….and awareness on thru-out the day, are the things that are the most alive within us at those moments, so yes, they are definitely dynamic, and multi layered, just like dreams, and I’ve found that I will exhaust a dream symbol and then a deeper level of awareness belonging to the symbol manifests, and so on, till the same thing means ten different things, depending upon the plane you are connecting with it on.
I like to think of objects as flirting with me, what I would say as happening when you noticed the smokestack and sidewalk being alive, when an object or even sensation catches your awareness, and you are attracted to it, for whatever reason, I would say it is flirting with you, with your awareness, and if you flirt back, you can go into a really deep experience, either of communion with the object or you can be put deep in touch with the corresponding impulse/object within yourself. I see those moments as potential portals to other dimensions of energy and awareness if they are utilized. It’s like lucid dreaming, twenty four hours a day, if I’m aware of objects in life the same way I’m aware of them in dream, and I navigate via my flirtations with the world around me, I remain lucid and clear and vibrant. It’s when things no longer catch my awareness, when they no longer needle their way into my attention, that I know I’ve become dull and stagnate, my energy is blocking the penetration and invitation of the object that is offering a chance of exhcange and communion with me. I know for a fact in my own experience, and from what I’ve heard and read, that objects dont appear the same on every vibrational level/plane, for example, when I am having an out of body experience, I may be in my own bedroom, but its not EXACTLY the same, each object tends to have an essential quality, and that quality is expressed differently depending upon the level of density of vibration it is percieved in. So a lamp may be a bit different, in structure or size or color or whatever, though it is in the same spot. Same with a couch, etc. So I have found that some of my objects in my home become more and more related to me thru percieving them on a more conclusive level of vibration/awareness, I see more of their essential quality, that is, and so I feel more in tune with it, more than just as an object taking up space, this is true for outer environments too. I have found that the deeper you go, into the frequency of awareness, the less definite things are in relation to the outside, concensual world. So if I am out of body and I am still at a density that can nearly move an object, or that may possibly appear to someone as an apparition, the environment I’m in will nearly exactly reflect the 'waking world’. But if I move, with more and more clarity, energy, and concentration, to a higher frequencty, the more and more shadowy the realms become and the more fluid my body becomes, and the more things are happening at onece, and you would need a deeper and deeper capacity to hold and channel universal energy at this point in order to hold your awareness at that level. So that to me explains why accounts of out of body travel/projection vary so much from person to person. Because depending upon the level of vibration of the persons 'soulbody' energybody dreambody whatever you want to term it, double, or whatever, the environment and the sort of experiences will correlate. So those who have a better capacity to hold highly charged energy and awareness would tend to have more experiences on the 'higher' planes, and it seems that the "higher' or more intense the vibration, the harder it is to navigate concsiously, that is why discipline/practice/and healthy living contribute to a deepening ability to traverse more intense layers of experience. You can contain more of the world around/and thus inside you.
Someone who doesnt have the capacity to hold energy sufficient to stay in a certain 'plane' would tend to have a negative experience of it, because the frequency bears down upon one with intensity, like pressure, that is so 'painful' that you can’t stay aware at that level for long … it feels like a huge current of electricity running thru you, numbing you with pain, until you drift back 'down' to a level more in keeping with your current 'charge' capacity, hmmm. I find that I used to be thrown into a high level energy when I smoked herb, I would have access to deeper vibrations. However with long term use, I have now found that it deadens my energy and dulls it and makes it heavier and denser, so that instead of boosting me, it blocks me….
~Charleen Johnston, excerpt from a correspondence with a friend in 2002
“Into the Abyss” begins in January 1999; I had been in College since September, I was set free into an entirely new environment in which no one had any prior history of me, or 'story' of who I was. I had been ecstatic for the new adventure of living away from home and exploring a new territory. I had already been in a very manic period, since the summer of 1998, and by the end of winter had fallen headlong into the Saturnian pendulum swing of depression and angst and my external indulgences and debaucheries weighing like lead in my soul as I struggled to come to terms with the other pole of my being. It was 1999 that saw me through college and all its run-ins with authority, all the experimentation with mind altering substances and the dance with the demon of alcohol and the intensity of my wild self and having no real structure to tether the reigns. As the year progressed and became more and more unhinged, I lost all interest in school. Mostly I played basketball in the rec center for hours a day instead of going to classes, and spent my nights in a whirlwind of partying and seeking the mirror of self in all its forms. By the end of the school year, I knew I would not return, but also didn't want to go home. So I stayed in Greenville for the summer, as I came more and more unwound. Eventually, I left suddenly, and returned home, as I feared I was about to enter a chasm I could not escape from. (See 'Autobiographical Fractal Framework' in Volume 3 for the more fleshed out version.)
Once home I had more life and death encounters with the Dark Lord and the Mania and Madness that was following me, that I called the Madwoman's Whisper. I was spinning out of control.... and then I dove into the Abyss. (See "The Trip' at the end of the book). In one sense it saved me from complete obliteration and a fate worse than death. In another sense, I was completely dismembered, and my nervous system shattered by the weight of baring Eternity. It would become the task of the rest of my life, to unfold all that I experienced and Saw and Underwent. I would be given the decree to Embody the Promethian Flame of Inspiration and Awareness into the Fleshly Abode so fully that the Body ItSelf would be the Divine Vessel of Transfiguration and Life. Would I be capable of Grounding that incredible Current, into this vehicle?
Not yet. I had to undergo a complete re-wiring, which required me to Let Go of any semblance of a 'normal' reality. I was banished from the everyday participation of life, and pushed so far inside that I felt like I was simply witnessing everything around me in utter shock and dismay......all boundaries obliterated between I and Thou, Self and Other.
“The Pain of Purgatory” starts off in January 2000, struggling to come down to Earth, flailing in the supersensible realms, trying to reconcile my pulsating Awareness of AllThatls with the strange clumsy body and mind and nervous system I was operating in. I was essentially an ancient Being trapped in the body of an emotionally immature and manically arrogant and impatient human form. An utter crisis. I had the option of doing what I was witnessing in my Soul Brother, which is to attempt to fly further into the Promethian realms and Neptunian Boundaryless waters of ever-more mind altering substances in order to avoid the shock of dismemberment and loss of Ego and to incubate further the grandiose messianic consciousness that always finds us when we rip away the veil so completely before having the inner structures necessary to ground the current or to integrate the Enormity of It All At Once. Or I could take the opposite path. The path of Initiaton. The path of the Adept. The path of slowly finding all the shattered pieces of the Mirror and reMembering the Self Seam by Seem to Be.....like Osiris, I was Scattered and strung among the shadows and wraiths of Psyches Dream.
I chose the path of Initiation. Even back in college when I first had some very deep hyperspace experiences, It was not the 'product' I was interested in. It was the Process. The inhabiting consciously of my own Synaptic Song......I would attempt to Put Myself Back Together, to Gather the Trust and The Truth of the Mother......
I ended up in Jamaica in early 2000, for a month; It was filled with further initiation and ledges of the abyss. I made it out Alive, and was able because of my time there in the Liminal, to drop some of the rage and darkness that had bubbled to the surface after all boundaries had been shattered.
The thing with Ego Dissolution in a vessel unprepared, is that all of those traumas and Shades and demons now come to the surface, the protective mechanism that keeps them away til the capability of dealing with them constructively, is gone. So I had Lifetimes of baggage and ephemeral feelings and traumas and shame and dangers pouring out of my seams; I had no guidance, no support, no tether to cling to, except my ability to express through my art and writing, the battles and the neurosis and the near psychosis at times.
After returning from Jamaica, I was staying at my parents, in a small little room my dad had added on at some point, that you entered via a little ladder, through the floor. It was like a little prison cell, or a womb, whichever perspective you choose. Oh the metaphors. Now that I was out of the tropical sunshine, in shell-shock still, and having been trapped in my Mind for millions of years in the Trip Space, I was so desperately craving the touch of Human Flesh, of something stable and secure to tell me I was Real and Here and Alive, and not still trapped in the PrizmCell. I can remember crying so long and hard and fully that I thought what was left of my body would just disintegrate into thin air. I knew I was trapped in the tower but didn't know how to get out. On the outside I tried to play along with the game of reality but It must have been pretty unconvincing. I finally got a greyhound ticket to California, after some visions I had that made it pertinent that I go there to meet my Destiny. So June 13 l left on the bus, with almost nothing and about 100$ in my pocket, headed for the unknown once again. I was still 'tripping' after all that time, my consciousness in such a state that it was like swimming through the Codes and the Nodes of the program. I felt completely watched and protected and in tune with everything on an existential level, and yet was suffocated by an unbearable loneliness. As I arrived in my new Playground, | was back inside the Manic space, for another ride on the MerryGoRound. But I met my Tether there in SF, and I began to reWeave a sense of self, slowly. Living in dingy hostels and hotels and maneuvering through the underbelly....how my Plutonic Soul cherishes those experiences! There would be plenty more adventures and struggles to come, but the poetry after arriving in SF begins to take on a more cohesive feel and there is less frazzling and disillusionment.
This journey would continue and by mid December I was once again en route home to Va, for what ended up being a longer visit than planned....and in which Saturn's misery was revisited as I was cast back inside myself to make sense of all that had come before, and find a way forward into a next step on the ever-turning wheel.
The danger with peak experiences and being so focused in the spiritual realm is that one very easily imagines oneself to be far more evolved than one actually is, bypassing the dense human realm, the messy emotional and physical reality that is so insistent. When you are 20 and you have been inside the Center of the Spindle of the Core Processor and swam for millions of years through the SpaceTime field of Mind, bushwhacking oneself through the tangle of Synaptic Vines you are pretty sure you have it all figured out and that very grandiosity and megalomania which is so typical of psychonauts and explorers of hyperspace can force the human ego into a prison and dungeon of abuse and repression which comes out full force at unsuspecting moments. The fragmented and imbalanced emotional reality seeps out of barely stitched seams, an amorphous molasses that threatens to strangle the Puer who struggles to stay in flight above all those sticky human dramas and foibles...that morass of psychic gunk that gets stuck to the Soul as it tries to purify itself in the Flame. I used to read things about awakening and 'the Work' that said until the age of around 40 one had no real ability to truly ‘understand'. I balked at those insinuations....not I, I thought, in my youthful arrogance...they don't know where I Have Been, What I have Seen". It is endearing now, looking back at that Self... but the painful journey of those 20 odd years of Growing Down Into Self and Body, and Actually Activating and Embodying and Integrating, in the Flesh and the Heart, All that One Has StoodUnder Spiritually....and so easily perceived with Mind...is Sacred Testimony. We don the vestment of Life, then, no longer the Puer trying to escape in a frenzy of mania into the unmanifest, but patiently plodding along in a beautiful dance with Saturn, learning to build forms and creating Art from the journey of turning the Poison to Power. The Drama of the The Puer and Senex. No longer burning everything and everyone around one in an uncontainable Fire and Fury of restless angst, but tempering the Athanor to a flame that burns with a compassionate warmth and passion that feeds the life around one and makes things Grow in the Radiance of that Light.
The Journey of Embodiment...
'Welcome to the Jesters Playground", Everything Said.
The Fool who goes through the twists and turns and lives to learn, comes Full circle on the Wheel.......realizes that he is all the characters in the deck....uses the 64 hexagrams, the 64 squares on the chessboard, the 64 Codons of the Human DNA to Weave the Self Alive Again, in Time again, becomes the Jester....... and starts to Heal the Fracture.........of the Imagined Fall from Grace into Time and Space; The Loom ....
Charleen Johnston (From Linguistic Trickster Volume 5) available on Amazon
“Seaming is interwoven into everything I do….I consider myself a Patchworker of Dreams….I pull disparate parts together in new and playful ways, whether my base material be Fabric, Thoughts, Feelings, or Movements. I am Self Taught, a Self Taut InTensions of Multiple DiMensions playing with the poles of the Line, the Cycles of the Sine, the Twists of the Twine. When I create clothing or costumes, I almost always use reCycled materials. These pieces of clothing or fabrics hold the Stories of those who have Worn them or used them. I can feel these stories, they whisper to me, they scream at me, they want to be redeemed, reDeemed necessary and functional. Torn apart at the seams and merged with other Pieces of the dream, and reFashioned into a new expression. A more fun and unique, quirky, comfortable, playful and passionate arrangement. This process is not unlike the deeper mysteries of Spirit clothing itself in the garments of Body….The Soul is in the Seams….the Memories of the places in which we have Grown Together, Come Apart, Merge and DiVerge and play as inFinite Stars of the Dream. The 5 most basic elements of Fabrication are Scissors, Needle, Thread, Fabric, and the Self Who guides the Seams. The Fabric itself, is made up of Thread, and one could say that in taking the fractal deeper to source, the Loom is the higher octave of ‘fabric’. The Loom is the primordial structure on which the warp and weft of the the threads of Self are woven. That initial fabrication then becomes the malleable material in which we Play. But lets not go too deep quite yet.”
Volume 6 of Linguistic Trickster spans the time-frame of May 1996 through the end of 1998. This two and a half year period of my life has been the toughest to revisit in many ways. I was 15 1/2 when the poems begin, and have just turned 18 by the end of the period. Most of the poems are not amazing in themselves, as works of art. There are a few gems in there, and a few remain to this day some of my favorite pieces. But as a prolific autobiographical record of my own inner life they are precious to me, and I am so grateful to have the written residue of my young flailings, as hard as it is to read through them now, by the sheer force of their primal raw manic and disturbed inner confusions and contradictions. It is clear in hindsight that with the rise of puberty (I was a late bloomer and matured physiologically much later it seemed than most of my friends and peers) came an intensification of the Moods and Restlessness that had always haunted my extremely emotional and sensitive temperament. I doubt that most who knew me in those days would have guessed at the dark tempest that always raged right beneath the surface of my more manic and enthusiastic side. My wild side. My exuberance, playfulness, and barely containable readiness for adventure... along with my eagerness for mischief and mayhem... hid the despair and deeply painful Consciousness of Self. Behind the bubbling frenzy of the smiling trickster was the terrible demon of darkness. What I would call now my Daimon, the guiding figure of the Souls Pattern, dragging me through experience after experience, meeting myself in the mirrors all around me, in the world and other people, in dramas and dreams and the dreadful tearing of the seams of my inner landscape as I tried to find some foothold in a seemingly ever-shifting reality. How to remain tethered, I wondered, when each moment held an all-engaging presence of attention for me that fluctuated wildly from ecstatic flights of joyful ebullience to the deep abyss of misery; Making mountains out of mole-hills and Mole-hills out of mountains. Subtle Impressions from everyone and everywhere and everything gripped me constantly, pulling me this way and that. I had and still have, a vast reservoir of vital energy, of LifeForce, and as it was ripening in these years, I had no understanding whatsoever how to tame it. No model and no guide. It seemed to me that most people who surrounded me, were barely alive, just stumbling half-numb through life, no real Juice. I swore even then that I would not be one of them, that I would Live my passion one way or another. Even if it killed me. And that meant, also, that when the Passion turned to Pain and Interminable Self-Reflection, that I would follow those devils into Hell itself in order to discover what they hid.
After a lifetime of Obsessive Astrological exploration, as well as Deep dreamwork and shamanic soul recovery, I have a framework for all of what was taking place within my Soul. But back then, when these words poured out of me incessantly, I had no tether or map. All I had was the religious undertones of what I had absorbed through the normal programming of childhood that seeps in whether one is in an overtly religious household or not, and I judged and condemned myself harshly according to those standards. It seemed I went from one tortured obsession to another. My hyper-fixations usually took the form of people in those days. I craved intimate mirrors to play out the internal archetypal motifs that were swallowing me whole moment by moment. In AstroSpeak, I have a Fifth house Aries Moon...Aries being the sign in which the Martian Vitality and lifeforce and adventure is projected out toward the world and all It can experience and play with and consume and express. It is a cardinal sign, bringing with it Change for the sake of Change. Everything gets old quick. No matter how beautiful or real or pure. My emotional reactions were always tinged with fire and dynamism and impatience and arrogance...as well as childlike innocence and naivete and curiosity. Falling Hard and fast and quick, and getting bored just as easy. Like a toddler. As a 'sort of' counterbalance I have the Sun/Uranus/Asc/Mercury in First house Scorpio, also ruled by Mars (and Pluto in modern Astrology), but with that same fiery volatile Passion and intensity turned inward, but with fixity, to the existential abyss, the subtle psyche, the imaginal realm and the chthonic underworld where all our hidden shadows dwell. I was drawn to the darkness and all things taboo, to all things hidden and hushed. I needed to feel things so deeply and confront life so head on, whether inwardly or outwardly, I was unable to plant my feet on the ground in any solid sense. I never really had any real 'plan' for things, never felt settled in my skin, just riding each wave and crest and then sinking to the bottom in an endless overwhelm. My entire life has been bound up in the question of What on Earth To Do With All This Energy and Passion and Drive to Experience? Destroy myself and Others? Channel it into something divinely inspired? Transmute the raw and unbridled kundalini sexual and creative energy into Art and Alchemy? Aching to Pupate. Always. Always. All Ways.
Not everyone is so fixated on their personal Mythology, but for me, it is my Daimonic Urge and Reason to Be Here This Time Around. It is all coming Full Circle. The Fool Circling Herself Over and Over again......Spinning the toroid and surfing the tides. The churning of the cosmic ocean, with the poles of my moods, and obsessions. Pluto/Venus in the 12th house underLooking all of it, smirking in the background, knowing that the entire Game of Life for me would be this never-ending battle between my unquenchable need and desire to penetrate all things and all people so deeply in the psychic reality that there would be a complete merging of souls and obliteration of the separate Self.........and my unconquerable need and desire for ultimate freedom and sovereignty and manic flights of hyperfixation into whatever new flight of fancy drew my eye and my mind and my fiery soul into its crucible at the time. And Time was so unstable, it tilted and wavered constantly from one extreme to another. It is easy to see this now and to laugh at times at the utter contradiction of my nature in its raw and adolescent attempts at individuating out of the morass of the yeasty culture-d glass of the collective. If I didn't have this huge tome of proof of just how unbalanced I was I might have overwritten those files in my mythology with any number of placations and delusions of sensibility. But alas, I have been leaving myself clues and codes for so long, lifetimes, that I feel my hamster wheel of existence is simply struggling each time to catch up with where I left off....so I can resume the Game. Venus and Pluto's red velvet embrace taunting me on to dive again and again into the poison, attempting to discover the antidote within it. The Fractal nature of Time and Space and The spinning Gyres of our moments and mires, brings us over and over again to the same drama in some different form, some different intensity, some altered frequency of awareness making the reVisiting of Episodes vary in just how destructive or cathartic or world-shaking each anniversary of annihilation is. For me, the whole Scorpio season is rife with peril, but particularly when the transiting Sun each year has navigated through my 12th house and over my Pluto/Venus conjunction, and then straddles my Ascendant in Scorpio. November 1st is the darkest Underworld Period in my private psychomythography. Over and over 'abducted' into the realm of Hades, jerked from Demeter's springtime world of innocence and maidenhood and into the realm of the Dark One. We who follow Stories through Time, though, know that there are alternate versions of the tale. In some, Hades Pluto steals the Kore maiden away, against her wishes, pulled down down down into the depths of the Earth and the Chthonic underground, to be his bride. Tricked and manipulated into eating that dastardly pomegranate, the poor naive Persephone is born anew against her delicate Will, initiated into the mysteries of life and death and sex and birth and death and the psychic reality, raped by the dark lord himself, and held against her will as her poor mourning mother wanders all the lands of the upper world refusing to let anything grow. But there are alternate versions in which Persephone chooses of her own volition to leave her mother's spring-world and to descend inward and deep into the treasure-land of Pluto's psychic wealth. Foregoing her innocence, and stepping into her role as bride of Hades and Queen of the Underworld. I always knew, even during each cyclical 'Rape of Hades' that there was some element that had chosen to go willingly. That had not hesitated with the offering of the pomegranate seeds. 'The red dripping juice, the blood ripping loose, as I lay within it' . My first exposure to Greek Mythology in this incarnation, held me spellbound; And always it was the Story of Persephone and Hades that obsessed me. We know, on some level, which archetypal assortment of ancient and future narratives we have come to spin into some new form and tapestry with our very life-blood and psychic substrate. We know, deep down in the Marrow of Our Bones........what we have come to do. Who we have come to form from the raw clay. We know, when we feel the foreboding of the future, our innocent child and adolescent minds reaching out toward that terrifying abyss and yet clutching to the apron strings of our Mamas, our Demeter, who weeps for the inevitable Loss of their pure maiden. Confrontation with Self is Alluring in all Times and Spaces. Indeed.
I used to think, when younger, that my rendezvous' with Hades were the causal factor in my psychic splitting and fragmenting and my extreme lack of boundaries and fixation on the seductive spirit of the Lust for Life expressed through the only thing I had at my disposal, my body and my heart, and my soul. I now know that I came into this realm with this blueprint, and I have been working on this theme in some form for lifetimes. I swore, on the other side of the Dream, that I would finally integrate all of this. I remember. I remember promising mySelf that I am ready to burst through into an entirely new expression of SpiritAsBody.........a new Form, utterly different, as different as the butterfly and the caterpillar. A transfiguration that cannot happen without letting everything that has ever come before, in all lives and timelines, turn to mush within my Sealed Vessel. I can imagine nothing more painful than the crystallized imprints of all self-idea and frameworks of being, dissolving into an amorphous mass of pure raw material....... and with it the self-inflicted guilts and shame and terror of immortality. I know, because I have gone through the process on fractal levels. And so far, it has been the most painful and humbling thing that I have ever experienced as a human playing at being, a seeminglySeparateSelf, over and over and over again. I have clung to my own narratives and stories and miseries like prized possessions, time after time, during the catabolic process. The eventual release is the closest thing to surrender or bliss I know of. And I descend now, into these psychic gulags that hold trapped fragments of the selves I have been and Am, in this and other realities, not because of any desire to drag the 'past' along behind me like a dead weight....but because I know What It Is To Create From The Compost Of Our Most Intense and Animated and Alive Moments.
I sit now, after editing and going through over 600 poems from a small period of time in which I was both the most Innocent and filled with dreams as I would ever be again, as well as the most tormented and lost and confused and victim to my own impulses and out-of-control Eros as I would ever be. I am listening to a playlist that I remade, from the mixtape my first love gave to me. Back when it was a process of recording patiently onto a cassette tape. The words to the songs are eerily prescient, holding the fractal of what would become the mythology of our magic little world. I almost cannot bear it, feeling all of the things I felt then, so viscerally, and reliving the excitement and the hope and the innocence and yet also the turbulence of my own inner conflicts and clumsy attempts to silence the voice of denial that held me hostage, living in an ivory tower of dissociation from my most recent abduction into Hades realm. And the recognition, the knowing that over and over in my life, my own Nature, my own desperate clinging to the Daimon's Games of Power have led me to hurt other people deeply, people I adored and felt such deep and abiding love and affection for. Over and over again the wheel turns. And I face myself. Just a different set and costumes for the same story. And yet....the knowing....that each decision and each turn of the spiral has led to the next keyhole of destiny. The flesh feels things differently than the mind does. The Body and the Soul can twist in anguish where the mind and spirit simply evaluate from their lofty perch.
I am loathe to admit that I have never really been hurt or left dark and cold by another, at least romantically, despite what my young immature poetry seems to attest to. My abductions have been of betrayal of a different manner. And how often have I cried so loud and so deep and so long, tears that really belong to those who have been left tangled in their own tapestry of pain, by my own actions and desperate restlessness? Even those events in which, to anyone else, I would be considered a 'victim' have never left any real and lasting indelible mark on my consciousness in the same way as having to hold the pain of hurting anOther. In some ways I know that later tortures and entanglements that I drew myself into, were my way of punishing myself for things I have carried for so long. It is We, who whip ourselves and flagellate, for every real or perceived indiscretion or misuse of power or passion. We roll through Other's lives like steam engines, all of us, the same way they roll through ours, and we all leave marks and scars and broken hearts and broken pieces of mechanical parts.....we are mirrors of each other. My whole life I have been trying to shatter the mirrors and free mySelf from my own psychic gulag. There are some fragments of soul that have been trapped inside for Aeons. The River Lethe's waters are refreshing.....
This is the End of the Innocence.
Or is it?
The Eternal Return........Some believe we are forced into this rotating wheel of existence, as a punishment, others as a great trick and trap of the soul by the nefarious overlord who created this matrix simulation. Some believe there is no real point except to be pure enough and good enough and virtuous enough to get off the wheel and stay in the heavenly abode of nirvana and everlasting peace. I have inhabited those lofty and angry reality tunnels. I have been there. As a reaction against my naturally passionate and vital life-force, and my indulgences, I have swung to the opposite extreme. I have been so virtuous and unsullied and pure that I was basically dead. You know the type. So dissociated from their Soul and Body that they really believe they have no anger or desire or Eros......it is all painted white and hung on the wall of the ivory tower up there in the Heavenly Resort where God hangs out with his chosen ones........disgusted with the messy vulgarities of life. Yes, those ones. They have the most life-force in them, I believe, and it so terrifies them, that to acknowledge it and to dance with it and sculpt it consciously is such an overwhelming task, that it is never begun. So the Angelic Choir sings on inside their deluded minds.....while their Body paces like a tiger in a cage, and their Heart fractures piece by piece to keep from exploding into some exuberant display of animal joy at the mere taste of air and of sunlight and of the senses shouting to every other thing in their vicinity that I AM HERE, BY GOD, I AM ALIVE! I have been that starved person. Quite Literally. I started out as the Tiger, and when Lifeforce quickened within me I was on Fire with Life and Love and Laughter and Creativity. In a World where only the Living Dead are allowed to exist. And I tried to shut it off and shut it down and because I could not, I hated myself, and It dripped mercilessly into a pool of dark molasses that clung to every failure and flaw of my pathetic human self and insecurities and lust and self-lies. And then, I would rise again from the dreadful heap of suffering and spring into some new obsession and fixation and feel the well-spring of God in my veins again and rail against any or all who may have had the audacity to try and cage this tiger again. And in Truth...... It was always I, who caged Me. I read now, through my past words, my desperate projections onto Other. I see how this raging fire within was threatening to consume me entirely, and was projected outward on any available mirror, anything that could hold the intensity of my Gaze for just a moment, long enough to rid myself of the demons. The Daimon.
I see, in retrospect, and even at the time I had awareness of it, to be honest, that I was arguing and exclaiming with my own Self in most of my writing.
“We make out of the quarrel with others, rhetoric, but of the quarrel with ourselves, poetry.” ~W B Yeats
The various competing forces of my psychic configuration hashing it out constantly. We all do it. But some are more sharply defined and more deeply accursed with erratic moods and depth of feeling and empathic undulations that make it impossible to know the difference between self and other, until a long initiation in the fire and the water. And then, perhaps, that curse is turned into a gift. The Innocence. That is why we play this game. Over and over. We will never fore-go it. Ever. How do I know? Because Here We Are. We go through all the tribulations and traumas of building a new infant body and making the journey through the abyss, into an often shocking and tumultuous young existence......all to feel, One More Time, what it is to be so smitten with Life and Possibility and Not-Knowing, that we cave under the weight. We drag Immortality behind us in a tightly tethered sack that we pretend is not there, for the experience of losing the Self in An Other. Of having a chance to Play with New Rules and Discover again, the Ecstasies of Falling in Love for the first time, or of setting out into the Great Beyond to Make A Life For Oneself. The Fools Journey. Full Circle. Circling the Square and Squaring the Circle. While the I divides itSelf in Time. Leaving Space for Ties that Bind Body and Mind. We leave Eternity over and over again Simply to feel the Innocence: we will give up all wisdom , endlessly, to look out thru the eyes of wonder and the unjaded heart that bleeds and beats …. We start out wishing for all the experience and the answers and the knowings, trying to race thru everything and the older we get in these human Characters, the more sure we are, I think, each time, that we will do it all Over again..::all the pain and all the sorrow and all the confusion and all the angst , just to feel that Innocence of Life First Seeing Itself In AnOther’s Eyes. And the wheel turns itself over again. “It was the end of the innocence” William Blake knew. The Songs of Innocence. The Songs of Experience. And there-in Lie We. Somewhere In-Between. Worlds in Collision, Trying To Be.
We come into each others lives as Humans Playing at Being, helping each other See ourSelves differently so we can Be ourSelves differently. Whether we know it intellectually at the time, on some level we know where we are headed in this life. Even when we are still just an acorn, aching to live itSelf out into whatever Oak it can Stand to Be.
🥀{“Do you see the story? Do you see anything? It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dream--making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is the very essence of dreams...”
🫀19 years ago, a full Nodal Cycle, I was heavily pregnant with my son.:::.and 9 days from giving birth::::::::: i am still in awe of the magic and miracle that is human gestation( any gestation really) and birth. I wrote the following three years ago… about becoming a mother to my son🫀 —————////////————-///////—————//////———— 🌟16 years ago I opened the Vesica so my Golden SonShine could spray his Radiance into this Reality. I was told by so many people that I was Crazy…. For Having an unassisted Pregnancy without a single doctor visit or test or invasion of my temple…for Birthing him at home, into my own hands, without outside interference by by anyone…..For not cutting his Umbilical cord and instead allowing it to detach in its own as he gently transitioned from one dimensional Space to another….for keeping him skin to skin contact constantly for the first week, and almost constantly til he could maneuver away on his own….for wearing him in slings snd on my back constantly til he walked at almost 10 months snd chose to run and explore….for never using diapers and instead learning his signals and pottying him…for Breasfeeding him til he turned 5, and never once giving him a bottle or pacifier or artificial external soothing substitutes…for sleeping with him for many years, and making sure his Bonding was secure and filled with love and support…never leaving him alone to cry as a baby…and especially called crazy and irresponsible for him never having been to a single doctor visit or test, nor allowed a single Va$$ination or other invasion of his temple.
Everyone makes the choices they are comfortable with, and these were choices I was willing to defend with my life. When you defy everyone around you and in the face of societal and family programming, claim full Responsibility for your Gestation and Birth process and the consequences thereof, and choose to be a Testament to Sovereignty on all levels of your Being, you will receive all kinds of projections from the masses and from those who are so afraid of their own Power that they will silently hope for your downfall for the very act of standing against a System of Disempowerment.
It’s never easy to spend your life learning, and taking responsibility for your own Health and the health of your child. It takes courage and focus, and Trust in a level of being that will test every bit of you along the way. It’s not for the faint of heart. I’m not judging anyone who doesn’t make the same choices I made. But I still stand by my own decisions, and I have a 16 year old blossoming Man, who has made it til now with not a single doctor visit ( minus a required Physical to enter high school)or allopathic intervention, or injection….he’s incredibly intelligent and quick minded, extremely robust physically, and very much his own person, with little care for impressing the crowd. I am grateful beyond measure.
I have made many hard decisions in my life, and more than once left behind everything I care about, in order to do what I felt was the right thing for the larger picture and others involved. Some may judge those decisions also, over the past several decades, harshly. The one thing I can stand by, is that every single choice I have ever made…I take full responsibility for. And there’s not a single person other than myself in all these years thst I blame for anything. Birthing my son in the way I did, and raising him against the tide of social norms and msss programming, was an Initiation of the highest order, and In the current climate of Medical Tyranny, and Invasion of Individual Will , and Rape of the Human Body and Mind with Injections and forced Penetration and Programs and surrender of Soul to a Machine that is little understood by those who have lived their entire life giving over the responsibility for their Lives and Health to something outside of them…. I Renew my Vow of Sovereignty… And will undergo whatever further initiations that are calling me, with absolute surrender to my own Individual Path and Acceptance of Responsibility. While allowing others to do whatever it is that they feel called to do, without interference by me.
May all beings find their Empowerment and reClaim their Divine Will and ReMember that Body is something so miraculously magical…. The more one lives in harmony snd devotion to their own physical body, the more they will live in alignment and devotion to the body of Earth…. And the less Fear of the greater Reality.
Blissed Be. Happy Birthday to my Starchild , and also to the Mother I became on this day 16 years ago.(((((🌟)))))) ~(((((((1-20-2022)))))
“Happiness is strange; it comes when you are not seeking it. When you are not making an effort to be happy, then unexpectedly, mysteriously, happiness is there, born of purity, of a loveliness of being.” ― Jiddu Krishnamurti
🌹⭐️🌹 the biggest gift I could ever have given this reality , is the devotion to my own healing and awareness both before, during, and after becoming a portal for the deliverance of a Child Of the Heart into this fleshDream…. How can we help to heal this fractured schism of a world if we do not undertake the Great Work and then emit that Seed into the fertile Soul of a Soul who will carry on the blessings we bestow through our devotion to Integration?
I know the extent of how much of my own lineage of trauma and pain has been cleared thru my own participation in the dance of alchemy, by watching my son become a man…. By seeing how different he navigates and how few ‘holes’ he has to fill , and how ‘whole’ his mind and heart and body is; I am grateful beyond words that I dug so deep into the underworld, even if the only result were to be that my son did not have to spend most of his life undoing the patterns and poisons and dysfunctional inheritances we bear from our ancestral lines. We are the forebears, each and every one of us who choose to alchemise the vessel, of a different way of coCreating reality here in this Realm. It’s starts with Us, and with what and how we Birth our Fruits into this Womb, for we are a womb just as the Mother Matrix is a womb, and we can only produce seeds from the particular fruit we have grown.
We CanSeed this Dream Consciously
There are many ways to alter the design and help raise the veils to see the beauty of creation and the dance of selves at play; the absolute miracle of the process of gestating and birthing a new Being into this playground is so beyond scope , and is an absolute wonder to behold.
Have we forgotten what is at play when we participate in this adventure? Please don’t forget, find the magic and majesty in this engagement and watch the seeds become mighty oaks ❤️
🔥 Everyone understands the pain that accompanies death, but genuine pain doesn’t live in the spirit, nor in the air, nor in our lives, nor on these terraces of billowing smoke. The genuine pain that keeps everything awake is a tiny, infinite burn on the innocent eyes of other systems. 🔥
~Federico García Lorca
Bugün ben pirimi gördüm Pirin esigi güldür gül Egildim yüzümü sürdüm Pir'in etegi güldür gül Gülden terazi yaparlar Gülü gül ile tartarlar Gül alirlar gül satarlar Çarsi pazari güldür gül Gülden degirmeni döner Nun ile gül ügünür Akar arki döner arki Bendi pinari güldür gül Gel ha, gel ha, can Hatayi dostun nefesi güldür gül Su öten garip bülbülün Derdi figani güldür gül
Written by Fuat Talay & Mads Nordheim
Music by Fuat Talay & Mashti
Today I saw my pir The pir's threshold is a rose, a rose I bent down and put my face on it The pir's skirt is a rose, a rose They make scales from roses They weigh roses with roses They buy roses, they sell roses The bazaar is a rose, a rose The mill turns from roses The rose whirls with Nun The wheel of the stream turns The spring of the dam is a rose, a rose Come, come, come, my soul The breath of the friend who made a mistake is a rose, a rose The strange nightingale that sings The trouble of the lament is a rose, a rose
🌹 “This time of year my thoughts always return to the rites of Kore. I might be coping with the world folding in on itself, and the similar changes I experience within my own inner world, or it may just be an inherent fascination with etiological myth, to say nothing of the powerful duality of delicate springtime maiden and Queen of the Underworld within one goddess.
Her more widely known name, Persephone, means “bringer of death,” in the sense that her deft but gentle hand is a comfort and a guide to those making their descent. In this way, and as the goddess of the Eleusinian mysteries, she herself is the door to worlds unknown, a portal to revelations. Among her other epithets in Homer and among cults (Euripides calls her arrētos, “she who none may name,” Homer calls her agauē and hagnē, “venerable” and “demanding respect”). Persephone is her name as mistress of the house of Hades. In these rites, she is often referred to as Kore, which means, simply, “maiden.” “
~Sara Long
🌹
Reese Miller as the Kore , (or Jester Maiden) before being Taken by hades to the Underworld to become his Jester Queen
The Kore archetype, traditionally representing youthful innocence and potential in mythology and psychology, symbolizes much more than just the early stages of life. It is a powerful symbol of transformation, growth, and the cyclical nature of existence. The Kore, as a maiden figure often associated with goddesses like Persephone in Greek mythology, also carries deeper meanings about the illusions tied to youth, time, and identity. By examining the symbolism of the Kore, we can explore the larger themes of human experience—innocence, growth, and the journey from one phase of life to another. ~ Jenna LillaThe Kore is often depicted as a young maiden, symbolizing the freshness and purity of youth. This stage of life is marked by innocence, untested potential, and an open future. In mythology, the Kore is often paired with the figure of the mother, as seen in the myth of Demeter and Persephone. Kore, in this case, represents Persephone in her youthful form before her descent into the underworld, where she transforms into the queen of the dead. This dual role of the Kore—both innocent maiden and future queen—symbolizes the unfolding of life from youth to maturity. While the Kore is a symbol of growth and transformation, this very cycle also highlights the transitory nature of life. Youth, while often idealized as a time of beauty, vitality, and potential, is fleeting. The attachment to youth and the fear of aging reflect deeper psychological and spiritual challenges. Just as the Kore will eventually transform, we, too, are called to move beyond the illusions of youth and embrace the full journey of life. ~Jenna LillaThe Kore’s association with youth also raises questions about how we perceive time and change. The concept of youth, as something idealized or feared, is tied to the larger illusion of time itself. We often become attached to the idea of youth as a period of innocence and purity, but this attachment can lead to a sense of loss as we grow older. The fear of aging, or the desire to remain forever young, is an illusion created by the mind, which clings to temporary states of being. ~Jenna LillaIn reality, the essence of life is timeless and not bound by the cycles of youth and age. The Kore archetype reminds us that while we pass through different stages of life, these stages are just phases in a larger continuum. The true nature of our being—our consciousness or essence—remains unchanged, even as our bodies age and our experiences shift. The Kore, therefore, symbolizes the movement through these stages, but also serves as a reminder that beneath these changing forms, there is something timeless and unchanging.~Jenna LillaOne of the central themes of the Kore archetype is the journey from innocence to wisdom. In many myths, this journey involves a descent into the unknown, a confrontation with darker, more challenging forces. In the case of Persephone, her abduction by Hades and subsequent time spent in the underworld represent the loss of innocence and the gaining of wisdom. This is not just a story about personal growth but about the necessary transitions that all individuals must undergo to attain greater understanding. In this context, the Kore symbolizes the tension between innocence and experience, youth and maturity. While youth is often seen as a time of unblemished potential, true wisdom comes through the trials and challenges of life. However, both innocence and wisdom are part of the same journey. The duality between these states—between youth and age, innocence and wisdom—reflects the deeper truth that growth and transformation are part of the natural order of life. ~Jenna LillaThe Kore archetype also speaks to the cyclical nature of life, where birth, growth, decay, and renewal are intertwined. In many cultures, the Kore is connected to the cycles of the seasons, particularly in the myth of Persephone, whose descent and return from the underworld are linked to the changing of the seasons. Her time in the underworld represents winter and death, while her return to the surface symbolizes spring and rebirth. This cyclical pattern serves as a reminder that life is not linear but is made up of repeated cycles of growth and transformation. The Kore’s journey from maidenhood to queenhood, from innocence to wisdom, is not a one-time event but part of a continuous process of renewal. Just as nature moves through its seasons, so too do we pass through different phases of life, each phase offering its own lessons and opportunities for growth. ~Jenna LillaWhile the Kore represents the cycles of life, she also invites us to transcend the illusions of duality that often accompany these cycles. The distinction between youth and age, innocence and experience, can create a sense of separation, making us believe that these stages of life are opposites. However, the Kore archetype teaches that these are not separate states but are interconnected parts of a whole. ~Jenna LillaIn the myth of Persephone, her role as both Kore (the maiden) and queen of the underworld shows that youth and maturity are two sides of the same coin. The cycle of life encompasses both light and dark, innocence and wisdom. By embracing both aspects of ourselves—the youthful, innocent part and the mature, wise part—we can move beyond the illusions of duality and experience a more integrated, whole sense of self. ~Jenna LillaUltimately, the Kore archetype symbolizes the potential for growth, transformation, and renewal. She represents the beginning of a journey, but also the deeper truth that all stages of life are interconnected. The youthful innocence of the Kore is not something to cling to, but something to honor as part of the larger process of becoming. Her story is one of continuous transformation, reminding us that life is a series of cycles that lead us toward greater understanding and wisdom. ~Jenna LillaBy reflecting on the Kore, we are reminded that the passage of time, the movement from youth to age, is not something to fear but something to embrace. Each phase of life brings its own gifts, and by accepting the flow of time, we can experience life more fully. The Kore symbolizes the beauty of this unfolding journey, encouraging us to embrace both the innocence of youth and the wisdom that comes with experience. Jenna Lilla
I came thru the other side of that and learned that it’s not about Transcending but about Integrating. Spirit plays here for its own reasons, and is drawn to this Earth Flesh Playground because it wants to Feel Deeply and experience visceral Life. Being a very plutonic underworld person but aiming always for the spirit when I was in my 20s, it took a lot of delusional wake up experiences to Own all that I had believed myself to have transcended. All that stuff I thought I had evolved past, I had simply dissociated from, and the force of its wrath at being ignored and suppressed made its fury known in physical symptoms and deeply imbalanced emotional reality with a dash of incredibly Underworld-like navigations thrown in. The higher I thought I was flying in those years, the more pure i thought I was, came at a price and it was collected by the Dark Feminine in 2018. And since complete dissolution and and finally Truly making friends with the parts of the Self that I had trapped in deep subterranean caves and dungeons , with compassion, and awareness that it was a matter of freeing bit by bit, those fragments from all timelines trapped in my Prizm Cell.Ves. Instead of ‘Mind over Mattering’ my body and pushing it to extremes, instead of convincing myself I was pure and lofty and fully my idealized Spirit Self-the Puer( my online and business name even used to be Puella Eterna for 13 years)- i became engaged in the true Alchemical Work. I Realized how abusive I had been to Psyche and Body all those years ( and lifetimes) of denigrating the dark hungry fiery tempest of my soul, the Feminine, thinking I could Will Myself into the magical spheres of the heavenly abodes:.:::: I have always been easily carried away on the wings of spirit, can easily disembody into OBE states etc. What I came here to do, Now, was to actually Make This Body Fully Conscious , for it is the Marriage bed of Eros and Psyche, and the Alchemy of Life uses all vibrations to create.
When I made friends with the depth of my own Pain and Anger and Lust for Aliveness, Lust for Intensity of Being, and my own Arrogance etc ( Scorpio ascendent/Mercury conjunction, sun/Uranus Scorpio conjunction( all ruled by mars) and all in the 1st house( house of mars/Aries), with an Aries moon( mars ruled) and Mars aspecting strongly every planet in my chart = I was a complete Fool to imagine that I was a soft and ethereal spiritual angelic figure floating in the higher spheres…..:. I am a child of Mars, and Mars at its best is the Blood and Passion and Vitality to Exist and Move in this Realm, Mars is the defender and protecter of all that is sacred in creation, it is Raw, Brash, Authentic, Physically Vital, Mentally Agile, Temperamental….and Serves the Feminine……
When I truly came to Know Myself and stopped building castles in the sky, but used my archetypal Mercurial nature along with Mars to go to the Underworld and reclaim the very Selves I had locked up thru this Infinite Game over Time, I came Alive and learned what real Power is.
That’s my journey. I have compassion for that person I was and thought I was, but I have made my Vow, to Die in Battle, as a Sacred Warrior, and a Warrior must be in touch with his/her Fire and Anger and lust and Blood and sacrifice it on the alter of the Feminine Creation…..
( of interest is the relation of mars and Saturn… Mars/Blood is made in the Marrow of the bones/Saturn…… Mars is the Warrior who serves The Saturn Kingdom, which is the very energy that gives Form to the life principle:= in my chart, My mars is in Sagittarius/conjunct Neptune ( the spiritual warrior) in the second house( using the physical body/ it’s values and resources) And is Square( tension) (serving) Saturn in Libra which is also conjunct to almost a degree…… in the 11th house/ community and the larger stage of service to the people: It’s all written in Light Codes we wove ourselves into.
My heavy 12th house/ underworld where Pluto/hades sits exactly to the minute almost, with Venus, is my Lifelong lesson…..spiritualizing and completely transforming the Sexual and Aesthetic principles……using the raw lust and vitality of The black Goddess Black Carbon through Dionysus protean morphing Imaginal spheres under intense pressure to create the Diamond Body.:::: the twin Sisters of Carbon666 and Daimond ….. the Treasures hidden in this Earth and this Flesh and this Game of Matter Mater Mother Matrix Maat.
The Psyches realm is a dark realm that takes in everything….light and dark and everything in between. It likes the humus of earth, the compost, the shit of life, the messy smelly sweaty fleshy human realm of bodies bumping into bodies in sensate expression , playing with selves in Carnes Nation, the carnal nest of alchemy, where Soul is the Imaginal Playscape and Spirit must come Down To Earth to Play with Form.
I spent so much time out of body for the first 26 years of my life; I’m now happily Wed in the alchemical marriage bed knowing the Great Work goes on and on and on, and my relationship with Saturn has transformed my life into one of beauty: I used to balk at Saturn and his crusty old crystallization and constriction of my ever-so Icarus-like ideals……
But….
I am the Sacred Warrior who Serves the Divine…:.I serve the King and the Kingdom and Protect and Honor the Queen and her Queendom… because as the Mercurial Martian or the Martian Mercurius……..the Foolish Warrior or the Warrior Fool, my realm is not just the heavens but I travel between the Yooer and the Lower and The middle realms and so I just be able to hold the Tension of all Their Frequencies.
An honest person is one who knows his own capacity to Lie but chooses Truth…..a Strong person knows his own capacity for Violence but chooses Restraint….a Wise person is one who knows his own capacity for ignorance and knows he is a Fool…..a Peaceful person is one who knows his own Anger and so is not blindsided when least expecting it, and thus knows what it is to be Gentle.
May the black moist Fertile Soil keep your Roots nurtured as your branches reach for the Sky ⭐️🙌⭐️
Aho.
10-18-24
My friends post that my response is in reference to.
another way of saying what I expressed, is that as a Waving Being who Becomes Particular….in this journey of Embodiment through the entire Spectrum of Light and Frequency….. is that I am in the Prizm Cell of All my Lives in All Realities, in All Times and Spaces……expressing through this Body, Now, which is made up of All of Me~s, all the Cell.ves and Organ~I~zed Cohesions holographically …. In terms of Light… Infrared all The way thru UltraViolet….we also Embody as Sound and All variations of frequency.
Infrared penetrates all the way thru Earth and hence Body, ‘the smokeless fire’…..the realm of the Djinn….. that is where we have the Dark parts of ourCellves ….not Evil…..Darkness and of a different spectrum …..Ultraviolet more akin to our Angelic SidesOfSelf..,;;
When we seek the UV and demonize the Infrared, we get trapped in the Prizm of our own fragmentation…..we disown a huge amount of the deepest aspects of Being, whilst grasping for the Angelic Aspects: They have their Realms for a reason.:::::.
When I speak of going deep into the underworld, to mine the treasures of Pluto/Hades in the darkest layers of Self trapped and submerged and cast off in this infinite journey, I speak of going into the Infrared WaveForms of Self that are as much Me as the UV or higher vibration LightWaves that are of a very different nature, but equally Me.
Fire & Light
Is a poetic way of playing with it
In my lifetime of ‘out of Body’ experiences and traversing in the high frequency Light of detachment and lucidity, the permeations are very different than when I go deeply ‘in body experience’ which is raw and primal and Fiery and red heat of Feeling….
Our Bodies give us a Playground where we bring All Of these Refractions of Self into one Expression , as a Tether, if you will, to Come To Terms With Self Literally To Bring to Term Our Self Like a Mother carrying To term Her Baby
New creation.
The more we Integrate and ReClaim all the fractured frequencies that issue From our own Spark of Existence as a Being Who Is,
The more we Free those frequencies to Nourish all Of Bodies In all Of Times.
If the very Elementals/elements that make up my fleshly abode are brought into a cohesive net of Understanding and Loving Awareness, as they go on in their journey and become part of other bodies and abodes, they themselves are able to bring healing …
Like the Dwarves who live deep in earth and who are like elementals in a sense
And Elves who are like the perfected or angelic higher selves
And the HuMan, here in the Middle Earth,
Thigh we are all of them Depending on which Angle Of the Arc We Shine our I’s From
BlissNinja 