Approximately four days before I died I called your house to remind you of my funeral. But you were not home. And so I crawled off into the woods to die alone, without social gathering and without open casket viewing. And the moment after I breathed my last breath as I began to drift from consciousness I heard your voice in the distance calling for me. But it was too late. For I had already perished into the depths of my own denial- the denial that you cared for me. And now I am dead and I can still hear you calling for me...
12-16-1998
( deep down in the abyssal waters of the Descent….From Volume 6 Linguistic Trickster)
In Prisms I see your face plastered around me you are here beside me in essence. And should I fall, would I be gathered in by your gentle hands? Or would I crash fatally into the cold barren ground? I focus in on you I see past the flesh and I know you are there. I dreamed of you Once. I begged for you- and you came Alive in my world.
I am very excited to be making great headway into this project that has been haunting me for a very long time. I have volumes 1 ,2 , and 3 available on Amazon and volume 4 is being formatted and edited now. I’ve spent so much time lately in ocd pursuit of completing up to the 6 volumes from January 2025 back to 1996 of my ‘dreaming back’ narrative of lifetimes writing . The next three volumes contain more writing by far than these three, as I wrote profusely during those years ( trying to stay sane 🧐)
I’ve done almost nothing else lately, so many hours into these just in the formatting and editing and rereading and all the rest. Reading thru 200 pages several times double checking for missed mistakes 😂 whole new appreciation for this process but I’m a little bit obsessed and am making good to my vow to complete the publishing of the whole series thru volume 6 by the time Jupiter leaves Gemini. The chart for this one is amazing too.
We must plant seeds at the right time for them to bear fractal fruit of beauty: I have lived my entire adult life with the astromythographical mirror of magic at my side, what an amazing gift we have at our disposal of we only learn the Languages of Life and Light🌟🔥🌟 Aquarius Electrical Impulse of Light and Awareness Opposed Leo Fiery FireLight of Warmth and Action and HeartBlood.
My north and south node are Leo/Aqaurius exact conjunct my MC/IC axis. To bridge the Heart and the Mind………as my Mercury ( communication/mental processing:language/writing/expression) sits exactly atop my Ascendent (Scorpio….the Psyche,deep insight/penetration/life death sex mysteries of existence, the deep dark of descent) and opposing Chiron( the wound, the gift we bring forth from that wound, the antenna, the area of healing the existential drama) that sits on my descendent in Taurus ( the body, the senses, Form, the roots, the inner values and substance of our being, the flesh). The modern rulers of those four signs are exactly conjunct….Sun/Uranus in Scorpio first house, and Pluto/Venus in Libra 12th house. Mercury straddled between the two. The psychopomp that travels between the UnFormed(12th underworld/unBeing) and the Formed(1st Self/Being). The Jester, the trickster in the liminal space. The Fool must come Full Circle around the circle of the zodiacal wheel..::earning its degrees by the decree that Life Must learn to Feel the Real.
Yes the fixed cross I am fixed to the cross Bearing The weight Of tearing fate From the forms I create As a testament To Destiny… Alchemy….. Burning the dross To make way For the best of Me
( sneaky picture my college roommate took while I was passed out In My bed 1998)
I Own it All…. It was bought ensouled It was brought from lead Right into gold As I smashed walls Between Me And the bed I made To make A soul.
I Own it all…. I own the Apple And the Fall I byte the Core And Process the raw Datum Flung from the Stratum that Spells Out Laws As cause and effect Erects A wall Between Me And the Dream I made To make A soul.
Freshly fingered fabrics lapse into gentle silence, those fraudulent fabrications that twist into violence and disappear have dragged tear by tear down my cheek registered fear among all but the meak The brave, they say, is the true slave to fantasy.....But I pledge myself to anonymity suffering gently these sweet thorns that are born from trying too hard from crying too loud aching and waking and forsaking the crowds sweet appraisal; The damsel is silent, in distress underdressed in her amnesty... this distant hypocrisy forgets me and I swerve to define this line of my observations this truth of my inner nation proclaiming itself to be free mired in mud transpired in blood higher than the seers who predicted the flood. Babble on....sweet priest deceive the ignorant on the streets of Babylon anoint your tampon and slide in to plug up the slut of your ideology to stop the flow of connection of energy from the heart of god to the god of Earth who whispers secrets in the form of Birth.
eyes cold as ice a storm in another time peering at the dreams frozen in rhyme Madness makes masters of men who wake up learning from the dreams that free them from the muck
crazy little girl crazy little girl paranoid hypnotized by the world swept away swept away lost inside the void
A heart as warm as fire burning- alone, alone dreaming, flying higher outside the lines she roams wake up, wake up see the inner skies awaken your fragile heart for freedom from their lies
Crazy little girl crazy little girl lost inside her world freedom without freedom within wake up, little girl let the world in.
🔥✨Every year I undertake to begin teaching myself something new, establishing a new intimacy with some beckoning beauty of experience through the somatic vessel …. The piano has been whispering to me lately to actually participate in its secrets… so will see what happens::::
As for deeper intentions for the unfolding of Life in this grand adventure, amidst all the theatrical Stages of Times Dance with Space… I ask not for a life free of obstacles or challenges or pain or suffering and I ask not for protection or ease or even for any abundance that is not already a part of my own woven Destiny….:but I ask that I may have the Courage to face what is my own further initiations in this Play, the Wisdom to discern what Is and Is Not mine to carry or to create, the Honor to to witness my sons blossoming into manhood and all the joy and suffering that befall the journey into that unknown, and the Humility to always be aware of how deep in the black moist fertile soil of the Mothers Compost I am rooted, so that the Promethian spirit can continue to unfold wings through my Self as it Plays at Being a Me in this Dream. ✨🔥🪷🙌🪷🔥✨
It’s time to go Down Inside Within Echos and grins Of times Long ago Again
It’s time to pull The threads Loose Untangle Heads From Nous That dangles Too close To this
Tapestry
Wrapping me in silken Cocoon Memories Like Maters Milk Born from blood In Tomb Torn from Moon And Madness And trapped Floods In veins That ached to bloom But instead Lay dead In ivory bed Dreaming Of Red
Monsoon
Twisting tendrils Of ancient crimes Broken chimes That signal Doom As Woken slumber Fumbles With moods
Folds number And name Into games Of Me~s & You~s
As Bodies lie bruised Shaken from truth As soul Let’s loose It’s claims Of Youth
🔥 Everyone understands the pain that accompanies death, but genuine pain doesn’t live in the spirit, nor in the air, nor in our lives, nor on these terraces of billowing smoke. The genuine pain that keeps everything awake is a tiny, infinite burn on the innocent eyes of other systems. 🔥
~Federico García Lorca
Bugün ben pirimi gördüm Pirin esigi güldür gül Egildim yüzümü sürdüm Pir'in etegi güldür gül Gülden terazi yaparlar Gülü gül ile tartarlar Gül alirlar gül satarlar Çarsi pazari güldür gül Gülden degirmeni döner Nun ile gül ügünür Akar arki döner arki Bendi pinari güldür gül Gel ha, gel ha, can Hatayi dostun nefesi güldür gül Su öten garip bülbülün Derdi figani güldür gül
Written by Fuat Talay & Mads Nordheim
Music by Fuat Talay & Mashti
Today I saw my pir The pir's threshold is a rose, a rose I bent down and put my face on it The pir's skirt is a rose, a rose They make scales from roses They weigh roses with roses They buy roses, they sell roses The bazaar is a rose, a rose The mill turns from roses The rose whirls with Nun The wheel of the stream turns The spring of the dam is a rose, a rose Come, come, come, my soul The breath of the friend who made a mistake is a rose, a rose The strange nightingale that sings The trouble of the lament is a rose, a rose
I came thru the other side of that and learned that it’s not about Transcending but about Integrating. Spirit plays here for its own reasons, and is drawn to this Earth Flesh Playground because it wants to Feel Deeply and experience visceral Life. Being a very plutonic underworld person but aiming always for the spirit when I was in my 20s, it took a lot of delusional wake up experiences to Own all that I had believed myself to have transcended. All that stuff I thought I had evolved past, I had simply dissociated from, and the force of its wrath at being ignored and suppressed made its fury known in physical symptoms and deeply imbalanced emotional reality with a dash of incredibly Underworld-like navigations thrown in. The higher I thought I was flying in those years, the more pure i thought I was, came at a price and it was collected by the Dark Feminine in 2018. And since complete dissolution and and finally Truly making friends with the parts of the Self that I had trapped in deep subterranean caves and dungeons , with compassion, and awareness that it was a matter of freeing bit by bit, those fragments from all timelines trapped in my Prizm Cell.Ves. Instead of ‘Mind over Mattering’ my body and pushing it to extremes, instead of convincing myself I was pure and lofty and fully my idealized Spirit Self-the Puer( my online and business name even used to be Puella Eterna for 13 years)- i became engaged in the true Alchemical Work. I Realized how abusive I had been to Psyche and Body all those years ( and lifetimes) of denigrating the dark hungry fiery tempest of my soul, the Feminine, thinking I could Will Myself into the magical spheres of the heavenly abodes:.:::: I have always been easily carried away on the wings of spirit, can easily disembody into OBE states etc. What I came here to do, Now, was to actually Make This Body Fully Conscious , for it is the Marriage bed of Eros and Psyche, and the Alchemy of Life uses all vibrations to create.
When I made friends with the depth of my own Pain and Anger and Lust for Aliveness, Lust for Intensity of Being, and my own Arrogance etc ( Scorpio ascendent/Mercury conjunction, sun/Uranus Scorpio conjunction( all ruled by mars) and all in the 1st house( house of mars/Aries), with an Aries moon( mars ruled) and Mars aspecting strongly every planet in my chart = I was a complete Fool to imagine that I was a soft and ethereal spiritual angelic figure floating in the higher spheres…..:. I am a child of Mars, and Mars at its best is the Blood and Passion and Vitality to Exist and Move in this Realm, Mars is the defender and protecter of all that is sacred in creation, it is Raw, Brash, Authentic, Physically Vital, Mentally Agile, Temperamental….and Serves the Feminine……
When I truly came to Know Myself and stopped building castles in the sky, but used my archetypal Mercurial nature along with Mars to go to the Underworld and reclaim the very Selves I had locked up thru this Infinite Game over Time, I came Alive and learned what real Power is.
That’s my journey. I have compassion for that person I was and thought I was, but I have made my Vow, to Die in Battle, as a Sacred Warrior, and a Warrior must be in touch with his/her Fire and Anger and lust and Blood and sacrifice it on the alter of the Feminine Creation…..
( of interest is the relation of mars and Saturn… Mars/Blood is made in the Marrow of the bones/Saturn…… Mars is the Warrior who serves The Saturn Kingdom, which is the very energy that gives Form to the life principle:= in my chart, My mars is in Sagittarius/conjunct Neptune ( the spiritual warrior) in the second house( using the physical body/ it’s values and resources) And is Square( tension) (serving) Saturn in Libra which is also conjunct to almost a degree…… in the 11th house/ community and the larger stage of service to the people: It’s all written in Light Codes we wove ourselves into.
My heavy 12th house/ underworld where Pluto/hades sits exactly to the minute almost, with Venus, is my Lifelong lesson…..spiritualizing and completely transforming the Sexual and Aesthetic principles……using the raw lust and vitality of The black Goddess Black Carbon through Dionysus protean morphing Imaginal spheres under intense pressure to create the Diamond Body.:::: the twin Sisters of Carbon666 and Daimond ….. the Treasures hidden in this Earth and this Flesh and this Game of Matter Mater Mother Matrix Maat.
The Psyches realm is a dark realm that takes in everything….light and dark and everything in between. It likes the humus of earth, the compost, the shit of life, the messy smelly sweaty fleshy human realm of bodies bumping into bodies in sensate expression , playing with selves in Carnes Nation, the carnal nest of alchemy, where Soul is the Imaginal Playscape and Spirit must come Down To Earth to Play with Form.
I spent so much time out of body for the first 26 years of my life; I’m now happily Wed in the alchemical marriage bed knowing the Great Work goes on and on and on, and my relationship with Saturn has transformed my life into one of beauty: I used to balk at Saturn and his crusty old crystallization and constriction of my ever-so Icarus-like ideals……
But….
I am the Sacred Warrior who Serves the Divine…:.I serve the King and the Kingdom and Protect and Honor the Queen and her Queendom… because as the Mercurial Martian or the Martian Mercurius……..the Foolish Warrior or the Warrior Fool, my realm is not just the heavens but I travel between the Yooer and the Lower and The middle realms and so I just be able to hold the Tension of all Their Frequencies.
An honest person is one who knows his own capacity to Lie but chooses Truth…..a Strong person knows his own capacity for Violence but chooses Restraint….a Wise person is one who knows his own capacity for ignorance and knows he is a Fool…..a Peaceful person is one who knows his own Anger and so is not blindsided when least expecting it, and thus knows what it is to be Gentle.
May the black moist Fertile Soil keep your Roots nurtured as your branches reach for the Sky ⭐️🙌⭐️
Aho.
10-18-24
My friends post that my response is in reference to.
another way of saying what I expressed, is that as a Waving Being who Becomes Particular….in this journey of Embodiment through the entire Spectrum of Light and Frequency….. is that I am in the Prizm Cell of All my Lives in All Realities, in All Times and Spaces……expressing through this Body, Now, which is made up of All of Me~s, all the Cell.ves and Organ~I~zed Cohesions holographically …. In terms of Light… Infrared all The way thru UltraViolet….we also Embody as Sound and All variations of frequency.
Infrared penetrates all the way thru Earth and hence Body, ‘the smokeless fire’…..the realm of the Djinn….. that is where we have the Dark parts of ourCellves ….not Evil…..Darkness and of a different spectrum …..Ultraviolet more akin to our Angelic SidesOfSelf..,;;
When we seek the UV and demonize the Infrared, we get trapped in the Prizm of our own fragmentation…..we disown a huge amount of the deepest aspects of Being, whilst grasping for the Angelic Aspects: They have their Realms for a reason.:::::.
When I speak of going deep into the underworld, to mine the treasures of Pluto/Hades in the darkest layers of Self trapped and submerged and cast off in this infinite journey, I speak of going into the Infrared WaveForms of Self that are as much Me as the UV or higher vibration LightWaves that are of a very different nature, but equally Me.
Fire & Light
Is a poetic way of playing with it
In my lifetime of ‘out of Body’ experiences and traversing in the high frequency Light of detachment and lucidity, the permeations are very different than when I go deeply ‘in body experience’ which is raw and primal and Fiery and red heat of Feeling….
Our Bodies give us a Playground where we bring All Of these Refractions of Self into one Expression , as a Tether, if you will, to Come To Terms With Self Literally To Bring to Term Our Self Like a Mother carrying To term Her Baby
New creation.
The more we Integrate and ReClaim all the fractured frequencies that issue From our own Spark of Existence as a Being Who Is,
The more we Free those frequencies to Nourish all Of Bodies In all Of Times.
If the very Elementals/elements that make up my fleshly abode are brought into a cohesive net of Understanding and Loving Awareness, as they go on in their journey and become part of other bodies and abodes, they themselves are able to bring healing …
Like the Dwarves who live deep in earth and who are like elementals in a sense
And Elves who are like the perfected or angelic higher selves
And the HuMan, here in the Middle Earth,
Thigh we are all of them Depending on which Angle Of the Arc We Shine our I’s From
BlissNinja 