I told you I'd write you a poem. I've stared at the blank page over and over again. Everything I write comes out cheezy. How to say what I want to say when it's all tangled up within me?
I remember you , thru my young girl eyes... I don't quite know what I felt then. Attracted to danger, to life, to risk. Attracted to freedom, to leaving the confines of my little world. I found it. I traded my innocence for a peek at the underworld. There were times I hated you. Felt you deceived me. There were times I hated myself, for allowing you into my sacred soul. There were times I loved you. Wanted to save you from yourself. There were times I loved myself. Felt strong and deep and whole.
I remember you, thru my femme fatale eyes... I don't quite know what I felt then. Wanting to give you danger, life, risk. Wanting to show you freedom, drag you from the confines of your little world. I gave it. I lured you into my underworld. There were times I craved you. Wanted to show you how a woman Fucked. There were times I craved myself. Wanted to feel at home within my skin, my bones. There were time I needed you. Wanted to own my own soul, to understand. There were times I needed myself. Wanted to return to my innocence.
I told you I'd write you a poem. And this one doesn't rhyme. Sometimes It takes a different style, a different voice, to share what we find. Somehow you have been woven into my life, woven in and out of scenes and dreams. Always reappearing at the crossroads. Did I ever imagine you would be a constant symbol on my path....showing up when I least expected to find you? Did I ever imagine you would trade your darkness for the light, grasping for truth, craving deliverance, sustenance, salvation? Did I ever imagine you would bask in your role as father, nourisher, provider, redeemer?
I told you I'd write a poem for you. A different kind of poem than the poems I wrote long ago. A poem filled with experience, with living and loving and coming together and coming apart and coming over and over and over again in many beds and in many scenes and in many dreams of things between the seen and unseen burial mound of things freed and things redeemed. I imagine you now, alone. Solitude! Aloneness. There is nothing more beautiful, to know oneself. To understand the magic within, to anticipate the patterns and habits and mind-traps, and to remove the obstacles from your path. Growth. Evolution. From Youth to Wisdom. From Faith to Understanding. Don't walk blindly, the road is peopled with parts of you, parts of your life, parts of your truth. Wake every cell, wake every mourning dream, take everything given you and Breathe.
I told you I'd write a poem for you. There is so much more I could say, so many things and feelings and memories wrapped around the images in my soul. In my heart. There are many roads, and they all lead to Self. There are many dreams, and they all lead to Life. In my heart, you are whole. You are the Waker, the Taker, the Thief. You are the Faker, the Breaker, the Jester. You are the piece of me that spoke to me of possibilities and ether dreams. A decade has passed, or more, since our lives were interwoven. A decade of different stories and dreams and lovers and smiles and fears and tears and things left unsaid... This is the poem I told you I'd write, scribbled out in rouge, bled from the heart beating, within me, a rich pomegranate red.
There is really nothing more to say when we come back to that beginning of all beginnings that is nothing at all. Only when you begin to lose the Alpha or Omega do you want to start to talk and to write, and then there is no end to it, words, words, words. At best and most they are perhaps in memoriam, evocations, conjurations, incantations, emanations, shimmering, iridescent flares in the sky of darkness, a just still feasible tact, indiscretions, perhaps forgivable….
City lights at night, from the air, receding, like these words, atoms each containing its own world and every other world. Each a fuse to set you off…
If I could turn you on, if I could drive you out of your wretched mind, if I could tell you I would let you know.
RD Laing ‘Bird of Paradise’
Back and forth Ive gone, trying to decide which framework to use to tell my story, to evoke my past selves, to conjure the spirits of my composted dead….the spells of words, words, words to wrangle language into incantation and summon sensation from the tangled threads. Best to start from the beginning, so there is proper context for the cycles and patterns. My intention is to psychologically and astrologically deep-dive through the mythic landscapes of my narrative, as well as using Dreams and other dimensional experiences…..and journals and poetry that span my life…….creating a Quantum Astropsychography.
This is really an extended Uranus opposition Ritual, a systematic series of inner journeys into the deeply buried memories that are tangled up in the fascia of my body and in deep underground psychic gulag that holds soul shards, waiting for my return and to be released from their Prizm Cells. 18 months approximately of transits that will shake up the structures of my life and ego once again, so that I can be patchworked back together in a more meaningful way, ready to start the next leg of my journey of embodiment here. I must let go of it all. Surrender the moments and mysteries and experiences that have sculpted me. And start anew, as a sovereign Self in the playground…..ready to create and to embrace all that Life asks of me in this new reality (with its ever-more-shaky foundation). Pluto into aquarius, is bringing the reflection of a way of life that will rapidly become unrecognizable. My sons descendant is 2′ aquarius and his 5 planet stellium in early aquarius opposing natal saturn has me open-eyed waiting for what magic and transformation he will undergo over the next decade. He just turned 18. I cant help but be nervous, knowing all too well the many plutonic crisis’ that define my own life journey. And wondering what sort of games the lord of the underworld has in store.
BlissNinja ai generated art
I have watched sons Claim Their names beneath The sun, I have seen the same Done To me, I have been a child I have been a whore I have been a maniac Knocking on gods door, And in the neon The glow The bliss that sometimes We know I have melted like Wax And my heart has Dripped right Through The cracks in your Floor.
We come from the land of dimpled smiles, the bridge between worlds, the tethers that tear at scar tissue and rip open wounds, so the tribe can be fed with the stories that wake their Souls. We talked often of this role, the single handed need to make everyone else’s Pain go away, be all things to all people, be the shoulder that bears the weight of all grief and fear. We made the journey over and over, from one world to the next. Your now my ally in the unseen. You’ve told me the nature of the twisted web, from your perspective at the fountainhead…. And I give my word that I shall speak it so that the demons can be free.
There is no monopoly on grief, we all carry a piece of each other, different than anyone else has, a part of a mystery, a magical thread, that no one else can see. In Life, you were pulled and unraveled by all The grasping fingers that rip at the covers, skinned by kith and kin over and over….in Death, the Same ……the same fragmentation , no one can live up to that projection, no one can carry that , not even Saturn or The sweet soul of Capricornian love of Other. I’ll meet you there, where there is no tugging. Where nothing is wanted from you, needed from you, asked of you, blamed on you, taken from you, or hidden from you…/ I’ll meet you there in the Nether, and we will tell The story as seen from inside the center of the Web. My friend, my Soul Brother, we’ve traipsed thru time together, for aeons, and I thank you for what you have blessed me with, by your sweet smile and the kindness and love you poured out. No strings attached, was our love and care, and perhaps that is the only place where real Sight can dare to stare into the eyes of Truth.
This year I’m going down into the RIpples to honor my 43rd year of Solar Cycling thru the PrismGuarded Realm…. I’ve been Hunting the Hunter who has hunted me for lifetimes. Last night as in the Ethers I was watching on observing an altercation, I turned my eyes back to the door as I stood and a sudden BaM!!!!! Felt almost like the time I was hit directly in the face by a volleyball that had been pounded by a very strong hitter , a dude at Rec bball in CT which knocked me back several feet flat on my ass;) a sense of calm as my awareness reflected on what had just happened, I was unsure but my consciousness hovered slowly lettinG go the tether, and I realized a Shot had come from those whom I had turned away from. A bullet to the face was a strange sensation anyhow.
I woke directly into this morning with the impact still throbbing. Then noticed that my entire jaw on the right side was more fully swollen with the impacted Wisdom tooth that rears up now and again. There’s nowhere for it to go. I heard ole Wotan tell me that the dance of Sun and fiery Mars sitting on top of my natal sun/Uranus exact conjunction in first house( head /face ) now opposing Uranus in Taurus ( neck/voice/throat) is inFlaming me, the Uranus opposition intensity being stoked as The Wisdom buried in the Jaws is trying to emerge. The Voice that is trapped in the throat , telling me it’s time to be born into this world. I have to Face it. Literally, had to do an hours deep intense facial fascial maneuvers including neck and shoulders, and then much of the swelling had subsided. The Pain Gone. Sleep came back to me, whispering that there is nowhere to hide, any longer…..that which is stuck hidden inside my jaws which hold my tongue and where stories are told, is Impacting the way I Face the World. The Stories must be Written and the entire fascial inTension released so their is room for Wisdom to Break on Through.
Some have told me to cut out and violently remove this Tooth, this reminder, so to make pain go away. But I chose at age 19 to never take a pain killer or allopathic medicine. And I’ve stuck to it, Felt Fully and Faced each Pain in the Embrace of Somas Palace. I follow it, it always leads me to the Selves buried deep within the Matter of my Flesh, where dreams are buried and beating at the door for attention.
My descent is in honor of this Dance, Seaming Fractals Dreamimg Me, Wearing the Masks of My Past and Glaring at the Mirror til they See me.
So my 43rd Solar return will be spent Alone in the Solace of Nature and Soul, deep in ceremony for the mysteries of Birth and Death, that which is wrapped tightly around the 18th and 19th of November for me.
Novem = nine /ninth month The Gestation Nov= ‘new’. ‘Ember’=small live fire , Hebrew’appointed by god’
What shall be born from these flames wherein the zodiacal wheel at this moment so intensely proclaims that The Time is Now For me To Open and Face The lost Scroll Within my seams
Here in the hypermedia digital era, it’s easy to become desensitized by over-stimulation. As I passively absorb more and more sound bytes, videos, and impersonal data generated by external sources, the more desensitized I become. It doesn’t stop there, though. The more desensitized I become, the greater my craving for more intensity- intensity of sensation, feeling, visions, intimacy, action. This craving has never led to more intensity, but n u m b n e s s , a state antithetical to my life as a creative and feeling person. That’s when I stop and become very still within myself. In this stillness, I withdraw my attention from the outer, and realign with my inner V e r t I c a l sources- energy rising up from the earth through the base of my spine, and the cosmic energy coming down from above through the top of my head, the crown. My previous intensity craving soon vanished. Eventually with enough time and practice, the natural sensitivity of my central nervous system restores itself, allowing me to experience the innate intensity of the Life Force itself- when life itself is enough.
(From Last words by Antero Alli ; Vertical Pool ; )
🔥🫀🔥 As a cyclical scorpionic need, I go into seclusion from most of the outer world, to restore my own sense of integrity within my nervous system. As an extremely hypersensitive raw nerve exposed to an ever growing array of assaults form the electro-smog of modern technocracy, it am constantly having to re establish my own boundaries in order to not cross completely into the Abyss of Madness which has been hunting me for as long as I remember. Here, now, in the corridor of my Uranus opposition, ( natal exact conjunction with Sun….if you know you know)…. I am taking a break from most outer sources of stimulation. I will be making a journey to a state inward to rebirth as the new Self that is forming beneath my skin. I’ve died and returned over and over in this life, letting go each time of all that is most precious to me, in order to follow what is asked of me within my own Spirit. That time has come again.
I’m so filled with gratitude for the blessings in my life; the large community of souls who embrace me and support and encourage my creative expression; my haven of stillness, my home in the wild, which was only made possible by the insane trust Others put in me and my spirit, and the generosity of help from beings who I hope one day to be able to return some semblance of beauty; my son who has grown into a kind and unique and strong young man who will turn 18 soon; for my parents who left me free to become and express myself authentically, who without knowing it, gave me the gift of the wilderness and freedom, and no emotional manipulation or restraint when I chose again and again to head out in possibly perilous paths alone at young ages; for the many gifts over the years from all my friends in different lands and times, who have contributed to my life and soul in so many wonderful ways. I’ve been helped always, along my path, by so many. I never understood why others put thei confidence in me, or extended such blessing and generosity of heart and home…. I can only hope that in some way my own spirit offered something in return in some value that is not measured in material ways. Thank you to all who have been the foundation, the pillars on which my awareness of beauty have been honed and tempered; thank you to all the Fires and furies which have alchemists my soul, all the pain, all the disasters, all the woundings , all the enmeshments and entanglements that have forced me to step up to the plate and Know Myself. Thank you to all the traumas and fragmentations, which have given me a warp and weft to weave my own story and heal and transform my DNA, ever in process of freeing more and more of my selves from the dream; thank you to the Muses, the Daimon who has tossed me to and fro forever, demanding blood, commitment to integrity, descents into darkness and ascents into the highest realms. Thank you to the sometimes overwhelming emotional extremes I was born and blessed/cursed with, tyrbOntensiry of perception and devotion to the deepest tunnels within human experience, I made it out alive, and after 43 years I’ve finally found a way to remain somewhat intact, somewhat sane, amidst those furies…… learned that my nervous system needs huge amounts of solitude, stillness, wilderness, learned to honor that, learned that for every day of activity around Others, I need three to detox others’ energy and restore homeostasis to my body and mind, learned that my space is sacred, and can only be opened to another in specific ways and times and reasons; learned that my time is sacred, and after having spent most of my life trying to live others’ lives, with no boundaries, no sense of where I begin and others end, finally in 2019 drew a line Nd made a vow, to die in battle, which means I will follow my joy even if it kills me. When I stopped putting my life on hold and instead of getting tangled up in others dramas and lives thinking I could save them, help them, I pulled my energy back in to my own Self and began to create the life that had been hunting me forever, torturing me til I finally obeyed the decree of my Daimon, and let all else go.
And now the journey continues, a new descent , a new rebirth, a new way to play with life will unfold.
We all Matter into Mother Measured by Maats Tether Twisted Sines Waving bravely In the maze of Ether All ways Always riding Nows And nursing from the Sacred Cow ……….but some.in.Time Rewind the Bloodlines And find the WideOpenSee And Enter Consciously Into the LivingDream No longer Trapped In mapped Out mirrors No longer wrapped in Fears and Tears…. Tangled in whethers And whithers and whence Blaming the Game And shaming All Sense For the Terrors that rip choice from voice as Moistened lips Part The Red Seams of this Begotten Reality. To be Sovereign Is to Reign Free From Root to Crown As Seed to Tree Becomes What Is And Always Will Be… Adventures In Seaming And Dreaming I and We Between Games of Waking And Falling A Sleep.
Oh, Now….it’s Time….. It’s Time and there’s Space to Rewind the film…. The flimsy foothold of the Brash and Bold on this begotten realm… How many ways shall modern day slaves continue to be led into the graves of their own complacency, ‘just obey! Obey! Obey and it will all be ok!’ They say, wrapped in a silk scarf of compliancy, their muzzles made of murdered dreams and infantile Seeds of sovereignty trapped inside seams that bleed…
Hiding…. Behind ether Names…. Playing games of victimhood while the flood of fallacy fragments further into decaying Shame and brooding blame that puts the icing on the Cake… Games of Woke! and Wake up Folks! RedPills and cheap thrills bypassing the rich inner Yolk of true Union, spoken Spells and broken bells choking on cloaked yells trapped within masked Hells of poisoned Wells of spoonfed minions that dwell on the ledge of opinion , twisting the layers of the blooming Onion into nefarious dungeons of blind blunders that plunder the abundance of this Mother that wonders why her children Hide from the power of Perception that resides inSide the Eye(I)s and minds and hearts and finds no relief from the bytes of belief programmed so deep in Man that the Body breaks down from the demands…..
Take a deep Breath, my Friends……. Ruminate on the Death that stands and keeps Watch, tocking and ticking and picking the ripe fruit with sickles and cycles and scythes that tickle the insides of Time as it unFolds and enFolds the Ties that Bind, flowers that fractal out from Points of Power and Play Pretend….. Play dress up games of going insane and falling from the Abyss, just to wake from all This and reMember the Twist in the Plot, written in when the Byte.n Apple grappled with Sin, trapped the fragile Sense of men into warped parodies of Purpose and Pain, forced maladies of mindfuckery and maim, principalities in forgotten games of shame…. and oh…..my…….gOd it’s goddesses in modern bliss of ignorance reminiscing That and This with premonitions of missed Intents fishing for cattle trapped within the Fence of hissing GovernMents…..
Ment is Mind and Menses is Mined and cryptoPirates wind the Time, Watching for Signs as heinous Crimes blur the lines of all that Is and Was and wasn’t for Sale, Scripts ripped down the middle and PreScriptions Riddled with impurity as security is impaled on Alters of vocation, altered vacations quarantined in nations backstreets, blinking Red Warnings as the Burning blood is bled from the Mourning Sun , muzzles on heads that form the glory of the Red Tide, Marks Made on Blind Guise who debate in Time the need for the Chosen to Lead the Cattle to the frozen wasteland inSide.
Breathe deeply, my friends. Untwist the Strands and Stand on your own Two Feet. Life is a Gift, and the reWard is Sweet for reMembering This.
You are … Essentially….an electromagnetic Battery… A Torus Field …. An Infinte Free Energy Alchemical Lab that can Generate its own perfect Health and Joy. Everything you’ve been taught in the Mainstream Script Timeline is inverted. There are very few basic needs …. And one of those is Grounding Oneself in Earth…. The soles of ones feet are fractal Foundations and Function as one pole of your SovereignSelfMagnet. It is Essential for the connection between your body and Earth and Ground to happen, and in conjunction with Sunlight on your Skin and in your Eyes. With feet on earth and Sun on skin… You Charge your Vehicle. Pure and Energized Water is absolutely vital…. Water is Alive, and has been held captive with poisonous programming. Air and the act of breathing with awareness and Intention is akin to Magic. With Breath you cAn unlock your own inner pharmacology. You contain everything in Existence within your Body. Your Mind Steers with Intent. Your Nervous System is the most technologically advanced Integrel quantum Computing System …. Learning to use it…. You will be ReMembering that you are Beyond Powerful here in this CoCreative Dream and Dynamic Dance on the Cosmic Chessboard….
Challenging and Pushing the Body and Emotions and Will develops ones Capacity to Hold Charge. Like a battery….if there is no Juice, there is no Will not Joy nor Aliveness….there is enervation and dis-ease and desperation and dependence on temporary situations that lead to further loss of Charge.
Spending time with as much skin to Sun contact as possible , in nature, Feet to Earth, Breathe to Heart In Awareness, With Pure Water ….. Will help you Be the best version of yourSelf in this Play, so…. Let the Ninjapocalypse Unfold And Let’s Enfold a New Script from between the Seams of this Dying Dream and Rebirth the EarthSeeds in Selves of Radiant Wild Warrior Beings✨🃏✨⭐️🗝⭐️✨🃏✨
I twist into these mournings, daylight saving me from the burning flame of darkness swallowing my emptiness while waves of irony wash over me i am toppled by the days and silently i sit hovering… wondering if i can float this time wandering thru wastelands of my mind picking up the book written by me on the other side of the dream the other side of the dream where it all spins into me… i find all the lost notes and all the lost tones and all the lost fractures of all my mended bones
I am painted the color red. I am tainted, the mother has bled
we D R I P together thru the weathered web, creating worlds in our head, to spew out into the ethers, to want neither this nor that nor wonder where its at, but to birth the beginning again…. knowing we are just seasons of rhyme
flowering in our own time chrysalis, wrapped up in a fairytale of all that is and was and wasnt for sale…
Across these moonbeams, these split seams, these written clingings to the dream…. across all these we call to invisible bodies that are singing in their invisible moments that are bringing their soulstuffs into existence to balance the tension of the desire to Be, and to not Be….
Let it come I will hold my naked face to the sun And give my breath and my death Over to Life Let the blind fury Of the Ordered New World Inoculate crowds all around me Against their Spirit Let it be known That my Spine shall remain sure And straight Rooted in the matrice of my mother Smiling still as I Let those I love Destroy the last vestige Of their sovereignty As they knot and tweak Their ~deoxy.Rib.oh.Next.Stop.Is.Asking For.Breath~ With a mouth That no longer knows how to Speak Let it come And my naked soul Will take solace in my naked earth Away from the crowds Who have sold Their last sacred cow For one more sip From the poisoned Trough Let it be known That my entire Life has been Lived In preparation for this Trial As I watch the rind Rot Around me Exposing the elements of Wild Wonder As the Plot is torn Asunder I smile with my naked mouth Making the air pure Again With my gratitude Let it come I am here Naked & Unashamed
BlissNinja 