Crossing to Avalon, Jean Shinoda BolenWilliam Styron , Darkness Visible Dante’s Inferno
🌱Viriditas🌱
My bedtime reading a reminder of the lush greening and the moisture of aliveness. Venus in the glory of bountiful natural juiciness of expression in abundant hues of green. Taurean fertility and adoration of the sensual world that saturates and quickens the blood. The Power of the Greening. That which is alive is wet, is moist, and as Time takes it’s toll, demands payment, it is in moisture, removed……Saturn is Dry. It contracts and dries things out. As moisture dries up, Life dries up. Turns to salt? Saturn is salt. Salt is wisdom. The journey from Green Venusion birth into the sensual realm of aliveness and bodily experience. Ole Saturn, through Time pulls the moisture out, condenses, constricts, makes dry and brittle and rigid. The wisdom that comes from embodiment and disembodiment in patterns and cycles of knowing and forgetting, being, and letting …be. Saturn is melancholia. The darkness that overtakes when the moisture of life has gone. The Melencholia of intense depression states, the complete loss of all the juice of living. If you know you know. Saturn is a harsh task master but always wise. If you’re worth your salt, your worth your sea as the womb space of psyches dream pulls you in.
Went to bed with these contemplations. But never slept. So eventually re/lit my candles, and grabbed a book that had been in que. William Styron ‘Darkness Visible’ about his descent into Melencholia and Madness. Saturns initiation. If you know you know. Read the whole thing before falling sleep. The journey of Saturns slow wicking off moisture from the body and mind and heart. The seemingly inexplicable dance with the leaden realm that makes the Viriditas ever so sweeter when the waters return. Saturn and Venus and their dance.
I went into a laughing fit that lasted probably ten minutes, towards the end of Styrons book. One single paragraph seemed to me so hilarious…..he spoke so articulately sardonic and it was so metaphoric of how little the ‘system’ understands the ramifications of Madness of Melancholia when Saturns slow shrivel has dried up every last bit of wetness from the soul. (See photo of the excerpt).
“Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita Mi ritrovai per una selva oscura, Ché la diritta via era smarrita” ~Dante
I awoke to the sound of the pouring rain outside, could feel the earths reception of these heavenly waters as a tonic for her thirst. Ah. The greening. And the wet juiciness of life. The green hue that surrounds my house a reminder of the love for living that Saturns dark lessons make New and make pertinent. Knowing the hot dry temperatures coming up in the next week, I felt myself relax into this rainy downpour that quenches the parched earth.
Staring at Self thru the clear glass mirror Of past traps and painted masks Fading now as trapped maps unfold… I free the soul from this tainted cask of fermenting tears from Yesteryears As deoxy twists this lead into gold.
There is a calm undercurrent of anticipation A night without armour as stars penetration Peels back the layers of initiation From times before in spaces torn From the watery depths of the mother matrix Cellular memories of transfiguration Lifetimes of fire and water and sensation Beckon the reckoning of powerful patience As sacred thunder and shards of wonder Ride the lightening bolt to Pollination Seeding Dreams in the Jesters Playground Pleading with the demons who keep me bound Feeding the fetus of futures merry-go-round Diamond body womb from carbons dark tomb As eclipse slips thru truth to birth sacred sound. And here I Am Found.
I catch myself in a sideways glance…. Heard the hoarse whisper of the apocalypse The naked mystery of the lord of the dance Snake charmed ministry in swiveled hips… Was beyond Time in Sine-Wave Brine Baffled by Breath and Trapped in Mind By Maters milky metered rhyme His Pattern scattered in points and line… Sin descended in tender twists He hid the fire in fountains of mist Shed the blood as the milky kiss His beloved entangled in silky bliss Scales in harmony ascend the ladder To shatter the mirror of mind in matter find the secret of carbons atoms The Judas kiss from master Saturn Snake dance sways hypnotic trance Within breaking clay and bone But hybrid eyes hide the glance Born from maze of silicone Again and again the cord unwinds Is torn from tethered trinity born from wombs of eyes and minds Without the measure of infinity A sword that splinters sacred words Skin deep scars that sing The broken spokes and spoken chords Poison every human being… Enters every pore and wound Into every fractal womb Everything is born to bloom…. …………..Time and Space the sacred Loom. 3-10-2024 (First word in each line makes a fractal of my rhyme)
As I sat down to write this post, I put on some music. I felt suddenly compelled to put on ‘Travis’, a band I used to listen to profusely 20 years ago. I clicked on the song ‘Sing’, sorta randomly, but had to chuckle as it started to play and I was whisked back to another lifetime. In some ways. In other ways its the same old story, the same old ways of trying to stay sane.
Baby, you’ve been going so crazy Lately, nothing seems to be going right So low, why’d you have to get so low? You’re so You’ve been waiting in the sun too long
But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing For the love you bring won’t mean a thing Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing
Colder, crying over your shoulder Hold her, and tell her everything’s gonna be fine Surely, you’ve been going too early Hurry, ’cause no one’s gonna be stopped Now, now, now, now, now
But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing For the love you bring won’t mean a thing Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
Baby, there’s something going on today But I say nothing, nothing, nothing Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing So, now, now, now, now, now
But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing For the love you bring won’t mean a thing Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing Ah, baby, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing For the love you bring won’t mean a thing Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing
Francis Healy from ‘Travis’ the Invisible Band
Ive been going back and forth about how to frame the narrative that is starting to chip its way out of the prism cell that is my mind, so effortless it wants to flow out, and I could use any number of filters to see it and speak it and sieve it through. I have been going through old journals and writings from way back to barely teen all the way up through recent times. The running theme, almost frighteningly so, is madness and moods and the mercurial mind. And in light of that, I have come to realize that the only authentic lens to write from is the pulsating pendulum of the opposing states of Mania and Depression that have characterized my existence. Ive spent my whole life with a subtle deeply ingrained terror that the white coats would be knocking on the door at any moment. Ive spent 23 years now in deep research into psychology, neurology, spirituality, astrology, healing, pathology, trauma etc……..simply to understand my own Self and the ‘madness’ that lay at the root of all I am and do. Most people who know me identify who I am, with the Manic side of my nature. There are others, particularly me ex-husband/sons father, who would have a very different story I am sure. To be fair, I met him at 19, not long after the life-changing Trip (story at the end of this post) that I describe elsewhere, which ripped what semblance of a cohesive self I had at the time, into a million pieces. Which catalyzed my entire life since, into a journey of self-discovery, healing, and understanding the precipice I feel I have always teetered upon. He was the only stable tether for almost 10 years as I dove consciously into the underworld in obsessive preoccupation with healing and wholeness. I was a shattered and fragmented madwoman, essentially; My maddening moods and breakdowns were the undercurrent of everything, I was clinging to my highly lucid and lightening fast mercurial mind which attempted to carry me on its wings out of the oozing swamp of unconscious emotional energies and frothing underworld demons from many lifetimes; what little boundaries I started with in this life, were completely shattered at age 19 and I have spent the past two decades putting all the puzzle pieces back together, to gather all the soul shards and gain some footing in this strange place called Consensus Reality. It is not a comfortable place for me, I live more fluidly in the Imaginal Realm, and I know that my Intention in this lifetime was to go down into what I call the ‘psychic gulags’ and rescue all the imprisoned selves that have been splintered and lost for lifetime after lifetime. If I were to try and write the story that is my Life hereNow, without acknowledging the impact that my own wiring and disposition and temperament has played in the narrative, it would feel delusional. And there are so many threads, ‘too many clues in this room’ as Gordon Lightfoot sang……….that untangling them finally will free me to explore another reality. If I had not discovered and immersed myself in the deep undertaking of Astrology and Psychology, I would , no doubt, be locked up somewhere unable to exist in this world. I know a few of those alternate selves, I have been inside their lives in the DreamPlane, I have seen some of the parallel tracks my potential has played out……and I believe I am in the best of all possible worlds.
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Lyrics
Dear diary What is wrong with me? ‘Cause I’m fine between the lines Be not afraid Help is on its way A sentence suspended in air Way over there
Dear diary What else could it be? As nightshade descends like a veil Under the sail of my heart Be still, don’t stop until the end
Dear diary What is wrong with me? ‘Cause I’m fine between the lines
Francis Healy, ‘Travis’ the invisible Band
Astrologically I am a Scorpio Ascendent/sun/uranus/mercury. Sun and Uranus are in exact conjunction………in the first house. If you understand what Uranus represents and expresses, it will make sense, the Mania aspect. The Million-watt electrical connection to the All, that cannot be separated out from my basic sense of self and vitality. Mercury sits almost exactly upon my ascendant. in the 12th house on the other side of Mercury, sits Pluto and Venus in exact conjunction in LIbra. There he is, Hermes, the trickster, the psychopomp…….straddling the very line between the unconscious/conscious self………mercury the winged messenger, the only god who could safely traverse the underworld the realm of pluto/hades. Neptune and MArs sit conjunct in the second house of sagittarius, adds some more intensity. But the kicker for the up and down pull of the madness of opposing highs of euphoric ecstatic delight and the morose leaden disconnection of despair……is perhaps the Moon(Moods/instincts/primal experience of self) in Aries(fiery/impulsive/intense) in close opposition to the 2′ conjunction of Saturn(contraction/depression)and Jupiter(expansion/joviality/cheer)….Those are just a couple short snippets of some of the things I will unpack over the course of writing. Ive gone so deeply into all of it for years, but never articulated it in written form. Its a daunting task, really, when the mind is super mercurial and sees the infinite patterns and connections of everything on many layers, one single sentence can have me fighting to stay focused on the point at hand instead of branching off into a hundred other fractal directions of experience and understanding.
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Understanding myself through the astrological framework, has been instrumental in giving me some objectivity from my own temperament and even the gifts and traumas inherent in the very blueprint of Me. I had been convinced I was utterly insane and there was no hope, no way Id ever be able to integrate all of what was destroying me; in retrospect, I can see how far I have come in stabilizing myself and finally learning exactly what I need in order to have a functioning nervous system that is not destroying myself or others around me, and which can take advantage of the vast creative capacities I carry and have found expression for in the world. The terrible fear that I will die without having developed my talents in this life is the cattle prod that keeps me delving ever deeper into my Body and Soul in order to bring the two together in the arms of Spirit, to truly Bring the Fullness of my Unique Individual expression of Self into this reality.
As I laid on the floor in my blindfold bandana, 5 hours into bodywork and somatic meditation, It came to me how the see-saw had ripped me apart my whole life. But since I had started to prioritize Embodiment and working with my physical body in a variety of intense ways, I had finally found the path to stability, at least, as much as I am capable with this particular wiring and nervous system and astrological blueprint. I had tasted this years before when I obsessively did several hours of my own style of yoga/pilates/movement every single day……it was the only thing that saved me from leaving this reality completely, something to balance the Mind that drove me to madness. AT the time, for years, I still fought the twin demons of Anorexia and Bulimia, but the bodywork allowed me to get some kind of grip on my emotional dysregulation. I only rarely missed a day. I have a tendency toward OCD and my life is very ritualized in many ways, even still, so the over-control at the time of every single thing in my life was vital to regaining some footing in physical reality. AT one point, I woke every morning at about 5:30am, did two hours of yoga, showered hot/cold/hot/cold etc while doing more breathing practices, walked the two miles to West Portal (SF) to get the same Golden Dragon Oolong from Peets Coffee…….I walked the entire way reading a book…(I read up to 10 books a week, used bookstores being my favorite haunt….buying piles, reading, and returning some for the cashback exchange for more)……silently stirred my honey into cup for several minutes, in a sorta trance I would assume it looked like to others, walked back with tea and reading. That was my morning ritual for 1.5 years while living in the Sunset at that dwelling. I still have ritualistic things that I do, but I change them up now and again. AStrologically my moon is in 6th house in whole house signs, and in the evolutionary astrology framework my Pluto Point is in that same house. The 12th house where one of my my stelliums of planets resides is the house of the diffuse boundary realms/subconscious/deeply buried/dreamtime etc…….the 6th is work/service/the daily ‘chop wood carry water’ and the health and purification of the body etc. So it makes sense that the form my healing would take is through the constant and dedicated discipline of Bodywork and daily routine rituals; my natural tendency is toward the Dreaming reality and altered states of consciousness/OBE etc, Its natural, the challenge for me is to stay grounded. To BE HERE NOW.
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How many times over the years have I come out of the low tide, the chosen isolation and reclusive despair state where I have zero tolerance for anyone or anything outside my own company and grasping mind, to think ‘im free now. Im healed. I did it, Im better, Ive sorted it out, im finally totally sane. The sweet shift into mania and high energy and lightening thought and desire for human company etc, the proof that Im superhuman and flying high and from now on I shall accomplish all the infinite desires in my soul, constantly without fail and I can be depended on and life will never lose its golden glow…….’
And hovering one fractal dimension away, my Daimon laughs maniacally and watches as once again the inevitable plummet with wax wings burnt, and the cycle starts itself over again.
The only salvation, is the Body. When I am able to stay true to my bodywork every single day and my grounding rituals, I feel balanced and great and high energy, with excitement and joy and creative fire, I have patience for the daily requirements of living, I care about people and things and have great warmth and appreciation for everything. It is not the euphoria of mania, but the ecstasy of truly being embodied, and loose and feeling and experiencing life through the flowing fascial network of the bodies wisdom. Its as far away from mania as it is from depression. Saturns cold leaden fingers cannot get to me when I devote myself to being in the body, through fascia work, yoga, intense dance, playful movement. Over the past few years I have made a point that when I start to feel Mania coming on, which is usually when Ive left the realm of body and gotten lodged into the mercurial uranian lightening mind suffocating in the infinite patterns and possibilities of all that I can and should do and be and write and say and want and dream and the adventures I can create……I step back and force myself to go deeply back into my body. I trade the extreme highs for the less intense but embodied joy of the simplicity of life. I still cycle through the pendulum but the lows are more like chosen retreat and renewal and refocusing and resting of the nervous system instead of nervous breakdown and collapse and despair and terror that the white coats will be here any moment, to take me away finally.
There are those who somehow find some simple way of living that carries them through, enjoying the typical distractions of what this society dances around. There are others who come into this game with a fire that threatens to consume them, driven by creative intentions that rip them apart and taunt and mock; Moods that make everything and everyone incidental to the crushing weight of manifesting that which is within the mind and soul, clamoring to get out. There has always been a fine line, they say, between genius and madness, and a huge proportion of those who have left the most vital and inspiring and insightul works of art and literature have danced with the very same demons (or Daimons) that keep me pirouetting on a tightrope between chasms……..uranian multidimensional awareness pulsating through a fleshbody with neural synaptic rapture as the Plutonian Dark Underworld of emotional terrors rises like molasses and the Jester Mercury juggling life and death and light and dark tries vehemently to rescue all these personalities from all the lives from all the playground capers in this Infinite Time Game……and integrate them into a Whole New Me.
There is really nothing more to say when we come back to that beginning of all beginnings that is nothing at all. Only when you begin to lose the Alpha or Omega do you want to start to talk and to write, and then there is no end to it, words, words, words. At best and most they are perhaps in memoriam, evocations, conjurations, incantations, emanations, shimmering, iridescent flares in the sky of darkness, a just still feasible tact, indiscretions, perhaps forgivable….
City lights at night, from the air, receding, like these words, atoms each containing its own world and every other world. Each a fuse to set you off…
If I could turn you on, if I could drive you out of your wretched mind, if I could tell you I would let you know.
RD Laing ‘Bird of Paradise’
Back and forth Ive gone, trying to decide which framework to use to tell my story, to evoke my past selves, to conjure the spirits of my composted dead….the spells of words, words, words to wrangle language into incantation and summon sensation from the tangled threads. Best to start from the beginning, so there is proper context for the cycles and patterns. My intention is to psychologically and astrologically deep-dive through the mythic landscapes of my narrative, as well as using Dreams and other dimensional experiences…..and journals and poetry that span my life…….creating a Quantum Astropsychography.
This is really an extended Uranus opposition Ritual, a systematic series of inner journeys into the deeply buried memories that are tangled up in the fascia of my body and in deep underground psychic gulag that holds soul shards, waiting for my return and to be released from their Prizm Cells. 18 months approximately of transits that will shake up the structures of my life and ego once again, so that I can be patchworked back together in a more meaningful way, ready to start the next leg of my journey of embodiment here. I must let go of it all. Surrender the moments and mysteries and experiences that have sculpted me. And start anew, as a sovereign Self in the playground…..ready to create and to embrace all that Life asks of me in this new reality (with its ever-more-shaky foundation). Pluto into aquarius, is bringing the reflection of a way of life that will rapidly become unrecognizable. My sons descendant is 2′ aquarius and his 5 planet stellium in early aquarius opposing natal saturn has me open-eyed waiting for what magic and transformation he will undergo over the next decade. He just turned 18. I cant help but be nervous, knowing all too well the many plutonic crisis’ that define my own life journey. And wondering what sort of games the lord of the underworld has in store.
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I have watched sons Claim Their names beneath The sun, I have seen the same Done To me, I have been a child I have been a whore I have been a maniac Knocking on gods door, And in the neon The glow The bliss that sometimes We know I have melted like Wax And my heart has Dripped right Through The cracks in your Floor.
You are … Essentially….an electromagnetic Battery… A Torus Field …. An Infinte Free Energy Alchemical Lab that can Generate its own perfect Health and Joy. Everything you’ve been taught in the Mainstream Script Timeline is inverted. There are very few basic needs …. And one of those is Grounding Oneself in Earth…. The soles of ones feet are fractal Foundations and Function as one pole of your SovereignSelfMagnet. It is Essential for the connection between your body and Earth and Ground to happen, and in conjunction with Sunlight on your Skin and in your Eyes. With feet on earth and Sun on skin… You Charge your Vehicle. Pure and Energized Water is absolutely vital…. Water is Alive, and has been held captive with poisonous programming. Air and the act of breathing with awareness and Intention is akin to Magic. With Breath you cAn unlock your own inner pharmacology. You contain everything in Existence within your Body. Your Mind Steers with Intent. Your Nervous System is the most technologically advanced Integrel quantum Computing System …. Learning to use it…. You will be ReMembering that you are Beyond Powerful here in this CoCreative Dream and Dynamic Dance on the Cosmic Chessboard….
Challenging and Pushing the Body and Emotions and Will develops ones Capacity to Hold Charge. Like a battery….if there is no Juice, there is no Will not Joy nor Aliveness….there is enervation and dis-ease and desperation and dependence on temporary situations that lead to further loss of Charge.
Spending time with as much skin to Sun contact as possible , in nature, Feet to Earth, Breathe to Heart In Awareness, With Pure Water ….. Will help you Be the best version of yourSelf in this Play, so…. Let the Ninjapocalypse Unfold And Let’s Enfold a New Script from between the Seams of this Dying Dream and Rebirth the EarthSeeds in Selves of Radiant Wild Warrior Beings✨🃏✨⭐️🗝⭐️✨🃏✨
I lay here, in a world of Invisible hands, invisible hearts That lift my soul, raise My mind to things alive- I am led to paths where The energy speaks to me, Vortex of intensity, calling My soul to dance the dream. Mother Earth, plastered with These tunnels of tone- Portals to deeper dimensions Of home…she dances silently. I lay still, on a vibrating Chakra from the mothers’ Folds, learning to hold this Deep power, learning to fold Feelings to fire- receiving Electricity from loves live wire. My polar twin spins out of Earth and into existence, calling Me with sweet insistence- And I mould myself to The mothers form, finding my Rhythm as if newly born, And my dance is a dance Of truth and trance, and My lover, hypnotized, with Opened eyes, embraces me In the darkness of Minds Absence… our dance a Remembrance of lives Lived before- Of faces shed and blood Bled along the timeline Of which we were born. Together we enact the Great embrace, the Great vortex raising our Flames, creating a new Form to claim its name… As the eyes of spirit Watch on in bliss- appreciating The sanctity of this blessed kiss.
Let it come I will hold my naked face to the sun And give my breath and my death Over to Life Let the blind fury Of the Ordered New World Inoculate crowds all around me Against their Spirit Let it be known That my Spine shall remain sure And straight Rooted in the matrice of my mother Smiling still as I Let those I love Destroy the last vestige Of their sovereignty As they knot and tweak Their ~deoxy.Rib.oh.Next.Stop.Is.Asking For.Breath~ With a mouth That no longer knows how to Speak Let it come And my naked soul Will take solace in my naked earth Away from the crowds Who have sold Their last sacred cow For one more sip From the poisoned Trough Let it be known That my entire Life has been Lived In preparation for this Trial As I watch the rind Rot Around me Exposing the elements of Wild Wonder As the Plot is torn Asunder I smile with my naked mouth Making the air pure Again With my gratitude Let it come I am here Naked & Unashamed
(The poetic Bio from my old webpage....i was around 24 i believe.)
I am the eternal girl, starchild and roguesmile and weaver of dreams both brave and wild... Born in a bustling blue dream, to a couple wit h lightflakes and dreamcakes in their innerspace! Grew up in the mountains of Virginia, free and fair, tangled hair, feet bare, there somewhere... Enjoyed school because of access to books, hated the authorities and teachers and crooks who feasted on the childrens minds, wasted all their precious time on frivolous things...though there were a few who seemed to know, who seemed to see, who seemed to feel the breathing dream...and in their lives I saw some light, and inspired with life I prepared for flight, escaped the gaping hole of home to soar the skies and freely roam. University, ah, big disease of society...wasted time and wasted braincells, tasted life but also hell, flew so high but nearly fell...nearly drawn in to the spinning flash of tangled thoughts and mangled mass of human drivel of human waste of human tears in sad dark place. Then free again, light peeked thru, home again, round two. Still the prison of closed minds and zombie sheep, they're awake they say, from their bleak deep sleep...Off to an island in the sea, Jamaica breeze calling me...to put together the peices I lost wandering amongst the holocaust of deadened creativity...and there discovered my mind was scattered, ego ripped and tattered and shattered, self awake but not on the ground, seeking my soul from the lost and found...and I glued remains of flesh and brains into a coherent and capable flame to withstand the pull of the world and the fool within my spin of twisting spools...and home I crawled with energy high to bid my time till next dreams flight. Then off on bus to coast on west, to possibilities unbound...to peace of mind still not found...and there I met myself and Love, my priddy twin flame, my husband in Soul...now with partner to share the smile to swim the wave in webs of life, I felt complete and strong and sweet and ready to begin my task of breaking the worlds coffin of glass...and we twisted and tugged and loved and hugged, my priddy one and I, back to the land of his home, the emerald isle , the mystical bone of all I sought and found within...and now life begins again...And now with eyes open to life I see that home was never the strife, the mountains begetting the flame of light that lit my soul and sparked my smile, yes Virginia my dear, I am a child...of your trees and flowers and breeze and rivers that flow and winters deep snow, and yes my parents were right in their ways to leave me free to make my way with mind and heart and soul so free, they never forced a mould upon me, never drowned the I that was Me...within this coagulation of life, energy, consciousness, within this mass of 'IAMTHIS' and now that time has shriveled into a point of light I choose to peruse, I embrace the heart of the world with a smile. I am the eternal girl, the magical child...rogue smile and laughter wild...
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