the hypermedia digital era, it’s easy to become desensitized by over-stimulation. As I passively absorb more and more sound bytes, videos, and impersonal data generated by external sources, the more desensitized I become. It doesn’t stop there, though. The more desensitized I become, the greater my craving for more intensity- intensity of sensation, feeling, visions, intimacy, action. This craving has never led to more intensity, but n u m b n e s s , a state antithetical to my life as a creative and feeling person. That’s when I stop and become very still within myself. In this stillness, I withdraw my attention from the outer, and realign with my inner V e r t I c a l sources- energy rising up from the earth through the base of my spine, and the cosmic energy coming down from above through the top of my head, the crown. My previous intensity craving soon vanished. Eventually with enough time and practice, the natural sensitivity of my central nervous system restores itself, allowing me to experience the innate intensity of the Life Force itself- when life itself is enough.
(From Last words by Antero Alli ; Vertical Pool ; )
🔥🫀🔥 As a cyclical scorpionic need, I go into seclusion from most of the outer world, to restore my own sense of integrity within my nervous system. As an extremely hypersensitive raw nerve exposed to an ever growing array of assaults form the electro-smog of modern technocracy, it am constantly having to re establish my own boundaries in order to not cross completely into the Abyss of Madness which has been hunting me for as long as I remember. Here, now, in the corridor of my Uranus opposition, ( natal exact conjunction with Sun….if you know you know)…. I am taking a break from most outer sources of stimulation. I will be making a journey to a state inward to rebirth as the new Self that is forming beneath my skin. I’ve died and returned over and over in this life, letting go each time of all that is most precious to me, in order to follow what is asked of me within my own Spirit. That time has come again.
I’m so filled with gratitude for the blessings in my life; the large community of souls who embrace me and support and encourage my creative expression; my haven of stillness, my home in the wild, which was only made possible by the insane trust Others put in me and my spirit, and the generosity of help from beings who I hope one day to be able to return some semblance of beauty; my son who has grown into a kind and unique and strong young man who will turn 18 soon; for my parents who left me free to become and express myself authentically, who without knowing it, gave me the gift of the wilderness and freedom, and no emotional manipulation or restraint when I chose again and again to head out in possibly perilous paths alone at young ages; for the many gifts over the years from all my friends in different lands and times, who have contributed to my life and soul in so many wonderful ways. I’ve been helped always, along my path, by so many. I never understood why others put thei confidence in me, or extended such blessing and generosity of heart and home…. I can only hope that in some way my own spirit offered something in return in some value that is not measured in material ways. Thank you to all who have been the foundation, the pillars on which my awareness of beauty have been honed and tempered; thank you to all the Fires and furies which have alchemists my soul, all the pain, all the disasters, all the woundings , all the enmeshments and entanglements that have forced me to step up to the plate and Know Myself. Thank you to all the traumas and fragmentations, which have given me a warp and weft to weave my own story and heal and transform my DNA, ever in process of freeing more and more of my selves from the dream; thank you to the Muses, the Daimon who has tossed me to and fro forever, demanding blood, commitment to integrity, descents into darkness and ascents into the highest realms. Thank you to the sometimes overwhelming emotional extremes I was born and blessed/cursed with, tyrbOntensiry of perception and devotion to the deepest tunnels within human experience, I made it out alive, and after 43 years I’ve finally found a way to remain somewhat intact, somewhat sane, amidst those furies…… learned that my nervous system needs huge amounts of solitude, stillness, wilderness, learned to honor that, learned that for every day of activity around Others, I need three to detox others’ energy and restore homeostasis to my body and mind, learned that my space is sacred, and can only be opened to another in specific ways and times and reasons; learned that my time is sacred, and after having spent most of my life trying to live others’ lives, with no boundaries, no sense of where I begin and others end, finally in 2019 drew a line Nd made a vow, to die in battle, which means I will follow my joy even if it kills me. When I stopped putting my life on hold and instead of getting tangled up in others dramas and lives thinking I could save them, help them, I pulled my energy back in to my own Self and began to create the life that had been hunting me forever, torturing me til I finally obeyed the decree of my Daimon, and let all else go.
And now the journey continues, a new descent , a new rebirth, a new way to play with life will unfold.
BlissNinja 